by A. C. Wilson
A year ago they had agreed to try and have a child. A year that broke her heart in more ways than she ever thought it would be possible. There was no bottom to the depth of her despair, so she kept trying. Every few weeks buying the blasted pregnancy tests and never meeting the cashier’s sorrowful eyes. Rayne leaned against the bathroom door unable to go further.
Oh yes! The whole damn town knows what a failure I am.
She had long since realized she couldn’t help the anger and frustration as she watched her soon-to-be sisters in law carry their own children. Andy had her second beautiful daughter, Regan in August. Nora was sailing through her first trimester and tickled pink at being a mother to Randy’s baby. Rayne saw the happiness and love that came from the grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins.
It might seem selfish on her part to be deeply mired in this mind set, but it was all she could think about. The one thing that she wanted above all else and God was keeping her from it.
Why?
The one resounding question that reverberated in her brain and every cell of her body. It precluded everything else. It was much like walking in a fog where no light was bright enough to expose the landscape. The path she was walking was a slippery slope that constantly pulled her down into the pits of darkness. It was the darkness that she felt now as she stared at the white sink. The tester nearly disappeared as was such camouflage.
Crossing her arms over her chest, Rayne made the unconscious decision to see her fate. Four steps into the bathroom and whatever hope she had cobbled together was dashed.
Negative.
Unable to stand up any longer, Rayne collapsed onto the bathroom floor with her back up against the tub wall. Silent sobs shook her body and her hands covered her face. She spent so many tears that they should have washed away the guilt and blame. Self-loathing was a hollow pit that echoed with her cries.
“Rayne?”
The voice sounded so far away in her haze. Rayne tried to blink, but her wet lashes clung to her cheeks. She was so exhausted.
“Rayne? Where are you? I know you’re here.”
Heavy boots sounded on the staircase that led up to the bathroom. It was only another moment before the unidentified stranger was identified as Garrett’s brother. Cropped dark hair perfectly matched Travis’s hair. Only his brilliant blue eyes were a contrast to Garrett’s brown ones.
“Blake.”
The surprise in those blue depths were quickly overlapped by worry. His well-muscled frame filled the tiny bathroom.
“Hey there.”
Blake’s warmth and easy humor had been something she was instantly drawn to when he first came to Hot Springs only a few months ago. It was a chance meeting in a grocery store with a chat over ice cream that brought them together. It was a photo with Hot Springs labeled on the back that had brought Blake Phails in search of his family.
Blake crept into the bathroom’s limited space as if he were afraid she might explode. His military bearing only added tension to his body and her own. Straightening her shoulders, Rayne met his eyes while blinking back the tears. His lips pressed together into a thin line and he took a seat on the toilet.
“What are you doing here?”
Rayne looked at his black rounded toe boots he had bought while he was here. He had been back in Washington finding therapy for his PTSD as well as discharging from the Army. He wasn’t supposed to be home yet.
“Matt called a couple days ago and told me about Dad. I came as quick as I could.”
His easy smile softened his features and hearing him speak of Travis as his father was endearing. Rayne shook her head.
“I mean here in my bathroom.”
She wiped the back of her hand across her cheek and tried to take a deep breath. Blake looked around the tiny room and only then noticed the pregnancy test sitting beside him on the counter. She watched as his shoulders lifted when he took a deep breath and his head dropped for a moment.
“Bailey sent me. She said you missed the vet appointment this morning.” Blake’s voice was haunted. She could hear the emotions tainting the words he spoke. He watched her out of the corner of his eye even as he focused on the wall.
“I can’t take more pity, especially from you.”
Rayne pulled her knees up to her chest and hugged them with her arms. Had she not been flush with the tub, she would have rocked herself to soothe the deepening gash.
“If anyone knows what that is like to be pitied I do.” Blake rubbed his hands on his jeans. “I am sorry though.”
“Everyone is sorry, Blake. Everyone is sorry, but they can’t do anything about it. I can’t do anything about it.”
Her voice cracked with the helpless anger that rode it. All of her words felt like daggers. She lifted her eyes to Blake as if he might hold the answers she sought. Maybe he could tell her how to make herself whole again.
“You need to stop blaming yourself.”
Words of fucking wisdom!
She tried to tamp down the anger that surged.
“I can’t! There is something wrong with me, Blake. I can’t get pregnant again. I can’t have a child.”
The words felt like they had been ripped from her chest. Her breathing was shallow and she swallowed hard. Her stomach heaved in its own turmoil.
“Rayne, calm down.” Blake’s voice was soft and soothing. “Breathe, baby, you gotta breathe.”
“I…ca…can’t.” She struggled to get a grip. A cold chill ran up her spine and she didn’t know whether she was going to throw up or pass out.
“Rayne, look at me.”
Blake’s voice had her opening her eyes widely and she noticed that he had slid off the toilet. Now he was kneeling in front of her. One warm hand slid onto her shoulder. Just when she tried to do as he asked and look at him, her stomach churned. Scrambling off the floor towards the toilet, she struggled with the lid. Luckily Blake flipped it up as she vomited into the bowl.
Her stomach completely empty and her head spinning, Rayne leaned against Blake. She could hear the steady thumping of his heart in his chest just below her ear. Comfortingly he raked his fingers slowly through her hair starting at her scalp and working down to the ends. Absently he would hum to her. She felt safe. She tried not to feel anything else. Safety was enough for the moment.
“Let’s get you to bed.”
Blake waited for her to make some small movement before he got to his feet. Without even asking, he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her up. He acted as if she weighed nothing at all. One arm around her shoulders and one around his waist, Blake helped her from the bathroom to her bedroom down the hall. She didn’t want to do anything but sleep. Fierce emotions were exhausting.
“Thank you.”
Rayne sat on the edge of the mattress as Blake stooped to pull off her boots. He made short work of them and put them beside the nightstand.
“Any time, sweetheart, any time.” His low tone eased the tenderness of her spirit. Blake had been there when she wasn’t able to stand herself let alone anyone else. She stopped short thinking it was by divine intervention.
“What is going on in here?”
The question she hoped not to hear and said in the tone she knew quite well. Garrett was home. Before she could answer, Blake squeezed her hand and turned around. Rayne couldn’t miss the uncertainty in Garrett’s brown eyes or the squared off stance that both men took on. She was too tired to fight at the moment and Blake didn’t have to tell her that he would take care of it. She just knew.
“Let’s talk downstairs.” Blake’s no nonsense tone took on the big brother edge as he moved toward Garrett. A moment of hesitation, the guys moved out of the room and out the door. It closed silently behind them and she was lost once again in a world she wanted only to escape.
“Let’s not stand on formality. What the hell is going on here?” Garrett rounded on him as soon as they were down the stairs and in the living room. Blake watched his younger half-brother with piercing blue eyes that h
e had inherited from their father.
“I’m doing well. Thank you for asking.”
Blake rolled his shoulders and then ran a hand over the back of his neck. Garrett felt like a heel. He hadn’t seen Blake in almost four months and now all of a sudden Blake is here in Garrett’s house with his fiancé in their bedroom. Whatever remorse Garrett felt by treating his brother this way was now gone and replaced with irritation laced with anger.
“Are you going to tell me what is going on with you and Rayne?” Garrett spat, his temper rising as well as the heat in his body. A sweat had already broken out on his lower back.
Fear? Panic? Grief?
A great many emotions were so jumbled that it made it difficult to decipher just what was happening. He was a mess.
“Bailey sent me to check on Rayne. She missed their vet appointment at the center.” Blake’s eyes were sad. Garrett’s gut churned. “I found her in the bathroom upstairs.”
“What do you mean you found her in the bathroom? Why would you go up there?” Garrett knew he might be going a bit overboard in his interrogation, but it wasn’t something he could stop now.
“I had this feeling that something was wrong. I’m not usually mistaken so I kept looking for her.” Blake paused, clearly at war with what he wanted to say and what Garrett needed to know. “I was right by the way. There is something wrong with Rayne.”
Garrett took on a more rigid stance with his hands braced on his hips. His fingers pressed against the heavy jean fabric. His heart was racing at breakneck speed.
“Did she tell you?” Garrett’s question was out before he could hold it back. It wasn’t something he wanted to talk about or think about really.
“The basics I guess. I saw the test and I suppose you know what that is all about then.” Blake never took his eyes off his brother’s face and it was the wall of understanding that nearly undid Garrett. It was much easier to be angry.
“Damn it, Blake! It is not your place to go poking around in our lives. Rayne and I will figure it out.”
There was the gauntlet that had to be thrown.
“Well if it isn’t my place, then it should be yours! YOU should be the one upstairs with her when she completely falls apart. YOU should be there when she just needs someone to hold her and console her.” Blake’s voice never raised much past a normal talking tone. Still it was amazing at how thoroughly the point was coming across.
“Blake! It kills me to see her like this. It is devastating to see her wanting something so badly and no way to give it to her.” Garrett took off his hat and threw it on the table. He scratched his head in anguish. “I’m exhausted from trying. She’s an emotional wreck. We are getting married in a couple of months and that isn’t even the focus.”
Blake watched him carefully and those blue eyes previously connected to his own father, Garrett saw the wisdom there too. Maybe things weren’t all starlit nights and first kisses. Maybe something good could come from this all anyway.
“I love her, Blake. Sometimes it just hurts too badly to think about anything else.” Garrett turned sideways towards the table and placed a hand on the back of the chair. His heart was still racing.
“Rayne wants answers, but they won’t make her feel better. She needs your love, Garrett. She needs it in the worst way and that means never doubting it.” Blake took a deep breath and pressed his lips together as he moved around Garrett towards the door. Stopping under the threshold, Blake reached out and squeezed Garrett’s shoulder.
“Go on up there.” Blake threw his chin toward the stairs and looked up at Rayne’s closed bedroom door. Then his brother was gone and Garrett was left still staring up. Closing his eyes, he said a prayer and did as his brother commanded.
CHAPTER SIX
They had been together for nearly a year, he and Rayne. Some would say that it was fast, but it had never bothered him. He was a man who knew exactly what he wanted the moment he saw her. Rayne Randall sat atop that horse with her feminine body hidden under layers of warm clothes and snow piling up on the brim of her hat. Garrett would never forget the second he saw those golden eyes. They were frank and irritated at him for being stuck in the middle of a South Dakota blizzard. Oh yea! That meeting could never be paired with chance because fate had had a hand in it.
Garrett nudged the bedroom door open and watched the bed—their bed. Convincing her to sleep up here had been quite a challenge considering the whole house had been one giant sore spot in Rayne’s life. The loss of a beloved mother and then the guilty estrangement of her father until his death had brought her to this house. It hadn’t felt like home until she decided to stay and had asked Garrett to stay as well.
Now she retreated up here to privately grieve all the closed doors and discouraging words of nearly every local doctor. His heart ached, but not nearly as much as Rayne’s. To say that carrying and giving life to a child was paramount to Rayne might be a slight understatement. She wanted it in the worst way.
“Rayne?” He had to clear his throat and decided to do the only thing he knew how to do. Toeing his boots off beside the door, he padded in stocking feet to his side of the bed. If she knew that he was there, she didn’t show it. Sitting on top of the blue paisley comforter, Garrett slid in behind her and ran his palm over her hip to her thigh. Rayne was still fully dressed minus her boots beside the bed. The fleece throw was tucked around her so that only her hair was visible. Fitting their bodies together was easy. They had been designed for one another. Healing the emotional damage was much harder.
“Rayne?” He tried again. His heart squeezed and his throat felt raw as if he too had been crying. He felt her pain acutely and he only wanted to relieve it. She was convinced that having sex as frequently as rabbits would cause some sort of miracle. The last few months had been stressful where they should have been all about falling in love.
Garrett’s thoughts turned inward and he closed his eyes to better hear his father’s words.
“Son, you gotta stop trying. Too much pressure can do as much damage as anything else. All you can do is love her and let God handle the rest.”
Garrett had listened and took to heart what his father was telling him. Five days ago Travis Johnson proved that at any time something completely temperamental and without sense could alter any portion of your life, if you got to keep it. Wasting it worried, terrified, and angry made it too short. He couldn’t change the past nor would he live in it. This was all about their future and by God, he was going to save it. Garrett began to form a plan in his mind as he lay next to Rayne. A feeling of hope filled his heart and he thanked his father for the wisdom shared.
“Please don’t make me sound like an idiot for asking.” Garrett’s voice grouched on the phone as he looked outside the kitchen window. A heavy frost had come overnight and blanketed everything. Only reaffirming that it was winter in South Dakota.
“That’s rich coming from you. You’re the one asking your fiancé’s ex-husband to come back to Hot Springs to take over her practice so that you can romance her before your wedding!”
Royal Bentley could be an ornery son-of-a-gun. That was cleaning it up more than a bit. Rayne’s ex-husband had tried to win her back when she first returned to Hot Springs to bury her father. Garrett had even punched him for it. It was possible that he had completely lost his mind asking Royal to come back and help them out.
“Out of all the people on this planet, Royal you know what Rayne is like and how badly she wants children. You know how it destroyed her to miscarry your baby.”
Garrett took a tight breath in as he planted his palm on the worn Formica countertop. It wasn’t easy making this plan or deciding who he could trust. He had hoped that Royal would still have feelings for Rayne. Enough to want to see her happy at the very least.
“It destroyed us.” Royal’s strained words slithered along Garrett’s spine. It was a worry that he harbored. Losing a baby had been the sole reason for her previous marriage and once that was gone, there was nothing
left for them.
Of course, Royal wasn’t exactly a one-woman man.
“Rayne isn’t something that I can stand to lose and this is the only way I can think to withstand the hellish torment we are both going through.” Garrett made his plea. If it wasn’t manly enough, well then that was tough. This was real.
Royal was quiet on the end of their call. No doubt he was also reliving the mess Rayne had been and how their marriage had disintegrated very nearly over night. Rayne had occasionally talked about Royal’s fascination and almost insatiable need to be with other women. It had been shared to ease Garrett’s ego when Rayne and Royal talked on the phone. They maintained contact, but Rayne insisted they were merely friends. Garrett was afraid that he might be just another friend if he couldn’t pull them out of this slump.
“You aren’t going to blame me if this all goes south, are you?” Royal’s question didn’t contain the malice that in typical Royal fashion it normally would have. Garrett wasn’t unaware of the jibes the jerk took at him from time to time.
“If I lose Rayne, it will be my own fault.”
His gut twisted and his fingers tightened on the phone in his hand. What else was there really to say? After a few seconds of silence, Royal continued.
“I need to put some things in motion here. I’ll be up there in about a week.” Royal’s voice was strictly business and for that Garrett was thankful. There wasn’t a touch of gloating.
“Great. Anything you need just let me know.” Garrett said goodbye and clicked off the phone. He left the receiver on the counter and he opened up the kitchen door. The cool air was just what he needed to help him think.
He looked over to the newly shingled barn and the brand new boards now holding the fencing of the pen together. As he looked over everything he had manually worked hard to get into order, he couldn’t quite see how this was going to play out. For every action there is a reaction. It was the reaction he was afraid to face. Although if he stood by and did nothing, that would also be his fault. Taking a deep breath to fill his lungs, Garrett closed his eyes and prayed. He prayed he knew what he was doing and he prayed that Rayne trusted him enough to try. He also prayed that his father was on the mend in a week or he had just invited Rayne’s ex-husband up to Hot Springs for nothing.