Awakening

by Rebel Miller

  “I have to go,” he mumbled, pushing me back to what seemed to be a comfortable distance from him.

  I pressed my lips together and took a deep breath. “Please come back,” I said.

  “I don’t know. I’m not sure how long this will take,” he said. But after a few seconds staring at me, he gave a tight nod before he stuffed the remainder of his things into his bag and walked toward the door.

  A scuffling noise followed by a loud, heavy thump and a muttered curse pulled me from my reverie. I dropped the comb and dashed into the Gannon’s bedroom to find him sitting on the edge of the bed, staring down at an overturned bottle of liquor as blue liquid seeped from its neck like creeping vines across the carpet. In one hand, he held an empty glass at his knee.

  I knelt in front of him to grab the bottle up. Removing my towel, I used it to sop up the liquid before it spread too far, but the color was sure to stain where it had already reached. Making a face, I glanced up at him, the damp fabric on my lap. I had never seen him look so tortured.

  “Gannon?” I held my breath.

  He ran his eyes over me and sighed before lowering himself to sit on the floor, a knee bent on either side of me. He placed the glass at his side and hooked his hands over his knees as he considered me.

  “I can’t take this, Kira. I’m losing my fucking mind.”

  I released a heavy breath. There it was: he’d had enough. I’d anticipated this, but it didn’t stop the ache that clawed sharp and deep inside me from chest to belly. “You don’t want to do this anymore?” I whispered. This was why I hadn’t wanted to tell him — to protect him, yes, but also to protect myself.

  “No, I don’t.”

  I stared at him.

  “You and I … We can’t go on like this.”

  I gulped down a deep breath and sat back on my heels, wrapping the towel around my chest. Tears threatened. “I understand.” I’d known this relationship with Gannon wasn’t meant for the long term, so I struggled to understand why my body felt so cold.

  Gannon tilted his head. “What do you understand?”

  My lips trembled. “Gannon, I would probably do the same if I were you. You have too much at stake.” I started to get up, but he held my arm.

  “Do you think I’m leaving you?” His voice rose as he spoke.

  I gave him a once-over even as tears welled in my eyes. “You’re not?”

  He pulled me to him between his legs, the strong scent of liquor wafting between us. Gannon curled his fingers into my hair and placed my head to his chest.

  “Do you hear that?” he asked. I heard the heavy pounding of his heart. It was so strong, I could feel the vibration against my cheek. “That belongs to you. Everything I am and will be belongs to you, if you want it.”

  I drew back to look at him.

  “I’m not leaving you. I will do anything and everything to be with you,” he said with a wealth of emotion that brought an alarming sheen to his eyes.

  “Gannon —” My mouth was full of so many words, they choked me.

  He cupped my face firmly between his hands. “I love you, Kira.”

  My heart took flight before tripping up into a steady yet rapid pace.

  I searched his face. “You said you don’t want to do this anymore,” I said, finally able to articulate a coherent thought.

  “I don’t want to pretend anymore.” He dropped his hands. “This pretending that we aren’t together is killing me, and it undermines what you mean to me.”

  “We know what we mean to each other. What does it matter what anyone else thinks?”

  “It matters to me that you have to bear the brunt of our being together. I despise the judgment surrounding you.”

  “I can handle it, Gannon. I don’t care.”

  “You shouldn’t have to suffer that,” he insisted with a clenched fist.

  I sighed. So he was venting, railing against the injustice of it all, as he had said. I decided to bring him back to the fact of the matter. “So,” I said, “what are you going to do about it?”

  His focus on me turned inward.

  Suspicion curled up the back of neck. “Gannon?”

  Still he said nothing.

  I shot up to lean back on my knees. As I saw into his mind, I gave him a pitying look. “Oh, Gannon, you think because my father left the Senate you can too?”

  “That’s not wh —”

  I laughed out loud. “You think leaving the Senate is some romantic fairy tale?” He was supposed to be the older, more mature one in this relationship!

  His nostrils flared.

  “Leaving your caste will only result in both of us living in hiding. What kind of life is that?” I searched the room in blind wonder. “What am I even talking about? Hiding is impossible for someone like you. You’re the high chancellor’s son!”

  Gannon’s eyes hardened as he crossed his arms over his knees. He ducked his head and looked at the bottle I had righted beside us. Liquid blue coated the bottom of it, trembling with every move we made on the carpeted floor.

  Gently, I forced his face to mine, a palm on his jaw. “Gannon, you’re the next in line to be the Realm’s high chancellor.”

  His face became thunderous. “I don’t give a fuck about titles. I want to be with you, openly, not hiding!”

  “You’re not thinking.” I tried to maintain some sense of calm.

  “I’m thinking I’ll be with you wherever and however I want.”

  “Don’t make this about me, Gannon!”

  “It is about you. It’s all about you.” He narrowed his eyes. “I fucking love you!”

  “No,” I said resolutely, straightening my spine. His eyes skated over me greedily before looking away. “You will not leave your rightful place as —”

  He snorted. “Rightful place? I’ve done nothing to deserve it except be born the high chancellor’s son.”

  I gaped at him, struggling to believe that this was the same man I drew confidence from when I needed it. “You’re an incredible and skilled leader. People are drawn to you, waiting on your next word, following without hesitation. You will become high chancellor, Gannon.”

  He licked his lips. “No,” he said quietly, a faraway look on his face.

  In that moment I knew he meant it: he would leave the Senate. That was not what I wanted for him. How could I live with myself if he left? I wrung the edge of the towel tightly between my hands.

  “If you leave the Senate,” I said, “I won’t stay. I will leave you, Gannon.”

  He blinked, returning his gaze to me. “You’re using my love for you as an ultimatum?”

  I swallowed, praying he wouldn’t call my bluff. I didn’t think I could stay away from Gannon any better than I could Tai. “Yes, if it will stop you from doing something foolish.”

  He gave me an awful look. “So what do you crave more? Me, or the power that comes with my position?”

  His head snapped to the side and I cringed at the pain that stung my palm. I had slapped him so hard, it burned. Gannon turned back to me, his cheek blooming a dull red. I gasped, covering my mouth with both hands.

  “I’m so sorry.” And I was. I couldn’t believe I had been drawn to violence. I lowered my hands and folded my fingers into my palms, trying to squeeze away the memory of it.

  “Please. Don’t ever do that again,” he said in a low voice. His politeness only emphasized his anger.

  I shook my head slightly, not sure what to say.

  After a moment, he sighed and offered me two upturned hands, beckoning me. I crawled, tail tucked between my legs, into his arms. “I shouldn’t have said that,” he said. “I’m sorry as well.”

  He rested his chin on the crown of my still damp head. We sat there lost in our thoughts for a long while before he said, “So either way, in the Senate or not, I can’t have you?”

  I tilted my head back to look at him. “But you do,” I insisted. “Just because our relationship isn’t recognized by our system doesn’t make it any less
real.”

  He rubbed a hand over my hip, watching me intently. “It isn’t real. I can’t call you my girlfriend, lover … partner.”

  Partner!

  “W— why do we have to define it?”

  “I want to know that I have you indefinitely, not just for now,” he said, still eyeing me.

  It was then I realized that he didn’t know. Gannon had told me he loved me, but I had been so focused on my own mix of emotions in response that I had left Gannon with no idea of where I stood.

  I reached a hand up to brush through his hair. “You have me for as long as you want me, Gannon.”

  He contemplated that, looking neither satisfied nor disheartened. Finally, Gannon leaned forward and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me into him. I tilted my head back to meet his mouth as it slanted over my own. My body had been craving him since the last day of the Realm Council meeting and hadn’t found any relief since. I could feel every bit of his emotion as he sank deep into my mouth.

  Gods, Gannon loved me! Even as my heart soared, my brain tried to make sense of it all. I pushed the encroaching reality of our situation away as I opened my mouth and accepted everything he had to give, not wanting to think about tomorrow.

  He pulled back after a while, his eyes hooded. “You remember when told me you were mine, that you would only be with me?” He trailed his fingers down my side.

  My breath caught as I nodded. “I’ve only been with you.”

  His lips thinned as he rounded my hips with a palm. “Perhaps I should have been clearer. You’re not allowed to kiss him either.”

  My eyes widened: he had witnessed the kiss between Tai and me earlier. He nudged my thighs open and trailed a lazy path between my legs to cup my naked sex. Immediately, my body responded, readying itself for him.

  “Do you understand now?” Gannon parted my folds, teasing before plunging two long fingers deep inside me.

  I inhaled sharply and grasped at his shoulders, sinking my nails into his skin, his shirt no doubt providing little protection. After pumping and stroking inside me, he pulled his fingers out and raised them to his mouth to suck them clean. My body writhed even after his hand had left me. I nodded, staring greedily at his mouth.

  “Good,” he said.

  He pressed me onto my back, taking my mouth again as the cool dampness of the wet carpet warmed beneath me.

  * * *

  Rhoan was in a foul mood the next morning. I called him to let him know I was okay, was staying with a friend and would return home soon. After a moment of relief, he asked whether this friend of mine was someone who was selling secrets of the Realm in exchange for a good time in bed. When I stumbled through an indignant response, he said, “You’re playing a dangerous game, Kira,” and promptly disconnected our call.

  I was still mulling over our curt conversation when I walked toward Gannon’s kitchen. A smile crept along my mouth when I saw that Tai had returned. I was about to speak but hesitated when I saw Gannon was also in the kitchen and they were in the middle of a tense discussion. I felt compelled to hold back, just at the threshold behind them.

  “There isn’t anyone else I trusted to do it,” Tai said. He drew a chair out from under the table and sat.

  “Let me know what I can do to help.” Gannon stood across from him, arms crossed.

  Tai was shaking his head before Gannon even finished his sentence. “No. It’s done. I won’t involve anyone else unless absolutely necessary.”

  “I have the means.”

  “Trust me, I know,” Tai drawled. He pulled his tablet out of his bag, unrolled it and swiped a few times. “But this is something I’ve done before. It’s better this way.”

  After a few beats of silence, Gannon relented, turning to the cooler.

  “Hi.”

  They both swung their heads around to me as I stepped into the room. Gannon came to me, placing a kiss on my cheek and a hand at my neck.

  “Morning, lahra,” he murmured, sweeping his gaze up and down my body, lighting a fire under my skin. I pursed my lips as he smirked, my nipples puckering painfully beneath the thin fabric of my shirt.

  The night before, Gannon had told me in many different ways how much he loved me. In addition to governance and law, the man was well versed in all forms of strategic persuasion, most of which were communicated to me through various demanding sexual positions.

  Wrapping my arms in front of my traitorous breasts, I pushed past him to peer into a pot on the stove. I sniffed at the delicious aroma and glanced at him over my shoulder, impressed. He snorted and came over to take the pot to the table.

  As I walked away from the stove, I stopped to place a hand on Tai’s shoulder and leaned close to his ear. “Thank you for coming back.”

  “I didn’t think I had a choice,” he grumbled. His eyes flared appreciatively as they skimmed across my face. Trying to hide my smile, I plopped into a chair beside him.

  “What were you talking about when I walked in?” I was facing Tai, but the question was open to both of them.

  The heat in Tai’s eyes banked a bit. “What do you mean?”

  “You said you’ve done this before and didn’t want to involve anyone else.”

  Tai thinned his lips and glanced at Gannon, who was intensely focused on plating our meals, before answering me. “The Corona will be leading a small diplomatic envoy heading to Septima within the next week. I’ve been asked to protect Aresh Ambassador. She’s agreed to meet with Argon leadership.”

  I sat forward. “This is good news, isn’t it? It means there could be some truce between the factions and the Realm.”

  “Only if the meeting goes well,” Tai said cautiously.

  “But that’s a long shot, Kira,” Gannon said, heaping vegetables and meat on my plate and placing a platter of sweetbread in front of me. All Above, was he expecting a famine to hit Prospect Eight over the next few hours? There was no way I could finish all that food. “The Corona won’t go back on her decision without a fight,” he added.

  Tai snorted. “She would probably throw the Realm into a black hole before doing that.” He started to dig into his own mountain of food.

  “Eat,” Gannon ordered me as he sat on my other side.

  He didn’t have to tell me twice. I hadn’t eaten since I arrived. I picked up a fork and tasted a small bite. It was purely divine. I took another, much larger, bite. After a few moments enjoying the meal, I licked my lips and groaned long and deep.

  “Gannon, did you put curran in this?” I asked before lifting my gaze to find both Gannon and Tai staring at me. I raised an eyebrow. Gannon sent me a heated look while Tai cleared his throat and resumed eating.

  Gannon nodded. “Yes, I did,” he said with a grin and started to eat as well.

  I was hungrier than I’d thought. I finished my meal in no time, wolfing it down with sighs of great appreciation as they ate in respectful silence.

  “And here I was thinking the protector would be the one to eat me out of house and home.” Gannon leaned in, resting his chin on a fist as he surveyed what was left of my meal, which was only the savory sauce. “Would you like some more?”

  “No, thank you. It was delicious.”

  Gannon smiled, reached for my plate and got up to go to the stove.

  The morning light pouring through the windows cast a brilliant rainbow across the kitchen. The colors bounced off the crystal in the ceiling light fixture, a more modest version of the one in the room where I had met the Corona. The thought served to remind me of Gabriel and everything else hitting the fan in my life. I sought comfort in my hair, wrapping a lock of it around my finger.

  “Stop worrying, Kira,” Tai said, gently pulling my hand from my hair.

  Gannon’s eyes met mine then shifted over to Tai. “She’s worrying?”

  “She does that” — he nodded toward me — “when she worries.” My other hand had found its way to the other side of my hair.

  Gannon leaned a hip against the counter, arms c
rossed. “Huh. I thought she did that she was turned on, but, yeah, that makes a lot more sense.”

  I dropped my hand, slanting him a withering look as Tai sent him a forbidding one.

  “What are you worried about?” Gannon asked, returning to the table.

  “Should I choose just one of the many reasons?”

  “Yes,” he said, either truly oblivious to my sarcasm or choosing to be.

  “I’m scared to go back to the Judiciary today.”

  “You’re not going back to the Judiciary today,” Gannon stated as if by decree, and placed another heaping plate of food in front of me. I balked at both it and his declaration, but he ignored me and retook his seat.

  Tai gave me a disbelieving look. “You thought you were going to work?”

  “That’s what people do, yes.”

  “After what that senator fuck did to you?” He raised an eyebrow.

  I hesitated but found my footing. “I can’t hide. I won’t. I’ll file a report as soon as I get in.”

  Gannon and Tai flipped each other a look then resumed eating.

  “Tai, you were a subordinate before entering the Protectorate,” Gannon began. “Are all subordinate females this high-maintenance?” he asked before shoveling in another mouthful of food.

  “No. Only this one,” Tai grumbled, eyeing me over the rim of his glass.

  “Lucky me.” Gannon’s eyes glittered with poorly controlled humor.

  I rolled my eyes then glanced down at my plate. Despite my good intentions, I picked up the fork and ate.

  “You don’t think they’ll take my report seriously?” I asked them, my uncertainty building.

  “I think they’ll try,” Gannon replied, “but he’s a senator, Kira. There’s not much they would be willing to do.”

  “They wouldn’t be willing to give him what he deserves, at least,” Tai added, his eyes dark and on me.

  I mulled that over. “They’ve tightened security at the Judiciary. I think they might have a new protocol for employee welfare.”

  “I wouldn’t bank on that,” Gannon muttered. “They’ve got a far way to go in terms of security.”