Devil You Know

by Max Henry

  “Do you hear yourself?” he asks. “Can you hear how confident you’re being right now?”

  I freeze, staring at him while the thought processes. “I guess you’re right.”

  “Here you are, telling me how it is, all full of attitude—it’s fucking hot by the way, you know that?”

  “Hot?” I cock an eyebrow, and contemplate how sane he is.

  “I told you you’re beautiful, and I meant it when I said I wanted you to see it.” He frowns, and crosses his arms.

  I should be thinking about what he said, but instead I’m taking in how the position of his arms accentuates his strong chest. My fingers itch to reach out, and see if that swell below his collar bone is as hard a it looks.

  “Jane?”

  “Huh?”

  “I asked if you were ready to go home?”

  “It’s not my home, Malice,” I say, staring at the ground. Back to this old chestnut.

  “You called it home before.”

  “Did I?”

  He nods. “Besides, it’s more of a fucking home than anywhere else you’ll go.”

  I lift my gaze, and frown at him. Is he trying to insinuate that I won’t be happy if I move out? Haven’t you all ready thought that?

  “That didn’t sound right,” he murmurs.

  “Damn straight it didn’t. What the hell were you trying to say?”

  “That I want you to stay with me.”

  I cross my arms, and firm my position. “Is that not what I’ve been doing?”

  He looks to the pick-up, to Rocco, and the traffic before he can hold my gaze. “I meant as in, stay for good. I need you around to help me deal with this mess I’ve got myself in . . . if I’m going to do it.”

  Well, isn’t that an interesting proposition? “You do realize that you’ll have to explain this ‘mess’ to me for me to help you?” I say, and start for the pick-up.

  “Well aware, Jane,” he calls as I get in.

  He drops into the seat beside me, and starts the engine.

  “I’ll stick around for a while, but on one condition.”

  He glances across as we pull onto the road. “What’s that?”

  “If you want me to help you, you have to tell me everything. No leaving details out, no shutting down when it gets too hard. You need to be honest.”

  “I’ll try,” he says.

  “You’ve got to want the help for the effort to be worthwhile.” Isn’t that the exact thing I’ve learnt these past weeks?

  “I know.”

  We travel in silence for a while, before I decide to voice what’s been on my mind. “Why me?”

  “Why not?”

  “I don’t get what I can offer to help you. I mean, look at me: I’m a blithering mess when I leave the counselor. I’ve got enough issues to last me years of appointments at that place. What makes you think I’m equipped to help you out?”

  He sighs, and runs his hands around the steering wheel. “Sometimes the people who understand the best are those who’ve been there themselves.”

  “Been where, Malice?”

  “Complete desolation. Rock bottom. The place where you can’t see the light to know the way back out of the hole you’re in.” He stares ahead, stoic, and defiant. Even now, he refuses to show an ounce of what the thoughts in his head are doing to him.

  “What happened to you?” I whisper.

  “Nothing I can change.”

  I LET Jane into the house first, and head for the kitchen while she lets Rocco out to the back yard. Under the pretense of having a drink of water, I stand at the counter and watch her as she gives him a pat on the head, and turns for the door. My throat becomes thick, and despite all the water I gulp down, I still feel dry.

  So many people have tried to tap into the mess that is my past and give me their back-room psycho-analysis of what it all means, and how it impacts the way I am now. But she’s the first person I’ve truly felt might be able to help unravel the knots I’m in. Problem is, I’m still shit-scared to tell her.

  Her gaze lifts to find me, and I drop my eyes before we connect. The woman turns all the wrong dials, at all the right times. How the hell does she not see this between us? How the hell can she act so indifferent?

  “How do you want to start?” she asks, walking into the room behind me.

  “Start what?”

  “Come on, Malice. Do I have to spell it out?”

  I know what she’s asking of me; I’m being an asshole about it. Force of habit. “You promise you’ll stay?”

  “For the umpteenth time, yes, I promise.” She appears at my side, and leans her head on my shoulder. “I would have left a long time ago if I didn’t trust you.”

  Fuck. She trusts me.

  Her intent is to put me at ease, but telling me she trusts me has driven me further into myself. She’s too good for me, too promising—I can’t ruin this.

  “What do you see in me?” My throat sticks when I try to swallow.

  “Loyalty, a big heart, and loneliness.”

  And a lifetime of mistakes that can’t be undone.

  “What do you see in me?” She catches me off-guard by turning the question around.

  I look down at her as she stares out the back window at Rocco. “Love that has never been put to use. Strength, and compassion.”

  Jane ducks her head to hide her glassy eyes, but I saw it. I know. My hand finds her chin, and I coax her face up to me. “Don’t hide your emotions, Jane. They’re a part of who you are, and if people can’t handle that then fuck them. They don’t deserve you in their life if they’re going to be that insensitive.”

  She smiles, and renders me hopeless. “Again, Malice. You need to take your own advice.”

  I chuckle, and kiss her on the forehead. She can tell me how it is every day, and I’ll never tire of it. Anybody else, and I would have walked out of the room. Anybody else, and I would have shot them down.

  But not Jane.

  “Can I ask you something?” she says.

  “Anything.”

  “Why is it you can sleep with me, but you can’t talk to me? I would have thought being comfortable with one would have gone with the other.”

  Ground, swallow me now.

  She’s making a regular Johnny-on-the-spot of me today. “I worry that if you get too close to me you’ll leave, and never look back. I’m kind of worried about what you’ll say when you get past the top layer—see the real me.” My heart hammers in my chest, but I push through the anxiety and get the words out anyway. “You mean so much to me, Jane, that if you left, I fear it’d be the thing that finally ruins me.”

  She twitches a smile, and strokes her gentle fingers along my jaw. “How do you think I felt the first time you saw me? Don’t you think I was ashamed that you’d seen me at my worst?”

  “I don’t want to think about that night again.” I bring my hands to my face, and try to scrub the memory away.

  She startles me by placing her arms around my waist, and coaxing me to face her. “I appreciate the fact it hurts you to think about it, Malice. But please, when you think about me, don’t think of that scared woman; think of me as who I am now.” She shrugs. “I want you to give me a chance to return the favor.”

  My gaze fixes to a point over her head while I fight the urge to push her away, shut her out, and avoid crossing this fine line we’re dancing on. She’s a temptress, coaxing me over to her side of the argument, while I’m determined that my way has worked for this long, and it can’t be faulted. I need this change. I need to let her in.

  “Tell me what you’re thinking,” she urges.

  “I’m thinking . . .” I swallow—hard. “I’m thinking about how badly I’ve wanted to show you the world, and make you my girl since I took you away from that fucking house. I’m thinking about how perfect it would be to wake up next to you every day, and know you’ll always be there. But I’m also thinking I can’t bear to see another second of pain cross your face—especially if I’ve put it
there. I’m thinking that if I tell you everything, and I mean everything, all I’ll see is pain. I’m certain, Jane, that you’ll never see me the same way, and I can’t bear to lose the way you look at me now.”

  Her forehead thumps into my chest, and she sighs. “You’re so damn frustrating, you know that?”

  I chuckle.

  “For the love of God, Malice, take the fucking leap, and trust.” She pulls back, and looks deep into my eyes. It hurts. “If I go, it was never meant to be. If I stay, then you have your answer.”

  “What is it that you want?” I ask, tracing the shell of her ear with a finger.

  “To be relaxed, and happy,” she answers. “To live a life without the misery I grew accustomed to, and believe it or not, you give me that. So I guess you could say, I want you.”

  “Why do I deserve you?” I murmur.

  “I ask myself the same thing.”

  “I’ve never been this open with anyone, ever,” I confess.

  She smiles, and rubs her hands over my chest and shoulders. “I’ve never wanted to be with someone like I do with you.”

  The locks on my heart disengage, and this tiny woman before me crashes through my barriers with the strength of a fucking hydraulic ram. My resolve shatters, and I can’t hide from her any more. I can’t keep her away from the side of me that wants to love and cherish her until we’re old and gray.

  Before I register how we got there, she’s in my arms, her legs wrapped around my waist, and I’m heading for my room. Her mouth is warm, and fucking divine to taste. She groans as I break our kiss, and place her on the bed. I stare at her, sitting there, so fucking perfect. Made for me. What would life have been like if I’d met her ten years ago? Would I have known what I had back then, or would I have wasted her, and missed out on this?

  Her eyes are dark, and begging for more. “Fuck, Jane. I need you to understand something before we do this again.”

  “Is it that important that you have to tell me now?” she asks, and bites her lip to hide her smile.

  I shake my head at her. “I need you to understand that once I give you all of me, I’m going to expect the same in return. No more hiding. No more lies.”

  “I’ve never lied to you.” She frowns.

  “Not directly, but you’ve avoided the truth. Jane, I want it all; the pretty stuff, and the ugly.”

  She closes her eyes, and sighs in exasperation. “Sure, Malice. Can we do this before you kill the mood?”

  I laugh, and move towards her. Our lips connect, and I push into the kiss to urge her to lie back. She relents, and her hands find my chest as she splays out beneath me. Her touch is soft, yet definite. There’s an assuredness to her actions; most of the time she holds back, but when she lets go it’s with complete confidence in her decisions.

  I love that about her.

  I brace myself over her, and stroke the hair from her eyes. She sighs, and rolls her face to my palm, dotting gentle kisses across to my wrist. The adoration in her response has my heart full of hope. Could this be the start of us? Will we make it work, no matter what? My fears still hang beneath the surface—fears that Jane might only want me for a temporary relief. Is she simply finding her feet again with someone she knows won’t hurt her?

  I’d like to think I won’t hurt her, but my conscience tells me otherwise. A guy like me is destined to hurt a girl like her.

  If she doesn’t tear me apart first.

  My forehead drops to hers, and I kiss the tip of her nose. “Babe, I promise to tell you everything you want to know. It won’t come easy, and you’ll have to coax it out of me, but fuck knows, you deserve to have the truth.”

  Her hands slip around the back of my neck, and I relish the feeling of her fingers through my hair. “Later.”

  Our lips connect, and I close my eyes to the taste of her. It pains me, deep inside, knowing this could be the last she’ll ever let me have of her if things go sour after we talk.

  I’m not ready to give her up yet.

  I just need to figure out how to keep her while being honest.

  MALICE KISSES his way down my body, worshipping every inch of me that he passes. I stare up at the ceiling, his words running through my head. He wants to give me all of him. Is that his way of confirming we are together? Is this the start of us as a couple? The thought both thrills me and fills me with panic. What if he’s wrong? What if having all of me is too much, too depressing, and he changes his mind?

  My thoughts still as he places his face between my legs, and brings me to the brink of orgasm with a keen tongue. The things he does, the way he treats me, the care he takes, and the time he spends ensuring I’m happy makes me hopeful that he feels like I do.

  Is he falling for me as fast as I’m falling for him?

  I moan as his caress takes me over the edge, and my fingers grip in his hair. He nips and licks at me until I fall apart, screaming out his praises. He crawls over me, a grin on his face, and I wonder again how attached he is. He does this with passion, not with need.

  He feels what I do.

  I know he does.

  “God, you look so amazing when you come,” he says, and leans down for a kiss.

  I taste myself on him, and the reminder that he was doing that to me has me tingling all over. I want to see if he looks as amazing. His eyes widen as I place my hands on his chest, and push him to the side to lie on his back.

  “Don’t move,” I order. “And don’t you dare stop watching.”

  “You don’t need to tell me twice,” he says, grinning ear-to-ear.

  Malice folds his arms behind his head, and I hesitate as the definition of his abs is revealed by the movement. Sure, I know the guy has an amazing body, but when he pulls a move like that?

  Click. One for the memory bank.

  He continues to grin as I take his cock in my hand, and glide my palm over the length of his shaft. “Babe, this is definitely going to be my favorite show from now on.”

  I smile, and wet my lips. A slight drop of his jaw replaces his grin as he holds on in anticipation. I lower my head toward him, knowing he thinks I’ll take him in my mouth, and at the last moment veer off course to lay kisses on his tight balls. He hisses, and his eyelids drop. Using the lapse of concentration to my advantage, I wet my lips again, and place him in my mouth, sinking right down until he hits the back of my throat.

  “God, woman,” he moans. His hands fist the bed sheets, and I smile around him.

  I have never, and I mean never, enjoyed giving head until now.

  It may soon become my favorite thing to do.

  My pace continues at the right speed to build him up, push him to the edge, but leave him cursing me for more. He inches his hips up with each drop of my mouth, and I cup his balls in my hand and give them a squeeze.

  His eyes snap open, and the dark lust that I see throws me off. I’m not used to it, not used to seeing somebody want me. He frowns, and I realize I’ve stilled, my mouth hovering over his pulsing erection.

  “Babe, you okay?”

  “Fine,” I say with a smile that doesn’t reach my eyes. “But I think I’m ready to try and break this bed if you are.”

  He growls, and in one swift move has me on my back again. “Challenge accepted.” Malice’s mouth finds mine, and we battle for breath as our kiss consumes the moment.

  Hands roam, hips lift, and our hearts race. All sense of conscious thought leaves me and my body takes over, running on a primal desire I haven’t tapped into for a long time. Last time with Malice was amazing, don’t get me wrong, but each of the times we’ve been together a little more of our subconscious efforts at keeping our walls up has crumbled. Every time I’m with him I feel as though I inch closer to seeing the boy hiding in the dark chambers of his heart.

  Malice thrusts deep, and I cry out, free to show him how much I enjoy this—how badly I want to be over him, under him, all day, every day. A delicious rumbling hum comes from his chest as he finds his perfect pace. True to his promi
se, the bed rocks beneath us, and the joins complain with the force of his movements.

  I take it all; take the power and aggression he pushes into me. Eyes open, I watch him as he screws his tight. He grits his teeth, and it dawns on me that this is more than a sexual release for him. Despite everything he does to me being done out of passion, there’s an element of anger to the way he slams into me. He’s channeling the hate from one part of his mind into the task at hand.

  I can’t complain. Not when it feels this good.

  “You can fuck me harder than that,” I bite out, spurring him on.

  I want to see him lose control.

  I want to see him give me everything.

  He roars through a clenched jaw, and drives into me so hard that the bed literally shifts, the headboard smacking into the wall with resounding thuds. I’m certain I’ll regret this when I try to walk later, but fuck me, right now it’s heaven.

  Who would have known I like it this hard? My confidence is spurred on by his attention to me; to what I need. I can’t say a man has ever done that; cared about what makes me happy, what gets me off. The territory is so new to me that I may as well be a damn virgin.

  “God, yes, Malice. God, yes,” I moan underneath him as his movements loose their fluidity. He’s close. Real close.

  I reach down, and place my first two fingers either side of his cock as he shunts short, and hard. He hisses when I squeeze my fingers together. Damn, the man feels divine slipping in, and out of me.

  “Jesus, Jane.”

  I lean up, and take his mouth with mine as he slips over the brink, spiraling undone with a shudder of his hips. He groans into my kiss, and I follow him soon after, the vibrations from his voice tickling me inside and out.

  Malice pulls back, and looks me over. The heat of the moment passed, I shy, and turn my face away.

  “Jane, don’t shut me out. Christ, woman. We’ve just had fucking amazing sex, and you’re turning away.”