Hopeless Romantic

by Francis Gideon

  “Oh. Yes. That’s fine. Easy.”

  “Good.” He took her hands in his own, still down on one knee. “Because I love you. I wish I could stay. But I’ll be back. Later tonight. I promise.”

  “Oh, that’s what they always say.”

  “That may be what they all say, but that’s what I will do. I will come back to you. Always.”

  Katie examined him for a couple of extended minutes before she nodded. She didn’t say anything else.

  “Will you kiss me?” Nick asked. “Before I go?”

  Though Katie chuckled at the request, she leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to Nick’s mouth. It was all he needed to get through the night.

  “I’m dying,” Levi said. He touched the tie around his neck, pulling it to the side and nearly unclipping it in the process. “Why did Alex think we had to keep full tuxes on? I’m dying. This is Hell.”

  For once, Nick didn’t disagree with Levi. The conservatory, while full of beautiful flowers and many different species of butterflies, was a humid mess. When Nick had arrived a half hour late to Alex’s hotel suite, he’d explained the mix-up and that Katie wasn’t coming. Some heated words were exchanged before Levi had broken up the confrontation by offering a drink from his flask. The ceremony was now over and photographs were still being done, but mostly with Erin, Alex, and their family. Levi and Nick were out of sight, near a small waterfall and makeshift pond.

  “Should we head outside? Into the lobby?” Nick asked. “I’m pretty sure it’s not as stifling there.”

  “Nah, I think we may be called for more photos. If we leave, the rest of the party will, and that’s just bad form.”

  Nick noted that several people were already dabbing their heads with napkins or fanning themselves with the wedding brochures. Even Alex seemed to sway on his feet, but was soon corrected by Erin’s hand on his side.

  “Yep,” Levi said. “We’re stuck in here where we will all die of dehydration. Too bad, too. I never got to meet your invisible girlfriend.”

  “She’s not . . .”

  “Smile!” One of the photographer’s interns appeared in front of Levi and Nick. “You two look so good in front of the waterfall. Give us a smile?”

  Levi donned his standard shit-eating grin and slipped a hand around Nick’s shoulder. Michael appeared next to them, his dark curls nearly stuck to his forehead with sweat, and also posed for another photo.

  “She’s not invisible,” Nick said when both the photographer and Michael had left. “She’s just . . . still in Canada.”

  “Oh, come on. That’s an even worse excuse. You’re making her sound like an Avenue Q song.”

  “You do realize that the ‘my girlfriend is Canadian’ excuse only means she’s fake when we’re not actually Canadian, right?” Nick asked bitterly.

  “Smile!” This time, the actual photographer for the event headed over with Alex in tow. All three of them posed for more photographs in which Nick was sure he’d looked dreadful. After a couple more agonizing shots, the photographer left while Alex remained.

  “By the way,” Nick said, turning to Alex, “why on earth is your wedding in the States? And how come I didn’t realize until today?”

  “Because you’ve been fucking an invisible girl,” Levi said.

  “She’s not invisible, come on,” Nick said. “I have her on Facebook.”

  “Uh-huh. You sure you aren’t being catfished?”

  Nick was about to take out his phone to show Levi the selfie he and Katie had taken the night they hung out in Toronto, but Alex spoke again and redirected the conversation. “Nick, I’m sorry about the location. But some of Erin’s family is from the US, so this seemed like the easier compromise. Licensed in Canada, celebrated in the US. I complained about this at my bachelor party, actually.”

  “But I never went to that!” Nick said, exasperated.

  “You should have come to the party, man.” Levi brought out his flask again. He took a couple of long drinks before he extended it to Alex, who also knocked back a couple of swallows before passing it to Nick. They were probably not doing their dehydration any favours by drinking whiskey, but it was something. Nick knew he couldn’t stay angry at Alex, or anyone else in the wedding. The whole thing was a terrible miscommunication and, like Levi had pointed out, he would have been able to notice had he gone to more of the wedding events and maybe paid more attention to addresses. This was Alex and Erin’s day, and even though Nick still felt bad that there would be an empty place setting going to waste, he couldn’t let his frustration get in the way. He took several deep breaths to compose himself.

  “You know, I’m sorry too,” Nick said. “Really. I think I’m just bummed because I really did want Katie to come. For real this time. I think you would have liked her.”

  “I know, man. I’d have liked to meet her too. But it’s probably for the best. I have to do so much stuff today, I’ve barely even seen Erin’s family,” Alex said. “But you said your girl is close by, right? A hotel over the border?”

  “If she’s still there,” Levi teased. “If she’s real.”

  Nick punched Levi on the arm, which Andrea, Erin’s sister, caught as she passed by.

  “You two—stop it,” she chastised. “I know it’s hotter than Hell in here, but you don’t have to make it worse. Behave. I thought our dad would be the hard one to keep under control.”

  Levi made a face Andrea couldn’t see as she waved over Erin. Alex said a couple more nice words, promising that he’d check in with Katie and Nick on the other side of the border, before he disappeared with them again. For even more photos.

  “Are they still taking pictures?” Nick said. “Jesus.”

  “Yeah. I mean, if you rent a place out for the evening, may as well keep it going,” Levi said.

  In spite of the horrid heat, the butterfly conservatory was actually a really beautiful place to have the wedding. All while the ceremony had been underway, butterflies would come up and land on people’s shoulders. The photographer’s intern had seemed to attract the most butterflies, perhaps because of the perfume she was wearing. When a green butterfly with black markings had landed on Erin’s dress, there had been murmured whispers as a dozen cameras seemed to go off in the middle of vows. The fact that their wedding colours had been green and blue only added to the synchronicity of the event.

  Nick looked down at his watch and saw it was almost time for the reception. The day was inching by slowly, but it would eventually be over. He took out his phone and texted Katie a quick message, even though the roaming fees would murder him later on his bill.

  Thinking of you. Ceremony done. Be there as soon as I can.

  Though he couldn’t send her the photos via text without paying a fortune for the roaming fees, he took some of the butterflies to show her later. To the left of the waterfall was a feeding station for the butterflies filled with cut-up orange slices and bananas. Several butterflies were at the feeding area, their wings stationary as they ate. Nick took several pictures to add to his collection. As he rounded the station, he caught sight of Levi in his shot.

  “You actually have a butterfly on your jacket right now, Levi. Can I take your photo?”

  Levi noticed the small monarch on his shoulder with surprise. He gave a thumbs-up and smiled as Nick snapped the picture.

  “Thanks for not giving me the finger. This is a nice photo.”

  “No problem. Can I see?” Without waiting, Levi glanced over Nick’s shoulder and appraised the photographs. Nick skimmed through the other ones he’d taken of the ceremony and butterflies, then minimized the gallery app. The selfie he’d taken with Katie acted as his background, and though Levi clearly saw the image, he didn’t say anything. The silence between them couldn’t have lasted more than a few seconds, but each passing one magnified the gnawing feeling of guilt Nick had been feeling all damn day.

  When Nick’s phone screen faded to black, he put it in his jacket pocket mutely and made a motion to Levi for t
he flask.

  “So,” Levi said, passing it to Nick. “Tell me the real reason.”

  “The real reason?”

  “Yeah, the real reason your girl’s not here. It’s pretty weird that you forgot a passport and then didn’t turn back to go to get it.”

  “So? We were going to be late.”

  “You were already going to be late. What’s another few hours when it could mean getting someone into a wedding? Even if she was worried about you being late, she could have doubled back by herself after dropping you off. There were a million other solutions than the ones you chose. So what’s the real reason? Is she a criminal? Did she have a key of coke on her?”

  “Stop creating your dream girl out of my dream girl.”

  “Oh, I see,” Levi said. “So she’s your dream girl?”

  Nick huffed. He made motion for the flask again, and Levi passed it to him. “Yeah, I think she is. Too soon to say or do anything for sure, though. After Barry, I want to take my time a little.”

  “Of course.”

  “But you know the feeling, right?”

  Levi shrugged. “I’ve heard people describe it. Not love at first sight, but this overwhelming feeling as a piece of their life falls into place. Or some other Hallmark shit.”

  “Yes. The clichés. The songs making sense on the radio and everything in between.” Nick looked down at his shoes and swallowed another drink. They’d nearly drained the entire flask by now. “That’s what it’s like with her. I know it’s foolish.”

  “Especially since you’ve liked cock for so long.”

  “Hey, a guy is not just his cock. Just like a woman’s not just her pussy. Okay? Okay. Glad we had this talk.” Nick took another drink and drained the flask. When he handed it back empty, Levi wasn’t even surprised. He tucked the flask away with a wry smile.

  “I think I know,” he said.

  “Know what?”

  “Your girl’s secret.”

  “Do you now?” Nick was buzzed enough from the whiskey that he didn’t care. “Then tell me, oh great wise Levi.”

  “Well, I saw that photo. I don’t think you’re being catfished. And while she’s pretty and all, she’s also not a girl, is she?”

  “Fuck you, Levi. She is.”

  Levi laughed. His loud, boisterous laugh that Nick had heard all through university now seemed sinister, like someone scraping nails on chalkboard or breaking glass. “Oh, Nick. I thought you said you’d fucked her. How do you not know what’s in her pants? Oh my. Listen closely because I think I gotta tell you something.”

  “No. Shut up, Levi. I know.”

  “You know?”

  “I know.” He balled his fists at his side and took another breath. So many scripts on how to deal with situations like this came to his mind. Every single Trans 101 YouTube video he’d watched in the past few months replayed before him—but they all seemed inadequate. Those videos were only for people who wanted to learn and to accept trans people, and wanted the lexicon to do it with. For anyone else who was determined to be transphobic, no amount of YouTube karma could be passed on. They needed to be shut down.

  “I know who she is, Levi. Her nickname is Katie from the first name Katherine—with a K—and she’s getting an art and sociology degree from Waterloo University at thirty-one because she failed out the first time she went to school because she was touring with Warped Tour. She works at a bar, but she doesn’t drink anymore. She has a shitty butterfly tattoo on her shoulder blade that she got when she wanted to transform, but now she knows she doesn’t need to. She illustrates fliers for punk bands and she sold so much of her art to help pay for my car. Her middle name is Sheena because she likes that Ramones song, and yeah, she picked her middle name, and her first name. She used to go by something else, and yeah, she’s trans. I know all of this, Levi. None of it’s a shock or a big reveal that you see in the movies. Do you know why? Because those movies aren’t real.”

  Levi’s eyes had grown wide with surprise. Some of the wedding party turned around. None of them seemed to be able to hear what Nick was saying, but Andrea gave them a look that said, Shut up or leave.

  Nick only lowered his voice as he turned to Levi again. “All the ideas that you think you have about Katie aren’t real. So maybe she is an invisible girlfriend to you—because this pornographic image you have of transgender women has been grossly misinformed. That’s not who Katie is. That’s not who I’m dating. And you need to stop talking about her like you already know everything about her, because you don’t. I don’t even know everything about her. That’s not the point, because what I do know, I love. And—”

  “Okay, okay.” Levi held up his hands, his eyes still wide. “Jesus Christ, I get it. You can stop yelling.”

  “I’m not yelling. I’m passionately arguing because you’re an ass.”

  “I’m always an ass. Today’s no different—except that we’re at a wedding and you need to calm down.”

  “I don’t need to calm down. I need to—” Nick caught sight of Andrea once again. Her expression was hard and sour. When Levi motioned for Nick to follow, so they could stand in the corner of the conservatory farthest away from the wedding party, Nick complied.

  “Okay. So. I can see that you are passionate, but so is Andrea and we’re going to be skinned alive if we continue this. As much as I’d love to leave this Hell pit of humidity, it’s not going to be in a cage match as much as you seem to want it to be.”

  Nick swallowed hard. “I don’t want to fight you.”

  “But you will to defend your girl’s honour?”

  “Well.” Nick relaxed a small fraction when he realized Levi said girl unironically. “Are you still going to say shit about her?”

  “No, because I actually think you’ll fight me if I say anything else. And I can’t die at a wedding. It’s just bad form.”

  “It’s also bad form to ask about my girlfriend’s genitals.”

  Levi snorted, as if this were still a joke. When Nick gave him another sharp look, Levi held up his hands in acquiescence again.

  “Fine. I’m sorry, okay?”

  Nick didn’t say anything for some time. When Levi extended his hand to touch Nick’s collar, Nick flinched.

  “Relax,” Levi chastised. “I’m examining your hickeys. At least I know who gave you these vicious marks now. She seems like a lot of fun.”

  “She is.”

  “Can I see her?”

  “What?”

  “Can I see another photo of her beyond the background of your phone? I would have liked to meet her today, regardless of who she used to be. I mean it. If she makes you happy, then I’m happy, because I am your friend, Nick. I will admit that there is a tiny part of me that’s curious about the other stuff—but it’s not personal, okay? I’m just always curious.”

  Nick stared at Levi for a long time. If there was anything about Levi that had remained consistent in all the years of their friendship, it was his need to know absolutely everything. It had been why, when he’d found out that Nick was gay, the two had made out for nearly an hour, because Levi had desperately wanted to know what it was like.

  “You’re not making out with her,” Nick said.

  Levi laughed. “No, I won’t. But I still want to see more photos of her. Can I? I won’t ask any questions.”

  “You can ask questions. That’s how people learn. But be respectful, okay?”

  When Levi nodded, Nick pulled out his phone and scrolled through the photos. He showed Levi some of the pictures they’d taken when she’d stayed at his parents’ place, plus a couple of her art at the Grad House. Levi regarded each image carefully and considerately, asking some questions about her family, her job, and other details of her life. Never again about her gender status, and he never called her anything but Katie or used any pronoun but she. Nick started to wonder if Levi had known what’d been going on all along, but wanted to see if Nick’s interest in her was genuine or for show. Maybe he’d been only posturing w
hen they’d gone to the porn store and he’d said those terrible things. It was hard to tell, but Nick didn’t need to know the origins of Levi’s understanding as long as he wasn’t turning her into the butt of the joke now. Most people didn’t want conflict, Nick remembered. And if Levi wanted to know if Nick’s interest was genuine, he certainly had the answer now. Nick’s cheeks still felt hot from his speech, but he also felt extremely happy to have said it all. It was like coming out again.

  “Can I ask one more question?” Levi said.

  Nick sighed, but nodded.

  “So, if she’s a transgender woman, what does that make you guys? A straight couple? What does that make you? I’m really not trying to be offensive, but you know . . .”

  “Don’t worry. It’s something that I’ve had a hard time figuring out too. I know that when we’re out together, people will see us as boyfriend and girlfriend and that’s what I want, because it means Katie is a woman. I love her as my girlfriend and that makes me happy. But it’s still strange to be considered straight, but now I know I’m not entirely gay.”

  “There’s a word for that, you know,” Levi said. “Come on, even I know bisexuality exists.”

  “She identifies as bi, and though I’m not sure if I want to use that label yet, I’m getting better at knowing that bisexual doesn’t mean a fifty percent split between men and women. It means being open to the idea of falling in love with more than one gender. And, well, I’ve done that, so here I am. Bisexual in a way. Huh.” Suddenly it seemed so easy to hold that identity as part of himself, as if now he had the empirical evidence—or at least, a friend’s approval. “So yeah, I guess I am bi too.”

  “Cool,” Levi said. “We’ll have you a coming-out party later.”

  “Oh, please no. But a breakfast tomorrow with Katie would be nice.”

  “That’s easy,” Levi said as he considered her image on the phone again. “She is really cute, you know. I like her hair. And that picture with the black and white colours.”