Hopeless Romantic

by Francis Gideon

  “You’re technically the best man too, right?”

  “Yes. Alex couldn’t pick between us, but really, Levi has taken my place. I’m just there in name only since I live so far away.”

  “Do you need to do wedding stuff today? Is that what the call was about?”

  “Yes, I’m sorry. I didn’t plan on it . . .” Nick scanned Katie’s face for some kind of disapproval. “Do you mind?”

  “Not really. I know weddings can be a lot of work. It’s intense. Do what you have to do. You’ll be back tonight, though?”

  “Yes, of course.” Nick knew that tomorrow was her birthday, and there was no way he was going to be hungover for that. Not even close. “Hey, come in here for a bit? I still have some time before I have to go.”

  Katie sat on the edge of the bed, her long legs folded at the ankle. He combed a hand through her hair as he sat with her, kissing her cheek. “You are so wonderful.”

  She blinked rapidly, not saying anything in return.

  “What are you going to do while I’m gone?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe go through all your old family photo albums and see what you looked like as a young kid.”

  Nick laughed. “You know, after ditching you like this, I think I deserve that. Check my sixth-grade photo. I was at my most awkward then.”

  “Nick, I’m teasing.” Katie pressed a kiss to his lips, then wrapped her arms around him in a tight hug. “You’re pretty wonderful too. And hey, maybe that’s what I’ll do! I think I saw the movie Some Kind of Wonderful in your parents’ collection.”

  “So you’ll have an eighties marathon while I’m gone? I have to say, I wish I was staying here,” Nick said, struck by how true that really was.

  Nick found Alex and Levi in an Irish pub in the downtown core of Oshawa, about a fifteen-minute drive from his parents’ place. Oshawa’s downtown was very different than Toronto’s downtown; instead of high-rises, Oshawa’s streets were covered in crappy neon signs and ancient bars and pubs, most of which were below run-down apartment buildings that were often subsidized. It wasn’t the worst neighbourhood, but it wasn’t exactly Nick’s favourite place. The pub was the kind that middle-aged men went to, night and day, whether or not they had a wife or kids or no one at home. It was always dark, and always seemed a little dirty, even if someone was cleaning the place at the same time.

  When Nick entered, a woman with deep laugh lines around her face was wiping down the hostess area. He gave his name, and she led him right to Alex and Levi’s table near the back. Michael, the other groomsman, was also there. There were three white-haired men at the bar, one with a hacking cough, and two who sat in silence.

  “Hey, Nick! Thanks for coming out,” Alex said. “It feels nice having the entire wedding party together.”

  Alex was dressed in a blue button-down that brought out his eyes, and a nice jacket over top of it. Levi was wearing a green shirt and a similar ensemble, his curly hair notably without product. Michael, another teacher at Alex’s high school, wore a sweater overtop of a collared shirt. His wire-framed glasses were at the bottom of his nose, and he appeared to be the only one of them who hadn’t been able to handle his alcohol from the night before. While Alex and Levi had beer, Michael had black coffee.

  Nick sat at the far end of the table, right next to Alex. After some pleasantries were exchanged, Levi passed Nick a glass of beer already filled to the top.

  “Drink up. It’s celebrating time,” Levi said, not taking no for an answer.

  “Oh. Thanks.” Nick took a tentative sip and then turned his attention towards his friends. “So, how was the party last night?”

  “Good. Barely remember it,” Michael stated. His voice sounded husky, as if he’d been yelling all night.

  “Same for you?” Nick asked Alex, who blushed, like he always did when they talked about sex. Alex didn’t answer as he sipped his beer.

  “It was good,” Levi said, answering for him. “I’d tell you all the salacious details, but I have a feeling I’d gross you out by talking about it.”

  Nick smiled awkwardly. He didn’t know how to respond, so he took another drink. “And the tux fitting this afternoon?”

  “It’ll go well. Everything will look much better,” Alex said. “Photo-ready.”

  “Yeah, my balls will no longer be sandwiched to one side,” Levi added. “I’m looking forward to it.”

  “Always good,” Nick said. He was relieved when Alex took the lead in the conversation, updating Nick and the others with a few more details about the ceremony. There was a last-minute fuckup with an order for the bride’s party, an allergy someone on Erin’s side of the family hadn’t told anyone about, and a couple more calls he had to make by the end of the day to the butterfly conservatory to make sure they could still hold the same number of people.

  “I mean, it’s only a party of fifty. Not that big at all for a wedding. But I’m amazed at how much all of this takes. And I didn’t even have to help. No one even expected me to, you know? It all fell on Erin’s shoulders. But I didn’t want her to do it alone.”

  “Such a good husband,” Levi said, half-sincere and half-petulant. When silence fell between all of them, Levi gestured towards the bar. “Can you believe that guy?”

  “What guy?” Michael asked. Nick’s vision was drawn towards one of the white-haired men. He spoke to the waitress, but his cough was so bad, he seemed to punctuate each word with another hack. Levi nodded, confirming that was the man he was referring to. When he started to mimic the coughing fit, Alex cut him off.

  “Stop. He’ll hear you.”

  “He’ll hear himself,” Levi insisted, shaking his head. He continued to mock the man at the bar, affecting his voice and mannerisms with startling accuracy. Levi’s voice impressions were half the reason they’d first started hanging out with him in university; going to the bar with him was always like getting a drink and a show. If he hadn’t been so consumed with his economic degree, Nick always figured Levi would have gone into voice acting—or hosting a game show. Both entertainment fields seemed perfect for a guy like him.

  Levi didn’t have much time to continue his impression before the waitress came back. She plunked down a tray of nachos and jalapeno poppers. She seemed to notice Nick for the first time. “You want anything for lunch? These guys have all ordered burgers, and this is their appetizer.”

  “Um.”

  “Get him a burger, yeah,” Alex said. “Put it on my bill.”

  Nick felt like a small child being ordered for, but he nodded along as he felt his stomach quiver. He hadn’t eaten breakfast before leaving, and he was going to need something in his stomach so the beer on tap didn’t get him drunk.

  “Thanks again, man,” Nick said when the waitress left them. “I feel awful you’re buying me food, but I appreciate it.”

  “Alex is your sugar daddy for the day, then you get to be mine for the nights afterwards,” Levi said. He extended his leg under the table, jokingly brushing it up against Nick’s leg.

  “Which actually reminds me,” Alex said. “Have you found anyone to take with you for the wedding? I was talking to Erin, and if you can’t, her cousin is definitely okay with going. So long as you don’t mind sitting next to a nineteen-year-old who probably will spend most of the time talking about One Direction.”

  “That sounds perfect,” Levi said. “But you have someone, don’t you, Nickie?”

  “Um.” Nick swallowed hard and picked up a couple of nachos to distract himself. The cheese was too hot and burned his tongue, but he pushed forward. “I do have someone to take, actually. So yeah, I’ll be good.”

  “You do?” Alex said. “Oh thank God. I really didn’t want Christa to come, because Erin knew she’d co-opt the DJ and play nothing but One Direction.”

  “Nick will still do that,” Levi said. “But with Bouncing Souls or something else. You better pay your DJ extra to not listen to requests.”

  Nick nodded. “You know, that’s a good plan,
because I will try.”

  “But you have someone? For sure?” Alex held out his phone, a message half composed. “Because I’ll tell Erin right now.”

  “Well, I haven’t asked her yet—”

  “Her?” Levi and Alex said at the same time. Even Michael seemed a little shocked. Alex and Levi exchanged a look, and Levi kicked Nick under the table.

  “All this time,” he jeered, “all this time and you’ve been keeping your proclivities a secret form me? From us?”

  “Not exactly . . .” Nick’s face felt so, so red. He should have thought this over more. He should have just taken Tucker. There was no real guarantee that Katie even wanted to go, and he shouldn’t have assumed. Especially when this whole conversation could have been avoided. He continued to dish nachos onto his small plate and sip his beer.

  “No, no,” Levi said. “You don’t get off that easy. Is that who you were buying egg-free pizza for at the grocery store? Weird update, by the way. We thought you had gone vegan overnight.”

  “Maybe . . .?”

  “Oh, you’re so bringing a chick to a wedding. As, like, a date!” Levi said, needing all the confirmation Nick could give him. “Nice way to come out . . . again. But really, try not to take the attention away from Alex, all right?”

  “I didn’t mean to steal anything. Should I not . . .” Nick looked at Alex, who merely waved his hand.

  “Doesn’t matter, Nick. Everyone will be gawking at Erin in her dress, I know it. Doesn’t really matter who you bring. But I am curious. Are you dating this girl, or is this like the prom date you took?”

  Nick laughed. “No, she’s not my lab partner. She’s actually—”

  The waitress came by and handed over their burger and fries. Nick had never been so happy to see food. There was some shifting around as the appetizers were pushed to the side and condiments were dished out. Levi also asked for another pitcher refill, Michael asked for more coffee, and they settled into silence as they devoured their meals. They seemed to forget the conversation that had just occurred, but Nick knew it wouldn’t be for long.

  He wasn’t sure what to tell them about Katie. If he said girlfriend, that would be accurate (since she said they were only dating one another). But could he tell them she was trans? Was that too personal? Did he only want to say she was trans so he could remain gay in their eyes? He remembered Tucker’s words about expectations and relationships, and knew that he had already blown their expectations out of the water. Nick had always been the weird gay friend in their little group. They had known other gay people, obviously, but Nick was their main guy. And he had been their main guy for such a long time. Now that he had a girlfriend, would Nick still be the same person to them? Would he want to go to strip clubs like the night before? Nick didn’t think so. He didn’t want to go to any clubs anymore. He wanted to go home and walk a dog, and then learn how to bake an eggless cake.

  “So, I gotta ask,” Levi said, halfway through the meal. “Are you bi now? Or is this some weird experimentation phase?”

  “Do guys really have that?” Alex asked. “I mean, gay guys?”

  “If straight girls and guys can have phases with the other sex, why not the other way around? I’m all for equality.” Levi laughed and joked around about a couple of parties he’d attended in undergrad where he’d made out with some of the hosts. “It was like mandatory. You gotta know if you’re gay or not, so why not make out? Turns out I’m only gay above the waist. So what about you? You only straight above the waist? Is that how it works now?”

  Nick sighed. There were so many things in that statement he wanted to address, he had no idea where to begin. “Sexuality is complicated.”

  “Pfft,” Levi said. “Nah. Rocket science is complicated. Knowing where you like to put your dick is something else.”

  “We’ll agree to disagree, then.”

  “Fine, whatever.” Levi rolled his eyes. “Does she have a name?”

  “Katie.”

  “Okay, we’re getting somewhere. What does she do? We’re gonna keep playing twenty questions until you give us all the details. And with three of us asking, that means sixty questions in total. You ready?”

  “Levi.” Alex raised his eyebrows. Nick sent a silent thank you look over to Alex. If there was anyone who could rein Levi it, it was Alex.

  “Fine. Not sixty or even twenty questions. But five?”

  When the entire table stared at Nick for approval, he eventually caved. “Fine. Five questions—two of which I’ve already answered. Her name is Katie and right now, she’s getting an art degree.”

  “How old?”

  “Turning thirty-one tomorrow.”

  “Oh shit. You’ve gotta get a present.”

  “You’re telling me? I was going to bake something, but I don’t have time. So now I need to find an eggless birthday cake. Which apparently isn’t that simple. Shit.”

  “Oh. I know.” Alex pulled out a business card from his jacket pocket. “This is the place where we got the cake done for the wedding. It’s just around the corner. I know they have eggless goods on sale day to day.”

  Nick took the card with curiosity, then set it down. “This is probably way too expensive. But thanks.”

  “Nonsense. We can help out. It’s not every day that your formerly gay best friend gets a girlfriend.”

  Nick wanted to say something else, but Levi was still busy asking questions. He held up his hand with only two fingers left standing as he counted down the questions. Their burgers were all pretty much done now, as was the beer pitcher and Michael’s coffee carafe.

  “Okay, so how long have you two been going out?”

  “We met about a month ago. I’ll count that as the official first date.”

  “And you’ve kept it secret this long! Nick.” Levi shook his head.

  With one question left, Nick’s stomach flipped with worry. Levi smiled, checking in with Alex before his dark, beady eyes landed on Nick again. “Have you fucked yet?”

  “Yes,” Nick said. He felt bad exposing the more personal sides of their relationship—especially since Levi and Alex almost never asked him about whether or not he fucked his boyfriends yet—but Nick was also relieved. The questions were now over. And Katie was still Katie in his mind, and they were none the wiser of anything else.

  “Then I guess you’re not just straight above the waist,” Levi said. “Huh. Never would have guessed.”

  Nick shrugged, allowing a stunned silence to set around them. The waitress came by and packaged up leftovers and handed out checks.

  “Well,” Alex said. “I think this has been an interesting lunch. Shall we go get some cake?”

  The bakery was right down the street from a porn store. That was another thing Oshawa had in abundance that Nick had almost forgotten about entirely. Nick tried to not notice the neon-orange sign while he and Alex found egg-free cupcakes. They paid at the front, got a couple of samples, and were about to head to their respective cars when Levi did a double take.

  “Well, well, well,” Levi said. “What do we have here?”

  Nick closed his eyes. So close. Levi held the door open as Michael headed inside, followed closely by Alex.

  “Come on, don’t look like a kicked puppy,” Levi chastised. “You used to love it in here.”

  “Before I discovered the internet and SeanCody.com, yeah.”

  “Well, things are different now. Alex is getting married and apparently you like pussy. So come on now. Let’s look through some things for you and your lady friend. There are so many years of techniques we need to get you caught up on.”

  Nick flinched under Levi’s words. It felt all kinds of wrong reducing women down to their genitals, especially now. But had he always done that? Even with guys? He didn’t remember, but the answer was probably yes. The few times he had gone in this store with Alex and Levi when he was younger, he’d headed right to the back for the gay porn and talked about dick size for hours. Now he just felt awkward. He tried to li
nger near the front, checking out the magazines, before he remembered that Katie could use a toy on him. Maybe that could be another birthday present. The thought made Nick smile, and he turned around with a more determined goal. He made his way towards the toys at the back, but soon ran into Levi.

  “That’s the spirit,” Levi said. “You coming to see what I found? I gotta show you.”

  With a groan, Nick followed behind Levi towards the videos. He was struck by just how many more fit in the area when they weren’t stacked like the old VHS were. Most of these DVDs were in thin cases, barely the size of a regular DVD movie case. Some porn packages even boasted an extra USB file that contained more videos for the price of one. Nick wasn’t sure how to pull away from Levi without causing even more of a fuss. And really, it wasn’t like what he was looking at was bad. There were straight DVDs and gay ones, along with several group orgies that were designed for any particular interest.

  “Look at this!” Levi handed Nick a DVD that seemed relatively tame at first. A woman in a pink bra on the cover, with her nipples showing. But Nick skimmed the title and realized it was trans porn. But not the good kind of trans porn Katie had sent him a few links to over the past weeks. What Nick held now made his stomach turn.

  “Yeah, man, I feel the same way,” Levi said. “Makes me go queasy inside too. I can’t believe this stuff gets made.”

  “I know.” Nick wished he could take back his words when he knew they meant different things. Nick couldn’t believe movie producers reduced trans people down to these most basic parts, but Levi . . . well, Nick wasn’t sure what Levi meant anymore. Nick stared forlornly at the toys, wishing he could escape, but knowing it would be nearly impossible to explain. Maybe he could say his girlfriend wanted to peg him—which wasn’t a lie, really—but now he felt too vulnerable and exposed. And besides, do I even have the money for a toy right now?

  “This is just bizarre,” Levi said, still referring to the films.

  “How? Why?”

  Levi raised an eyebrow. “Because you think you get one thing and then, bam, another. She could walk into the bar and be smokin’ hot, and then you get her back and it’s The Crying Game. And, like, in these videos . . .” Levi flipped the cover over to an image of a woman on the back being fucked from behind. The cover blurred just the right amount so it wasn’t too obscene, but it was clear what was going on. Levi affected a high-pitched airy voice and began to mimic—or mock—the woman. Nick felt his cheeks go red and his hopes for his friends stop. Even as Alex came over and swatted Levi in the arm, it wasn’t because what he was doing was offensive, but because it was too loud.