by Hayden Hunt
“You know about backlighting, right?”
“Of course, but the sun isn’t behind me right now. There are no light sources behind me.”
“Okay, so the sun isn’t behind you right now, technically, so you’re not going to be backlit in the traditional sense. But, it’s going to reflect very badly on the water. So, really, you might as well be.”
“Oh… I hadn’t even considered that. Huh… yeah, that makes sense.”
I smiled, because I could tell he was at least slightly impressed by me. I felt like I was really undoing the bad impression I had initially made.
He settled himself down on the dock. “Okay, so, like, how do you want me to sit?”
“Just stare out at the water for now.”
He nodded and looked out. I took a few shots of him just facing the water. First, a head-on shot facing his back. Then, I walked around the dock to get a few angles with the side of his face. They looked nice, but they weren’t very personal or striking.
“Okay, now turn your head over and look back at me.”
He did, but it looked completely unnatural. He was tense, his face was strained, and it was coming off very awkwardly.
I lowered my camera and looked at him.
“What is it?” he asked.
“You’re just, uh, not looking very natural.”
He sighed. “Yeah, I’m not photogenic at all. I knew this wasn’t going to be great. Look, I’m totally sorry if your pictures come out shit because I’m not a great model—”
“No, stop, don’t even.” I cut him off. “It’ll be fine. This isn’t the first time I’ve shot someone who was awkward in front of the camera. The key is just to get some candid shots, so… Why don’t we just talk?”
“Just… talk?”
“Yeah, let’s just have a conversation. I’ll be awkwardly behind my camera, but, you know, eventually you’ll open up and stuff.”
“Okay, sure, yeah.”
I thought for a moment. “Tell me about your life. What do you do for a living?”
“I’m an electrician.”
“Really? An electrician? That’s awesome.”
He shrugged. “Not really. It’s boring, tedious, and basically the exact opposite of what I want to be doing. What about you?”
“Oh, I don't have a real job. I’m still working retail, going to school, you know the drill at my age. I got off to a slow start in getting started on my career and everything, I guess.”
“No, don’t think that,” he insisted. “Seriously, I got an early start, and I ended up in a career that I absolutely hate. Trust me, it’s better to take your time and get to know yourself before you go down the path your career is going to take you.”
“You got an early start, huh? How early?”
“Pretty much right out of high school I got an apprenticeship. I got married and began my career the year I turned eighteen."
“Eighteen, seriously?!” I asked. “And you've been married?”
Learning these details about him, I had to remind myself to focus on photographing him. I was so interested in just learning details about his life.
“Yep, and to a woman, actually.” He let out a deep breath. “We got divorced only a few years ago, actually.”
“Holy shit! Are you like bi or—”
“Nope, not bisexual. Just your usual closeted gay man in his twenties.” He gave a little sarcastic grin, and I snapped another photo. That one was going to be a winner, I already knew. It was totally genuine.
“That’s insane, that you lived in an unhappy marriage for so many years…”
“To be fair, I wasn’t totally miserable. It wasn't passionate, and I wasn’t in love with her, but she was a nice woman who I did care about really deeply. She was my high school sweetheart and my best friend. I still really regret hurting her… though, she seems to be doing well. She’s in a relationship with a new guy.”
“Well, that’s got to feel good, right? She’s happy and you’re out of the closet, so your choice to end the marriage ended up being the right one. Everyone is better for it.”
“I guess, but the best thing to do would have been to not have gotten married in the first place.”
“Well, did you even know you were gay back then?” I asked.
“I did, or… I don’t know. I was in denial, but I knew. It’s just not what I envisioned for myself. It’s not really what the people around me envisioned either. So I got married to the only woman I had ever been with, got a masculine labor job, and started my seemingly straight life.”
I could see the regret in his eyes. Again, I had to snap a picture. Funnily enough, his inability to pose is actually turning out to be a positive in this shoot. Taking candid photos of him, I’m getting much more genuine and realistic shots.
“You know, I don’t think you need to blame yourself for that. You were a kid then, you were nervous about being gay, it makes sense.”
He shrugged. “I don’t know, it’s still my fault. I may have made those decisions when I was young, but they still were the wrong decisions. You, on the other hand, clearly you’ve made the right ones.”
As we spoke, I continued to snap pictures any time his expression struck me.
“What do you mean by that?” I asked. “I mean, you don’t really know me.”
“I know you’re a young guy, clearly in your early- to mid-twenties, who accepts himself for who he is, who is happy to tell a complete stranger that he’s gay and not worry about the repercussions. That’s something to be proud of, it really is. I didn’t have the courage to do it.”
I smiled. “Well, honestly, I was a little scared to tell you. I’m usually not, though.”
He raised an eyebrow. “You were? Why?”
“I guess I wanted you to like me for some reason. I don't know, I cared what you thought about me, a bit. And I got the feeling you didn’t think much of me.”
“Oh, now that’s not—”
I stopped him. “You don’t have to lie to kick it,” I teased. “Be honest, I know you didn’t have a good first impression of me.”
He laughed. “Okay, no, admittedly, I didn’t like you much at first.”
“And why was that?” I asked.
“Oh, it doesn’t make sense to rehash it, does it? I mean, I don’t want to hurt your feelings, and I was clearly wrong so…”
“No, please, tell me,” I pleaded. “I’m loving this conversation. We’re being so frank and honest, and… I don’t have a lot of these conversations with people. Let’s just keep it going with complete and total honesty.”
He was quiet for a moment. “Okay, yeah, sure. I’ll bite.”
I grinned. “Well, then, continue.”
“Okay, so I guess I assumed you were kind of… superficial? Ahh, I’m cringing saying that. It’s so judgmental, and I knew nothing about you, but you seemed so… young, I guess. Young and a little naive, maybe a little into yourself. Which is a stupid assumption because you never gave me a reason to think you were egotistical, but that’s just what I assume when guys are really loud and outgoing, I guess.”
I chuckled. “No, you’re right, guys my age who are too talkative are generally douchebags.”
“But you aren’t,” he said quickly. “You are… you’re not what I expected you to be at all.”
For a moment, I thought he was looking at me in an almost flirty way, but the expression faded quickly and I chose to ignore it.
“So, what did you think of me?” he continued.
“You were… interesting to me from the start, honestly.”
“How so?”
“I don’t know. You were quiet, solitary. You give off an air of maturity. Which, of course most people at school don’t, so I was drawn to that. And I’m sure I seemed really immature so…”
He laughed again. “Well, you did seem kind of really into partying, drinking, things I’ve grown out of. Actually, things I never really was into to begin with.
I nodded. “But, hones
tly, they’re not really things I’m into, either. I mean, okay, yes, I definitely have been going out and drinking too much. But not because I’m just obsessed with partying. I guess I’m coping with all the bullshit that’s been thrown at me lately.”
“Yeah, I understand. And it makes sense. But that’s no way to cope, you know. That’s only going to lead you down a dark road, my friend.”
“Trust me, I know. And I’m cutting way back, believe me. I’m going to take a step back and settle into my life a little more.”
He gave one more gentle smile. “I’m glad to hear that.”
That was my favorite smile he had given me so far. It was sweet, comforting, and it started a small warmth within me. That was it: that was my golden picture. I snapped it and soon found out that it was also my last picture.
“Oh, shit, I guess I finished my roll.” I sat there in surprise. I didn’t think I was taking that many pictures.
“I didn’t know you wanted to shoot in only this spot,” he answered.
I sat down next to him on the dock. “Uh, I didn’t, actually. I wanted to get a few places, but I guess time just got away from me.”
“Yeah, I didn’t realize how much time had passed,” he said, looking down at his watch. “I’m not sure I’m going to have the time I want to shoot my roll,” he looked up at me hesitantly.
“Oh, shit, I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have taken so long. But we can meet up again if you want?”
“Yeah, that’d be great!” he said, I think more eagerly than he meant to. “Tomorrow?”
“Tomorrow would be perfect. Same place, same time?”
“Sounds good to me.”
He let out a sigh as he began to step off the dock. He was slow to do it, and I got the feeling he didn’t really want to leave.
“Hey, do you want to help me rewind this?” I asked quickly. “I think I got the hang of it, but, you know, I want to be sure.”
I knew I had gotten the hang of it, actually. Once you realize that the pressure releases when you finish rewinding, it’s super easy. I mean, my camera makes a loud click and everything. But I was desperate to hang out with him a little longer.
“Sure!” he said eagerly, as he sat down again. He reached across my lap to grab my camera.
“Okay, give me your hand,” he said smoothly.
I obliged him, and he placed it on the wheel that rewinds the film. He began rolling my hand around to push the wheel, his hand on top of mine.
It felt like forever, the time it took to get the whole thing to rewind. But I didn’t mind. I had chills, his hands fixated on top of mine.
Finally, there was the click, and Rich said softly, “See, there you go.”
“Yeah, I think I get it now,” I said, my voice shaking a bit.
Shit, I think I really might like this guy.
5
Rich
Okay, if I’m being honest, I could have totally shot my roll of film yesterday. I might have had to rush a bit, but I knew exactly what I wanted to shoot.
That’s the issue, though, I hadn’t wanted to rush it. I had wanted to relax with Patrick some more. And seeing him another night in order to finish would give me the ability to do that.
So what if I had to tell a little white lie to make that happen? I don’t even believe that Patrick had minded. I really think he had been enjoying our time together as much as I had.
But, fuck, what was I doing? This kid was too young for me. I had loads more life experience than him. Was it even appropriate for me to want him?
I guess our age difference isn’t that big. It’s only six or seven years’ difference. And it’s not like I’m some creepy professor trying to scam on some young ass or anything.
I genuinely like this guy. I can’t believe it, especially considering how much I disliked him the first day I met him. But he was nothing like I had assumed.
He wasn’t superficial. He was outgoing and talkative, but I liked it. He was genuine. He wasn’t overdoing it on small talk, he was truly trying to create a connection with me.
And I felt one.
For the first time, too. Literally for the first time in my life. I’d had crushes on other men, I’d found other men attractive, but I hadn’t gotten close to any of them. I haven’t wanted to. There hadn’t been that intellectual connection.
But there is an intellectual connection between Patrick and me, absolutely. I hadn’t been able to open up to anyone like that since my wife. And even then, it had been different. I had opened up to her because she had been my best friend and because we had been married and that’s what married people do.
Opening up to Patrick is different. I have deeper feelings for him. Talking to him makes me feel… happy. Even talking about shitty things in my life, I’m happy. And I haven’t felt that in a very long time.
So what am I supposed to do? Let that go just because he’s a little younger than me? Because he doesn’t have the same life experiences I do?
That seemed silly when, at the same time, I don’t have the same life experiences he does. Obviously he’s more experienced with other men than I am, which is mildly intimidating. But I know I’m mildly intimidating to him in other ways.
The point is, I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with it. And I don’t mean to assume that he definitely likes me or anything, but I am definitely going to pursue something. And I hoped that he would, too.
I got to the lake a half hour early today. He had been early yesterday, and I was hoping he would be today too. I wanted to spend more time with him, if at all possible.
Thankfully, he showed up early, too, and was already there when I arrived.
“Hey,” he smiled at me. “Ready to take some photos?”
“Yep, I thought we’d go down to the beach, if that’s all right.”
“You’re the visionary,” he said, as he got up off the bench and started walking to the sandy beach with me.
My romantic feelings for him definitely aren’t helped by the fact that we had been meeting at the lake at sunset. It’s absolutely beautiful here. The nature area is very pretty, too, but something about being at the beach when the sun is setting is so special.
“So, where do you want me?” he asked, once our feet had hit the sand.
“Would you mind maybe taking off your shoes?” I asked. “It's totally fine if you don’t, but I was hoping to get some shots of you just sitting in the sand.”
“Going for that beach vibe, huh?” he asked.
I nodded.
“No problem at all.”
Not only did he take his shoes off, but he also rolled up the cuff of his jeans and unbuttoned a few buttons on the top of his shirt. His normal collared shirt and jeans outfit was transformed into a breezy beach look, just like I wanted. He totally understood what I was going for.
We didn’t need to make casual conversation in order for me to get good pictures of him. He was a natural. Everything I wanted from him, he got it down immediately. The tilt of his head, a slight smile… he nailed every micro-expression.
I got the exact pictures I envisioned. A cute, fun, charming boy hanging out on the beach. A few photos with the flow of the water behind him. Thankfully, Patrick had taught me about fill flash yesterday, so I made sure to activate my flash for those ones.
“This is perfect!” I said, as I continued snapping pictures. “You make a great model.”
“Thanks!” he said cheerily. “It’s not my first rodeo.”
And that was very obvious. I’m assuming he’s modeled for other people in his photography class or something, but I wouldn’t have been surprised if he had told me he was a professional. I mean, of course, he's already told me he works retail, so I know it’s not true, but he seems like a professional.
I finished my roll pretty quickly, a lot more quickly than had I expected to. Every pose was absolute perfection, so I couldn’t help myself. I would have even shot a second roll, but I didn’t bring any extra.
�
��Wow, I’m done already,” I told him, as I began to rewind my roll.
“Really? Well, that was a breeze,” he said, as he put his shoes on and stood up out of the sand.
“You made it really easy. You’re a fantastic model.”
“Thanks! You weren’t bad yourself.”
“Uh, actually, I totally was.”
He laughed, “Okay, yeah, you weren’t great all by yourself. But the candid shots I got from you were really, really good.”
“Can’t wait to see them,” I said awkwardly, trying to think of something else to say. It’s only been twenty minutes. I didn’t want this to end so quickly.
“So what are you about to do?” he asked, as we started walking away from the sandy beach.
“Oh, nothing,” I said casually, hoping this would leave to an invitation. “Probably just about to go back to my place, maybe grab some pizza. What about you?”
“No real plans.”
I could tell, he was hoping for the same thing. Now that I’d already said I was going to have some pizza, I was sure he wanted me to ask him if he’d like to come with.
And I wanted to ask, but something stopped me. We were both being so hesitant… why was that? Is it because he, like me, felt that on some level, this was a little wrong? There was the age gap…
But, what the hell? Even if we both felt worried about it, we clearly both wanted to at least continue to hang out with each other. And there’s nothing wrong with just eating together.
“Would you like to join me?” I asked.
He perked up, “Yeah! I mean, if you don’t mind the company.”
“No, not at all,” I assured him. “It’ll be nice. I don’t live far, do you want to just follow me home?”
“Sounds perfect.”
We had accidentally ended up parking next to each other. I got in my car, he got in his, and we made our way back to my place.
I called for some pizza on the way back. I got a large half-cheese, half-pepperoni, just to play it safe. I wasn’t sure what he wanted, but I knew the pizza place I liked always took about an hour to arrive, and I didn’t want to have to wait too long.