A Girl of White Winter

by Barb Hendee

  I acted out the pirates killing the crew and taking their hostage. I dropped my voice low whenever the pirate captain spoke.

  The crowd remained silent, listening and watching.

  In the story, the young man grew older and stronger and learned how to fight with a sword. Finally, the captain sailed the pirates to an island where they’d hidden a great treasure. But there, he planned to maroon most of his own crew, keep only a few to sail the ship, and keep the treasure for himself.

  Since he considered the young man a weakling, he shared his secret and promised to spare the young man’s life if he would help maroon most of the other pirates. But the young man played a trick, and that night he had the pirates hide all around a clearing, and inside the clearing, he got the captain to reveal his traitorous plan.

  When the other pirates heard, they no longer trusted their captain, and the young man challenged him to a fight. The captain laughed and drew his sword, but in the end, the young man killed him, and then he became captain of the pirates.

  Telling this story took some time.

  I did not rush, but acted out each part of the tale for the crowd, and when I had reached the last word, I dropped my arms to my sides and bowed my head.

  Silence hung in the air at first, and then thunderous applause broke out. People shouted for another tale. Teresa and Michel were ready this time and wove quickly through the crowd with their hats. I heard coins clinking as Raven stepped out, motioning to me with one hand.

  “The lady in white!” he called again.

  I bowed once and walked off the stage, not hearing anything that followed. Jade had to catch me as my legs almost gave way backstage, but then Marcel and the dogs went past, and suddenly Raven stood beside me.

  His face was unusually pale, and he wouldn’t meet my gaze. “That was…that was good.”

  Hearing his praise meant something to me, more than hearing praise from my lady, and I didn’t know why.

  “We need to get you out of that gown, so we can lay it on a bed and keep it clean until the next show,” Jade said in my ear. “Can you come with me now?”

  There was nothing I would have rather done than flee the stage with Jade, and I nodded, still clinging to her arm.

  * * * *

  Back inside the safe four walls of Jade’s wagon, I finally felt able to breathe. She didn’t appear to notice my state though, and could not contain her enthusiasm.

  “You’ve a natural gift, Kara,” she said. “Raven always describes us to town magistrates as ‘a quality show’, and you add something.”

  A thought nagged at me. “I’m not vain enough to think the crowd reacts only to my ability to tell a story. They’re caught up in the illusion of how I look.”

  “They’re caught up in everything! Yes, your unusual appearance matters, and so does that fine silk gown. It’s the gown of a noblewoman. But…you can do more. You can do what Ash does. You hold their full attention. Few people can do that.”

  Her praise mattered to me, as did Raven’s, and I tried not to think of my plans to earn money and then abandon them. But my lady certainly needed me more than they did.

  Jade unlaced the back of my gown so I could step out. My dirt-specked ice blue muslin lay on a bunk, and I reached for it.

  “Wait,” she said. “I have a few things for you.”

  “Things?”

  Going to the lower side bunk, she picked up a wool dress of deep red and a pair of small boots. “This dress was mine before I had Sean, and I’ve spent the past few nights hemming it. I think it will fit you. I know you need something warmer than what you have. The boots were Jemma’s, but she bought a new pair last year. These are old but still usable.”

  As she spoke, I could hardly believe what she was saying. The women here had worried for me and found proper clothing for me. Jade had spent her nights hemming. Not trusting myself to speak, I put on the dress and the boots. They fit. I was warm and comfortable.

  Then she wove my hair back into a single braid so the color was not quite so obvious.

  “We’ll take it down again before the afternoon show,” she said, “but the braid will add even more waves.”

  Looking into the mirror, I couldn’t help tears stinging my eyes.

  “Oh, Jade.”

  She’d given me much more than a dress and boots. She’d made me look more like one of them. She’d helped me to blend. There was no way I could thank her enough.

  Waving me off, she said, “Oh, it’s nothing. No one was using those.” Then she paused. “But…”

  “But what?”

  “Part of putting on a quality show means quality costumes, and Jemma’s stage dress is worn thin and has been mended too many times. You don’t have to say yes, but I was wondering if she might wear that blue silk in your trunk.”

  “Oh, of course. Please take it for her. She can wear it in the afternoon show.”

  That blue silk was nothing to me. I had no use for it, and Jemma had given me a pair of boots. But Jade’s face broke into a broad smile.

  “Thank you, Kara. You’ve a generous heart. We could never buy something like that.” She grasped my hand. “I’m sorry for the way I’ve treated you. When Raven first brought you, I knew nothing of your past, and I thought he was…well, never mind what I thought. I was wrong, and he was right to place you in his own wagon. He always meant to put you in the show, and you needed a little extra privacy. I see that now.”

  This was quite a speech, and I didn’t follow all of it, but her apology meant a great deal to me. To my mind, she had nothing to apologize for, but the fact that she cared to say these things touched me deeply.

  “You’ve nothing to be sorry for,” I said.

  “I do, and when I think of that day you brought honey back from the market so Sean could have it on his bread, I’m ashamed of myself.”

  Unable to answer, I simply gripped her hand.

  * * * *

  The days passed.

  I was part of the troupe, and yet I wasn’t—because I planned to leave. We performed twice a day, and every few days, Raven had the stage moved to a new part of the city. Word of my stories began to spread, and as our crowds continued to grow, so did our profits.

  But every time Raven gave me my share, I stowed the coins away, having some idea of their value now, and my plan never wavered. I couldn’t remain with these people, and none of them knew it. Something about this pained me, but my lady needed me more.

  Five days after arriving in Narbonnè, after the second show, I counted my coins. If I included the silver hair clips, I believed I would have enough to bribe some local man—with a horse—into riding to the de Marco estate with a message.

  That afternoon, after the second show, once I’d changed into my wool dress and boots, Jade, Jemma, and I went to the market to buy supplies for dinner. When no one was watching, I purchased a quill, paper, and ink.

  The merchant at the booth was middle-aged and soft-spoken.

  Quietly, I asked him, “Sir, if I wished to send a written message north, where might I find someone to hire? I can pay.”

  “How far north?”

  I wasn’t precisely sure, so I answered, “To the de Marco vineyards, to the manor there. Do you know it?”

  “I know of it,” he said. His brows knitted. “I have a nephew, Stephen, who’s paying off a debt. He’s been working nights at the Iron Boar tavern, but for the right price, I think he’d take it for you. He can borrow a horse from me.”

  This was easier than I’d imagined. “Thank you. How might I speak to him?”

  “Come to the Iron Boar tonight. You can speak to him there. Do you know it?”

  I shook my head, and he gave me directions. The place was not far.

  * * * *

  That evening after dinner, as we sat around the fire, I asked Jade, “When we le
ave this city, where will we go next?”

  Raven sat nearby, listening.

  “To a town about a day downriver called Corlean.”

  “Will we stay long?”

  “A few days.”

  I looked toward the small, white wagon. “Would you mind if I didn’t help with clean-up tonight? I’m feeling tired.”

  She stood, seeming concerned. “Are you well?”

  “I’m well, just a little weary.”

  “Yes, that ghost story you told this afternoon was long, but the audience loved it. Go and lie down.”

  My status in the group had changed over the past few days, and I didn’t feel guilty leaving without helping to clean up. My act was bringing in more money than any of the others.

  After saying goodnight, I went to the wagon and lit a candle.

  Then I sat at Raven’s table and wrote a letter to my lady, telling her what had happened to me and letting her know I would be in Narbonnè for another week, after which we would be traveling to Corlean. I sent her my love, and my certainty that we would be together again soon. Then I folded the message into quarters.

  Blowing out the candle, I sat alone at the table…and I waited.

  Later, I heard the sounds of water being splashed over the campfire, and the calls of people saying goodnight. Not long after, I heard Raven climb up onto the flat roof above me. Still, I waited until long after everything around me had fallen quiet.

  Finally, I stood, donned my cloak, and slipped from the wagon, carrying the written message. All my money and the silver hair clips were stowed in the pocket of my cloak.

  Though the thought of traveling into the city at night frightened me, I had no choice and hurried from the camp into the streets of Narbonnè. I knew the way to the market by now, and the merchant I’d spoken to had provided clear instructions for finding the Iron Boar from there.

  Keeping my hood up, I walked swiftly, first to the market and then down a side street. Here I began passing soldiers and bargemen and women with painted faces and low-cut gowns. Trying to remain invisible, I continued on until at last I spotted a sign up ahead depicting a dark gray boar with tusks.

  Once I reached the closed door to the tavern, the sounds of raucous laughter came from inside, and I hesitated. How would I do this? Go inside and ask for Stephen? That seemed the only option. Still hesitating, I held the note up to look at it under the dim light from a distant streetlamp.

  There was no turning back now, and I reached out for the door latch.

  I never touched it.

  From nowhere, a hand came from the darkness and grabbed my wrist, pulling me around and pressing my arm up against the outer wall of the tavern. Wild fear coursed through me at the strength of the hand on my wrist. I nearly cried out…and then found myself looking up into Raven’s black eyes. He snatched the message from my hand.

  “What is this?”

  After an instant of relief that it was Raven who held me—and not some stranger seeking to do me harm—despair set in. He’d followed me.

  “Why don’t you read it and see,” I whispered.

  “I can’t read, but I probably don’t need to read it to guess. You’re trying to send a message to your lady?”

  Dropping my gaze a few inches, I focused on his solid jaw line and didn’t answer.

  “Are you that much of a fool?” he asked. “You’d give your money to some man in a tavern, hoping he’ll ride all the way north to de Marco lands? What’s to stop him from just keeping the payment and tossing the message?”

  I hadn’t thought of that.

  “Worse,” he went on. “What if he does deliver it? What if your lady sends someone after you?”

  “Then I would go home.”

  “For a day…maybe. Then Lord Jean would send word to the Capellos that you’d been recovered. He’d have to. Men like him can’t be seen to renege on financial agreements, and he’s already sold you to Royce Capello.”

  “No!” I cried. “My lady would protect me.”

  “Like she did before? She’d somehow be able to stop Lord Jean this time?”

  Now, I was breathing fast as his words filled my head.

  Leaning in, he said, “If you have that message sent, you’ll be in Royce Capello’s bed before winter.”

  I stood shaking. Everything he said was true. Everything. Why had I not seen it? My lady was forever lost to me, as I was lost to her. The truth of it all came crashing down, and I couldn’t hold back a sob.

  “Then I am alone.”

  Without warning, Raven grasped my head and pressed one side of my face up against his shoulder. His other arm wrapped around my back, and he held me so tightly I couldn’t move. His mouth was close to my ear.

  “You are not alone!” he whispered fiercely. “You have us. You’re part of us now, and whether you know it or not, I…we have come to love you.”

  Held so tightly in his grip, I should have been frightened, but I wasn’t. All I could feel was the warmth and strength of his body. I didn’t want him to let go.

  Reaching up with my free hand, I gripped his wool shirt.

  We remained there for a long time, and then he said. “Can we go home?”

  Home was our wagon.

  I nodded.

  Chapter Eight

  It took a few days for the truth of my present and future to completely sink in, that I was already home and these people were my family. I was a traveler now, a performer. I was lost to my lady, and she was lost to me. I must accept this. But to my surprise, once I did accept it, as opposed to sorrow, I began to slowly experience a sense of…liberation.

  I worked hard preparing for my act. I helped Jade to mend costumes. I bought myself material to sew another wool dress, and we used my spare white muslin to make Emlee a new stage gown—adding some trim and a purple sash. We finished our tour of Narbonnè, putting on two shows a day, moving the stage about every three days to different parts of the city. Then we left. My friendships with both Jade and Jemma were deepening, and with some surprise, I found that I was content, almost looking forward to my life.

  Only three things darkened my days.

  First, upon reaching Corlean, we learned that word of my act, the lady in white, had already reached the town. The crowds were large, and people were coming to see me. Though Jade and Raven were elated by this development, something about it troubled me. I didn’t know what…but something.

  Second, since that night when Raven had forced me to see the truth, things between us had changed. Again, I didn’t know what. I only knew that he often followed me with his eyes, and that at night, I was aware of him on the roof above, and I sensed he was aware of me just below him, just inside the wagon.

  Third, Jade was growing more and more unhappy. She was always kind to me, and she worked hard on the show, but there was a haunted look in her eyes. I didn’t know why, and I wanted to help. She was my friend.

  We stayed two days in Corlean and then rolled onward to the next town. That night, after making camp along the road, Jemma and I carried buckets to a stream, to fetch water, and we had a few moments to ourselves.

  “Jemma…” I began. “Do you know what troubles Jade? I know there’s something wrong, but I don’t know how to ask her.”

  Kneeling beside the stream, she nodded. “It’s Raven. For years, those two have always been on and off. You must have wondered about the sleeping arrangements, with Sean, Tannen, and Badger in Jade’s wagon. But if she and Raven wanted to sport around with each other, they always found a way…his wagon…or an inn if we were camped in a town…or they’d go off into the woods.”

  Although I was somewhat naïve in what happened between men and women in the bedroom, I wasn’t entirely ignorant. More than once, Lord Jean had ordered me to leave my lady’s apartments so that he might sleep there.

  “Has my sleepin
g inside Raven’s wagon become a problem?” I asked.

  “Oh, no. That’s not it. Trust me, if he wanted to go off somewhere alone with Jade, he’d find a way. But always before, those two would burn hot for a while, and then some tavern or town girl would catch his eye and he’d leave Jade alone, but he always went back to her. Always. I never understood her. She’s proud. You’ve seen that, but she always takes him back. Then, this past summer, he stopped chasing other women around. He stopped looking at anyone but her, and this autumn, we all expected him to finally ask her to hand-fast.”

  “Why do you think he hasn’t?”

  “Well…first there was you. No, don’t look at me like that. Everyone knows you’re not sporting around with Raven. I may tease you a little, but except for Jade, Raven’s never fished in his own pond. But he does have you sleeping in his wagon, and he’s never done that, and Jade was angry. Once she understood why, the two of them started sitting and talking together like normal, and we all just figured they’d start to burn hot again, but they haven’t.”

  “And she’s wondering why?”

  Jemma nodded. “I can’t figure it out either. I think she’d feel better if he took up with some pretty tavern wench for a week or two because at least he’d be acting like himself. Then she could count on him coming back to her. But he’s not sporting with anyone else, and she can’t figure out why he hasn’t come to her like he always does.”

  Turning away, I filled my water bucket. Instead of feeling better, I felt worse. Though I couldn’t recognize it openly, in the back of my mind, I knew why Raven had not gone back to Jade.

  * * * *

  We played several more towns as the weather grew colder, and Jade told me that after one more city, we’d be heading back to the settlement for the winter.

  “Before leaving though, we’ll use most of the money Raven has saved in that brown pouch to buy supplies for our people back home: grain, lard, flour, sugar, cornmeal, wool cloth, canvas…other things they need but cannot produce themselves. Since we don’t help with the harvest, this is our winter contribution.”