Meat Market Anthology

by S. Van Horne

  But I’m floored at what I see when my eyes land on them. He’s looking right at me, and his little finger points my way. Lilly stands frozen in shock.

  “Eee, Momma. Daddy.” He starts wiggling to get out of her arms.

  Carefully, she puts him down, and out of the corner of my eye, I see him take off at a run right toward me. However, I can’t turn my gaze from Lilly as tears start to run down her cheeks. I’m not sure why she’s crying, and before I can open my mouth to ask her what’s going on, something hits my leg. Glancing down, I find her son wrapping his arms, as best as he can, around my legs and looking up at me.

  “Daddy. ‘ere. Wing,” he demands. I take in his face and recognition hits me like a ton of bricks. It’s the same familiar eyes, nose, and chin. They’re familiar because I see them every day in the mirror. “Tome, Daddy.”

  I bend down, gather him in my arms, and hold him close. The pain of thinking he’s another man’s child is now replaced with the fact that I have a son and had no clue. I’ve missed so much and have no idea how to absorb what I now know.

  Fingers gently brush over my shoulder, and I open my eyes. Lilly has joined us, her hand covering her mouth and regret pouring out through her gaze. The tears drip down her cheeks, and my anger slowly builds.

  “Talk. Now,” is all I can get out through my clenched teeth while I hug my son tightly to me.

  CHAPTER SIX

  LILLY

  I TAKE A DEEP BREATH and try to process what just happened. This is not the way I wanted Jax to find out about his son. Seeing him cling to Kasey like he’s going to disappear has that pain shooting deep inside me again.

  “I mean it, Lilly. Start talking now,” Jax’s voice has me looking back into his eyes.

  “No, Daddy. No talk. Wing,” Kasey demands, grabbing Jax’s face and pulling it to look at him instead of me. Jax’s eyes soften as he looks at our son, and his lips start to form a grin.

  “You want me to help you swing, little man?” he chokes out, holding him closer. At Kasey’s nod, Jax turns and starts toward the baby swing off to the side of the fenced area. I quickly grab the stroller and follow. Jax buckles him inside and stands behind him. With a gentle push, Kasey glides through the air and starts squealing.

  “What’s his name?” he quietly asks.

  “Kasey Aaron Knight.”

  Hearing his name, Kasey begins to laugh and screams, “Momma!” at the top of his little lungs.

  “Daddy swinging you, baby? Are you having fun?” I sob.

  Kasey’s grin is full of joy. “Ep, Momma.”

  “I’m assuming your last name is Knight.” At my nod confirming it, he continues. “That will be changed to Somers soon.” Hearing that, I swallow, hoping to get rid of the knot that formed in my throat. “You named him after my meat name?”

  “Yeah, I didn’t know if you would ever be a part of his life, so I named him after something of you. I always wanted him to have a part of you.” I know I’m not making sense, but it’s the best I can do right now.

  “Why didn’t you tell me? Why did you keep him from me? And how does he know who I am? Please, Lilly, explain this to me,” Jax whispers.

  “Can we wait until we get back to the apartment? I honestly don’t want to have this conversation here at the park. But I promised you this morning, I wouldn’t run until we talked.” I glance back at Jax and hold my breath, praying he will agree.

  After a few moments, he nods and then turns back to Kasey. “Son, want to go play on the monkey bars?”

  “Key, Daddy, Key!” Kasey claps and raises his hands up. Tears continue to fall while I watch Daddy and son bond for the first time and wonder if I will ever be a part of the future bonding moments they will have.

  Dread at what is to come after we get to my apartment starts to cloud my mind. I wonder what Jax will say or do. Every so often, he glances at me, and I see the anger still storming in his eyes and how tight his shoulders are. The fake smile that I’ve had gracing my face since the moment Kasey looked at me, squealing with joy from hanging off the monkey bars while Jax held him, is threatening to slip as the images of everything that could happen flood my mind.

  A little girl runs up to him and tugs on his jeans, and I watch, wondering what he will do. As he bends down and talks with the girl, a real smile finally spreads across on my face. I take a second to think what he would be like with our little girl. Her mom comes over and smiles at Jax, which causes a sick feeling to swarm in my gut at seeing the four of them. That isn’t something I want to even think about. When the mother and daughter walk away, a sickening thought crosses my mind, terrifying me to my core.

  What if he takes Kasey from me? How will I ever live without having my son?

  JAXSON

  It’s been a few hours since we made it to the park, and I’m now following my son as he walks down the sidewalk toward Lilly’s apartment. At first, she didn’t want to allow him to walk, but when I explained that I’m here to help chase after him, and it also allows him to run off any extra energy, she finally nodded in agreement. I don’t know how she does it. I’m exhausted just at the little time I’ve spent with him.

  “Ook,” Kasey stops and points at a flower that’s growing in someone’s yard. “Et. Momma. Daddy.”

  “He said get,” Lilly explains, since I’m sure my face, again, is probably showing how confused I am with his language. I’m learning a few words here and there, but Lilly explained earlier at the swings that it’s normal at his age to not pronounce his words well. It will take some getting used to translating when it comes to talking to him. “Baby, we can’t pick it. It isn’t ours. How about we go back home and I’ll get you a snack. What do you say? Want a snack?”

  “Eat?” Kasey turns back to us and then runs up to Lilly holding his arms out. She scoops him up and buckles him back in his stroller. She’s an amazing mother, and I wish I’d been able to be there from the start. These past few hours at the park with the two of them had me falling in love with Lilly in a whole different way than I realized was possible. I know it seems so fast, but for the past two years, I think I was falling in love with her and the memory of her. Now…well now, I’m falling for the mother of my child, and the possibility of having future children makes me hopeful. That is, if I can get past the pain of her leaving me out of his life from the start.

  We walk into her building, and I think about why she didn’t reach out. Yeah, she didn’t have my contact information, but she could have called the shop and talked to Jason. That realization has the anger rising up again.

  “I’m going to get him laid down. He fell asleep like I knew he would. Once I get him settled, we can talk,” Lilly whispers as she opens her door.

  “Let me help.” I see she is about to say no. “Please, I need this. I don’t want to miss another moment, no matter how small it is.” I hate the sound of my voice, but I’m desperate to have these moments with my son.

  After a few seconds, she nods, and we enter her apartment. Quickly, before she can stop me, I unbuckle Kasey and pick him up out of the stroller. I hear a sniffle and turn to see the tears are falling down her beautiful face once again. She turns and moves down the hallway, stopping outside a door where she faces me again, watching me make my way to her. Before she can move away, I lean down and place a gentle kiss on the top of her head. I know it’s sending mixed signals, but I need her to know that I’m not leaving. I just need to figure out how to handle the rage that’s flowing through my veins.

  Once I have Kasey in his crib and finally decide he isn’t going to vanish, I turn but stop short at what I see on the wall. Pictures of Lilly and me together from that night cover the wall. I know them well because I took them with her phone. She had printed them all out and placed them in different color wooded frames around a plaque. The plaque is painted baby blue with stars and moons in the top right corner. There are white block letters forming the words “Sweet dreams, angel boy, Mommy and Daddy love you” and in the left bottom corner the
re is a brown teddy bear. It takes me a minute to keep my emotions together at seeing she made sure I was still a part of his life, even if it wasn’t the way I wanted to be.

  Before I can get too deep into my feelings and start thinking I’m a pussy, I walk past her and toward the living room.

  “Want something to drink?” Lilly asks, as she heads to the kitchen.

  “No, what I want is answers to my questions. Why the fuck didn’t you call Jason to track me down and let me know I was going to be a daddy?” I don’t mean to sound so pissed, but I can’t hold back my anger any longer. I need fucking answers, and I want them now.

  LILLY

  Fuck…I was hoping to get something to drink to get my emotions under control before facing the music. But I guess that isn’t going to happen. Clenching my eyes closed, I take a deep breath and sit on the chair across from him.

  “I was scared that you would take him away because I didn’t have any family. I know it was wrong, and I can’t tell you how much I regret it. It wasn’t until a child died in the ER about a month ago due to genetic issues that I realized just how much I fucked up by not getting ahold of you. And before you ask…no, that isn’t the only reason why I contacted you. I’ve regretted walking away from the hotel since I got back home that morning. When I saw the pictures, I wished with everything in me that you put your number in my phone.

  “But I realized my phone must have been locked. I thought about calling The Meat Market, but I didn’t know what I would say. So, I decided to get my life together, and then maybe I could come back into yours…only to find that I was pregnant. Then it hit me, the thought of what you do for a profession, and I didn’t think you would want to be a dad. Over the past fifteen months, I’ve debated time and time again about calling you, but I didn’t, and now…now I regret it more than I can ever explain or say. I just ask that you please don’t take him from me. He’s all I have.” The sobs I’m trying to hold back escape, and I wrap my arms around my waist while he digests my explanation.

  “I’m so pissed you didn’t get ahold of me so I could be there from the moment you found out. I’m hurt I missed the first fifteen months of my son’s life. Fifteen months I will never get back, no matter how many pictures you show me or stories you share with me. Do you know how bad that hurts to know that you will never get the first smile, tooth, word, step…fuck, the first everything back? I can’t look at you right now. I need your number. Program it into my phone.” He holds out his phone, and I do as he requested.

  After handing him his phone back, he quickly presses a button, and my phone starts ringing. He looks up at me, and I see the anger simmering just below the surface. The regret pulls even harder than it did a moment ago.

  “You leave with my son and I will do everything in my power to bring you down. I just need some time to process everything,” he vows, and it feels like all the air has been punched out of me.

  He turns and storms out the door, which makes me crumble to the floor, knowing any chance I had with him is now gone forever.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  JAXSON

  MY HEAD IS IN MY hands as I wait for my brother to get into his office. It’s been three days since I found out I have a son. I called Jason saying something came up and I needed a few days off. He was worried, but I promised him that I would fill him in on everything after I had time to process it first.

  I know I should have stayed and spoken things through with Lilly, but I just couldn’t. Hearing that one of the reasons she didn’t contact me was due to me being an escort at The Meat Market solidified my decision to quit. I know I love both Lilly and Kasey more than anything, but I am also aware that we have a long road ahead of us. And the first step is ending my second job.

  “Lucca, you can’t mean that, man. Think about what you’re saying before you decide to stop.” Jason steps into the room with his phone in his hand.

  “Jay, you’re like a brother to me, and I offered two years ago to give you the funds to keep the shop open. When you told me no, that you needed to do this on your own and that you needed my talent instead…well, I would do anything for my family. However, I’m getting tired, and it’s getting old doing this nightly. So, one more date, and I’m done.” My eyes widen at hearing Lucca’s voice coming from the speaker on Jason’s cell phone.

  I am shocked that he is quitting. Talk about shit timing? I wonder how Jason will react to my news and how our relationship will be affected with my leaving.

  “Ugh…fine, one more, I’ll contact you when I get done talking to Jax. I had a call a few moments before he got here requesting Italian Sausage, so I’ll get all the details and get back to you.” Hanging up, Jason sits down and leans back in his chair. “Start talking or I’m calling Mom and Grandma.”

  I groan at the realization that’s going to be a call I also have to face. Then, I take a deep breath and let everything out. The shocked face he has as he processes that he’s an uncle makes me want to chuckle. The look of understanding that I get when I tell him I want out of the escort game has me relaxing a bit in relief that it isn’t going to affect our relationship. However, by the time I’m finished with every emotion I have felt the past three days, it leaves me feeling even more drained than I did when I first walked into the shop.

  “What are you going to do about Lilly?” Jason’s voice breaks the silence.

  “I don’t know. I know she’s the one, but the pain and anger I feel over her keeping Kasey a secret, I don’t know what to do.” I’ve always looked up to him, so when he speaks, I listen.

  “I’d thank life for throwing you this chance.” Jason’s words stun me.

  “What? How the fuck am I supposed to be thankful—”

  “You only lost fifteen months, Jax. In the big scheme of things, it’s a damn blink of an eye. You love her,” he states, and I swallow, knowing it’s true. “In life, all you can do is keep moving forward. Reach for the shit that means something. Lilly and that little boy are that something.”

  I sit in silence, absorbing his words.

  “It can’t be that easy,” slips out of my mouth before I can think better of it.

  “Life is hardly ever easy, brother. Sometimes, you just have to keep moving forward. Keep going, hold onto your something good with both hands, no matter what.” After standing up, he walks around and pats me on my shoulder before leaving.

  My head drops as I take in what he said about holding onto something good with both hands. I know both Lilly and Kasey are that something good, but can I really just accept what she did and be thankful that I have the rest of his life? Can I accept what I have missed and pray that I get another shot at seeing the first fifteen months with another child?

  “Oh, think about this, too…can you picture her with someone else? Can you picture her belly big from another man? If the answer is no, then you best get your ass up and get back to her apartment,” Jason says from the doorway. He must have come back into the room when I was thinking to add those much-needed words. The hurt and anger of his voice has me looking over my shoulder.

  Meeting his gaze, it takes a few seconds for me to spot something fierce reflecting from his eyes. The emotion that is coming from them and that was clear in his voice leads me to think he understands how much that would kill me. That there’s a woman who is important to him and just the thought of her being with someone else…makes him want to commit murder. He acts like he understands the pain it would put me in just witnessing it with Lilly. The idea of who he might be referring to begins to form, but before I can ask if it is who he’s talking about, he turns and walks back out.

  An image of Lilly, Kasey, and another man pop into my head, and it has me seeing red. Just the thought of another man being in their lives, let alone playing daddy to Kasey and putting another child in Lilly’s belly, has rage surging in my veins. I realize the fury I feel from that is much more than what I feel about missing my son’s first few months of life.

  This fuels my movements to get
there now because I can’t get the thought out of my head. The only thing I can process is going to her apartment and not only telling her, but showing her that she won’t ever be with another man as long as I draw breath into my lungs.

  LILLY

  It’s been three days since I’ve last heard from Jax. At first, I was crushed and blamed myself for everything. But today…now I’m pissed that he hasn’t called or even come back to see his son. Es isn’t impressed with Jax right now, either. She debated calling and canceling her date to help me, but I talked her out of it. She needs to do this so she can finally move on.

  Right now, I’m relaxing in the tub with a bottle of beer in my hand. I don’t get to soak often, so when I do, I take full advantage of it.

  I start thinking back to the last time I saw Jax. Questions swirl through my head…Who wants their son around a man who thinks escorting is okay? What is that teaching him? That alone is reason enough for my keeping Kasey away.

  But then on the flip side…Who would be okay knowing their momma got pregnant by said paid escort? Shit. Tears start building up again. How am I going to explain to my son that I paid for sex and got pregnant with him? What kind of mom does that? This is just a fucking mess, and now, I want another beer. I know I shouldn’t because it goes straight to my head, but right now…I need something to take the pain out of my heart.

  I grab a towel and start drying off. The sound of someone banging on my door has me throwing on the skimpy robe that hangs in my bathroom and rushing to the door. Kasey is asleep, and if he is woken up from his nap…let’s just say, I’ll be in hell until it is bedtime.

  “If you wake up my son, I swear to God I will…” I stop mid-sentence when I see it’s Jax on the other side.

  He says nothing as his eyes rake my body, and I realize what I’m wearing is probably not the best way to open the door. When he reaches my eyes again, I recognize the desire in his and also see it is mixed with anger.