For the Girls' Sake

by Janice Kay Johnson

  So there they were, gathered in the small white church two blocks from the oceanfront, a tiny cluster at the altar. Lynn’s mother and stepfather had come, of course. A friend of Lynn’s was maid of honor; likewise, Adam had asked Ron Chainey, his closest friend, who was also his business partner, to drive over from Portland to stand as best man. He told his own parents about the wedding but didn’t expect them to come and wasn’t surprised by their absence. Jennifer’s parents he hadn’t invited. Their shock was too evident, their fear that he would forget their Jenny.

  Lynn wore a navy-blue sheath with creamy pearls, her hair in a loose roll. With him in a dark suit and white shirt, the two of them looked as ready to attend a funeral as a wedding.

  The brightest note was provided by the two flower girls in matching white dresses with frothy full skirts—Grandma Miller had outfitted them. Each carried a small basket filled with dried rose petals that the girls scattered in front of the altar.

  "Dearly beloved," began the minister, an older, balding man whose doubts were as plain as his kindness. He talked about duty and affection and "for better or worse." Standing beside his bride, Adam listened, but the words rolled over him. He’d never expected to hear them again as a participant.

  Jenny, forgive me, he thought, but she wasn’t real to him right now. Lynn was, although she felt more like a stranger than ever.

  "To love and to cherish..."

  Would love come? The very idea felt like a betrayal of the wedding vows he’d made long ago. But even they had said "till death do us part." Jenny was gone, Lynn here.

  All he had to do was turn his head a fraction so that he could see the flower girls, both wide-eyed and radiant.

  "You mean, Lynn will be my mommy?" Rose had asked, with such hope his heart had flipped over. "And she’ll still be Shelly’s mommy, too?"

  "That’s right," he’d said gravely. "And I’ll be Shelly’s daddy. You’ll have to share me. Do you mind?"

  She had shaken her head hard and squeezed him around the neck. "Shelly’s my best friend," Rosebud whispered.

  "Now she’ll be your sister."

  They held hands during the ceremony, looking enough alike in their white dresses, with their hair done the same and sprinkled with glitter, that he could see how they might have been mistaken for each other as infants. Closing his eyes, he could just summon the glimpse he’d had of his newborn daughter being handed to a nurse, body slick with blood, fuzz of brown hair damp against her head, eyes squeezed shut and mouth forming a circle as she drew air for a first sob.

  If only they had banded her then...

  "Do you, Lynn Marie Chanak, take this man, Adam Thomas Landry, to be your lawfully wedded husband..."

  Jenny would still be dead. Was this so bad?

  "I do," Lynn said clearly.

  “Do you, Adam Thomas Landry, take this woman, Lynn Marie Chanak, to be your lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health..."

  For better or worse.

  He stole one last glance at his daughters and said, in a strong, confident voice, "I do."

  CHAPTER TEN

  LYNN STOLE A LOOK at the man sitting at the other end of the couch—the new couch, the one bought today, only hours after she’d let that same man slip a wedding ring onto her finger. He was her husband, she thought in disbelief that leaped to life every time she let herself realize what she’d done.

  She was married.

  She gave her head a small shake that failed to reorient her. This had been the strangest day of her entire life, which was saying quite a bit considering she’d also had the experience of discovering that her baby had been switched with another in the hospital. It was another strange day on top of a string of them. Her mother telling her about her father, then Adam asking her to marry him, totally out of the blue.

  Her parents had urged them to take a short getaway by themselves. In a panic at the idea of being totally alone with her new husband, Lynn had made excuses. Adam had seemed relieved, which bothered her a little bit. Hadn’t he been the one to talk about how he wanted this marriage to last? Obviously, he didn’t want to be close to her.

  Which should have left her feeling relieved and didn’t. Lynn told herself it was natural to have her ego mildly bruised by his lack of enthusiasm. Déjà vu. She was back in the halls of her high school, invisible to popular boys.

  Adam wouldn’t have noticed her then, and didn’t seem all that eager now to do more than legally claim his daughter.

  The end result today was that instead of a romantic wedding getaway, wanted by neither party, Lynn and Adam had left the girls with Lynn’s mom and stepdad and had driven to Lincoln City for lunch. Even that minor social step wasn’t an overwhelming hit. Conversation was stilted. Mostly they discussed their future schedule, how to commute with the least fuss and make room in each other’s homes. She felt as if she were discussing the logistics of a publisher’s fall campaign with the rep.

  Only, these logistics had to do with where Adam could keep his underwear and toothbrush and where she would sleep.

  "Rose can have several drawers in Shelly’s dresser," Lynn suggested, in her practical mode. "That way you won’t have to pack each time for her. I have space in my closet for some of your things, too, if you’d like. Maybe we could add some wire shelves, or..." Momentarily she balked at picturing his shirts hanging next to hers, at the idea of him coming into her room in the morning to search for clean clothes. Lamely she added, "Well, whatever you need."

  Her mind must have wandered off thinking about what the future might hold, because she tuned back in to see him pulling out his wallet. Lynn was embarrassed to realize she hadn’t even noticed the waiter presenting the check. Had she been staring at Adam the entire while?

  If so, he hadn’t noticed. A slight frown suggested he was as pensive as she was. While counting out money, Adam looked at her. "There’s going to be plenty to work out, isn’t there?"

  It boggled the mind. Astonishment washed over her with the cold force of an ocean wave. She’d never done anything so impetuous.

  He cleared his throat. "I thought we could go shopping while we’re here. If I’m going to be at your place half the week, we need a new sofa. It doesn’t exactly count as a wedding present, considering I’m buying it for selfish reasons, but I want you to pick it out."

  Selfish reasons. That meant he intended to continue sleeping in the living room. He’d give her time.

  He didn’t want to be with her.

  Of course, it was relief that had her nodding like an idiot. What else could it be? "I shouldn’t let you spend the money, but...okay."

  In the furniture store, she sucked in a breath at the first price tag she turned over.

  Adam gripped her arm and moved her past a mini-showroom that featured chintz-covered furniture and an armoire so rustic you could get a splinter from opening a cabinet door.

  "Don’t worry about price. Let’s get something decent. Preferably a sleeper."

  Don’t worry about price. Imagine being able to say something like that. Imagine meaning it! she marveled.

  Somehow, he continued to grip her arm. Occasionally his hand moved to the small of her back as he steered her. At the hospital that first day, she’d resented his masterful attitude. Today, she was too numb. Too aware that she had just married this man.

  She gulped. He gave her an sidelong look but didn’t comment.

  They finally agreed on a brocade sofa that pulled out into a queen sleeper. Lynn didn’t watch him pay the unbelievable total. When he joined her where she stood contemplating a cherry end table, Adam said, "I talked them into delivering it this afternoon."

  And paid extra, she was willing to bet. She only nodded. "Do we need to get home, then?"

  He glanced at his watch. "I suppose we should."

  The salesman ushered them out the front door. "Mr. Landry, Mrs. Landry, I hope you’ll come again."

  Mrs. Landry. I’m a married woman, Lynn thought, stunned.

  The couc
h arrived less than an hour after they got home. The two husky teenage boys carried her old one out with them.

  Lynn still couldn’t decide whether buying a sofa was symbolic of how far apart she and Adam were, how unreal their marriage, or whether it had been an act of intimacy: the first home furnishing they’d chosen together. Nesting.

  Her discomfiture was increased when, presumably to be tactful, her mother and stepfather decided to drive up to Cannon Beach and go out to dinner, leaving Adam, Lynn and the girls to have their first evening as a family.

  She had to keep telling herself nothing was different. Adam had spent the night before. She’d spent the night at his house. The only difference now was that they’d taken a legal step to clarify custody of the girls.

  Annoyingly, her mind summoned words she didn’t want to hear. For better or worse. In sickness and in health. Do you take this man...

  She heard her own voice, soft and fervent, I do.

  The traditional ceremony had not asked, Do you take this man’s daughter?

  She had known the promises she was making, as Adam had known the ones he made.

  If only she’d had time to think before she committed herself to marriage. To forever.

  But would I have refused him? she asked herself, and knew the answer. Of course not.

  Silently calling herself a coward the whole time, Lynn dawdled over cleaning the kitchen after dinner, drawing out the girls’ story time, the small evening rituals. She took forever to braid Rose’s long curly hair, telling herself she had a right to indulge herself with the daughter whose first three years of life she’d missed. At last, even Rose began to wriggle and mumble, "Ouch."

  Adam was the one who said firmly, "Bedtime, girls. Let’s get those teeth brushed."

  Lynn almost protested, but realized she was using their daughters as a barricade between herself and her new husband. Not fair, to them or her.

  He supervised the toothbrushing and changing into nighties, Lynn tucked them into bed. When she reluctantly returned to the living room, Adam was watching CNN. She sat as far from him as she could get on the new sofa, sinking into its comfort with a sigh of involuntary bliss. She would never have spent so much for a piece of furniture, but she could enjoy it, couldn’t she?

  Adam snapped off the television. In the sudden silence, Lynn’s heart took an uncomfortable leap. It was their wedding night. What did he have in mind?

  "Your parents have been exceptionally understanding," he said.

  Conversation. She could make conversation, she thought in giddy relief. "I suppose this seemed like a good solution to them, too."

  "Does it to you?"

  Lynn was startled into really looking at him. "I married you, didn’t I?"

  "Yeah, but I’ve been wondering if you’re not belatedly getting cold feet." Tension in the set of his shoulders belied his calm tone. "Did I rush you into something you’re regretting?"

  "We did rush." She was still in shock; her feet were so cold she had to tuck them under her. But she couldn’t let him take all the responsibility. "You’re right, though. Look how happy the girls are. This really makes sense."

  “Logic and emotions don’t always take the same road."

  "No." She struggled for honesty. "I may be sorry later. I hope not. I never thought I wanted to get married again. I wasn’t very good at it the first time around." She shook her head when he started to say something. "I know you blame Brian, but I’m the one who wasn’t ready to be married. I wasn’t deeply in love. I guess I’m a little scared because I’ve just done the same thing again. But at least we’re in the same boat. Our feelings aren’t out of balance."

  "No." His expression was odd. "Arranged marriages have worked in the past. I don’t see why we can’t make this one."

  She wanted more than that, Lynn was astonished to realize. Making it work sounded so emotionless.

  She forced herself to meet his eyes. "I’ll try." Her voice cracked. "I can promise you that much."

  Adam held out a hand to her. "I’m...not a casual man. You’re my wife. That means something to me."

  Yes, but what? her heart cried.

  Hardly knowing what she did, Lynn laid her hand in his. His fingers tightened, and she felt his heat and strength. No, more than that: the determination and caring that made him the man he was.

  It wouldn’t be hard to love him, Lynn thought. She couldn’t seem to look away from their hands, intertwined. The contrast made her intensely aware that they were not just parents. Not just two people dragged into a nightmare and making the best of it. They were a man and a woman.

  Husband and wife.

  Her heart seemed to be pounding so hard it deafened her. Slowly she dragged her gaze to meet Adam’s, and saw a glint in his eyes that made her feel...peculiar. Excited, frightened, shaky.

  It had been so long since she’d felt anything like this. How weird that, just because he was now her husband, she felt things she hadn’t yesterday or the day before.

  Or had she? Lynn wondered with a fluttery sense of panic. She had always known what an attractive man he was. She’d simply figured he was out of her league. Now, all of a sudden, she owned the league.

  For better or worse.

  "Lynn..." His voice was rusty. "I’ll give you time."

  Because he didn’t really want her? Or because he was a gentleman? She wished she were sure.

  "I...thank you." Was that truly what she’d wanted to say?

  He looked down at their hands but didn’t release hers. "Your phone’s ringing."

  "It is?" She felt stupid the minute the words slipped out. How strange. She had once thought herself in love, but never with Brian had she felt as if everyone else in the world had faded away, like a photograph where the surroundings were misty, the focus on the two subjects. She swallowed. "I mean, I’d better answer it."

  "Sure."

  He was the one to release her hand. She wasn’t sure she’d have had the strength herself. How very strange.

  Yet to someone else, Lynn thought, she would have looked perfectly normal as she stood and went to the kitchen. The answering machine had picked up; she heard her own voice, followed by Brian’s. He hadn’t called in months. Why now? Lynn hesitated with her hand just above the phone.

  "Lynn? Are you there?" Pause. "Listen, I wanted to say..."

  Belatedly it occurred to her that Adam might be able to hear him out in the living room.

  She grabbed the receiver. "I’m here."

  "Oh. Uh, hi."

  "What do you want?" How cold she sounded!

  The breath he drew was audible. "I’ve just been thinking...well, if you’re really strapped for money, I mean, I could help out."

  Her mouth actually dropped open. "You’re offering to send me child support?"

  "Well, I don’t know about regular..." This awkwardness wasn’t like him. "But I can send you some money when I’ve got extra. If you need it."

  Of course she’d needed it! Her anger crystallized, and yet through it she realized that, in his own way, he was being generous.

  "I miss Shelly. How’s she doing?"

  "She’s fine." When had she last mentioned her daddy? Lynn couldn’t remember. Before Adam, certainly.

  "Mom and Dad were saying they’d like to see her, too."

  Lynn closed her eyes. "I got married today."

  "You got married?" he echoed incredulously.

  "To Shelly’s father."

  Silence. Then he said at last, bitterness there but muted, "So everything’s all wrapped up. You’ve got both kids and his money. You don’t need me." He made a sound. "You never did."

  A spark of anger incinerated her usual guilt. "That’s a lucky thing, isn’t it?" she flared. "You haven’t exactly been here for your daughter lately, have you?"

  "I said I missed her."

  "Uh-huh. Well, she’s probably forgotten you in all the months it took you to come to realize that. She’s three-and-a-half years old, Brian. She needs parents who are he
re. Fortunately, she has them now."

  She heard him breathing heavily. The old Brian would have had a comeback that would succeed in making her feel low. This one surprised her.

  "Yeah. You’re right," he said humbly. "I’m sorry."

  "Shelly loved you."

  "She just never felt like she was mine," he explained in a tone of unwonted humility. "I guess that shouldn’t have made any difference, but for me it did. But she’s a great kid. And, um, I wouldn’t mind meeting this Rose."

  Lynn sighed. "We haven’t told either of the girls what happened. That part scares me. I don’t want them to feel insecure. Someday we’ll have to. But in the meantime, it’s awkward."

  "Yeah. I understand. Maybe I could, like, just drop by and see both the girls."

  “You have a legal right," she said stiffly.

  "You know I wouldn’t hold that over you. Just let me know when you think it might be a good time. Okay?"

  "Yes, fine," Lynn said slowly.

  She half expected there to be some catch, but apparently Brian had said what he intended to, and his goodbye was hasty. Bemused, she returned to the living room.

  Adam hadn’t turned the TV back on. His head was bent over a book she’d left sitting on the coffee table. It was an anthology of short stories and poetry about mothers and daughters.

  "What do you think?" she asked, nodding at it as she sank onto the couch again.

  "Jenny had cut this poem out of a magazine, back when she was pregnant." His voice was strangled. "She was sure she was going to have a girl."

  Lynn hesitated, not knowing what to say. What terrible luck, to have left something out that would remind him of his first wife!

  At last she settled for, "I wish you’d show me more pictures of her."

  "I have a photo album." Adam gently closed the book and set it on the coffee table. "Remind me. Sometime."

  She sensed that the subject was closed with the same gentle finality as the book covers. Please don’t intrude, she heard in his tone.

  "Was that your mom?" Adam asked.

  "On the phone? No. It was Brian. He’s apparently been feeling guilty," she said dryly. "He says he misses Shelly. He was willing to send money if I needed it."