TakeItOff

by Taylor Cole

  Speed Bumps

  Life in the fast lane takes its toll in many ways. We worked with a guy once who had just started dancing after waiting tables for a while at the club. He immediately found success. Very handsome and tall, he was loving life. He landed a tipper/girlfriend (a stripper) and she started to hook him up. New truck one week, new clothes and shoes the next. A motorcycle came shortly after. He would come to work bragging about hitting a hundred and twenty to a hundred and thirty miles per hour on his bike. We all warned him, but he didn’t listen. It was a sad day when we heard the news. He was racing his bike and crashed it. Shattered his pelvis and bled internally until he died.

  There was another dancer from Iran. He had a 300ZX and drove like a bat out of hell. He ended up crashing that car and totaling it. Walked away without a scratch. We all told him he was blessed and should slow down. I rode with him once and he was doing ninety to a hundred in traffic!

  He ignored our advice and bought another 300ZX that was even faster. The previous owner of the car was his friend who had shot himself in the head in that car in front of his girlfriend’s strip club. We all told him that car was cursed, but he didn’t listen.

  One night we got the news that he died in a car crash. We knew it would happen, just not the way it did. He was a passenger, and the driver lost control and crashed on the passenger side of the car, crushing him.

  Chapter Eight: Stripper Legends and Tall Tales

  You hear a lot of stories backstage about a guy who knew a guy. Sometimes maybe you put your own spin on them and pass them on. A few of the classic ones have been around for years and refuse to die. Others are so outrageous they can’t be true. Except for one thing—you know they’re true because they happened to you.

  Full Bush Monty

  Years ago in Lubbock, Texas, a famous male exotic touring group was arrested for simulating a sexual act. (This could be merely a hip thrust toward a female.) Each town or state had different laws about how we could perform, and this town was one of the stricter places.

  One of the dancers arrested was a friend of ours and soon after that show, he had another problem in Arizona at a civic center. The tour bus pulled up and the guys unloaded the trailer. It was a new venue, and they had arrived a few hours early for the setup. When they walked in, they realized it was a three-hundred-sixty-degree amphitheater and the stage was about five feet off the ground. The stage was circular and spun around the whole show.

  Usually this is not a big deal, but this show had an opening act requiring the dancers to turn their backs to the crowd, and drop towels to reveal bare asses in a line onstage. This was impossible on the round, rotating stage. In sheer terror, they realized they were going to have to go full Monty right off the bat.

  As they thought about how to remedy the situation, the dance captain realized he hadn’t shaved “down there” since the tour started, and there was no time now. But he agreed that the show must go on, so they decided that when the towels dropped, they all would quickly grab the ol’ cock ‘n’ balls, the lights would go off, and they would scurry quickly off the stage under cover of darkness.

  Just before show time, the doors opened and the crowd poured in. They packed the place. The guys were ready for another great show. In their towels, they walked in formation onto the stage. The lights came on and the crowd raged. They started the act, and everything was working just as planned. The crowd loved it. Towels dropped, and in a flash, the dancers cupped their cocks…

  Unfortunately, the lights didn’t go off! What the fuck? One guy yelled at the six-man crew as they stood naked and vulnerable. They were frozen stiff, and the cheers turned to laughter as a girl screamed, “Look at that bush!”

  The dance captain was beet red with embarrassment. Finally the lights went out and the guys ran off as fast as possible. They didn’t realize that the rotating stage would leave one guy on the opposite side of the dressing room, forcing him to jump offstage and sprint around it in front of a first row of girls. And as bad luck would have it, the lone runner was the bush guy who already wanted to commit suicide right there. He made his mad dash around the stage holding his completely flaccid hairy cock. He saw the doorway and was in full sprint for it. He was almost there when another guy reminded him that he had left his towel and boots on stage. He thought to himself, “Dumb fucking prop guy didn’t get my stuff!”

  He turned back and started his humiliating run of shame again. By now, this hysterical show was giving the crowd laughter at his expense. He finally made it to his prop area and let go of his penis so he could grab the stage and climb onto it. His naked ass was spread apart as he threw his leg up and over, giving the audience an angle of sight no man should ever show. Hairy balls dangling below his spread butt cheeks for the whole world to see. He made it up and grabbed his things. But between the boots, towel and boxer briefs, both hands were full, and there was nothing to cover his nervous, shriveled, hairy privates. He jumped down and did the run of shame again.

  They finished the show, but the fantasy image the crowd once had of the guys was never recovered. As they were leaving, they walked by a group of girls outside. A dancer asked if the girls enjoyed the show. One girl replied back, as she giggled, “We definitely got our money’s worth.”

  Fake Cop, Real Cop

  Once, we were getting ready for a strip-o-gram and parked down the street to put the finishing touches on our cop outfits. As we were doing this, a squad car pulled up. The cops made us put up our hands, frisked us at gunpoint and threatened to arrest us for impersonating police officers. They didn’t believe us when we told them that we were preparing for a strip-o-gram. We pleaded with them and gave them the address of the place we were supposed to appear.

  Two more squad cars pulled up and surrounded our car, and the original two cops went to the address we gave them to check out our story. After about twenty minutes, they came back with their uniforms crooked and askew. They were laughing and said the women at the party had thought they were the strippers. They let us go and told us to have a good time.

  Rookie Initiation Blues

  There was this guy you would have to see in order to fully appreciate his size. He was that rare combination of tall and muscular. If you knew him, he was a gentle giant, a super nice stoner.

  However, if you were a rookie, it was a show for everyone but you. On a few occasions, this six-foot-five guy would walk up to a rookie in the dressing room, dead serious, not cracking a small smile, and at the top of his lungs yell, “Touch my cock, rookie!”

  Shocked and not sure what to do, the rookie would usually just stare at this stone-faced giant. “Just do it!” he commanded again. At this point the rookie was in a state of disbelief, wondering if he would rather look gay to the guys or get beat up by this scary dude.

  Then the big guy grabbed the rookie by the back of his head and yanked him forward, knocking their foreheads together. The poor rookie was usually about to cry at this point. He finished off by yelling loudly at the rookie,”Arrrggghhh! I hate these fucking rookies!”

  Inevitably, they had a deer-in-headlights look. If he decided the rookie was cool, he ended the joke with a smile and laugh, but if he didn’t, the joke continued for up to a week, terrorizing the rookie.

  Another favorite prank is to send a rookie on a strip-o-gram to a gay bar. The instruction would be as follows: Go to this address. This is a surprise for the birthday girl so just go to the middle of the dance floor and rip off your clothes!

  After about a minute, the guy usually notices only guys are watching, and they are a little too happy to see him. One guy actually danced a full song before realizing where he was.

  Sometimes when a rookie came to the back, we bum rushed him, dog piled him, picked him up and closed him in his locker. We told him if he broke it trying to get out, he had to pay to fix it or the owner would fire him. He usually stuck it out for about five minutes before we let him out.

  At the first club where we worked, if you weren’t a v
eteran, you’d better not pass out in the back. Even knowing that, many times some fool still did, either from too much alcohol or too many drugs. When he passed out, the damage done to him depended on how much the other guys respected him. If a vet of many years passed out, he got a pass. However, when a rookie did, it was epic! One time, a guy who had been there over a year passed out around one in the morning. The guys took off his clothes and wrote obscene epithets all over his body with a Sharpie. But the worst time was when they took a gorilla costume, laid it out like there was someone in it, and put the mouth of the gorilla mask over the dancer’s cock, making it look as if the gorilla was sucking him off. Photos were taken. Another time, two rookies passed out and they were stripped naked and put in the sixty-nine position.

  There used to be a bench press in the locker room. Whenever a guy was about to go onstage, he would “pump up”. When a rookie was back there, a guy would get under the bench press machine and act as if eight reps were impossible. Mind you, it was only one hundred and thirty-five pounds.

  So the guy would get off the bench, looking all defeated and home in on the rookie. “I bet you can’t do six!” he would challenge.

  The rookie always accepted. At this point, everyone back there would start gathering around the bench press. There were all kinds of bets going on while the confident rookie prepared to show his strength! One…two…three…four…he did with ease. But after he finished the fifth rep, the guys held down the barbell on his chest and pinned him there, while a few of the others whipped out their cocks and beat his forehead with them. Just about the funniest thing we ever saw!

  Once we told a new guy on a roadshow that it was mandatory to tie off. He was really nervous because it was his first show. We gave him a Playboy and some rubber bands. I got in one stall and another guy in the third stall, with the rookie in the middle. We started making noises like we were jerking off to make him believe we were all tying off. We made so much noise, we completely distracted him to the point he couldn’t get it up. The pressure was too much. After a couple minutes, we rushed him by saying we were up next for a group act. He came out of the stall exhausted and sweaty with rubber bands all around his half-limp cock and balls.

  Dicking Around

  One dancer we knew had to whip out his cock constantly. It was a phase he was going through, apparently. He got really creative about it too because after sooo many cock shots, the guys knew to expect it and learned to avoid it. The guy started putting cock holes in everything he could. “Hey, you thirsty?” he would ask an unsuspecting victim. Holding a foam cup in his hand, he took the lid off and showed his penis sticking through the bottom of the cup and said, “It’s a penis colada!” He also started making outfits and costumes for his penis and drawing faces on it. There was penis Elvis, penis puppet and the penis party hat.

  Something about a Man in Uniform

  On a packed Saturday night, a group was at the club to celebrate a birthday party. Everyone was having a good time when one of the girls had an epileptic seizure from the strobe lights. The place was so packed with women going wild that only the party and surrounding crowd saw her go down. The girls she was with dialed 9-1-1. In a short time, firemen and paramedics showed up. When they walked in, the crowd started cheering, thinking they were part of the show.

  Looking around confused and surprised, one of the firemen started moving his shoulders up and down to the beat. The crowd got louder. Then the other cracked a smile and put his hands in the air. Now the crowd was really loud, and the firemen seemed to instinctively start pelvic thrusting. They worked their way through the crowd, still smiling and pelvic thrusting until they got to the girl on the floor. By the time they got out of the place, they had dollars stuffed in their pants and shirts. No doubt it was a distress call they will always remember!

  Dumb and Dumber

  Sometimes we performed at Latin clubs throughout the metropolitan area, usually at midnight on weekdays. They hired us to attract more girls to their clubs. One dancer always had to have the most detailed and intricate acts. One night he decided that his transformer act needed more power than the sparklers could provide. The house was packed and he was the second or third guy up. One minute into his routine he lit up a bottle rocket and fired it up into the rafters twenty feet above. The ceiling caught fire immediately. The crowd rushed out and the firemen were called. Luckily the staff was able to grab a fire extinguisher and put out the fire. Another time, a dancer who had a construction worker act tried to take his chainsaw onto the plane as a carry-on. All we could see and hear was “We need security!” We almost missed our flight.

  Think Fast

  One dancer was hooked on GHB back in the day and would frequently get pretty messed up. He was actually hilarious most of the time, but this wasn’t one of them. We were in the middle of a roadshow when I looked over at him. He was literally two inches away from the girl who was working the door, just staring her down. She was getting freaked out and let the owner know. Who just happened to be her daddy. He approached us and said, “You need to do something about your friend!” We grabbed him and pulled him across the main dance floor toward the dressing room. We had to pass in front of the stage and when we got to the very middle, he whipped out his cock and pissed on the dance floor!

  Immediately, we yell out, “It’s okay! He’s diabetic! His blood sugar is low!” Needless to say, we never performed there again.

  Shades of Deliverance

  We had a show in some very small Texas town in the middle of nowhere, population nothing. We were starving and the only place we could eat was a double-wide trailer made into a restaurant. We had a black dancer with us, and I don’t believe they were too happy about that. They made a point of serving him last, and we couldn’t wait to get out of there. When we arrived at the show, which was in a dive bar, we saw a guy getting a tattoo in front of the place—literally getting inked by the front door. It was a weird town, but the show ended up being pretty good.

  Great Balls of Fire

  Working in a strip club is a little like being in a fraternity. Guys like to play pranks on each other, and the Icy Hot G-string is one of our favorites. A guy will take a shower and leave his G-string on the counter, and someone will grab it and rub the inside down with Icy Hot. When he puts it on, his balls and ass will feel like they are on fire.

  Once, a guy was doing the shower act on stage, which required him to take everything off and cover himself with a just a towel. When he dropped the G-string by the back of the stage, we grabbed it, filled it with the Icy Hot, and watched him put it back on in the middle of his act onstage. He made it through the stage performance but had to run to the back as soon as he got off. He was a good sport about it. He had previously pranked me, so I owed him one. During my act, I put a towel around my waist and took off my bottoms. I was totally naked underneath and he came up to my stage and stole my bottoms. It was kind of hard to collect tips wearing nothing but a towel.

  Borrower Beware

  There was this one dancer who was a friend but was always using my expensive cologne. I’d always say something but in a funny, not serious, way. Still, I watched my expensive cologne dry up. This guy wouldn’t just spray a couple times, he would bathe in it! Plus, this was my scent and I loved the compliments I got for wearing it and didn’t really want to share it. So one day I devised a plan to buy the cheapest and strongest cologne I could find at my local drugstore. English Leather was my choice. Just a dab will do you! I took the cologne and put it in an empty cologne bottle I had held for such a purpose.

  That night at work, just like every day before, the guy came to my locker right before he was due onstage and grabbed the cologne. He sprayed all over his body and a few extra sprays at his crotch area! I saw him make a funny face and I just lost it! I laughed so hard. He looked at me, not sure what was going on. Another second passed and he was starting to choke on the horrible scent that is Old English Leather! He looked at me and yelled, “What the fuck is this?” I
laughed even harder. He was about to step onto the stage smelling like an old man times ten! He ran to the sink and tried to wipe himself with a wet towel but that didn’t get the smell off him. He had to go onstage and from the look on his face, was not too happy. He never borrowed my cologne again!

  Reality Bites

  After a busy Friday night, as a dancer was saying goodbye to his customers, the lights came up and he saw something in the corner. Thinking it might be something valuable, he went to inspect. As he got closer, he realized that it was a set of dentures! Someone had actually lost their dentures! The club got a call the next day. The caller said, “This is gonna seem really weird but did anyone find a set of dentures?”

  Don’t Look Up

  When you’re dealing with guys who take off their clothing for a living, you’re going to have some warrants out on them, whether it’s a driving violation or fighting charge. Needless to say, whenever Vice would come in, the DJ would have a code phrase like “Billy, check sound,” and all the dancers who had warrants would go up in a secret hole in the backroom attic and wait until the cops left. What a photo that would make. A bunch of half-naked guys hiding in the rafters.

  Good News, Bad News

  Going onstage is actually a great feeling, but sometimes could make you a little nervous, give you diarrhea. Fortunately, there was a private bathroom in the dressing room that a guy could use before going onstage. Unfortunately, more than once, a guy had toilet paper sticking out of his thong.

  Flipped Out

  One dancer we knew was great at doing flips and break dancing. One day on the main stage, he decided to pull out a new move and do a suicide. A suicide is where you run toward a wall, step up onto it and force back in order to do a backflip. He had done this before, just not onstage. As the women were cheering him on after the first few flips, he ran toward the back wall and put his foot into the wall and through the drywall.