by J. M. Lamp
“You never asked your boyfriend when his birthday was?”
“No,” I say. “It just never came up…I guess? I didn’t meet him until after both of our birthdays and it just never came up. Anyway, Carrie brought it up.”
“I always hated surprise parties,” Elliot says. “Everyone knowing something that I didn’t. Surprises, in general, I just hate.”
“He better like them because this is going to be one hell of a surprise.”
We make our way to the alcohol and Elliot leans his head on the grocery cart. I cross my arms and lean on one foot as I focus in on all of the marvelous choices in front of me.
“I feel like I should get what Cody would want,” I say.
“That would be best, yes.”
We make our way over to the cakes and Elliot says, “What’s his favorite?”
“I’ve never seen him eat cake since I’ve known him.”
“Not everyone likes cake,” he says.
“I’ve seen him eat cheesecake.”
“What about ice cream cake?”
“That should work,” I say. “Am I a shitty boyfriend?”
“No,” he says. “I don’t know what Will’s favorite cake is either and I’m engaged to him. And I’m not a shitty fiancé, so you’re fine.”
“So, the wedding is still the first of January?”
“Yes,” he says, “which I want to talk to you about that.”
“Alright.”
“I want you to be my best man,” he says.
“Honestly,” I say, “I figured you’d ask Hadley.”
“You helped me realize that Will was worth fighting for and that I needed to keep my cool.”
“I’m not saying I don’t deserve to be your best man,” I say, smiling. “I just figured you’d ask her.”
“Yes, then?”
“Of course,” I say. “Who’s Will’s?”
“Abbey,” he says, laughing. “You’ll get to hold her little hand down the aisle. It’s going to be a very small thing, but I’d still like someone standing up there next to me.”
“Not a super-gay fiesta then?”
“Not hardly,” he says. “Then I thought we’d all just go to Gregor’s after.”
“Perfect,” I say.
“So,” he says, “are you and Cody still fighting?”
“We weren’t fighting, really,” I say. “We just had a difference in opinion on what he should do about his brother. We made up on Thanksgiving. I think his brother is going to be moving either this week or next.”
“Hadley told me about your dad.”
“Yeah,” I say.
“She said the other day that he’s getting worse.”
“I’m just going to get pizzas,” I say. “He loves pizza.”
“Ethan.”
“I’m not talking about this, El,” I say. “I know it’s selfish, but I’m comfortable with things the way they are. I’m not going to crawl back to his side just because he’s sick.”
“You don’t have to crawl back to his side,” he says. “Don’t you think you’ll regret it if you don’t talk to him before something happens?”
“How many pizzas should we get?”
“Let’s just get what we need here and get pizzas on the way,” he says.
I nod and push the cart towards the checkout line.
“If you want to talk about it,” he says, “I’m here.”
“I know.”
***
“How’d you even know?” Cody says, kissing me on the forehead.
“Like I didn’t know when your birthday was,” I say. “Or maybe Carrie mentioned it and then I realized how shitty of a boyfriend I am for not knowing and decided to throw you a party?”
“Well,” he says, “you’ll be happy to know that I now know that yours is January twelfth. Hadley informed me not too long ago.”
“I’ll be expecting my party,” I say, wrapping my hands around his waist.
“So,” Sam says, walking up to us, “how old are we today?”
“Twenty-nine,” Cody says. “Getting up there, I know.”
“You could be turning thirty soon like William,” Elliot says, smiling.
Will wraps his arm around Elliot and says, “You like an older man.”
“That I do,” Elliot says, leaning his head on Will’s shoulder.
I make my way over to the couch and sit down beside Hadley.
“What’s up?” I ask her.
“Waiting on news from mom,” she says.
“About what?”
“Dad, Ethan. He’s in the hospital and she just isn’t sure what’s going to happen.”
“Oh,” I say. “If you want to go see him, you—“
“No,” she says. “I went last weekend, it’s fine. But I’ll take you.”
“I can’t,” I say.
“Why?”
“Because,” I say, shrugging my shoulders and getting off the couch, “I just can’t.”
I walk out onto the balcony and sit down in one of the chairs, propping my feet up on the balcony’s railing. I look up at the sky and inhale the smell of the fresh air. I love the smell of the city; it’s clean and undisturbed, almost.
I remember the first time I really appreciated things as little as the air of Chicago. The day of graduation, I packed a bag and took all of the money I got from random relatives and friends and drove straight into the city, which was, and still is, about an hour and a half away from the city itself. I had no idea where to go or what to do, but I knew I couldn’t be at my parent’s house in that moment.
Hadley called me when I got half way into the city and said she was coming to get me. I drove into the city and parked down from the pier. I walked to the ferris wheel and waited on a bench that looked out over the water for Hadley. When she got there, she didn’t say anything. She sat down, laid her head on my shoulder, and we sat like that, in silence, for an hour.
I was devastated by the fact that my dad didn’t accept me for who I was. I was even more devastated by the fact that my mom supported him. My dad’s death will affect me in ways that I don’t yet understand and I know I will probably regret not seeing him. I know that what happened was years ago, but I lied to Cody; not all wounds heal.
“The party is inside,” Cody says, as he steps out onto the balcony.
I look up at him and wipe a tear away from my eye. I laugh and look back out towards the building across the street.
“What’s wrong?” he says, kneeling down and grabbing my hand.
“My dad…is going to die soon and I don’t care as much as I should. How awful does that make me?”
“I don’t think that makes you awful,” he says. “It makes you…honest, I guess. You can’t help the way you feel. And you can’t feel guilty for the way you feel, either.”
“I don’t want him to die,” I say, looking up at the stars. “But I lost my respect and love in general for him years ago. There’s nothing there to make me care enough anymore.”
“Do you want to go see him?”
“It’s too late,” I say. “I can feel it. I know it’s coming.”
“I haven’t told you this,” he says, “but at Thanksgiving, Ian and I were talking out here and he told me something about Nathan.”
“What about him?”
“He said that Nathan has a past. He had problems years ago and something with drugs. Things that I’ve never heard about.”
“Have you called him?”
“No,” he says.
“Why not?”
“I don’t know what to say, I guess.”
“I get it,” I say.
“But I’m going to,” he says.
“Good,” I say. “I’m sorry, I just stepped out here to think. We can go back inside.”
“I’m glad you bought pizza,” he says, wrapping his arm around my shoulder as I get up out of the chair.
“I figured you’d like that more than sandwiches or some shit.”
“Hey,�
� he says. I look up at him and look into his eyes. “You’re not a bad person. You’re exactly how you should be and I wouldn’t want you any other way.”
“Thanks,” I say.
We make our way back into the apartment and Hadley doesn’t look up from the TV as I walk by her. I know she’s disappointed with me, but I don’t care at this point.
“I brought some games,” Sam says.
“I don’t have any consoles, bud,” I say.
“No,” he says, “like board games.”
“That we can do,” I say, raising my eyebrows.
“And cards,” he says. “Whichever. I know Cody likes things to be chill.”
“I get enough crazy at work,” Cody says. “Chill is good.”
“Which will it be?” I ask Cody.
“Cards?” he says.
“Like UNO or something?” I ask Sam.
“I actually have UNO in here,” he says, laughing. He sets a tote on the table that is filled with random shit. I look over at Elliot and he laughs.
“Let’s do it,” Sam says, smiling.
***
“I know you’re pissed,” I say to Hadley the next day over breakfast.
“I’m fine,” she says. “I just hope you don’t regret anything is all.”
“Has mom given you anymore updates?”
“She said they told her that he has a few hours to a few days,” she says. “They aren’t a hundred percent sure, really.”
“Is she OK?”
“She’s trying to be,” she says. “I can hear the sadness in her voice, but she’s trying to put on a brave face.”
“I think Cody liked his party,” I say. “And thanks for telling him when my birthday was.”
“He asked me earlier that day,” she says, laughing. “It was his birthday and when he realized that it was his birthday, it made him wonder when yours was.”
“He’s cute like that,” I say, smiling.
My phone vibrates and I look down from Hadley and see the screen light up.
He deserved a party after the gash I left in his head.
My phone falls to the floor and I scoot out of my seat and stand up. My heart is rapidly beating and I’m starting to sweat.
“Ethan,” Hadley says, grabbing my shoulder, “what’s going on?”
“It’s him,” I say. I go outside and lean on my knees as I wrap my hands around my head and try to focus on my breathing.
“How many of these have you gotten?” she says, making her way outside to me.
“That’s the second one,” I say. “I swear. It’s him, Hadley. It’s Rick.”
“I can’t do anything without proof of that,” she says. “It’s either him or someone he knows.”
“The guy who attacked Cody at the hospital, it has to be Rick.”
“You said the tapes don’t show his face, right?”
“He hid it well,” I say. I stand up and lean against the side of the restaurant. “He hurt Cody and it’s my fault.”
I grab my phone from Hadley and look into her eyes. She’s alert and in cop mode. I shake my head and say, “I need to talk to Cody.”
***
I storm into the apartment and Cody looks up from the TV, sitting up as he sees my face drenched in tears.
“What the hell happened?” Cody says. He stands up and I put my hands out in front of myself, blocking him, as he tries to get me in a hug.
“It’s my fault,” I say, pacing back and forth. “The guy who attacked you, it was Rick. I got this message today.” I pull out my phone and throw it to him. He raises his eyebrows and looks at me and then down at the phone.
He looks back up at me and his mouth is open: speechless.
“How do you know it’s him?” he says.
“This is the second one,” I say. “I got one a while back. All it said was the word soon and I had Hadley track it and it’s just a burner phone and she’s looked up his information and it said he’s not in the city anymore, but it has to be him.”
“Do you have any old pictures of Rick?”
“I burned them all,” I say. “Hold on.”
I grab my laptop and look up his full name. Rick used to run a repair shop for phones and computers back when we were together and when I look up his name, it pops up along with a picture of him. I instantly feel sick and pass the laptop to Cody.
He slowly nods his head up and down and says, “That’s him. The guy I met was a little heavier and his hair was longer, but that smile. That’s him.”
He looks up at me and I instantly star bursting into tears again.
“Hey,” he says, moving over to me and grabbing me. I slowly fall to the floor with him and he wraps his arms around me. “It’s gonna be OK. Look at me.” He slowly turns my face towards his and looks me in the eyes and says, “I’m still here.”
“If you stay with me,” I say, “you might not be. You don’t understand. He will not stop. It’s only going to get worse.”
“And I’ll be ready for it,” he says.
I take a deep breath and close my eyes.
“I’ll never forgive myself if something happens to you again.”
“This isn’t your choice to make,” he says. “I love you. This doesn’t change that. Nothing is going to change that.”
My phone dings and I instantly feel sick again at the thought of him messaging me again.
“It’s your sister,” Cody says.
“Tell her I’m fine.”
“No,” he says, handing me the phone. “It’s your dad.”
Mom just called. Dad’s gone. Call me when you get time.
I throw the phone against the wall and fall into Cody’s shoulder. He puts his hand in my hair and rubs my head.
The crying won’t stop as I realize that things are only going to get worse from here on out.
Chapter Sixteen
Cody
I TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND TIGHTEN the end of my tie as I lean back and look into the bathroom where Ethan is. He hasn’t slept in days and the bags under his eyes, mixed with the scruff on his face, make him look like a different man.
Finding out that Rick is the one who attacked me upsets me more because I know how bad Ethan feels about it. He feels responsible and he is terrified that something even worse is going to happen to me. Rick isn’t getting rid of me that easy.
“I’ve never been to a funeral,” Ethan says, making his way back into the bedroom. He looks up at me and then closes his eyes as he sits on the edge of the bed. “I always figured that the first one I would attend was my own. And that it would’ve been years ago.”
“Well,” I say, sitting down next to him, “I’m sorry that your first one is your dad’s.”
“Better than mine,” he says, “right?”
I get off the bed and kneel down in front of him. I grab his hands and cup them in mind. His eyes don’t leave the floor as I bring his hands to my lips and kiss them.
“I know you’re hurting,” I say, “because of many things, but you have to stop saying things like that. You are here with me. Be glad for that fact. Things are going to be OK and we’re going to be OK. I don’t know what I have to do to prove that to you, but I’m not going to stop trying until I do.”
He looks up into my eyes and he’s lifeless: a hollow shell of someone who has been hurt far too many times before. He looks like he’s about to pass out and all I want to do is lay him back and tuck him in. The man I love is sitting in front of me and I’m not sure if I’m ever going to be able to bring him back from this.
***
“Thanks for driving, Cody,” Hadley says as she shuts the passenger-side door.
“Of course,” I say.
She looks over her shoulder at Ethan who is lying on his back with his hand over his eyes.
“He fell asleep as soon as his back hit the backseat,” I say.
“Thank you,” she says. “For being there for him and just, in general.”
“I just don’t know if I’m going
to be able to help him out of this.”
“You’re already doing more than you know,” she says. “If he didn’t have you, and everything would have still happened, he would’ve given up. My brother is one of the strongest people I’ve ever known, but he has his limits.”
It takes us an hour to get to the funeral home and I feel bad even waking Ethan up when we get there. Ethan doesn’t say anything as he walks in behind Hadley. Multiple people turn towards him to say something, but he ignores them and walks to the room where the casket is.
He stops when he gets in the room and I see Hadley make her way over to a woman who I assume is their mom. Ethan has her smile and her eyes, I notice, as she hugs Hadley and looks over at Ethan. He looks over at her and as she moves towards him, he looks away and walks to the back row of chairs set up. His mom stops in her tracks, forces a small smile, and turns back towards Hadley.
I make my way back to the last row of chairs and sit down beside Ethan. He leans his head back and closes his eyes. He lets out a deep breath and looks down at the floor, cupping my hand between his.
“You OK?” I ask him.
He nods up and down and looks around the room.
“I don’t know any of these people,” he says.
Once everyone gets seated, Hadley sits with her mom in the front row and I look over at Ethan who is staring blankly in front of him.
“Thank you all for coming,” his mom says, now standing in front of everyone. “Many of you knew Richard as a friend. Some of you, as family.” She looks towards Ethan and he doesn’t acknowledge the fact. “He got sick quickly and by the time we found out, there was nothing we could do. He lived a good, fulfilled life and in the end, he was ready to move on to whatever waits for us all on the other side.”
Hadley gets up out of her seat and takes her mom’s hand.
“My daughter, Hadley, would like to say a few words about her father.”
Hadley steps in front of the podium and rests her hands on top of it.
“I have a lot of memories of my father,” she says. “A lot of them good and a lot of them, also bad. To his friends, he was a great guy: a loyal, hardworking man who would do anything for you.”