Just the Two of Us

by Georgie Capron

  The sonographer came to collect her, calling out, ‘Lucy Johnston?’ and looking expectantly around the room. Lucy stood up and shook her hand; she followed her to one of the little private rooms upstairs. All at once she felt incredibly nervous, what if the test had been wrong? But she knew deep inside that there had been no mistake, she was certain of it now.

  As she lay on the bed and the cold gel was applied to her flat stomach, she prayed for a healthy heartbeat. Her body was full of mixed emotions, nerves and excitement in equal measure. She had to pinch herself to believe that she was about to catch her first glimpse of her own baby. As the sonographer chatted merrily away to her, she felt herself relax. Before long the image was projected on to the screen in front of her. The nurse smiled happily as she pointed out the tiny embryo in the black cavity of her womb. It looked like a little gummy bear. Lucy couldn’t believe her eyes. There was her baby, right in front of her! Her heart swelled with pride and love for this little smidgen of life. She could see the heartbeat flickering on the screen and tears rolled freely down Lucy’s cheeks as she repeated over and over again, ‘I can’t believe it! I just can’t believe it!’ The relief she felt that she was finally, undeniably pregnant was immense.

  When the scan was over, Lucy went to see the nurse who talked through the next steps with her. Everything seemed to be in order and there was nothing for Lucy to worry about, so from this point onwards she would be placed back into the care of the NHS, and the pregnancy would be treated as any natural conception would have been. The next scan would be in four weeks’ time. Lucy prayed that Rory would be back by her side by then. She resisted the temptation to call or text him, desperate to talk to him but aware that the best thing she could do right now was give him space. She was given a little photograph of the scan to keep and she stared at it all the way home, her heart swollen to bursting point with love for this miniscule little baby.

  That afternoon was spent making telephone calls. One by one she telephoned Tor, Claudia and Nicola. She told them the whole truth, leaving nothing out. They were ecstatic to hear of her pregnancy and sad but unsurprised to hear of Rory’s reaction. They all comforted her with reassurances that he would come around, especially because of the possibility that the baby could be his.

  ‘He’ll come back, Luce, I know he will,’ said Tor. ‘If not, if you have to go it alone, then you know I’m here for you… one hundred per cent,’ Tor added. ‘We all are.’

  Lucy knew that this was true; she thanked her lucky stars once more for her incredible friends.

  Ginny and Gus’s reaction was slightly different, as expected. She had to come clean about the round of treatment she had hidden from them in January. ‘Do you know what, darling, I really hate to say it but I almost feel sorry for him, I really do,’ said Ginny. ‘I blame myself for letting you go down the donor route in the first place.’

  ‘Don’t be silly, Mum, there was nothing you could have done to change my mind. Who would have thought someone like Rory would come along?’ said Lucy.

  ‘But if only we hadn’t given you that money at Christmas…’ Despite their feelings of regret, they were incredibly supportive of Lucy.

  Gus, more matter-of-fact than his wife, said, ‘Look, it’s happened now, love, so there is no point having regrets. We’ll do whatever we can to help you going forward, with or without Rory.’

  They were both desperate to be grandparents, and even though the circumstances were not perfect, Lucy could tell that they were both excited at the prospect of a new member of the family arriving in seven months’ time.

  That evening, she Skyped her brother and explained all the latest developments. Nothing fazed Ollie, and he congratulated her on the happy news, excited that he would be an uncle, telling her in his karmic way not to worry, that everything happened for a reason and what would be would be.

  Before hanging up the phone to each of her friends and family members, she made them promise not to tell another soul until the twelve-week scan was safely out of the way. It was only then that she would begin to tell everyone that she was pregnant, for until twelve weeks had passed anything could happen. They promised to keep it to themselves, especially Ginny with regards to Lucy’s grandmother. Annie wouldn’t understand the situation at all. If she ended up on her own, she would just have to come up with a way of explaining things to Annie, but she would cross that bridge if and when she came to it.

  Claudia came over that evening and they talked about Rory and what to do next. ‘I’ve got faith in him,’ she said. ‘Anyone who had seen you together could see how much he loved you. I’m sure he’ll decide that he can’t live without you.’

  Lucy hoped she was right with all her heart. The thought of not seeing Rory again, of not holding him in her arms, of not hearing him laugh, was too awful to consider. She knew that it was a possibility that Rory wouldn’t come back, but she just couldn’t face the thought of going through the next seven months of pregnancy alone, without him by her side. Her eyes filled with tears at the thought. She refused to believe it could happen. They were meant to be together, of that she was completely sure. No one else had ever come close to him. Their relationship had felt different right from the start, so natural and uncomplicated.

  ‘Have you thought about maybe doing a paternity test? Can’t you do them before the baby is born these days?’ asked Claudia.

  ‘I’ve thought about it, but it seems there are always so many complications with these things. I think I’d rather wait until the baby is born.’

  Perhaps if he knew the baby was his, Rory would come around, and they could slowly build the foundations of a relationship once more and finally become a family.

  ‘I think you should wait until tomorrow to contact him,’ said Claudia. ‘After two days of silence and time to think, he might feel ready to talk.’

  Lucy agreed that this was probably the best approach. She kissed Claudia goodbye and got ready for bed, suddenly exhausted after the roller coaster of emotions that she had been on for the last two days. An early night was exactly what she needed.

  Lucy found work the next day a brand new experience. She kept on thinking about her secret, she felt unbelievably distracted from the task in hand, and had to stop herself from blurting out to everyone that she was pregnant. She decided not to mention anything about Rory to Lettie and Simon, telling them the truth about the weekend up until Sunday, then describing how ill she felt when she got home and how she had spent yesterday tucked up in bed. With no reason to doubt her, Lettie and Simon believed her story and continued to treat her perfectly normally, for which she was grateful. They did not notice the obsessive refreshing of her email inbox, or the constant furtive glances at the display window of her mobile phone, desperately hoping for Rory to contact her, to tell her everything was going to be okay. But nothing came.

  That afternoon she had a meeting with Sharon and Jack to review their social enterprise telecoms project. At the end of the meeting after Sharon had left, Jack called out her name as she was leaving, ‘Lucy, can you just hang on for a sec?’ he asked.

  ‘Sure,’ she said. It was the first time they had found themselves alone in a room together since they had spent the night with each other. It occurred to her that there was absolutely no interest left as far as Jack was concerned. Her feelings for him had well and truly disappeared. ‘Did we forget something?’ she asked.

  ‘No, no… it’s nothing to do with that.’ He looked past her to make sure the corridor was clear and lowered his voice. ‘I just wanted to let you know that Penny has asked me to move back in. We are going to give things another go,’ he said.

  ‘That’s wonderful news!’ Lucy was genuinely pleased for him. ‘I’m really happy for you. I hope it all works out for you both.’

  ‘Thanks Lucy. I appreciate it. And thank you… for your discretion…’ He looked slightly embarrassed as she nodded to show him that she understood what he was saying.

  She stood awkwardly and smiled at him, mum
bling, ‘Of course…’ She didn’t know what to say next. She hesitated by the door, not knowing whether to leave or stay and talk. Jack started shuffling his papers so she took the opportunity to say, ‘I’d better go… I’ve got a conference call in a couple of minutes…’ He nodded and she closed the door behind her and walked back to her desk. That conversation had made her feel surprisingly uncomfortable. She was glad for Jack and Penny though, and for their children. Maybe all was not lost for her and Rory. It was clearly possible to survive difficult times in a relationship if you were prepared to work at it. She just hoped that this wasn’t going to prove too much to ask of him.

  That evening she spent ages composing a text, unsure of what to say to him. In the end, she settled on:

  I hope you have had time to think, are you ready to talk? Please call me. I love you so much. I hope you are okay. L xxx

  Lucy sat by her phone for the rest of the evening, willing a message to appear on the screen or the ringtone to chime out its cheery tune. At times she would walk away, thinking of Ginny saying ‘a watched pot never boils,’ her ears straining to hear the ping of a new text, before hurrying back over to it just in case she had missed something. Still nothing came.

  She could picture Rory sitting by his fire, a glass of whisky in his hand and Rufus at his feet. She couldn’t bear to think of the inner turmoil she had plunged him into. She knew he would be torn up inside, that he wouldn’t want to hurt her but that he didn’t know what to do, how to react. If he came back to her, he would face the possibility of raising a child that was not his. The thought of him sitting there by himself made her cry; she ached for his arms to be around her, for his eyes to crinkle as he smiled at her, stroked her cheek and told her that he loved her, that nothing else mattered.

  That week, the silence continued. She tried calling him several times; she even went to his house one evening and rang on the doorbell, sitting on the steps for half an hour, just waiting. She became enraged at him, shouting through the letter box, pummelling the door with her fists, begging him to shout at her, scream at her, tell her to go to hell… anything but this silent treatment. She couldn’t bear it. She telephoned her father in tears and asked him what she should do. Gus advised her, ‘Go home, my love. You’re going to have to leave him alone. If Rory is going to come back, he will come back of his own accord, you can’t force him. It’s going to take time for him to think through his options. If it is meant to be, then sooner or later he will realize that he can’t imagine his life without you, despite the circumstances.’

  Realizing the wisdom in her father’s words, Lucy decided to stop contacting Rory. As hard as it might be, she couldn’t make him come back. He knew how much she loved him, but if he felt coerced or pressured it would make him less likely to return to her. If he did come back, he needed to know that it had been his decision, and his alone.

  Two painful, horrendous weeks of utter heartbreak had passed since Ireland. Lucy had never known pain like it. When Alex had left her she thought she had felt the depths of despair, but that was nothing compared to this. Rory was her whole world, and she loved him, she really loved him. She was painfully aware that she had chosen this path; it was her fault and hers alone that Rory was no longer with her. After Alex had left she would reassure herself with the thought that there was nothing she could have done differently, he just hadn’t loved her enough. She had taken comfort in that. Besides, she had always disliked the darker, more negative side of his personality. She had known deep down that she could have found someone better. But there was no one who could ever come close to Rory. He truly was her perfect man. There was no denying that Lucy was responsible for the situation she currently found herself in, and that hurt her almost more than she could bear. She refused to blame her baby. She already loved her unborn child with all her heart and felt fiercely protective over it, but the harrowing, heart-wrenching sorrow she felt without Rory was all-consuming. Eventually, she began to feel numb; she had no more tears left to cry.

  Before she knew it, the first week of April had arrived and Lucy was due for her twelve week scan. She had prayed and prayed that she would not have to go through this alone, but as the morning of her appointment dawned, there was still no Rory by her side. She turned down offers from Nicola, Tor, Claudia and Ginny to be there. She needed to face facts; she would be doing this alone. Rory had not even sent her a single message since they had last seen each other at the airport. Lucy had started to give up hope. But wasn’t this what she’d asked for? She was going to be a single mother and she needed to reconcile herself with that fact.

  Taking a deep breath to steady her nerves, she took her seat in the waiting room, surrounded it seemed by nothing but happy couples. She really did feel alone. It was a different environment from the clinic, and as she surveyed the smiling faces, noticing the tender glances and solidarity between the husbands and their wives as they waited for their turn, she felt deep pangs of longing for Rory wash over her.

  ‘Lucy Johnston?’ called the sonographer.

  Once again she lay in the chair as the sonographer spread gel onto her tummy.

  ‘There we go, my lovely, here’s your baby!’ she said as the picture flashed up onto the screen.

  ‘Oh my god, I can’t believe how much it has grown!’ Lucy said. She could make out a real baby now, the instantly recognizable dome of the head with a tiny body curled up beneath it. The baby’s heartbeat thudded loudly into the room. Lucy felt euphoric happiness course through her body as she realized that she was past the most risky part of her pregnancy.

  The sonographer reassured her that all was well and once again Lucy was given an image of the baby to take away with her. She wrapped her fingers around the picture in her pocket all the way home, swiftly getting out her telephone and sharing the happy news with her family and friends.

  Without thinking, she found herself heading towards Holland Park. Having wound her way through the path that led to the centre of the park, she sat down at the table in the cafe where she had first met Rory. She took out her phone once again, her heartbeat thudding in her ears, and sent a photograph of the scan to him, with a message attached.

  Just thought you should know, in case the baby is yours, I have had the twelve week scan, here he/she is. I love you. I miss you. I will always love you. L x

  The empty feeling in her heart, that she had felt constantly since he left, ached deeper than ever. She wished things could have worked out differently. Thoughts beginning with ‘If only…’ constantly drifted in and out of her mind. She felt almost crazy with the emotions that were running through her; the depths of despair at losing Rory coupled with the radiant joy of being pregnant. She felt like a madwoman teetering on the edge of hysteria.

  Suddenly overwhelmed with missing him, she got up from the table and walked briskly away. That place had too many painful memories, she needed to distance herself. She walked home and ran herself a bath, sinking slowly into the jasmine-scented water. She felt sure that her belly was beginning to look a little swollen now. Looking down at her mini bump, she told her baby how much she loved it, how she couldn’t wait to meet it. She would force herself to look forwards and not back.

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  The next week, it was her thirty-seventh birthday. Lucy woke with a start in the middle of the night with tears streaming down her face. She had been having the same recurring dream since Ireland. She and Rory were blissfully happy together, laughing and dancing, kissing and whispering sweet nothings into each other’s ears, then suddenly he faded, growing fainter and fainter until she realized that he had gone, that he wasn’t coming back. Each time, the hurt became raw again like an open wound and she would find herself crying into her pillow, unable to cope with the abyss of pain she felt at losing him.

  Slowly coming to her senses she realized that it was her birthday and smiled ironically to herself through her tears; what a way to start the day!

  She closed her eyes and went back to sleep, forcin
g herself to dream instead of her baby and the new life of motherhood she was embarking on.

  Her alarm beeped rudely and unrepentantly at 6.45 a.m., rousing her from a restless sleep. Her phone was already buzzing with messages from friends near and far, her icons blinking from Facebook, WhatsApp and all sorts of disparate social media sites, sending her birthday wishes. Lucy had always loved her birthday, but as she scanned her messages she was only looking for one name, Rory McCullan, and his was nowhere to be seen.

  Slowly waking herself up, she got dressed for work whilst listening to Chris Evans on Radio 2, his upbeat chatter was definitely the most cheerful way to start any day, and today she needed it more than ever. How strange, she thought to herself, that this was the last day she would celebrate a birthday by herself. Next year, she would have her baby with her.

  She had decided to start telling people about the baby tomorrow; she just wanted to get her birthday over and done with first before the attention fell to her pregnancy and answering all sorts of awkward questions about Rory that would no doubt follow.

  To celebrate her birthday Lettie and Simon had brought in little cakes and a bottle of champagne. Lucy accepted a glass and pretended to sip it.

  She kept her phone on vibrate all day. Her heart would leap into her mouth with false hope every time it buzzed as she raced to read the birthday greetings, hoping beyond hope that it would be from the only person that she really wanted to hear from. As the day went on she realized that the last flame of hope that had been flickering inside her was spluttering out. She had been clinging to the idea that Rory would contact her today, that he would be unable to resist the thought of her spending her birthday alone. But she realized now that he was gone. He hadn’t been able to reconcile himself with the prospect of her having a child that wasn’t his. She was heartbroken, but if she truly searched her soul she couldn’t blame him. Would she have been able to bring up a stranger’s child as if it were her own? She couldn’t be sure.