by J. M. Lamp
Hadley looks back to Ethan and I and blinks. She looks back up towards the front to her mom and says, “To his family, he was loving and caring. In a lot of aspects, he was a great father. When we were kids, especially, he would take my brother and I with him sometimes when he would travel for work. We would get to see places that we never would’ve got to see before and we loved every minute of it. We had a great childhood. For that childhood, I’ll remember my dad as a man that I admired and yearned to be like one day. He’ll be missed by many and I hope that wherever he is now, he’s happy.”
Hadley said that they used to travel, but Ethan has always said that he never went anywhere as a kid. I wonder if, with the memory of his teenage years, he’s ruined the image of what his childhood was, too.
She looks back towards us again and pauses before giving a small smile and sitting back down next to her mom. Her mom gets up and stands behind the podium and says, “Would anyone else like to say anything?”
Many hands go up, but she doesn’t say anything. She looks at Ethan who looks down at the floor and squeezes my hand tighter. After a few more seconds, she looks to her left at a man with his hand up and nods for him to come up.
A few more people say some good things about him and then they say a prayer. Ethan doesn’t let go of my hand the entire time and continues to look straight ahead while everything goes on. Everyone starts making their way towards the exit as Ethan and I stay seated. He finally gets up and walks up to where his dad is lying.
I walk over to the exit and turn around, looking out towards the exit where everyone is leaving and letting him have his privacy in the process. He stays by the casket for a few minutes and eventually makes his way back to me.
“Let’s go,” he says, placing his arm around my waist. I rest my arm over his shoulder and kiss the top of his head.
We meet Hadley outside and she says, “I’m going to ride with mom to the reception.”
“Okay,” Ethan says. He walks past her and gets into the truck.
“You guys don’t have to go to the reception if he doesn’t want to,” she says. “I can get a ride home from someone, honestly.”
“I’ll see what he wants to do,” I say.
“Thanks, Cody,” she says, hugging me.
I get into the truck and rest my hands on the steering wheel.
“We can go home now if you want to,” I say.
I stick the keys in the ignition and he says, “No, it’s fine. I said what I needed to say to him.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah,” he says, buckling his seatbelt. “Let’s go.”
***
Once we get to the reception, Ethan is immediately pulled aside by random people who I’m guessing are old relatives of his or friends of his dad. I make my way over to a table in the corner and sit down. I look around the room and realize that no one is really crying. Everyone has that hint of sadness on their faces and in their eyes, but there are no tears in this room.
“Cody?” I hear a woman say behind me. It’s Ethan’s mom, I realize, as I turn in my chair and stand up. “Hi, I’m Ethan’s mom.”
“It’s nice to meet you,” I say. “I wish it was under better circumstances.”
“To be honest,” she says, “I probably never would have gotten to meet you in any other scenario. I’m sure you know that Ethan and his father weren’t exactly close the last few years.”
I nod and she sits down in the chair, across from mine, at the table.
“Ethan and I are no longer close, either,” she says. “I was a terrible mother to him. I knew what he was before he came out to us. I didn’t care, either, but I knew my husband would. He truly wasn’t a bad man. He was a stubborn one, but he wasn’t a bad one. The last thing he said before he died was to tell Ethan that he was sorry. Hadley told me what else has been happening with him, so I’m not going to tell him that. At least not right now. I just want to say thank you for giving my son the love that he truly does deserve and for caring about him the way his father and I failed at.”
“I don’t want to seem rude asking this,” I say, “but why didn’t you stick by him?”
“I’ve tried multiple times to talk to Ethan over the years,” she says. “I haven’t tried nearly hard enough, but I’ve tried and every time, he ignores my calls and shuts me out completely; which I deserve. I stuck by my husband because I thought that it would fizzle out, I guess. I had no idea that it would affect Ethan the way that it did. I can only imagine how secluded he has felt over these past few years and how much he hates me now. It got to the point where Ethan wouldn’t talk at all to me and I gave up trying. He’s just as stubborn as his father in a lot of ways, but his heart is far bigger than his father’s. I hope that one day, he’ll be able to forgive me and let me in again.”
She gets up off the chair and grabs a hold of my hand and says, “Take care of him. I wasn’t there for him through college and I wasn’t there for him with Rick, but you love him, I can see it. And you must be special if he’s been able to let you into his heart after the way people have torn it apart over the years.”
“It was nice to meet you,” I say, smiling. “I hope that one day, things will be different for you guys.”
She makes her way over to a group of people by a table set up with a picture of Ethan’s dad and various flowers people have sent for the funeral. I scan the room and finally spot Ethan who is talking to someone else now. The expression on his face hasn’t changed, but he’s actually talking to people, and that’s a start.
“Meeting the parents is always awkward,” Hadley says, sitting down across me. “Well, parent, I guess. I’m surprised he’s even talking to anyone.”
“I think he felt obligated,” I say. “As soon as we walked in people were all over him, so he just went with it.”
“What did my mom say to you, if you don’t mind me asking?”
“That she was a terrible person, basically,” I say. “I don’t think of it that way, though. We all make mistakes.”
“I, actually, resented my parents throughout the years also,” she says. “I didn’t lie up there; my dad was a great dad when we were kids. I think with him, his whole view of what he wanted Ethan to be changed because of one stupid thing that he didn’t accept as being right. He was a very stubborn man. While I love my mom, she was never strong. She could never stand up for anything she believed in and was a coward under my dad’s thumb. He wasn’t abusive or anything, but he had a way about him that she just felt the need to obey. It goes back to her childhood and blah blah blah, but that’s a whole other story.”
“Why did you resent them?”
“Because Ethan and I were so close,” she says. “I think it might be the twin thing. The day we graduated, and everything changed, I could feel how upset Ethan was. He drove to the city and I followed him and we just sat by the water and watched everything continue to move on in spite of him having the worst day of his life when it should’ve been the best. I still talked to them plenty, but I didn’t care as much. Never went to events or anything. I always felt like Ethan needed me more.”
I look over at Ethan who is talking to his mom now. She takes him in for a hug and he hesitates, at first, but then he wraps his arms around her and leans his head on top of hers. He closes his eyes as his face scrunches up and he starts to cry. I instantly feel my heart tear a little and I feel relief that he’s talking to her again.
“I think you get him in a way that I do,” she says. “You understand him and can read him. He’s opened up to you in ways that I never thought would be possible for him again after what he went through.”
“Speaking of,” I say, “is there anything we can do about Rick?”
“No,” she says, letting out a sigh. “They’ve put out a watch on him from you coming in and identifying him as your attacker. That and the messages will be enough to do a lot if they can find him. He’s sneaky, though. Rick is everything wrong in this world and I truly hope that when the day co
mes, he gets exactly what he deserves.”
“Mom wants to take us out to dinner,” Ethan says, making his way back over to us and sitting on my lap. He lays his head down on my chest and I run my fingers through his hair as I watch him rise and fall on my chest.
“You OK?” I ask him.
“I will be.”
***
“So,” Ethan’s mom says, “what do you do Cody?”
“I’m a nurse.”
“That’s wonderful,” she says. “I was a nurse for years; very rewarding career.”
“I really love it,” I say, smiling. “Keeps me grounded.
“What about you, Ethan?” she says. “What are you into these days?”
“I do computer-security work for different places,” he says. “Nothing great, but it pays well.”
“As long as you’re happy,” she says.
He looks over at me and says,” I am.”
“I’d like for you guys to come down in a few days if you could,” she says. “I’m selling the house and I want you guys to get whatever you want out of it before I do.”
“Like your house stuff?” Hadley asks her.
“No,” she says, laughing, “all of your guys’ stuff from when you were little and from high school. Both your rooms are still exactly the way you left them.”
“I have a lot to do this week,” Ethan says, “but we’ll see.”
“Where are you going to live then, mom?” Hadley asks her.
“I’m gonna move in with some of the girls,” she says. “Be our own little Golden Girls. I just don’t want to stay in that house. It’s too big for just me.”
“I used to love that house,” Ethan says. “I still remember losing my virginity to Adam Cyrus one night when you and dad went away for the weekend.”
“Oh, Ethan,” his mom says, laughing. “That’s awful.”
“It was pretty awful,” he says. “He wasn’t very good at all.”
His mom laughs again and he grabs my hand under the table. A smile slowly crosses over his face as I look over at him and he looks up at his mom. The first smile I’ve seen on his face in days and it’s beautiful.
***
We drop Hadley off and make our way back to the apartment. Ethan fell asleep once we left the restaurant with his mom and he’s been out ever since. I pull up and park the car and reach behind me, tapping Ethan’s shoulder.
“Huh?” he says, slowing coming to.
“We’re home,” I say.
“Okay.”
He leans his head against my shoulder as we make our way up the stairs to the apartment. I can feel his jaw contract as he yawns and I smile for no reason whatsoever.
“Thank you,” he says, taking his shoes off and throwing them to the side of the bedroom.
“For what?” I say.
“For loving me,” he says. He throws his clothes to the edge of the nightstand and gets under the covers. I get into bed after him and throw my arm over him.
He holds it close to his heart as I rest my head along his neck and say, “I was made for it.”
Chapter Seventeen
Ethan
“I MAGINE ALL THE DUST,” I say.
“I haven’t even been to the house in like four years,” she says. “I had no idea they kept everything. I wasn’t there for very long when I did visit.”
“I’m surprised all my stuff wasn’t burned out in the back yard,” I say.
“Jesus, Ethan,” she says, “it’s not liked they despised you.”
“Pretty close.”
“I’m glad he let us borrow his truck,” she says.
“Yes,” I say. “My boyfriend is the bomb.”
“Most of the stuff we can put in my storage stall. I don’t know what we’ll possibly want.”
“Is mom going to be there?”
“She’s not right now,” she says, “but she’ll be there later.”
“Okay,” I say.
“You look like you’ve slept since the funeral.”
“I have,” I say. “It was just a lot all at once to take in and I’m just now processing it all.”
“Cody didn’t seem bothered by the whole Rick thing like I figured he would be.”
“He’s more concerned about me than anything else,” I say. “Which scares me also. He doesn’t realize how crazy this fucker is. I’m never going to forgive myself if something happens to him.”
“They’ll catch him,” she says. “His face is out there now.”
“But they haven’t caught him yet. That’s what scares me. I’m not even worried about myself, it’s Cody.”
“I’ve been keeping tabs on him for years,” she says. I look at her and raise my eyebrows. “I wanted to see what he was doing and make sure he was away from you. He left the city soon after you got out of there, so I didn’t think he’d ever come back.”
“Well,” I say, “he is. Oh well. I always knew I would see him again. I just hope I see him before he sees Cody again.”
***
“Jesus,” I say as we walk in the front door, “this is spooky.” The house is completely still as we stand in the middle of the hallway next to the staircase. I close my eyes and memories start flooding my brain of Christmases and birthdays; smaller things like the first time I learned to ride a bike right here down this hallway and falling into the wall, but laughing because it was fun.
“They haven’t changed anything, really,” Hadley says, running her hand along the wall.
“The carpet is different.”
“No it isn’t,” she says. “Look, you can still see the small paint stain from where we were getting ready for our sixteenth birthday party.”
“Oh yeah,” I say, laughing. “Mom was so pissed about that. She didn’t talk to us for days after the party.”
We make our way into the living room and I lean against the side of the entranceway, crossing my arms.
“Dad’s chair,” she says, pointing to the black leather recliner that they’ve had since we were in high school.
“You can tell he was anal about it,” I say. “It still looks like new. Probably just took the plastic off over the last few years.”
“I remember laying on my stomach in front of the TV,” she says, walking across the floor. “Me and dad would watch football while you would sit in the kitchen with mom and play with your old computers and shit.”
“I never liked sports,” I say. “He always hated that.”
“I was the son he never had just like you were the daughter mom never had.”
“I can’t believe they still have all these pictures hanging up.”
The hallway, from the front door to the kitchen, is filled with pictures from over the years when we were younger; all the family vacations and school pictures on display for everyone to marvel over.
“I wonder what they say when people come over and ask about us,” I say. “Me specifically. Like, do they say, ‘oh he’s in Chicago doing great things’, or do they say, ‘oh he’s in Chicago being gay and a disappointment to us’.”
“Ethan,” she says, “dad’s gone. You don’t have to be a dick anymore.”
“I’m the dick,” I say. “Right.”
“Right now you’re being one,” she says. “We’re here to sort through memories, not relive one specific one that was terrible.”
“Fine,” I say, making my way up the staircase. “I’m sorry.”
I walk into my old bedroom and it really is exactly how I left it. Photographs that I took in high school and had blown up are still on the wall along with my Lord of the Rings poster and Justin Timberlake poster that my parents thought I had up because I loved his music; which I did, but I also wanted his dick, obviously.
I sit on the edge of the bed and then lie back onto the bed.
I remember walking through my bedroom door on the day I graduated and sitting here on the edge of the bed. I looked at the wall and tried to process what had happened. I snapped out of it and realized I had to get out
of here before my parents and Hadley got back. I had no idea where I was going to go, but I knew that I had to get out of this house.
I get off the bed and get down on my knees beside the nightstand. I smile when I see the shoebox under my bed full of pictures. Inside are pictures of me and old friends of mine from high school, who I no longer talk to anymore. Seeing myself as a kid is amazing because of my lack of style and the haircuts I chose to have throughout the years.
“Find anything good?” Hadley asks me as she leans against the doorframe.
I lift up a picture of us from freshman year in high school and she walks over and grabs it from me.
“Jesus,” she says, smiling. She hands me back the picture and picks up some of the ones I’ve already went through. “Adam Cyrus, huh? I had no idea has was gay.”
“I don’t think he knew, either,” I say, laughing. “To be honest, I think he’s married now and has a couple of kids. I’m sure his wife is just as happy as could be.”
“These are worth keeping,” she says.
“Definitely,” I say. “What about your stuff?”
“I’m going right now,” she says, getting off the bed.
I put the shoebox on the bed and put my hands on my hips, deciding what to look at next.
“Hey,” I hear mom say behind me.
“Hey,” I say.
“You guys been here long?”
“A half hour probably.”
“Hadley in her room?” she says.
“Yeah.”
“Are you doing OK?”
“I’m fine,” I say. “It’s nice seeing some of this stuff again.”
“I didn’t figure you’d want stuff like the posters or your old clothes, but stuff like the pictures and your old books and stuff, I thought you would. I have something for you before you guys leave. Don’t let me forget.”
***
“So,” mom says at the table, “I have something to talk to you two about.”
“What’s up?” Hadley says.