But Arman wouldn’t let him go. “Stop it. Calm down, damn it!” At his angry command, Kei covered his face and turned away. “I’m sorry I yelled. Shhh, calm down,” he said in a far more gentle voice, rubbing Kei’s back. “I thought you were happy about the baby.”
“I am. But...it’s all....” He just buried his face in Arman’s shoulder, his body shaking, racked by grief. All Arman could do was hold on, and wonder how he could possibly console his lover for pain that had no answer, losses he could never restore.
A movement across the water made him look up. Reji. Damn it. He was sure Kei wouldn’t want his friend to see him like this, but he couldn’t easily signal to the man before Reji got so close that the gesture was pointless. “Arman? Kei? What’s going on?” He came over, frowning. Kei went still, face still hidden—Arman could feel him trying to get himself under control. “Keichichi? Jena told me about you guessing about Myka...oh.”
“Oh?” Arman asked. “Kei, please—just talk to me. Reji, maybe you should leave us....”
But Reji shook his head. “It’s all right, Arman. I know what this is. Kei, come on, look at me.”
“Go away, Reji, I’m just being an idiot again.”
“No, you’re not. Damn it, you don’t think I never felt like this? You don’t think every time one of my friends announced they were having a baby, I didn’t go off and kick something hard?”
Kei lifted his head and sniffled. “But now you’re a father after all.”
“Yes,” Reji said bluntly. “And that just makes it worse for you. I’m sorry.”
“But I should be happy! It’s my own sister, damn it! And I am happy!”
“Yes. And jealous as hells too. I know what it’s like. I felt just the same when my sister had her son. But it passes too, you know. Because being an uncle is pretty good too, and you don’t have to change the nappies.”
Kei made a choked little laugh. “I don’t mind nappies.”
“You would if you’d seen what Karik produces when he’s teething. Keichichi, being an uncle is almost as important as being a father, you know. There’ll be times when Karik is going to need you—”
“Karik?” Kei said, startled, and even Arman was surprised.
“Well, yes. You’re my little brother so that makes you his uncle. Unless you don’t want to be?” Reji asked, looking suspiciously innocent.
“Uncle? You mean...already?” Kei sniffled again but his eyes were not longer sad but rather puzzled—and a little hopeful. Arman passed him a handkerchief, and sent his silent gratitude to Kei’s clever friend for the inspiration.
“Yes, of course. Jena and I were going to ask you to agree to be official guardian, you know, just in case. Fedor already knows that’s what we want.”
“But...what if I go to Darshek again?”
Reji didn’t even pretend he didn’t know what Kei was talking about, Arman noted. “What difference does it make? My Ma is still his grandma, though she lives in Ai-Darbin. Myka’s his aunt, you’re his uncle. My boy’s going to have a big family, just like you will. You’ll have nieces and nephews, and brothers and cousins, people claiming you in every direction. You were the one who taught me family didn’t have to be blood. Arman, what do you think?”
Arman cleared his throat. “I think any child with Kei as an uncle would be very fortunate, Reji. The most important person in my life growing up wasn’t my father, but my teacher. Uncles, teachers, friends, all make an important contribution. Though it’s a disappointment not to have children of one’s own blood, it’s not a tragedy. Karus had none, and yet his legacy lives on and will do as long as any of his students survive and pass on his teaching.”
“I just thought...I was feeling cut off,” Kei murmured. “And being a fool,” he added with a rueful smile. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately. I get upset so easily.”
Reji tapped his own temple. “Forgetting something, were we, my soul-touching friend? Been doing your control exercises lately?”
“Oh...er...well, there’s been a lot to do.”
“Kei.”
“Yes, tell him off, Reji. Kei, you know what Master Bikel told you,” Arman said sternly, though he squeezed Kei’s shoulders with the arm he still had protectively around him. “And this has been an emotional day, an emotional time for you. You have to take care of yourself. I need you.”
“We all need you,” Reji said. “Me, Jena, Myka, Banji, Mis—Karik. So you can’t afford to forget to keep your gift under control. You’ve got family to think about, you know.”
“Yes, Reji,” Kei said meekly, wiping his eyes again. “Gods, I feel like an idiot.”
“No, you’re not. I take it that you still don’t know whether you’re going back to Darshek?”
“No. I can’t make up my mind.”
Reji glanced at Arman. “I know it’s hard. But whatever you decide, Jena and I will be right there to support you, I promise. Now, you two—I was looking for you because I’ve got a couple of beasts I want to exercise and train to the saddle. Feeling like a challenge?”
“I do,” Arman said. “Kei?”
“Sounds perfect.” Reji held out his hand to the pair of them and pulled them up easily—Arman was always slightly surprised at Reji’s deceptive strength. “You really felt like this? You never showed it.”
“I really did. I’d be surprised if there’s a gifted anywhere in Periter who doesn’t, Kei. It’s why the normals really don’t get it.”
“We try,” Arman said. “But I made a choice to be childless. It makes a difference.”
“Yes, it does,” Kei said bleakly, but then he made an effort to cheer up. “Well, come on. I want to see what a mess you’ve made of training those animals, Rei-ki,” then he dodged the cuff Reji aimed at his insolent head. He bolted away, and Reji set off in hot pursuit, threatening retribution.
Arman let them have their fun, and their time together. But he couldn’t help but worry if Kei would really be able to reach some kind of peace within himself over all this. He would have to spend some time having a serious talk to Jena and Reji about what it was like to be gifted. After all, winning a battle demanded a general knew the field of combat, and the nature of the fight he had to face.
~~~~~~~~
Kei took the lesson of his minor emotional collapse to heart, and spent much of the day before the feast off on his own, reinforcing his control, and practicing the exercises he’d been taught. It still hurt—Reji said it always would, a little. But Reji also said he would find compensations for his pain, and Kei was already discovering the truth of that. Even looking at Karik with the dignity of his new title, gave him a burst of pleasure he hadn’t expected at all. He was already very fond of the baby—but now the boy was his nephew.... Reji had been serious too, and so was Jena—all three of them had had a meeting with Fedor about it, and though no announcement would be made, his position as fall back parent was now set. Not that Kei ever wanted to have to assume that position, but the trust placed in him still eased the ache a little.
And looking forward to his sister being a mother was also a joy. She would be a wonderful parent, both of them would be, and though he would never cease to regret his Ma and Pa would not see it, it pleased him deeply their gifts would be passed down to Myka’s children. Just the happiness radiating from Myka was enough to cheer him, after he got over his own selfish tantrum. He felt ashamed Arman had seen that, and that Reji had. But neither of them had judged him, or told him he was being foolish, and though he judged himself a fool, they accepted his right to his temporary idiocy.
Now, calmer, in control, and genuinely happy to be with his friends and family—all his family—as they joined in the solemn remembrance of departed loved ones, and the joyful celebration of the clan, united by bonds of love and memory, he felt himself to be truly fortunate. It was too easy to think of what he could not have, and yet, as he watched Arman having an animated argument with Rin about something or other, with Misek listening, a sli
ght smile on his scarred features, as he sipped Myka’s beer and ate Meis’s cakes, and as people surrounded Myka and Banji to congratulate them, he knew he had more than many people. He had a home, he was loved, and he was wanted. That would not change, wherever he lived.
He deliberately extended his gift that night, immersing himself in the happiness, the friendship, the shadows here and there of those with recent grief for whom this night was still a little raw. He let himself savour the innocent enjoyment of the children, even the well-fed contentment of little Karik, dozing placidly in Reji’s arms. He felt Fedor’s joy at Myka’s news, Rin and Meis contemplating their first grandchild, Misek wondering if he too would ever marry and be a father. He walked through the crowd, being greeted and claimed as one of their own, being fed by their emotions and giving back in turn, telling them in his heart that he missed them, that he loved them, that he would always serve them.
Arman found him eventually, coming to kiss him on the cheek, then looking at him carefully. “Are you all right?”
“Yes, I am. Arman, can we go back to the house? I want to talk to you alone.”
“Of course. I think people are finishing up anyway.”
Actually, it would probably go on for an hour or two, but Kei had spoken to everyone and greeted people properly, and if he stayed, he would only drink rather too much of Myka’s good ale. He took Arman’s hand and led him through the throng back to the house. The door closing behind them cut down the sound of the festivities—the relative silence made his ears ring a bit. The clan could be so noisy when it was happy. “Go and wash up,” he told Arman. “We can talk in bed.”
There had been no time for a bath that night, with everything that needed to be done, but they were both clean, and for once, Kei was happy to forgo the luxury of a bath just so he could spend more time cuddling with Arman. Besides, it was always possible Myka and Banji might come back with friends and interrupt them, and Arman wasn’t that sanguine about being seen bare-arsed by the villagers.
It was Arman’s right and pleasure, so he always insisted, to be the one to undress Kei wherever possible, and since Kei never objected to Arman having his hands on him, he let his lover have his way. It was equally Kei’s right and pleasure to watch his man undress—such a beautiful backside, he thought, sighing. And those legs....
“You know, maybe I should have kept you dressed until after we’d talked,” he said, grinning as Arman came to sit by him on the bed. “Because now I can only think of one thing.”
“As it should be,” Arman said with a smirk, bearing him down flat and kissing him thoroughly with lips that tasted deliciously of gren nuts and beer. He brought his hand up and toyed gently with one of Kei’s nipples, which sent Kei quietly wild with delight. “So what did you want to talk about?”
“S...stop doing that if you want to know! Oh...Arman, stop it,” he said, brushing the teasing hand away, and clasping it firmly before it could distract him again. “I’ve made my decision.”
“Here? Tonight? Are you sure?” Arman asked, golden brows frowning.
“Yes. I want to go back to Darshek—so long as you really do want to work for Lord Meki. Only...now I’m not sure. Damn it—it was all clear in my head a minute ago!”
Arman rolled back then sat up against the headboard, tugging Kei up to rest against him. “Tell me why you decided to go, and then what’s made you uncertain again.”
“Well...I realised, seeing everyone tonight...I could leave them, and they would be safe. I don’t have to feel I’m abandoning Myka, because there’s Jena. Reji has her too, and Karik, and Mis. Fedor has plenty of people to make sure he’s looked after. I won’t be deserting them.”
“But what about you? And missing them?”
“I can always talk to them through Neka and Jena, and Reji said he and Jena would be coming up to Darshek from time to time. But then I remembered that I’d promised Myka I’d be here to deliver her baby, and I started thinking about the night of the ancestors and it suddenly didn’t sound like such a good idea anymore.”
Arman grunted, and held him closer, but didn’t say anything.
“Arman?”
“Thinking. Hush.”
“Oh.” Kei shut up, and contented himself with playing with the springy golden hairs on Arman’s broad chest. He made himself go no lower, because once he did that they really wouldn’t be able to concentrate.
“Right,” Arman said finally. “Here’s my idea. I won’t accept Lord Meki’s offer—”
“Arman?”
“Hush. I won’t accept the offer of a paid position. Instead, I’ll ask him to provide us with a proper house and garden, not just an apartment in the academy. That way you won’t feel so deprived at losing this,” he said, indicating the room and the house around it, “and when Reji comes up, he can stay with us—so can your other friends and family. How does that sound?”
“That’s genius,” Kei said, staring at his lover with frank admiration. “But will Lord Meki agree? And can we live on my salary? It won’t be very much.”
“He said ‘all found’ so they’ll have to supply the necessities, or pay you more to cover them. And we hardly live in high style. I’d be happier not being paid. I feel it’s wrong to be rewarded, considering my crimes.” Kei just sighed—Arman was so stubborn. “But as a second condition, I will insist on being allowed to return to Ai-Albon every year with you for the night of the ancestors. If he wants me badly enough, then maybe that’ll give him an incentive to fund the upgrading of that road to speed the journey times.”
“You’re always plotting,” Kei said, astonished that Arman had come up with all this in five minutes of thought. “And Myka? Do you think they’ll let me come back for her? I promised I’d be there.”
“I can’t see any good reason why not. They want you, and people do have obligations to families. You can make it a condition of taking up the job and if they don’t accept, we just stay here. But they’ll accept, you watch. Master Bikel pinned me down just before we left and bent my ear about you coming back to them.”
“You never said,” Kei said reproachfully.
“I didn’t think it was fair to,” Arman said. “So, with all that—what’s your decision?”
“To go. But Myka will kill me.”
“She’ll cope,” Arman said, kissing Kei’s forehead. “You forget—they want the best for you. If this is something that will be good for you and good for the country, they’ll accept it. Fedor has to agree, though.”
“I think he will. The village can cope, and he’ll have the new baby to distract him.”
Arman tilted Kei’s head up and looked deep into his eyes. “Myka’s child is not a replacement for you, not in anyone’s heart. Fedor wants you to fulfil your destiny wherever it lies. As do I, as does everyone who loves you. So...are we done?”
“Yes. Why? Got plans?”
“Hmmm, I might do,” he said, snaking his hand down between them, and putting his hand on Kei’s cock. “Feels like you might do too.”
“Oh, I don’t know,” Kei said, grinning as he rolled onto his back. “I’m terribly tired. All that beer and thinking, you know.”
Arman gave his cock a quick stroke, making him gasp a little. “I can imagine thinking would wear you out,” he said with a straight face. “I can think of much better uses for that organ,” he added as Kei stuck his tongue out at his rudeness.
“Are you going to talk all night, general? Because I could go back to the party—I’m sure there were a few gren nut cakes left.”
Arman pinned him in place with his hands firmly on Kei’s hips. “Sorry—I’ve got another delicacy in mind, and you’re already on my plate.”
Kei laughed, and then gasped as Arman took him in. No more talking, he thought, losing himself in mindless pleasure. The decision was made—they just had to live with it now.
And somehow he knew, though there would always be regrets, the man now mercilessly licking and stroking him into ecstasy, would more than m
ake up for them. All Kei had to do, he thought a little smugly, was lie back and let him do it.
~~~~~
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Staying Power (Darshian Tales #3) Page 68