The Secret Stealer

by Jess Webster

  [49] She was slightly horrified by the mercenary nature of her own thoughts at this moment, but eventually decided that James’ becoming the new Secret Stealer was a greater evil than her taking advantage of Byron’s accursed state – and she was, after all, going to pay him a large amount of money for his services.

  [50] Or mogical.

  [51] Well, maybe it wasn’t arrogance, as he actually was very good-looking. But it was arrogant to say it out loud. One just doesn’t say such things!

  [52] James had, somewhere along the line, learned from his heinously rich parents that scruffy-looking people are probably evil, whilst people who look presentable and well-off are all lovely, lovely people. Though this theory had been somewhat damaged by James’ time at Westcott, it had not yet been damaged quite enough to make him capable of thinking ill of anyone who looked so thoroughly suave as Domenic Mancini.

  [53] The careful deliberation and respect with which Blythe Pritchard said these words meant that they could not appear in James’ mind as ‘the book’, but ‘The Book’.

  [54]Especially in the case of the Curse of the Secret Stealer…

  [55] Oh-oh. Ba-bong. Note to all males: if a female is in a particularly bad mood, run away from her, just as you’d run from a clock that seems to be sitting on something that looks like plasticine and is ticking down, down, down. She will expect you to know exactly why she is unhappy, and when you inevitably do not know, the clock will hit zero and all that will be left of you will be your smoking shoes.

  [56] Blythe’s apprentice was rubbish anyway. His grasp of mogic was feeble, even at the best of times, but Blythe tolerated his presence at Manor d’Arlend because he had a certain way with the dachshunds. Which, by the way, were still bred by both Protectors and Deceivers – though more as a matter of tradition than anything else. Dachshund-breeding may have worked as a front several centuries ago, but not in the ever-so-complicated context of the modern world.

  [57] Incidentally, the freezing point of ethanol is –114.1°C. So that’s a pretty cold stare. I was going to say ‘a look that could freeze lava’, because it sounded quite cool, but on a whim I decided to check the solidification temperature of lava. And basalt lava, for example, cools at 800°C, meaning this would have been the most inaccurate and misapplied analogy in the history of literature. Thank God for Google, I say.

  [58]And within the confines of dignity – Blythe Pritchard refused to look gangly and awkward, even when fleeing from mortal danger.

  [59] Domenic had seen a small amount of modern television, and knew roughly what to expect from this situation.

  [60] Riding a mini-tricycle was number 13. These were scribbled on a piece of paper that Domenic kept in his pants pocket. Some of the others included: #3: Do an absolutely ridiculously massive (or silent-but-deadly) fart in an elevator full of prim-looking business people, just as the door is about to open, and then run away. #7. Get rip-roaring drunk to remind self of why not to get rip-roaring drunk, etcetera.

  [61] Esther was beginning to realise that she was the unwitting cause of all James’ current problems. At the same time, she was not perfectly sure of whether to be horrified or amused by his misapplications of logic.

  [62] Except initially, when James became distracted by the pen as it first moved in response to his words. “Oh, look, it’s writing what I say! Aren’t you clever, Miss Mason-Smith! Oooooweeeeeeooooooooo ba ba ba ish doo baaaa ni boooooo.” Gables began to laugh uproariously at this and Esther, hushing the pilot with a deadly glare, replied, “Thank you James. Now, keep going. Don’t play with it.” James looked very disappointed, but reverted to plain English nonetheless.

  [63] Well, if it was true that people who loved each other fought a lot, then Mr Gables and Miss Mason-Smith must really like each other, James thought. It had been one argument after another for the last few hours. He was almost surprised that lemons and extension cords hadn’t yet surfaced in their arsenal of bizarre things to bicker about. All that James needed now was a plateful of potatoes to shovel into his mouth and he believed he would have been perfectly content.

  [64] Doug Winters could have said, “You might as well strangle him now, ’cause your love will never be this perfect ever again,” and it would have seemed like a good idea at the time (c.f. Robert Browning’s ‘Porphyria’s Lover’).

  [65] What? Don’t look at me like that. I’m feeling tired. And you got the idea, didn’t you?

  [66] Pronounced like ‘Emily’, mind you. This is another one of those rich-people things.

  [67] Something should be noted here about Esther Mason-Smith’s perception of the difference between upper and middle-class schooling in Australia. As far as Esther was concerned, of the above list of features (‘swearing, violent and neglected deviants’), only ‘swearing’ did not apply to the children found in Westcott. Miss Gerson-Clay was very strict about language in her school. (Saying ‘I need to pee’ would get you a month’s worth of detentions.)

  [68] The idiom ‘beauty is in the eye of the beholder’ is excruciatingly appropriate in this instance. To be sure, Lilith Palmer had certain inexplicable charms, but such poetry as this was a gross exaggeration of her qualities. Boys quite often mistake changefulness of mood as complexity of character, whereas in fact girls with constantly changing moods can be summed up in one sentence: “I am exactly not what I was two seconds ago” – which quickly becomes tiresome. You try getting along with someone who loves and then despises the same thing in adjacent seconds. Fortunately for all concerned, however, Lilith was destined to outgrow her constant inconstancy, and would eventually be able to be summed up as “I am exactly not what I was yesterday”, which is actually quite bearable.

  [69] Edgar Allan Poe’s ‘Dreamland’.

  [70] As a result of her ability to instil in all males (particularly those unfortunate enough to have had to live with her) a certain fondness for strong ropes, with loops at their ends.

  [71] This involved Lilith cooking all his meals for him (well, Andrew certainly couldn’t be expected to do such a thing – after all, he was a man), but occasionally punching or kicking him when he least expected it.

  [72] Many would argue that this is not an accurate picture of God. They may be right. But we are, at present, talking about Blythe’s perception of God, so get over it and keep reading!

  [73] In Barbados. The two had made a mad dash for the nearest departure gate after Domenic discovered that the Rumbling Man had left the door to the white-room completely unlocked. Barbados simply happened to be where they ended up.

  [74]Proverbs 1:19.

  [75] Galatians 6:7.

  [76] Barbados is, we must remember, 14 hours behind Sydney.

  [77] For a Secret Stealer, James was awful funny about invading privacy.

  [78] Would that all males were as wise as James Winchester IV. The world would be a much happier place.

  [79] There was a ‘magic bumblebee’ saying ‘I so HAPPY it is!’ on the front cover of Lilith Palmer’s diary, so she had taken to addressing her diary entries to ‘Mr Magic Bumblebee’, instead of to ‘Diary’, like the vast majority of diarising females.

  [80] It should be noted that there was nothing wrong with this particular establishment. It was simply that Walter Winchester was accustomed to marble floors and walls, and bellboys with funny hats, and waiters who immediately offered iced beverages upon one’s entrance.

  [81] The heart, for those not up to speed on human anatomy.

  [82] The orphanage cat, named Snowshoes for the white socks that contrasted her black fur.

  [83] The orphanage dog, named Hitler, not due to any dictatorial nature, but for the strange way his sleek black hair parted on his head and the odd black oblong-shaped birthmark beneath his nose.

  [84] “We’ve been through this… it’s a ROBE!” (Kronk’s shoulder angel, The Emperor’s New Groove.)

  [85] It wasn’t that the girls liked Nadine, Madison, Ophelia or Lucy, or felt protective of them. It was more like this: “He
y – new girl – we’ve been imagining making those girls cry for years now. You’ve done it in a matter of three days. We don’t applaud you for taking our glory.” Primary school can be so brutal and illogical at times.

  [86] Lilith’s brain worked in very, very strange ways.

  [87] Andrew assumed that quiet children, as they spend less time talking, must spend more time listening, and must therefore be good at schoolwork. James was quiet, but spent all his time thinking rather than listening, and jumping to dreadfully inaccurate conclusions, as you and I have seen. He was not, as Andrew supposed, overly fantastic at schoolwork.

  [88] It’s just after the one about kids not being allowed to do unsupervised cartwheels and other ‘gymnastic movements’ at school.

  [89] The family was, after all, in Australia – a country ‘entirely peopled with criminals’ (Vizzini, The Princess Bride) – so Walter Winchester I felt he could do as he damn well pleased.

  [90] What actually went through Blythe’s mind as she wore that expression was this: ‘Thanks for your input Mr Tact, but shut up.’ Domenic understood her perfectly and shut up.

  [91] Blythe appreciated the gesture, but did not exactly know what Domenic meant by it. If a fight were to ensue, she rather suspected that a bucketful of earthworms would be more useful than that tall, thin and thoroughly unintimidating husband of hers.

  [92] Think of it like this: something must always come from something – except in the case of the very first something. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction; all cells arise from pre-existing cells; neither energy nor matter can be created nor destroyed, simply changed into other forms. Except the problem with these concepts is: where did the first matter come from, the first action, the first energy, the first cell? Everything must start somewhere. I am not saying that there were no children prior to Andrew who were nasty, but simply that, in the case of some children (like Andrew), a nasty character is not the opposing reaction to some previous action – it just began. It simply was, is, and shall be, forevermore.

  [93] And furthermore, by Esther Mason-Smith’s own previous logic (or, at least, the opposite application of it), because Byron could see the secret-seeing boy, the rescue attempt had been successful, and his ‘reward’ was assured. YES!!! thought he.

  [94] It’s actually a very interesting facial expression. Let’s hope, though, that you don’t ever have the occasion to use it. Because it first requires you to have done something very stupid.

  [95] The odds are actually very high – please now refer to Lesson Eleven.

  [96]Anchorman: Luke Wilson (after losing his only remaining arm): “Oh, come on! This is gettin’ to be ri-goddamn-diculous!”

  [97] And, I must add, this certainty was not ill-founded.

  [98] Again, she was correct.

  [99] Well, the first one was simple. The second one, as a Protector, was slightly more complicated.

  [100] Well, maybe a teensy bit.

  [101] Byron: “Dear God, I hate clingy women. Well, maybe ‘hate’ is too strong a word – maybe ‘really really dislike’. Pleeeeease find me a woman who is happy to see me when I am actually in the country and doesn’t demand that I work less and doesn’t get offended when I occasionally can’t spend time with her. And please God, let her be attractive, because children get half their genes from their mother and half from their father, and I don’t know if I could bear having an ugly son or daughter, even if they are only half ugly. I’m sorry if that sounds cruel, God, but is it too much to ask? I’m good-looking, after all, and I’m pretty nice.” (Pause). “Amen.”

  [102] Byron: “Oh, and PS. Please don’t let her be someone who says ‘I love you’ too soon in the relationship and then gets pissed off when I don’t say it back to her. Amen. And PPS. Sorry for saying ‘pissed off’. Amen.”

  [103] Due to his childhood morbidity, which surprisingly was not relieved when he passed the age of 11 without incident, James, by the time he was only 20 years old, had locked away in his brain the understanding, the symptoms and the treatment of approximately half of the diseases known to man (which is a lot).

  [104] The name ‘Lilith’ may look nice on paper, but you try saying it very fast 20 times over without hurting your tongue and/or degenerating into gibberish. Bet you can’t.

  [105] Now that Esther was married, he couldn’t really call her Miss Mason-Smith, could he? But at the same time he couldn’t seem to bring himself to call her Mrs Gables.

  [106] “Ugh, you puerile-brained, absurdly long-legged creatures – this is what I have been trying to tell you all along! Now give me that tasty treat this instant or there shall be hell to pay!”

  [107] What? Don’t look at me like that. They do alternate endings all the time on DVDs, so why not in books? If you hate it, just re-read the Epilogue and leave me alone!

  [108] I did stipulate that you should only read this alternate ending if you were a sadist. Perhaps I should also have specified ‘partially insane’.

  Glass House Books

  an imprint of Interactive Publications

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  Carindale, Queensland, Australia 4152

  sales@ipoz.biz

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  First published by Interactive Publications, 2010

  ePub version created 2010

  © Jess Webster

  All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission of the copyright owner and the publisher of this book.

  Originally printed in 11 pt Book Antiqua on 16 pt Book Antiqua.

  National Library of Australia Cataloguing-in-Publication entry:

  Author: Webster, Jessica.

  Title: The secret stealer: a grand history of the curse and its accursees. Volume 267. James Winchester IV / Jess Webster

  ISBN: 9781921479564 (ebk.)

  Dewey Number: A823.4

  About the Author

  Jess Webster was born in Shellharbour, Australia, in 1986. During her teenage years she tried her hand at many jobs, ranging from clowning, to Wendy’s Ice-cream girl, to customer service at a local petrol station. (Each with varying levels of success…) Following her graduation from high school in 2004, it was Jess’s love of strange words (such as carbaminohaemoglobin and glomerulonephritis) that led her to study Science (Biotechnology) at the University of Wollongong. From this course she graduated with Distinction in 2008. She continues to pretend that she will have a real career one day, and in 2009 commenced a post-graduate Bachelor of Medicine and Bachelor of Surgery at the Graduate School of Medicine in Wollongong.

  Jess has been writing stories and novellas to entertain family and friends since well before her teen years, although ‘The Secret Stealer’ (which she wrote at the age of 21) is the first full-length novel she has actually completed. Always with at least five different stories on-the-go, she hopes that she will be able to publish many more in her time.

  Glass House Books

  Brisbane

  Acknowledgments

  There are several people I must acknowledge, who either helped me in the process of writing this book, or kept me sane (or not…) during that year!

  Mum, for letting me read my story to you, even when you were tired. (Please note that my mother does not really have narcolepsy, although she really did fall asleep whilst I was reading my story to her. What that says about my writing I daren’t say…) Kiah, Lisa and Peter, for your encouragement and constructive criticism. Siobhan, for helping me to find and fix my pre-med-school bloopers. My awesome sister Christen, for being so handy with a camera. My old co-workers at Southern IML Pathology, who also made the year 2008 a fantastic one for me (“In your pants!”).

  Also a very big thankyou to the lovely people at IP, particularly David Reiter, for taking a
chance on such a new and young author like myself, and of course my editor Anna Bartlett, whose fantastic advice will have (I’m sure) saved me many a time from grammatical ridicule, amongst other things (“As you wish, jellyfish!”).

  Please also note that my perception of God does not coincide with Blythe Pritchard’s perception of God. In my mind, God is love (1 John 4:16). Furthermore, my basic philosophy, or how I try to live my life, is summed up in this short statement: Love God, love people (Matthew 22:37-40). So I would like to acknowledge God as the source of every good thing in my life (including my ability to write).

  Cover Images: Jess Webster

  Jacket Design: David Reiter

  Author Photos: Christen Webster

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