Hopeless Romantic

by Francis Gideon

  “Yeah, sure. I don’t mind. I look terrible in selfies, but if it makes you feel better, then go for it.”

  Katie nodded, visibly relieved. “Get closer to me so I can take the shot.”

  “Oh.” Nick shifted, moving around so their shoulders were pressed together as they leaned against the stone railing. “Good enough?”

  Katie picked up his arm and put it around her shoulders. “Better.”

  Nick instinctively squeezed her shoulder, which seemed to make Katie smile for real this time. She held up her phone and counted down from three, taking a quick picture. She pulled the phone back and showed him.

  “Not so bad, right?”

  “Yeah, actually.” Nick’s cheeks were a little pink, and there was a day’s worth of dark stubble on his normally clean-shaven face, but he didn’t look half bad. Even his eyes had cooperated and stayed open. “That’s perfect. I may have to steal it off you for a Facebook pic.”

  “Maybe. I’ll let Ilana know I’m here with you, then. Is it okay if I call you Nick?”

  “Yeah, sure. I’m Nick Fraser. You can tell her that if you want.”

  “Oh, a last name!” Katie raised her brow playfully. “I feel really safe now.”

  Katie quickly typed a message to her friend, absorbed by her phone. Again, Nick felt a little odd that there was this much precaution taken, but he shrugged it off. Katie slid her phone away when she was done and turned her attention back to him.

  “You don’t have to keep your arm around me if you don’t want.”

  “Oh. Right. Sorry.” Nick placed his hand back into his lap, then felt weird, and went to reach for his iPhone. Even out of the corner of his eye, he could see—and practically sense—Katie laughing.

  “I’m teasing, don’t worry. You can keep your arm around me all you want. Like I said, I feel pretty safe with you.”

  “That’s . . . good. I’m glad.”

  “I’m Katie Miller by the way. Just so we’re on some kind of even ground here.”

  With a laugh, Nick stuck out his hand again. “Nice to officially meet you, Katie Miller.”

  “Charmed, I’m sure. I really appreciate you agreeing to the selfie, by the way. As much as I’d like to depend on the kindness of strangers, it doesn’t always work.”

  “I get it. As much as I can.”

  “Oh?”

  “Yeah, I have sisters. One is younger, so we worry about her a lot.”

  “I have a sister. A brother too. See? I’m sharing information.”

  Nick nodded. He wasn’t used to being teased like this. Katie’s words were lighthearted, but they still came in the form of taunts that most people meant as more malicious.

  “So, you know I’m staying with a friend this weekend,” Katie went on. “When is your bus heading back?”

  “That’s a good question, actually. I was hoping on getting an early bus back, but that may not work out.” Nick pulled out his phone and checked the information from the ticket to the schedule. “Shoot. I think my only option is at 8 a.m. tomorrow.”

  “That’s not too early,” Katie said. “Where are you staying?”

  “Nowhere. I was supposed to be with friends tonight, and I could probably go back and stay with them if I wanted. But honestly, I’d rather be here. This hideaway is a lot better, especially when the night view is really pretty.”

  Nick was surprised when Katie didn’t tease him. Instead, she inched closer to him. “Where were you supposed to be tonight?”

  “Party with friends. Dinner. Probably a strip club later on, if I’m being honest, because it’s my buddy Alex’s wedding soon. We were all getting our tuxes fitted this afternoon. Then bachelor party planning, but they’d probably take an early glimpse.”

  “Why didn’t you go?”

  “I figured planning a party around strippers would be weird. I have no idea how to interact with women in that way. Or any woman, really.”

  “Well, I doubt you’re bad with all women. You’re doing just fine with me.”

  “Oh.” Nick’s cheeks flamed. Even she thought he was flirting. He had no idea how to move on from this, so he grabbed the water again and took a long gulp. She watched him closely, so he offered her another sip. She took him up on the offer.

  “You know,” she said as she put on the water bottle lid, “it’s like we’ve kissed already now. I’m glad we got that over with, so I don’t have to make the first move and seem un-ladylike.”

  There was a tone in Katie’s voice that Nick couldn’t recognize—so much so that he was completely unfazed by the obvious flirtation. “What do you mean? Who would ever consider you un-ladylike?”

  She snorted, then caught the sincerity in his eyes. “Oh. You don’t know?”

  “Know what?”

  Katie’s gaze darted over Nick’s face, assessing him like he was a new person. For a second, Nick could have sworn he saw fear cross her expression, but it was gone so fast he couldn’t be sure. She stared at her hands in her lap before she spoke again. “I really thought you knew. My voice dropped on the bus ride, and I figured that was why you’d said no to the concert. I was paranoid about it all day until Maria told me to get over myself. Voice coaching can only go so far, you know?”

  “Voice coaching?”

  “Yeah. I’m a trans woman. Maria was one of my first relationships after coming out, so she’s well familiar with my insecurities and always has an answer for each one. A lot of people have thought what I have in my pants disqualifies me from being a ‘real woman.’ So I hear about my un-ladylike behaviours a lot, so much it becomes a joke sometimes. But sometimes I still worry about things like my voice, my hands, or height, and Maria helps to talk me down, you know?”

  “Oh.” The realization hit Nick in the gut. Oh. Oh. Oh. He should have figured this out by now. Everything made so much more sense. Katie had been born a dude. Nick’s attraction, his sudden desire to kiss her, even the weird safety protocols she had—everything suddenly made sense to him. He let out a low breath.

  “Does this change things?” Katie asked, her voice quiet. “I honestly thought you already knew.”

  “That you were a dude? I didn’t. I had no clue.”

  “I’m not a dude.” Her voice hitched sharply.

  Nick’s eyes widened. He hadn’t meant it as an insult. Or as anything bad. He had just meant it . . . matter-of-factly? He wasn’t sure how to phrase it without sounding like a dick. “I know. I’m sorry. I just . . . I didn’t know, no. But this doesn’t change things. I still think you’re cool.”

  Katie had shifted over a couple of inches. After a few deep breaths, she slumped over her knees. “Damn it. I really thought you knew.”

  “What makes you say that?”

  “You came to the show. You were dancing with me for a long time. I figured you knew from our talk on the bus ride and didn’t care, since you were probably queer too.” Katie ran a hand through her hair, pulling it over her ears with a ragged sigh. “I . . . should have told you sooner. Before we walked all the way here. I should—”

  “No, it’s fine. You don’t have to do anything, Katie. Because you were right.”

  “What?”

  Nick sighed. His stomach felt queasy, like he had just looked over the edge of the enclosure they sat in and got vertigo. He pushed through it, trying to voice his feelings before he chickened out. He had no idea what he was doing—he had never been in this situation before—and it felt wrong, like he was fumbling with a language he barely understood, but he needed her to smile again. He was motivated to just get her to smile again.

  “I do like you. I did dance with you for a long time because I am kind of into you. I just had no idea why, though.”

  “You didn’t know why because I’m trans?”

  “No, because I thought you were a woman. And that was confusing as fuck because I’m gay. I’ve never even been with a woman before.”

  “I am a woman,” Katie said slowly, her voice thin. “But you just thought I was a
cis woman this whole time? I passed to you?”

  “Totally, yes, I think,” Nick said, after he realized what she meant by the term cis. He’d heard it only a handful of times, but never really committed it to memory. “But now it makes sense, in a way.”

  Her face fell. Nick didn’t even know what he had done or said, but his heart sank. “No. No, don’t be sad. What did I do?”

  “You basically said I wasn’t a woman. And that was why you were attracted to me.”

  Nick froze. Wasn’t that what had just happened? He stayed quiet for a long time, not daring to open his mouth.

  Katie sighed, running a nervous hand through her hair again. “Nick, I don’t like being thought of as a guy. Which is what you do when you say that your attraction suddenly makes sense. You take away the fact that I’m a woman and focus only on the other parts of me that don’t match up to your ideal. I’m not some knock-off card on your fuck bingo. And I’m not going to say that I am kind of like a guy so you can feel more secure being gay and having this attraction towards me. That’s not my fault.”

  “No. That’s not. Shit. You’re right.” Nick bit his lip, unsure what to do next. He saw the water bottle between them, took a drink, and then passed it to her again. She sighed heavily, but took a sip.

  “It’s kind of like we’ve kissed again,” Nick said.

  “Yeah. We have.” Katie screwed on the lid and lifted an eyebrow. “What do you have to say to that?”

  “I’ve never kissed a girl before,” Nick said, almost gleefully. “It’s kind of fun.”

  Katie smiled—the way she had in the club. Nick’s heart thundered in his chest. He’d done something right.

  “Well, you haven’t seen anything yet,” Katie said. “Come here.”

  Katie inched closer to Nick, bringing their lips together in one fluid motion. Nick was so taken off guard, he almost forgot to close his eyes. When he did, everything became easier.

  Katie opened her mouth first, tentatively licking his lips until he let her inside. He reached forward and combed his hand through her hair, touching the base of her neck. His fingers wandered around her shoulders, down the tough fabric of her white jacket, and over the small of her back. This was how he was supposed to kiss a girl, right? He had never done anything like this before and didn’t know if it was more or less the same act. Was he supposed to be a gentleman now? The boyfriend-type figure? Nick chastised his thoughts. This is just a kiss. Like the concert is just a concert. Just enjoy it for once.

  Katie pulled away first, her grin still plastered to her face. She put a hand over her mouth as if to stamp down some of her excitement. “Okay, that was fun. But we have to save some of it.”

  “It was a lot of fun.” Nick glanced down and noticed the water bottle was nearly empty. “Maybe we should get some more to drink. Then, you know, try that again. I’m out of practice.”

  Katie chuckled. “Of course. But separate drinks this time. There’s no need to lean on our water bottle for a crutch.”

  “Sure.” Nick rose to his feet and extended a hand to Katie to help her up. She thanked him with peck on his cheek.

  Sometime between having Starbucks coffee across the street and walking back up to their small enclave around Nathan Phillips Square, Nick decided to stay up all night.

  “All night? Really?”

  “Yeah. My bus is at eight, which is only a couple hours away now. I don’t have time to stop at my parents’ place to borrow their couch, and I also don’t want to crash my drunk friends’ party. So staying up all night is my solution.”

  “Fair enough. Are you asking me to stay with you for the night, then? I may not be able to do all of it, but certainly some. If you’d like?”

  Nick hid his burgeoning smile with his coffee as he took an extended sip. “We do have a lot to discuss. Music-wise, I mean.”

  “Don’t even test me, Nick Fraser. I will talk to you about music all night.”

  “Is that a challenge? I certainly want it to be.” Nick slid his arm around Katie as they walked up the stairs. Once on the landing, Katie put down her mocha latte next to his chai latte and they both assembled themselves on the pavement again. She pulled out her purple iPhone and he mirrored her actions with his iPhone. They sipped their drinks in silence as they assessed what they had with them, the critical artists they couldn’t leave behind, and anything else they wanted to share.

  Katie was the first to finish. She nudged Nick’s shoulder and tugged him close so he could see her iPhone screen. She started to list off her significant musical influences over the course of her life, not mincing words. Whenever he sighed at her choice of artist, she’d find a song and play it super loud, so he could see just how wrong he was in his musical choices.

  This had been all he’d wanted tonight: endless discussion about what music was good, what was bad, and what was totally overrated. Concert stories that bloomed into full-on epic adventures—especially as Katie started to talk about her time as a Warped Tour roadie.

  “You know, that was before all of this happened.” She referred to her body with a casual wave. “But touring was fun. Definitely wouldn’t do it again, but I would never trade those memories.”

  Sometimes, it took Nick a moment to catch all Katie’s references to her former life. Before she changed into . . . this. Or was change really the right word? Nick wasn’t sure. As soon as he was given the image of Katie as a trans woman, he’d adjusted. She was a woman and that was what mattered; she was a cute stranger on a bus who wore a white leather jacket. But her past still hung over many of her stories and was something Nick couldn’t imagine.

  “What was that like?” Nick asked.

  “Being a roadie?”

  “No. Um. Can I ask about . . .?”

  “The before stuff?” She pursed her lips, then nodded. “Yeah, you can ask about it, but I reserve the right to not answer.”

  “Sounds fair. So, what was it like?”

  “Oh.” Katie thought for a moment before she shuffled through the songs on her iPhone. Once she arrived at her Ramones’ playlist, she slipped Nick the earbud. “Just listen. This will help explain.”

  Their shoulders brushed as they shared the same set of headphones. Nick knew the song; everyone who loved punk knew “Sheena Is a Punk Rocker.” He bounced along to it, not finding the lyrics particularly revelatory in relation to Katie.

  “Okay. Nice,” he said when it was over. “What about it?”

  “That was the song. I was listening to it, and I realized that I was Sheena. I was the punk rocker he was talking about. I wasn’t Joey Ramone or Sid Vicious or anyone else from the scene like the guys I hung out with thought they were. I was Sheena. Everything fell together at that moment. Oh, and then there’s . . .” Katie scrolled through her iPhone again, this time finding the Bouncing Souls’ The Gold Record.

  “Really? You like that album?”

  “Shush,” Katie said. “There’s a good cover song on it. And come on, what’s not to like?”

  She shoved the earbud back over to him as “Lean on Sheena” came on. He knew this song too. He had even watched the music video a couple of times when he’d been desperately avoiding his schoolwork.

  “Another classic. Isn’t there a Horrors song that talks about a Sheena too?”

  “Yes! ‘Sheena Is a Parasite.’ Not my favourite, but you see the connection right? These songs all have Sheena in the title, but it’s deliberately evoking the same type of girl punk rocker that guys sing about. I thought I was just one of the guys for such a long time in my life. I went on Warped as a roadie so I could be one of the guys. But then I realized I was never going to shake my fascination for Sheena. Not because I wanted to date her, but because I was her. It’s . . . weird, and a little difficult to explain.”

  “I think I get it. It’s like not being sure if you wanted to be the singer or be fucked by the singer.” Nick laughed, thinking of his limited time in the music community and his early sexual experiences. “Oh, I totally
get that. I also wanted to get fucked by the singer.”

  “But I bet you didn’t want to be fucked as someone called you ‘Sheena.’”

  “No. Not particularly.” Nick nodded, going over the details he’d been given. More than any Lifetime movie or TV show that tried to have transgender women on cast, this small comparison made the realities of it click even more. It wasn’t about dressing in clothing or changing your name. It was about being addressed in a different way, about being wanted in a different way. Nick’s gaze roamed up and down Katie’s body, putting all these pieces into place. He’d never really looked at her body before, always the prints on her T-shirts. Now he examined her small breasts, her skinny hips, and soft skin. He tried to imagine touching her breasts, her thighs, and between her legs. Could he want her as Sheena—as Katie? He wasn’t entirely sure what wanting her as a woman meant, but he wasn’t turned off. Not even close.

  “Okay, so,” Katie said, moving on, “there were a few years when I was still half in denial about this whole thing where I’d pretend to be Sheena online. Then, when I did come out and start transitioning, I debated changing my name to that.”

  “Really? Why didn’t you?”

  “‘Sheena’ makes you stick out. I went with ‘Katherine’ instead, since it was what my mom was going to name me if I had been a girl. I had always remembered that little detail growing up, so I figured I may as well use it. My middle name is Sheena, though. It suits me better there.”

  “That’s really, really cool. My middle name is Edgar. Boring.”

  “If you don’t like it, you should change it. Never settle for what people tell you you are.”

  Nick chuckled. He didn’t really have a problem with his middle name, but he appreciated the sentiment.

  “So that’s the story, really,” Katie said when some silence had passed between them. “I realized who I was through music, and it’s always been a much better storyteller than I ever have been. Is that a good enough answer to your question?”

  “Yeah, totally.”