Fangs Rule

by Amy Mah

  So vampires from her time have wonderful examples of Undergrowth …er…..Personal Rainforest, and like the head hair of the undead it instantly grows back if cut.

  I have noticed that with some of the more fashionable maids they turn their rainforest into a pony tail and the more adventurous ones attach coloured beads or little bells……….you may ask how I know this ……..well they all like wearing very short shirts and ………..well one can't help but notice ………...especially when the beads are in day glow orange and green, and as to the little bells well they give a completely different meaning to the words having a tinkle.

  FANGBOOK and FANGPAGERS

  My best friend Ice has shown me the pictures people have tagged me in, and yes the ones covered in blood are of me. I have a whole section on Fangbook about me but only part of it is true and everyone exaggerates my part in the massacre.

  I do not have a connection to the Nest internet (or Nest-Net as it is known) as my Aunt is a little old fashioned over who I am allowed to talk with. She worries that it is the human internet and that I will meet up with strange old men, kill and eat them, and so spoiling my appetite for dinner.

  FANGS: First the difference between types of fangs.

  Turnling fangs are the cute Hollywood sort that could with ease be sunk into a neck to allow a large flow of blood to satisfy the needs

  Fangs show your status, so if you have a mouth that makes you look that you are descended from piranha fish, you are at the top of the biting list.Males with small fangs get laughed at and pointed out in the street. It is always kind to tell them size does not matter but to have sex with them is out of the question as people will think you are perverted or a lesbian, and your parents will probably beat you. Try not to even get too friendly with these poor unfortunates as they will vanish one day as someone culls them to protect the gene pool before they can breed.

  q

  We call this the HOLLYWOOD

  Male turnlings have these as do our undead maids

  We call this the Rabbit

  The front two teeth as fangs!

  Er, perhaps can be also found on a vampire rabbit!

  We call this the super gripper as the top fangs match the bottom ones

  The bottom set are more like what we full bloods have,

  when we bite, you know you have been bitten.

  FANGS: Cleaning of the Fangs

  It is very important and as my Aunt always says "no-one wants to be bitten by someone with dirty fangs".

  Be very careful when cleaning as we often forget how sharp they are. I know I get some strange holes in my lips that makes me think I should buy some lip rings and pretend I did it on purpose.

  To get them to fully extend, lift your head back and yawn. Then hold that position as you first floss and then brush. After the brushing comes the polishing. Nowadays you can get rechargeable polishers that are used for cleaning jewellery; this is perfect for giving you a nice sharp clean bite.

  FASHION

  Males have it easy, hand made shirts and trousers have been in fashion with Male Vampires for, like, forever.

  The fashion industry is really unhelpful to Female Vampires as it changes too fast to keep up with, and after the first 100 years fashion shopping gets to be boring.

  So, the general rule is:-

  1 Go for black, go for tight.

  2 If it looks fantastic on you but isn't in fashion, then people will think you are ahead of the trend or going retro.

  3 A number of little black dresses (with different hem lengths due to fashion changes) will be a good idea to have in the wardrobe.

  4 Expensive classic clothes last longer, a very expensive ball gown can last almost a century if you protect it from the moths.

  5 Jeans may not be the most traditionally Vampiric of things to wear, but they do them in black. If you find that perfect style that's shows off your posterior (in a nice sexy way) and feels like a second skin buy 50 pairs - no matter the changes in fashion, a good comfy pair of jeans is something to kill for (and in our world that can be arranged if someone else has got to them first!).

  6 Shoes are a problem... how can a girl wear decent shoes when her toes have claws that can punch a hole in concrete let alone leather? Why is it that the only thing left to wear are the type of open toed footwear used in the Naruto books and films!? Practical, yes. Cool looking? No.

  7 Warm clothing is important. Forget the movies and the excess showing of skin, if it's cold then wear something warm. No-one has ever said you can't wear a black woolly hat, gloves, and a scarf on winter nights when out hunting.

  8 Black always looks good, and hopefully you don't have an Aunt that likes to add little pink bats to all your clothes to make you look like the Addams Family meets the Tooth Fairy.....

  FASHION: A Female Vampire has to take her clothes off sometime

  And sometime the question is how! All girls know that when buying a bra it should come with free yoga classes!

  My Aunt giving me (yet) another bat jumper

  Heck first it is the struggle to do them up and then struggle to then get them comfy ……….. all controls being placed at the back …out of sight and sometimes out of reach!

  If it was just that then I wouldn't moan so much …………. But what about zips !!!!

  You name the hardest parts of your body to reach and some smart arse designed will place a zip there! Look I am a vampire not a monkey! 18 inches of zip running down your back takes two hands, a flexible spine and a great deal of imagination to find let alone undo.

  Males only ever have one zip to deal with…………. Placed near where there hands go to scratch and …. So easy to remember, if they still can't find them they can look in a mirror! ……………… all other zips fitted in Males clothes are just for decoration as no Male will ever use them.

  Zips on female trousers can be anywhere, side or even at the back! Ok so you get nice a smooth look at the front but it forces you to sit on a lump of metal at the back.

  Just don't get me started on sizes or changing rooms I can come out of a changing room take a look in a mirror and still hear my humans Aunt's comments from childhood………

  It looks lovely dear, it's the only size they have and I expect you will grow into it

  ……… school kids can be very cruel on a girl trying hard to grow into her clothes.

  I have just tried on my skin tight one piece fighting suit and true it looks very sexy but would like to say to the designer that I am dying to go to the bathroom and I still have not worked out how to get out of it without using a can opener… I am now going to cross my legs and read the instructions to see if it is water proof ! …..er…. If you know what I mean.

  FIGHT or FLIGHT

  People always say that nature gives animals the 'fight or flight' response to respond to danger or run away and survive. As a species Vampires have problems will the idea of running away from anything, so it should be 'fight or die' or even 'fight and die' for us.

  Any animal that does not have the 'fight or flight' gene has a special name: LUNCH.

  FIGHTER

  A type of clothing designed to make your body look good when training or sport fighting. The Helsings (see HELSING) with these clothes are like a metal bodice, and the clothing is usually fitted very tight like a body stocking, not only proving you are a girl, but so thin that you can read your family brand on the hips.

  There is a rumour that a girl once forgot her Fighter suit and used a can of spay paint instead and no one knew the difference.

  FIGHTING

  From what we all have seen from the movies being Vampires we should all have natural Kung Fu skills er…… no. Unless you practise you are just strong, fast and have sharp teeth and claws - all good for killing but not for public shows.

  Suggesting that Vampires all have Natural Kung Fu skills is like saying I must be able to cook well because I am female. Forget it, order in takeout!

  The real reason Vampires tend to fight w
ell is that we live for hundreds of years, and practice makes perfect. We have natural advantages - moving fast, being able to change our body mass, and having built-in weapons. We may not be able to outrun a bullet but then we don't run away - so if the first bullet misses, there's never time to fire a second one!

  FOOD: Where to find food:

  Again Males have it easy: taxi drivers (which double up as takeout) and prostitutes. This is one of the few times you can compare their services to taxi drivers!

  You can hang around fast food outlets and night clubs offering to give lifts to anyone needing to get home.

  Other places which are often overlooked by a novice Vampire are crowded places like the underground and crowded tube trains - no-one ever looks at other people on a tube train, and if they did accidentally watch you plunge your fangs into a fellow commuter they'd just pretend it didn't happen. After all, if they made a fuss it would slow the train down - then they'd be late, and the other passengers would get angry at them for the delay. So you can get away with a surprising amount.

  For Females, if you don't mind walking around some of the riskier parts of town in a skirt so short as to be classified as a belt, you will discover that food will come to you and sometimes even offer you money. If they suggest a motel room, go for it - you may as well eat in comfort. Don't worry about the screams from the food, as the type of hotel that will rent you a room by the hour hire only very deaf staff. Some Female Vampires even have cards printed offering bondage and biting services. I've even heard some of them have built up a repeat clientele: apparently some human food is happy to come back once a week to be tied up and bitten and they'll even pay for the privilege of being your evening meal! And humans say that Vampires are strange!

  Blood banks: All major cities have a blood bank, but try to remember to take a shopping bag or backpack with you. It's difficult to carry 20 or 30 slippery plastic blood bags in your arms, and does look a little odd when people see you making such a large withdrawal.

  FOOD: Where not to find it

  Crumbling castles, deserted woods and graveyards. Yes, I know all the movies show Vampires hanging around graveyards and burial sites, but forget it - there's nothing to eat there that hasn't gone well past its sell by date!

  e

  G

  GARLIC

  I don't know about you but it gives me chronic wind, so it's more dangerous for anyone standing too close behind me.

  GODS: and other deities...

  Some religions get very upset at finding out that you are a Vampire, and the followers try and kill you. But don't let that put you off if you want a religion, it's your choice. At least then you'll get a turn at holding the big heavy holy symbol and hitting people with it.

  GOLD

  Gold along with diamonds and other precious gems always keep their value, and so it is a good idea to collect and wear expensive jewellery. I believe humans appreciate being killed by a good looking Female wearing $50,000 in gems... it shows we care.

  H

  HAIR

  OK, let's talk about hair. No matter what style you want, you will discover that your hair is not the hair it will work with. An example is my own hair - My human look is Chinese Asian and so my hair is black and straight, and will not do anything but be black and straight. I can spend hours putting in waves and curls, but by the next day it's straight and boring yet again. I expect you all have problems with your hair, but before you moan too much think of our poor maids and all turnlings - they may look to have perfect hair, but only because it's fixed in time at the style it was when they were turned. I have seen a maid take a knife to a full head of hair and hack it off in handfuls, only to have it grow back looking the same the next day. As you can see Bambi got turned on a bad hair day!. No matter how much we complain about our hair, at least we don't have the problem of being stuck with the same hair style for hundreds of years... fashions change, but turnlings can't change. This applies to all body hair, even in the more intimate areas (if you know what I'm saying), so if she was nurturing a small rainforest at the time of being turned then that is what she will have no matter what the current fashion is for baby smooth. Just a sip of blood after a painful waxing will mean an instant return of the Amazonian rainforest.

  HEAT (on or in) 0

  It's not talked about much, but every girl should worry about coming on heat for the first time.

  Coming on heat is when you can get pregnant. Forget the rubbish you might have heard about not getting pregnant the first time on heat - it's a popular misconception but no-one has told your body this. You're designed for breeding, and if you are within 10 feet of a male when in heat you're likely to end up pregnant!

  Look out for little signs of coming on to heat such as clawing of furniture and the biting of friends, strangers, and passers by, animals, walls, carpets and furniture. Thoughtful parents at this time will notice these little signs and lock you in an empty soundproof room for a few days until you calm down.

  HELSING

  The Helsing is named after Van Helsing the Vampire killer, and is a type of body armour.

  As the humans know the best way to kill us is a stake in the heart or cutting the head off. This is what they always go for - along with garlic, which is a myth created by people wanting to sell more garlic, and and holy water, which is a myth created by the church seeking donations for repairing their roofs.

  Humans are a little stupid over this. As a species Vampires are very intelligent and long-lived and it didn't take us long to work out that we live a lot longer if we can stop people sticking a sharp piece of wood between our boobs.

  Helsing Armour is a metal plate which fits over the heart and is fitted as standard into clothing such as "The Hunter" and "The Fighter," or added as extra detachable plating. It is worn under the shirt of the Male, and cloaks have high metal collars so to protect the neck from a sword blow. Females can have a Helsing fitted into a bodice, or have it made to look like an ornate bra.

  Helsings are always designed for positioning over the heart area of the chest to make it impossible for the wearer to be stabbed in the heart with a wooden stake. It would even stop silver bullets, swords, knives or in the case of one particular nasty killing in a Vampire film, stiletto heels. Vampires are traditionalists but we are not stupid, we've seen all the films on the subject and are normally the people who laugh in a cinema when a movie Vampire did something so stupid as to let his lunch kill him.

  HISS and HISSING

  We all do it, but why? It's not that we are related to cats so why do we all enjoy having a good hiss? I put it down to watching too many Vampire films like 'Bride of Dracula' where the female Vampires just sit in a corner and hiss at Van Helsing as he walks past carrying a sharp bit of wood.

  What ever the reason, it's natural, so if you want to hiss go ahead and enjoy it. After all, it's the only uncontrollable body noise to expel air we can make in public, without having to pretend it was the cat.

  q

  HOLY SYMBOLS

  Now this is just stupid. No way would a cross or such like ever harm you, unless it was big and heavy and someone hit you with it.

  Silver jewellery as well as silver crucifixes are a problem if you want to wear them, due to the silver being next to the skin. Is it really dangerous? Well, the reaction is a bit like wearing poison oak, so unless having a red itchy rash is fashionable you'd better stick to white gold.

  k

  HOT SPRINGS

  If you are lucky your Nest will have caves set aside for bathing in natural heated springs, all very Japanese in style, and they tend to have a variety of different sessions.

  Male only.

  Usually with maids to help scrub their backs (a likely story! I don't think that's all they do).

  Mixed Family Nights.

  This is where whole families can relax naked after a good meal. Mind you, seeing my Aunt naked after a meal would give you indigestion for a week.

  Female Only.

  Where we
find out what is really going on in the Nest. A good way to socialise (gossip) as the high level of Nest smell makes a Female very docile and so we can chat without wanting to kill each other. This is also the place were we discuss how the Nest should be run.

  Private.

  This is where friends can chat and soak together, usually after exercise in the tournaments. Again, due to the Nest smell this is a perfect time to relax and do a little bonding and complaining about our parents, friends, boys, and the world in general (which is personally out to get you, if you're a teenager).

  The experience can be made more enjoyable by sleeping and drying off on the hot stones afterwards. Close friends try to do it often so as to build up a stronger connection and catch up on gossip.

  HUMANS

  The species we look like, but only for camouflage purposes. The Crumblies say we once had wings and a tail, giving rise to the Bat connection, but we camouflaged ourselves to look like our pray.

  Human blood tastes the best and should always be taken warm.

  HUMAN BOYFRIENDS

  Dating humans is not a good idea: