It Always Rains in November

by Richard Hoffman

  Janice nodded. “Well, that’s Crouts...”

  “If this rubbish carries on, I will stop the audit and explain to the directors here exactly why. They can all discuss how shambolic this place is over their next round of golf. If the Financial Controller is incapable of preparing basic audit information, and the bosses spend all their time belittling their subordinates, I will definitely tell the world.”

  At that moment the phone rang. It was Martin Miller.

  * * *

  As soon as Janice arrived back at her desk she heard Martin Miller calling her. “Janice, in here please!”

  She walked into his office and sat down. Perched at the end of the chair, she kept her legs together. Janice did not like being in his office alone. Not that he had ever tried anything on with her, but he was a man who addressed women’s breasts rather than their faces when he spoke to them. And he smelled as if he had forgotten to have a shower for a few days, though he wore smart suits, and changed his shirt daily. The probable source was the sweat patches under his arms. All this would be enough to render him an unpleasant example of the male species, even without the bogie snacking.

  Furthermore, his ex, Sue from cashiers, was a greedy, gold-digger who had been promoted by Martin at the expense of two of Janice’s friends.

  Given this background, Martin attempting to ally with Janice was not his most insightful move. He came straight to the point.

  “Janice, these downloads that the auditors need. You must know by now that Carl has refused to do the work. I know you and him are an item, so if you can encourage him to assist me it will benefit all of us.”

  Janice stared at him in disbelief.

  “What? Why? He’s not going to listen to me and he’s going to wonder why I’m...”

  “What if I said five hundred pounds for you if you...?”

  Janice gasped. “What?”

  “If you help me out, I can make sure that your pay review is £500 higher than it would otherwise have been.”

  She thought for a moment. “That’s a kind offer, Martin, but I’d have to tell Carl.”

  “I don’t care what you tell him. As long as he does the work.” Martin was sounding more and more desperate.

  “It doesn’t make sense, though. What’s in it for Carl?”

  “He’s being an idiot by refusing, and he’ll end up on a disciplinary or losing his job. You make him see that he’s wrong. He’ll listen to you.”

  Janice folded her arms across her ample bosom. “So you think I’ll only help my friend if I’m paid to?”

  Martin’s right hand had begun its journey to his nasal cavity. Janice kept her eyes fixed to the floor, until it was all over. Martin licked his lips.

  “The money is an incentive for you to do the right thing, that’s all. Carl will listen to you. You’re his bird.”

  His bird! This man was the pits, but she had an idea forming. “I don’t know Martin...all seems a bit...”

  “OK – one thousand pounds. Your pay will increase from £25,000 to £26,000 per year if you persuade him.”

  Janice unfolded her arms, sat forward, and smiled. “I’ll tell you what, Martin. £1,000 paid to me out of expenses, like the directors always get. Tax free and paid to me in a lump sum as soon as Carl does the work.”

  Janice’s intention was to be split the money with Carl.

  “It’s a deal.” He offered her his right hand.

  She looked at it, but couldn’t reciprocate.

  “No need to shake, Martin. I trust you.”

  As Janice returned to her desk, she caught Martin Miller’s eye. He winked at her. Janice felt slightly nauseous.

  * * *

  “Not another meeting, Marie. What’s this one for?”

  “Don’t be daft, Louis. We need a meeting to sort out whether there is any work to ...”

  Louis spoke through gritted teeth “Yeah, OK, but do I have to go? I sat there like a lemon in yesterday’s farce.”

  “If I have to suffer this pain, then you do as well. You’ve got nothing else to do anyway.”

  “I could go...”

  “It won’t be as bad today,” Marie reasoned. “Jeffrey Parker isn’t going to be there. It’s you, me, Martin Miller, Janice who was down here before and the Finance Manager, who you’ve met but I haven’t yet.”

  “Yeah, I’ve seen him but don’t know his name. Seems OK, might be a bit of a knob working for those two twats.”

  “If we can’t get the data we need after this, we have to stop the audit. I’ll write a report for the directors, explaining what a crock of shit this place is and you and me will have to be given another audit client.”

  The phone rang. Marie only said, “OK we’ll be upstairs at 12,” and then to Louis, “We’re on in ten minutes. Either they do the business or we’re down the pub this afternoon.”

  * * *

  Carl and Janice were sat at their desks discussing the forthcoming meeting. The three piece assembly included Marion and she was a silent observer.

  “So you’ll do it then, Carl?”

  “For £500, why not? But you didn’t have to give me half your bonus.”

  “It’s a bonus for you doing the work. Of course you should have it.”

  Carl shook his head. “Miller must be desperate for a result. Arse licking Jeffrey Parker must be so important to him. Sorry about the language, Marion.”

  “That’s fine,” she replied, smiling at him. “I’ve heard worse, from you sometimes.”

  “What about saying sorry to me?” Janice leaned over to him, in a mocking tone. “I might have been offended. Or am I too common?”

  Carl grinned. “You have heard a lot worse, usually from me.”

  “Martin probably wants to impress the auditor. I’ve heard she’s very attractive,” Marion observed.

  “Is sh...”

  “Try not to look so excited,” Janice warned not impressed by Carl’s enthusiastic reaction at the prospect of a pretty auditor.

  “I wasn’t. I was just surpri...”

  “Yes, well, be...just be....”

  Marion was a keen participant now. “Don’t sound so excited about the prospect of meeting an attractive woman, Carl. Janice wants you to make her feel special.”

  “I didn’t...I do...I...”

  The two women looked at each other and smiled. Carl was saved by Miller calling them from his office.

  “OK, you two, I have the auditors coming up to my office in a few minutes. Can you both come in now and bring your chairs.”

  Martin’s office was a reasonable size, but not on the grand scale of his boss. Four visitors could not sit comfortably. Carl and Janice positioned themselves in front of the other two chairs, so the auditors would be sat at the back, behind them. Martin Miller would sit looking out at his uncluttered desk and the four guests.

  “Now, before the auditors arrive, are you going to carry out this work, Carl?”

  “Yes, OK. Janice has persuaded me.”

  Martin sat back in his chair. He pushed his glasses back on his nose, looking surprised.

  “Right, well. That’s sorted. Easier than I expected. Shows that a bloke will soon compromise his principles for sex.”

  “What did you…?”

  “Martin, you can’t….”

  “Shh, the auditors are coming. Now remember, a united team please.”

  * * *

  Martin beckoned Marie and Louis inside. “Presumably you have all met each other; the auditors have been on site for a few days…”

  His words tailed off. Louis mumbled ‘hi’ and took a seat and Marie and Janice exchanged smiles. As soon as Marie spotted Carl, she stopped dead. They gawped at each other.

  “Carl, you can put your tongue back in. Janice won’t appreciate you ogling another woman,” Martin quipped, heedless of the change in atmosphere.

  “I wasn’t…”

  “Let’s start the meeting. You can sort your l
ove lives out afterwards.”

  Janice turned sideways on her chair, so she faced away from Carl. Agreeing with Martin for once was something she had not anticipated. She was nonplussed, because here was a man she had been going out with for two days, letching at another woman. And, Marie, with her Dolce & Gabbana outfits or whatever they were, had encouraged him. Bitch. Janice imagined Carl comparing the two of them. ‘Bet he thinks she’s an eight and I’m only a 6, or maybe 6.5.’

  Louis and Marie were squashed behind Carl and Janice, laptops on their knees. When Janice moved her chair she caught Marie’s leg. Marie swore under her breath and rubbed her leg. Janice didn’t apologise. Marie readjusted herself, and felt something sticky on her hand as she touched the underside of the chair. Chewing gum, or maybe one of Martin’s bogies. No tissue, she wiped it on the back of Janice’s chair. In doing so, she dropped her laptop and papers. The screen cracked. Marie swore again. Louis put his laptop on the floor so he could assist. He banged his head on Carl’s chair as he bent down.

  “Are you OK?” Marie asked.

  “Yeah, I’ll live, but what about you? Looks like you’ve seen a ghost.”

  Martin cut across their conversation. “Can we start please? I know it’s a bit cosy in here, but try not injure yourselves at the back.”

  Carl turned round and caught Marie’s eye. He mouthed the word “what?” to her and held out his arms, but was unable to pose an intelligible question. Marie shook her head and Janice was glaring at him. Catching sight of Marie, Janice turned round and scowled at her. Louis looked at all three exchanging frosty stares and frowned. He had no idea what the hell was going on.

  Martin appeared oblivious to much of the looks being exchanged, because he was concentrating on the notes he had prepared. He began outlining that under his stewardship Marie and Louis would receive all the required data for the audit.

  “Carl, you are clear about what is required?” he asked.

  With an effort, Carl pulled his attention back to the meeting.

  “Yes, I’m OK to do the work, thanks to Janice.”

  “OK, good. I…”

  “Maybe I won’t share that bonus now.” Janice’s words came out clipped, as she spoke directly to Carl.

  “What do you mean, ‘share the bonus’?” Martin challenged “I gave…”

  Carl addressed Janice, ignoring his boss. “Ah, come on Jan, I…”

  Janice was hurt by Carl’s response to Marie. They’d been going out a few days, and first pretty woman he sees, he’s undressing with his eyes. She was about to have a go at him. Simultaneously, Marie leaned forward. She could understand why Janice was angry and wanted to explain that she was Carl’s ex-wife. Before either could speak, Martin continued talking money.

  “You’re not sharing the bonus. I won’t give it to you if…”

  Carl was quick to switch his focus against his nemesis. “No bonus. No work. You promised Janice.”

  Janice leaned forward. “He’s right. We shook on it.”

  Carl and Janice glanced at each other, united against their common enemy.

  “No. You wouldn’t shake hands,” Martin argued triumphantly. “Remember?”

  Janice sighed. This was becoming so tiresome. “Yes, but we agreed. Just because we didn’t physically…”

  Martin reddened, used his pen to point at Janice as he persisted. “We didn’t shake. And you can’t give it to Carl. That’s the end…”

  Carl got up from his seat. “No bonus. No work. Find some other mug.”

  As he stood up, he pushed his chair back and caught Louis’ leg. Louis swore, and rubbed his leg. Carl muttered an apology. Marie was shaking her head and tutting, not out of sympathy for Louis. The bickering was so juvenile.

  “I’m sorry, but this is crazy. We have an audit to carry out and you’re talking about bonuses and hand shaking before we have the data. It’s ridiculous.”

  Martin did his best to address her calmly. “Marie, please, don’t be concerned. You’ll have the data.”

  Carl remained in the schoolyard. “No, you won’t, Marie. He can’t do it, and I won’t.”

  Martin continue to wave his pen, this time at Carl. “Well, if you don’t, the audit is effectively at a standstill.” He paused for a moment, and looked at Marie, expecting her to support him. “The auditors will raise their report to the Board, blaming you entirely for your refusal to co-operate, and never mind a pay freeze, I can tell you now, Mr. Parker will have you out that door and flat on your arse, which is where your useless backside deserves to be.”

  Now Marie nailed her colours to Carl’s mast. “Martin, I am sorry, but you cannot instruct or second guess my report to the Board. In all honesty any blame attached would be restricted to Departmental Heads. The ultimate responsibility is yours, not Carl’s.”

  Carl sat back down on his chair, turned round, and mouthed “thanks” to Marie. Janice glared at both of them. Louis looked from one to the other and then whispered to Marie.

  “Something going on with you three that I should know about?”

  Martin remained oblivious, now turning his pen on to Marie.

  “So, you’re going to blame me for his refusal to carry out a company request. I’ll make sure he takes the blame even if you don’t.”

  Janice resented Marie coming to Carl’s rescue. Just because she was younger, smarter, prettier and better dressed. This wasn’t fair.

  “There’s no need for anyone to take the blame.” Janice addressed her boss. “I will work with Marie and Louis to try and prepare the downloads.”

  “You don’t have to do this for me, Janice.” Carl looked at his girlfriend and touched her arm. She was so sweet. “Really, you don’t.”

  Martin had a more cynical view. “Very noble of you to try and help your boyfriend, but, to be honest, I’m not sure you’re up to it.”

  Carl was about to step in and defend Janice’s honour, but she stopped him.

  “He’s probably right, Carl. I don’t have your systems knowledge.”

  Carl turned to Martin. “So it’s back to square one then. If me and Janice can’t help you, how will you help these guys?”

  Martin sat back in his chair, put his pen down, and gloated. “I don’t know Carl. But, I’ll be advising Jeffrey that you won’t help me.”

  Marie was still trying to find a positive outcome. “That won’t help anyone, will it, Martin. You’ll blame Carl and my report will blame you.” She looked around, expecting an interruption. None came. “Why not pay the bonus, the work gets done, we finish our audit and everybody’s happy.”

  Martin sneered at Carl. “You’re a lucky man Carl, having all these women running around after you, so keen to help you out.”

  Janice swung round and glared at Marie. “Some of us are a bit too keen.”

  In doing so, the cramped conditions meant that he face was inches from her rival’s. Marie was momentarily stunned but Louis couldn’t help himself from blurting out.

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  Janice didn’t take her eyes off Marie. “She knows what I mean.”

  “I don’t want a cat fight in my office,” Martin said. Then, leering “On the other hand...”

  As much as Carl’s fantasies might have involved two women scrapping over him, he didn’t want Janice embarrassed. “Leave it Janice; we’ll talk about it later.”

  But Janice had heard enough of Marie supporting Carl and their shared looks.

  “No not later.” She pointed at Louis. “Even he’s noticed it. What’s going on between you two?”

  Martin started to laugh. “Janice, you might not get it, but I reckon Marie and Carl are about to be at it. Not that I can blame him too much – I wouldn’t push her out of bed to get to you. The way they look at each other. Not exactly professional conduct, Marie. I can’t wait…”

  Janice temporarily lost the ability to respond, when Martin insulted her. She shivered and had to stop hers
elf from crying, by taking a deep breath. Was she that inadequate and inferior compared to Marie? Thanks to Carl, the pain was about to be relieved.

  “Of course, Martin, your conduct is brilliant. Screwing the office bike until your wife found out and kicked you out – very professional. Blaming everybody else – usually me – because you’re a thick ponse who can’t do anything himself – remember those access codes YOU forgot Martin? Also very professional. Not even going to start about the creepy, nasty vibes you give all the office girls. How you could come out with that bollocks about Janice? She’s far too good to ever go near a prick like you.”

  Further pain relief immediately followed from Marie.

  “Martin, there has been no unprofessional conduct.” She took a deep breath. “Carl here, was my husband but we divorced six years ago. Neither of us realised that we were both working here, until we met at this meeting.” She stopped and tapped Janice on the shoulder, and addressed her successor. “Janice, I’m sorry that you jumped to the wrong conclusion and I know he really likes you.”

  Carl nodded in acknowledgment and Janice’s mood switched from melancholy to nirvana. She now focused on Carl – his outburst to Martin had been sharp and vicious, further jeopardizing his job and him defending her felt so good. She wanted to apologise but Martin was first to respond.

  “I’m sorry, Marie, I can’t believe you were married to him. It’s like Manchester United being with Grimsby Town. No wonder you left him. He’s got to find his own non-league level.”

  This was another implied insult to Janice but she had moved from submissive to assertive since his last attack.

  “And what does that make me, Martin? Where am I in your sexist league table?”

  “You’re with him, so work it out yourself…”

  Janice stood up and, pointing her breasts in his face, shouted at him. “Martin, you’re a nasty, bullying sexist pig. And you know why I never shook hands with you? You pick your nose and eat it. You’re a disgusting shit. No surprise that you live on your own.”

  Attempting to assert himself, Martin stood up, stabbing a finger at his subordinates.