Undescribable

by Tessier, Shantel

  “Come on.” He lets go of me and gets out of the car. I watch him walk around the front of the car and open my door for me. He helps me out and doesn’t let go of my hand as we walk to the door. I take a few breaths before I decide to knock instead of just walking in.

  This is not my home anymore.

  I hold my breath as I hear the door unlock. I can’t move. Mom was always small, but she seems to look even smaller. I don’t know, it’s hard to tell with the baggy man’s t-shirt she is wearing and black baggy sweatpants. She’s wearing a white ball cap with her hair pulled through the back. I notice her hair is a darker brown and shorter than she used to keep it.

  She seems like my mother. The same woman. Yet different in a way I can’t explain.

  “Hello, Samantha.” She smiles at me, but I don’t return it. “Slade.” She reaches out her hand.

  He shakes it. “Nice to meet you, Mrs. Bennett.”

  “Please, call me Marie. Please, come inside.” She slowly steps aside to allow us in. Slade has to nudge me through the doorway.

  Once inside, she shuts the door and turns to us. “Can I get you two anything to drink?” she asks as she walks away from the door down the hallway.

  “No thank you,” Slade answers. I just shake my head. I’m afraid to speak. I may start yelling at her and cussing, or I may run to her and cry like a baby. Neither one would be good, so I keep my mouth shut.

  “Come. Let’s go sit in the living room.”

  I notice nothing has changed. Everything is the same, except I don’t see any pictures of Gary. Husband number four.

  Slade sits down on the couch and I walk over to the fireplace. I look up and stare at my father’s urn that sits on her mantel. I never understood why he had in his will that he wanted to be cremated, and I found it odd that my mother wanted his ashes.

  I walk over to the couch and sit down next to Slade and stare down at the floor. I don’t want to be here. It just feels so wrong; like a lie. I raise my head when Slade squeezes my hand as my mom comes back to join us.

  “I need to give you this before I forget.” She hands me an envelope. I raise my eyebrows as I look up at her and take it from her hand. She sits down slowly in the recliner and looks at me.

  I remove my hand from Slade’s and open it up. I stare at a check for four hundred and eighty thousand dollars. I continue to stare at it as I shake my head. “I don’t understand,” I rasp out.

  “It’s every dollar you ever sent me,” my mom explains.

  “What? Why?” I can’t take my eyes off of it.

  My mother sighs, pulling my eyes away from the check to hers. “I need to tell you something. And I need you to listen to everything before you speak, okay?” She slides a look to Slade who is sitting so close to me that I can feel his body stiffen as she looks at him.

  I nod my head.

  “Samantha, I’ve been trying to save you. I thought I was doing the right thing. I still think it was the right thing.” She puts her head down as if this is killing her to admit. She lifts it up to look at me again. “Your Dad and I had a wonderful relationship and a perfect marriage. Well, the first couple of years of it anyways. It was my fault that it didn’t stay that way.” She looks down to the floor and takes in a deep breath. “A few months before you turned two, I had an affair.”

  I gasp, putting a hand over my mouth. I feel Slade shift even closer to my side.

  My mom shakes her head as she lifts her eyes to meet mine and continues. “I went off the deep end. I had a husband and a new baby. It was all just so overwhelming. I couldn’t stay focused on my family. I started staying out and partying. It caused problems between your Dad and I. He was always at home taking care of you while I was too busy wanting to live a different life.”

  A tear slides down her cheek. “It got so bad that he had to take you to work with him during the day. I know that is why you were a daddy’s girl. I wasn’t there for you.” She shakes her head. “Eventually he got tired of it and left me. It woke me up. I begged him to come back for us to be a family again. He wouldn’t, though. He said the damage was already done. I don’t know why I thought there was something else out there for me besides a family who loved me.” She wipes a tear from her face.

  I’m having a hard time keeping up.

  “I loved your father more than anything. I never got over him, and ended up remarrying three more times,” she laughs bitterly.

  I can’t handle it anymore. “What aren’t you telling me, Mom? And where is Greg?”

  “Greg and I divorced.” She doesn’t seem upset about this.

  Of course she divorced him.

  She takes a deep breath. “The summer before you started your senior year, I found out I had breast cancer.”

  What? My heart just dropped to my stomach.

  “I went to your father and told him. He set me up with the best specialist in town and paid for all of my treatment. Less than two months later, your dad passed.” She lets out a small cry.

  I feel my throat start to close up of the mentioning of my father.

  “I was mad at him for leaving you that company. He and I had already made others plans for you.”

  Plans? They made plans for me?

  “We didn’t want that life for you, trapped here in this town.” Slade grabs my hand which makes me nervous. “I didn’t want there to be any reason for you to stay in this town if that wasn’t what you wanted, so I never told you, honey. That day when we had our last fight, when you told me you were selling the company and wanted away from me. I had just come from the doctor’s office and I knew that was the best thing for you.”

  Tears fall down my face. I shake my head lightly. “I don’t understand. Tell me what?” My Mom won’t even look at me, so I look to Slade. He’s staring at my mom and a muscle ticks in his jaw. What am I not getting?

  “I was dying, Samantha. I wanted you to leave home. It was never about the money your dad left you, or the money you got from selling his company. It was about me dying.” Her eyes move back and forth from mine to Slade’s. “I didn’t know how to handle the news. All I knew is that I didn’t want my sickness to dictate your life.” Tears run down her cheeks as her eyes plead with mine.

  “Why wait five years to tell me you were dying back then?” I look down at the check still in my hand, trying to piece everything together. I look to my mom when I hear a sob.

  “I’m still dying,” she whispers.

  I stand up so fast that I jerk my hand out of Slade’s hand in the process “Dying? You said Dad paid for treatment,” I say frantically.

  “He did, but we found it too late.”

  “You mean to tell me you’ve been sick all this time while I’ve been away?” I ask rather hatefully.

  She nods.

  “Why didn’t you tell me, Mom?” I can’t hold back the tears that run down my face “I would have stayed here. With you. For you. I would have taken care of you.” I start pacing the living room floor.

  “Don’t you see?” She stands up slowly. “That’s why I never told you. You needed to go off and live your life. Not waste it while you took care of me, waiting for me to die.”

  I stop pacing. “How long?” I yell, making her flinch.

  “Three months,” she whispers.

  I take a step back like I was just punched in the gut. “Three months?” I whisper. “All this time. These past five years you’ve made me think you hated me,” I say calmly.

  She puts her hands up as she shakes her head “No, no, no. That was not my intention.”

  “Well that’s how I took it,” I snap. “Pushing me away, not coming to my high school graduation. Not wanting to see me before I left for college. For fucks sake, I’ve been calling you every month and sending you money!”

  I turn away from her, running a hand through my hair before returning back to her.

  “You may be able to return the money, Mom. Money that I don’t give a fuck about!” I scream as I lift up the check and tear it to
shreds. “What about the past five years, Mom? How are you going to return that? How could you just push me to the side like I wasn’t important enough for you to want around?”

  I start to walk out of the room. “If I ever have a child, I will treat him or her like they should be treated. I would want to spend every last minute I had with them and my husband. I would show them that they are the most important thing in my life. I would never toss them to the side like trash!” I scream.

  “Angel,” Slade stands as he finally speaks.

  Screw that.

  I have nothing to say to either of them. I don’t care what he has to say. I keep going and slam the front door. I run to our rental car and jump in, thanking God that Slade left the keys in the ignition.

  I need to take a long drive.

  I sit back down on Marie’s couch in shock. I can’t wrap my mind around what all just took place in front of me.

  Poor Angel. I can’t even imagine what she’s going through right now. I didn’t want her to leave. It’s not good for her to be out there on the road when she’s that upset.

  I sigh as I look up and see Marie staring out the front window. Angel looks just like her. She has her beautiful green eyes and Barbie doll face. I can’t imagine what she’s going through, either. Why wouldn’t she want to spend her last years with her daughter? I rub a hand over my face as I look down to the carpet.

  “You call her Angel.”

  My head snaps up. Marie is looking at me with her back to the window. “Yes.”

  A small smile forms on her face. She walks over to the fireplace picking up a picture, then sits in her recliner. She looks at the picture in her hand, then reaches over to hand it to me.

  “That is Samantha and her father, Jack. That was taken right after I had her. It was her first picture. I’ll never forget what he said when he first held her. He called her our little angel from God.”

  “He called her Angel?” She never mentioned it.

  “No.” She shakes her head. “Just that one time. He always called her princess. She was his little princess. I don’t expect you to understand what I did. I didn’t tell her because I wanted her to live her life. I didn’t want to bring her down with death.”

  “You’re right. I don’t understand your reasoning. Now Angel will have to live the rest of her life always wondering about those five years she can never get back.” I set the picture on the coffee table and sit back in the couch.

  She sighs. “She wouldn’t have gone to school and gotten a degree. She would have never met Jax.”

  I scowl at that thought.

  “Meaning she would have never met you.”

  I shake my head. “You’re right again! I thank God every day that she found me, but I don’t want that to be at her mother’s expense.”

  She tilts her head to the side. “Do you love her?”

  “With everything I have. She is my life.”

  She stands up and goes to open a dresser of a china cabinet sitting in the hallway. Coming back, she’s holding a little red velvet box. She sits on the couch next to me. “I want her to have this. I want her to have something that was once very special and held meaning,” she croaks out as she opens the box to reveal two silver bands. One is tiny and has little diamonds all the way around it. The other one is just a plain silver band much bigger.

  I take them out of the box and hold them in my hand.

  “They were our wedding rings. You can melt them down and turn them into something new and special from you, or you guys can keep them this way.”

  “I can’t.” I try to give them back to her, but she just closes my hand shut around the rings.

  “You can,” she nods. “Marriage isn’t always easy. Sometimes it’s hard work. But at the end of the day, no one will ever love you as much as my daughter does. I’ve been keeping close tabs on her all this time. I never let her get too far that I didn’t know what she was doing.”

  I look up at her, not knowing what to say. She was always right there; so close yet so far, and in the process she has destroyed a piece of Angel. A piece that I don’t know if my love can patch.

  “I love her, and I will never stop loving her. Thank you for these. They mean a lot to me, and will mean a lot to her.”

  She bends over and gives me a hug. “I’m getting tired. I’m going to go to bed. Samantha’s room is the last room on the right upstairs.”

  I lay in Angel’s bed sometime later, staring ahead at a bright pink wall and hoping she’s okay. I can’t get her to answer her phone, and I can’t stop wondering when she will be back. I also can’t stop thinking about those rings. I know without a doubt I want to make her my wife, but I’m worried about how she will deal with the news of her mother dying. She always pushes me away when it comes to situations she feels she can handle herself.

  I hear a car pull up, and I sit up to look out the window. Angel is slowly getting out of the car. I jump out of her bed and run down the stairs to the front door. She is standing there, looking down at the welcome mat when I open it.

  I sigh in relief that she’s back. She looks up at me; she looks exhausted. I pick her up and hold her against my body as she wraps her arms around my neck. I can feel her body lightly shaking from her quiet sobs. My heart breaks for her, knowing she’s missed so much time, and has such little time left with her mother.

  I carry her up the stairs and into her room. I sit her on the end of the bed as I undress her. She’s being so quiet and it’s worrying me. I kneel down in front of her once she’s down to her underwear and bra.

  “Angel.” Her now dull green eyes are bloodshot and puffy. They look nothing like the Angel I know and it pulls at my heart. “Talk to me, baby.” I push hair back off her face.

  “I don’t want to talk.” She shakes her head and pulls on the collar of my shirt, pulling me closer to her body as her hands go in my hair and she brushes her lips to mine.

  I hesitate and pull back a bit. I don’t think this is the right time for this.

  “Please, Slade” she closes her eyes for a brief second, then opens them to look at me. “Please help me,” she sniffs.

  “Help you what, Angel?” I whisper.

  “Help me forget everything!”

  My chest tightens and my stomach turns. Her heart is broken right now, and I know she’s afraid and scared. No words I say will comfort her, but I can show her. I can show her how much I need her. Because I do. I need her to know that I’m here for her; that I will be every step of the way. I’m not going to go anywhere. Anything she needs, I will provide it.

  I stand up and pull my shirt over my head as I kick off my shoes. I watch her eyes as I undo my jeans and slide them off along with my boxers and socks. Her sad, heartbroken, green eyes never leave mine. She stands and undoes her bra then slides out of her yellow lace thong. As it hits the floor, I walk up to her so our bodies are touching.

  She slowly crawls backward onto her bed as I come to hover on top of her.

  She places both of her hands on my chest, and guides me onto my back. She straddles me, then leans her mouth down to mine, giving me a sweet kiss. It’s so gentle and soft, and I can taste the salt from all the tears she’s cried. I wish I could take them away. I place my hands on her hips then let them glide up her back.

  “Slade.” I feel her hand go around the base of my hard dick as she starts to guide herself on top of me. I look in her eyes. “I need to feel you. All of you.”

  Its takes me a second to understand she doesn’t want to use a condom. I know she’s on birth control, but she has never asked me to not use one. I wouldn’t care if she got pregnant; the thought of her carrying my child makes my heart swell.

  My thoughts are forgotten once she starts guiding herself onto me. I arch my back and grip her tighter as she slides down my length.

  Fuck! I’ve never not used a condom. Ever! I never knew it could feel like this. She feels smooth as silk as she begins to ride me, setting a slow rhythm that makes me want to explo
de. She lies down on my chest with her head in the crook of my neck as her hips proceed to move tantalizingly slow. She is so soft and gentle, showing me something I had never known. We are making love.

  I roll over, putting her underneath me. I sit up to look into her eyes. They are still red and puffy, but shining again. She looks up to me and smiles. A slow sexy smile that lets me know I’m helping her forget this terrible day. I’m not stupid. This is going to be a long and hard road for her. The next three months are going to drain her, then however long it takes her to grieve once she’s passed, but I know she is strong and I will be by her side no matter how hard she tries to push me away.

  I stop moving and just sit inside of her, looking down on her face. She brings one hand up to cup my cheek. I lean my face into her hand and kiss her palm, then lean down to kiss her lips. My hips start to move again as I continue to make love to her. She places her hands on my back and I feel her fingertips run up and down my skin. A shiver runs through my body. I’ve never been inside of her while her hands roam my body. It’s amazing. Her touch is melting me from the inside out.

  I pull out, then enter her slowly as she arches her back. I put my weight on her and tuck my arms underneath her back. She brings her hands up in my hair, pulling on it. I don’t think our bodies have ever been so close. We are connected in more ways than one.

  I feel her body start to tighten and I hold her even tighter to me, my hips moving as her legs wrap around me. I bring my lips from the crook of her neck over to her mouth and I kiss her, deeply, showing her that I am here and I’m not going to let her go. She comes undone as I hold her, our lips locked together, bodies slick with sweat, and my mouth swallowing every moan and whimper she makes.

  I follow right behind her.

  I roll us over to our side and continue to hold her. I watch as she closed her eyes and falls asleep in my arms. We haven’t spoken a word to one another, but there is nothing to say. We already said it with our bodies.

  I can’t sleep. My thoughts are all over the place. I know she needs to go home, pack some bags, and come back to stay here with her mother. We have a flight that leaves in the morning so that we can get back to work. I can call into work, and drive her back to Tulsa in my truck, then fly back to St. Louis. I could come down every weekend to be here for her. That would give them their personal time during the week. They can’t get those five years back, but they do have three months left.