Arman had been very friendly at lunch, charming and open in a way Romi suspected he rarely was with people outside his personal circle. It had been stimulating to talk to someone with such a sharp mind, someone who understood military concerns and Romi’s ambitions—he could be honest about them in a way he hesitated to be with Karik for fear of upsetting him. The only problem with that honesty was it had only sharpened his desire to get back to work, while at the same time, reminding him how much Karik mattered to Darshian. Arman was the academy’s firmest supporter, and even with Kei apparently retired, he was determined to make the institution a leading light through Periter. It had been a surprise to learn this. Romi had assumed it was Kei’s dream, not his lover’s, but Arman saw it as a matter of personal pride that the academy’s work should be of the finest standard possible. And Karik was an integral part of that.
He said nothing of this to Karik as they bathed and went to bed. No playfulness tonight—Romi was tired, and Karik still subdued after the attack, though he was perfectly calm and relaxed as he lay in Romi’s arms, a sweet and welcome weight. Had any of his lovers fit him so well? Male or female? He couldn’t recall it—the difference surely had to be the love, he thought fondly, kissing Karik’s forehead as he snuggled close.
“Romi, I want to confess something.”
“And what terrible crime could you have committed since this morning, love?”
Karik smiled against his chin, soft lips and prickly beard a curiously delicious sensation. “Never stop calling me that.”
“I won’t. What have you done?”
Karik sighed and rolled away. “You know how Kei was upset?”
“Yes. He seemed better this evening, though.”
“Yes, he was. But earlier...he was saying stuff, like it was all right for Ma to hurt him because she was more important to me than him, which is just ridiculous.” Karik paused, and Romi waited patiently for him to get it out. “You know he thinks of me almost as a son? He said it wasn’t enough he thought he’d killed Ma’s child, but someone who might have been his own—I felt awful. I can’t bear all these people loving me so much that they can’t go on if I die.”
“It’s a burden, certainly. Somehow you need to find the balance between your responsibility to them and to yourself, and not let them stifle you. In the end, they want you to be happy.”
“I guess,” Karik said, sounding anything but.
Romi stroked his arm. “So he said it was all right for your mother to be so angry and...?”
“Anyway, I told him he was the most important person to me after Ma and Pa. And he said ‘what about Romi?’ And I said he was more important than you.” Karik rolled towards him. “I’m sorry. I just meant...he’s family, and you’re something.... Gods, I’m making this worse, aren’t I?”
Romi found his hand and squeezed it. “I think you’re getting worked up over something that doesn’t matter. Of course Kei is more important to you. You’ve known him all your life—he’s your friend, your teacher, and your uncle. I’d think you were shallow if I suddenly replaced him in your affections.”
He felt his lover relax minutely. “I do love you,” Karik said earnestly. “It’s just different from how I love him.”
“I should hope so too. Kei’s a very handsome fellow—I’d be jealous as hells if you felt the same for him.” He didn’t need to light a fire sprite to know his lover was blushing. Karik punched him in the arm. “Ow, you little shit.”
“I don’t feel that way towards him! He’s my uncle, Romi. He’s also twenty years older than me!”
“So? He’s a fine-looking man. They both are. If Kei was unattached and interested, I’d go for it.”
“This is a disgusting conversation,” Karik muttered. “He’s my uncle!”
“He’s not my uncle.” He kissed Karik again. “So this was the horrible sin? All confessed now?”
“You’re making fun of me, you bastard.”
“Mmmm, yes, I do believe I am.”
“I hate you sometimes.”
“Too bad,” Romi said, grinning into the dark, and then pulled Karik into his arms. Gods, he loved the little snot.
~~~~~~~~
Karik planned to spend all day at the academy, where Romi would meet him at sunset to go to his friends’ house for supper. Romi had no reason to go all the way there and back, and since he had letters to write, he decided to stay at the house and do just that. Kei and Pira had gone early to the market, so he had the place to himself. He judged the kitchen the warmest and most pleasant place to work and collect his thoughts, so he set up with a generous supply of paper and ink from his hosts. He didn’t much care for letter writing—it was always hard to convey the emotion and wonder he’d felt at the things he’d seen and experienced in simple words on a page—but it had to be done, and he’d never been one for shirking his duty.
So to begin. First letter was to his parents, of course—that was only brief since he would go home as soon as he could manage it. They would have had the gifts he bought in Visiqe, and his letters, but there was too much to tell them now for a simple note. Any day now, they would get the good news. He felt a little homesick as he wrote to his Ma—it had been so damn long since he’d seen her—all of them really. He wanted to go home again. Karik was talking about maybe going to Ai-Albon and then on to the farm, but then that meant thinking about what happened next and he didn’t want to do that right now.
Next note was to Jou, who would make sure Sibu got his message too. Tiko had had excellent news about Sibu—the surgery Kei had carried out to ease the tightness of the scarring had made her more mobile, and the scarring itself would improve a good deal over time, though nothing could replace the lost breast tissue. Kei had assured her she could continue as a medic if she wanted, but she had decided she would complete her healer training, earning a promotion and a more permanent barracks post. What had really pleased Romi was learning that her lover, upon hearing what had happened, had come immediately to Darshek to be with her, and plans to wed had been formed there and then. Things were turning out far better than Romi had dared hope for her.
He was just writing a short, formal note to his colonel, confirming he’d be absent for another three months, when Kei and Pira returned, bearing fruit, meat and other stores. “Oh, he’s abandoned you? I’ll have to speak to him about the proper way to treat a lover,” Kei said in a mock-reproachful tone. “I thought you’d be down at the barracks today.”
Romi got up to help them put the food away. “No need—I’m on sick leave for at least a month, and I can take my accumulated leave after that. I’ve got nothing to do for three months but get fat and spend my salary.”
Kei smiled. “I dare say my nephew and Arman might find something for you to do. You’re going back to Ai-Vinri at some point?”
“At some point, yes.”
“Kei,” Pira said, interrupting them. “I wanted to take those quilo fruit to Kesa. Do you mind if I go now?”
“No, Ma, you run along. Kesa will give you lunch and I can look after our friend here.” He kissed her cheek. “Give them all my love.”
“Give it to them yourself when you see them. I’ll tell them that’ll be soon.”
Kei smiled in reply, but it seemed rather strained. “Of course. Tell Kesa Karik will call on her soon too.”
Pira left them alone, and between Kei and Romi, the stores were quickly dealt with, and water was put on for tea. “Who’s Kesa?” Romi asked.
“Oh—she and her husband are friends of ours. Prijian couple, such lovely people, and with four of the most polite children I’ve ever encountered. Vikis used to be one of Arman’s soldiers—and Kesa was Karik’s wet-nurse. She was utterly distraught over the news, of course.” He turned to fetch the kettle. “It really is a very strange sensation—we grieved so deeply, that even though Karik came home, it’s like we can’t stop grieving.”
“A bruise perhaps? Just the injury healing? You’d know better than me, of course.”
<
br /> Kei smiled. “Oh, I doubt it. Just because I can sense the emotions doesn’t give me a special insight.”
That, Romi thought, was self-deception on a grand scale, but didn’t say so. Kei made the tea and was happy to sit and talk to him, rather to Romi’s surprise. He seemed perfectly relaxed as he sipped his tea and asked Romi what he was doing, who he was writing to. He smiled at the mention of Sibu. “Such a lovely person. Both your ladies were—Jou reminds me of my sister.” The briefest shadow passed over his face, before he continued. “I was appalled to know how she and Reisa had been injured though. Soza should never have been on that mission. I honestly don’t know why I allowed Jezinke to insist on it.”
“You couldn’t have known he’d be that culpably stupid—I saw him in the field, and I really had no idea he would do that...or the other,” he added, fixing Kei with a firm look. “It was a mistake to include him—but we all contributed.”
“I don’t care. I don’t want to be in the situation again where a decision of mine can get people hurt. Or killed.”
Romi could tell this was eating him alive, but he didn’t know what to say—for Romi, being an officer meant that this level of responsibility, however theoretical, just went with the job, but Kei’s next words showed he understood that anyway. “I suppose you think me naïve. I’m sure Arman does, though he would never say it. When I accepted the Master’s post, I thought it would just be promoting the academy, fostering talent. When Karik and I drew up this expedition, I knew there would be danger, but...I never thought anyone would actually be hurt. If I’d thought that for a minute, I would have stopped it immediately. I just couldn’t handle the result of my own decision, which is very cowardly, don’t you think?”
Romi looked at him, unsure what to say. Civilians were so rarely in this situation, and no, a Master of an academy shouldn’t be in the position of causing someone’s death. But it wasn’t as if all care had not been taken, or that any of them had thought there was no risk—and it wasn’t as if under normal circumstances, that Kei wasn’t more than intelligent enough to realise this. “I have no right to call another man coward after what I did. I came this close to abandoning my people completely, without anyone to take my place. That makes me by far the worst coward in this room.”
Kei cocked his head, then got up and refilled the teapot, pouring out fresh mugs-full for them both. “Tell me?” he asked quietly.
“Did you understand how close I came to dying when that thing bit me?” Kei nodded. “And you understand how...helpless I was? I couldn’t walk from here to that wall without needing to rest.”
“You were lucky to survive, there’s no doubt. But it was hardly your fault.”
“No, but I was sure that if the others tried to drag me along with them, they’d all die, so I decided to make sure they didn’t. I tried to kill myself, right where Kepi and Karik and Taz would have had to deal with my body, their grief, and still try to get to safety afterwards. Now that’s cowardly.”
Kei had gone very still, his eyes closed. Romi wondered if he was sensing his own pain, or Romi’s anguish. He stayed silent, wondering if Kei understood at all why he was telling him this.
“My mother killed herself when my father died of bej fever,” Kei said finally, in a voice so quiet, Romi could barely hear him. “The guilt of not being there to help her over her grief has never left me, and that was over twenty years ago. At times, I got—still get—so angry with her, but mostly I just wish there had been someone there to help, someone to get her over her unbearable sorrow. No one kills themselves if they see any other answer.” He opened his eyes. “Terrible pain makes people do terrible things, makes what should be unthinkable, the only option, the only logical path. Now you see, I’m sure, that it made no sense, but then, it must have seemed the right thing to do, because you strike me as a man who tries always to do the right and honourable thing.”
“I try, certainly. I’m still horrified at being so selfish. As it happens, I was right that I could have led to them all dying, but now I realise they would never have forgiven themselves—or me.”
“Don’t be so hard on yourself.”
Romi scribbled on the paper in front of him, and handed it to Kei, who accepted it with a puzzled look. “Your own words back to you, Master Kei. What you did because you were in pain, you have to forgive. Or none of us can be forgiven. Not me, nor your mother.”
Kei hissed in a breath. “You’re sneaky.”
“It’s my job.” He made himself smile. “One thing I’ve learned about being an officer on this expedition is that a true leader only has the power people grant him willingly. You didn’t make Karik or anyone else go on that expedition, and I know I’d do it again and so would he. It was wonderful, Kei. Just amazing. We saw so much, did so much—even now, I wish I was back in Andon. Even with the pain and the illness, and it being so hard and dangerous.... It was what I became a soldier for. It was what Karik became a collector for. You helped us realise our dreams, don’t you understand? We’re not angry, we’re grateful.”
“But...you nearly died,” Kei whispered. “Karik’s mother.... Romi, I took her son—”
Romi held up his hand. “You took no one. Each of us was a volunteer, each of us eager and willing and ready. Karik makes his own choices—I found that out over and over,” he said ruefully. “The man he is, the man I am—we need to do these things to live our dreams. Risk is just part of that. How can you blame yourself for letting people do exactly what they want to do? It makes no sense.”
The healer’s kind eyes showed his anguish, his fine features contorted with pain. “I just can’t. I can’t face it.”
“No, I know. Not now, not so soon. But you will,” he said, using his sternest tone, though part of him marvelled at his own audacity at speaking to such a senior person in this way. “You know, Karik said something to me when I was still so depressed and anxious. He told me ‘if you still feel lousy in two months’ time, then you can whine, but not now’.”
“He said that? I need to work on his bedside manner,” Kei said, and this time, he really smiled.
Romi grinned back. “Well, yes. But he’s right. If you still feel bad in two months’ time, I’ll be worried. I’m not worried now, because your heart will heal, same as mine. Karik’s worried. I’m not. I know a sound man when I see one, and you’re sound as they come.”
Kei frowned. “You don’t know me at all. How can you say this to me?”
“It’s my job. Well, sort of. They tell me by the time I make colonel, I’ll have nothing left to learn about human nature.”
Laughter burst from Kei. “Oh, I have to tell Arman that—the amount of moaning I get from him about...oh, I better not say,” he said, covering his mouth, his eyes still bright with hilarity. Romi could guess which colonel—or former colonel—he might have been about to mention. “Thank you. Arman tries to understand, but he’s so brave, he would never run away from anything—he doesn’t know what it’s like for lesser mortals.”
Romi thought about the conversation he’d had with Arman the day before, and rather thought Kei had underestimated his lover’s sensitivity. “You’re welcome. I’ll stop Karik from pushing you, so long as you do what you can to move past this. I’ll make sure you have time. I know Arman will wait.”
“He will. You have no idea how patient he can be.” Kei shook his head and smiled. As he sipped his tea, Romi fancied there was a little more peace behind those sad eyes and hoped this was truly so.
But then Kei looked at the sun streaming through the window. “Blessed gods, it’s nearly noon! I’ve so much to do—if you’re bored, you could help.”
“I’d be glad to. I’m already sick of leisure.”
Kei smiled. “You and Arman—hopeless. Well, come on.”
Staying Power: 48
It proved to be a pleasant and full day, as Romi helped Kei with minor chores, and talked to him about the expedition, Karik, Kei’s work, and Romi’s own. Kei liked to talk, and Romi n
ever minded listening if there was something worth hearing, which there was. The intelligence of his host astonished him—the man should be a Ruler, though it was equally obvious how badly such a role would suit Kei. Their conversation roamed widely across continents, people and histories—Kei was well informed and interested, and Romi felt that he genuinely listened when Romi spoke. It was something Karik did as well, and it was odd how two men without the least biological connection, could share so many traits. No wonder Karik idolised his uncle—unlike Soza, Kei was a mentor worthy of respect and love.
But there were differences too. Where Karik’s humour, like that of his other uncle, tended to the sardonic, Kei was more silly and teasing. Romi didn’t mind being teased, when it was with such good humour and gentleness. It was impossible to dislike Kei, and a day in his company was like a rest cure.
Romi’s health was naturally something they talked about. Kei regretted that the sea was still too cold for swimming as it was an excellent way of regaining fitness. He advocated long gentle walks, some short and well-planned intensive exercise, and riding, later. “If you’re going back to the village with Reji, that will be good for you, but it might be well to only do it for half the day. You and Karik both need to take it easy for a while.”
“Do you go home much? To Ai-Albon, I mean.”
It was the only time that afternoon Kei’s sadness showed its face again. “I go every year. At least I used to. I don’t know what will happen now—it’s their home, not mine. I can’t force myself on people who hate me.”
Romi touched his arm. “Give them time too. She’ll come round.”
Kei only gave him a tight smile. “You don’t know Jena. She’s a very determined woman.”
“She also loves you and loves Karik. Unless she’s wilfully trying to hurt you both, I think she’ll see she’s wrong.”
Staying Power (Darshian Tales #3) Page 59