Ruined

by Jackie Ashenden

  ‘Don’t—’ I began.

  But it was too late.

  ‘She’s finishing early tonight.’

  Smoke’s voice had that hard, flat quality it got whenever he was giving orders. Or stating facts. Or making decisions. Not that there was any difference between them.

  ‘Excuse me?’ Carl sounded pissed. ‘Are you her fucking boss?’

  ‘Smoke, don’t.’ The last thing I needed was trouble with Carl. It was shitty work, and the pay was terrible, but I needed it. Especially when my day job barely paid the bills.

  But Smoke ignored me, digging his wallet out of the back pocket of his jeans and grabbing a couple of bills out of it. He tossed the bills down on the bar.

  ‘Here. Her pay for the last fifteen minutes of her shift.’ His black gaze shifted to me. ‘Come on. We need to talk.’

  I glanced at the money on the bar—I really did get paid shit—then turned to Carl.

  ‘Carl, look,’ I said. ‘Smoke didn’t—’

  ‘I don’t care what he did or didn’t do. I told you I didn’t want him hanging around here, and yet here he is.’ Carl grimaced, then jerked his head towards the exit. ‘Go on—get out of here.’

  ‘But I—’

  ‘And don’t come back.’

  Anger flared inside me. Wonderful. Not only did I have Justin making threats to take Annie away from me, and Smoke wanting to protect me by involving me in his goddamn MC, now I had to find myself another job.

  Life was just getting better and better.

  Swallowing the few choice words I wanted to level at both Carl and Smoke, I set my jaw, collected my purse and strode out from behind the bar. I headed towards the exit, not bothering to look behind me to see if Smoke was following.

  Slamming open the door, I stepped out onto the street, then headed straight towards the bus stop.

  ‘Cat—wait up.’

  I didn’t.

  Frustrated rage burned in my gut. Rage at the world for the situation I was in, for all the decisions I’d made in good faith that had turned out to be really shitty ones that had not only put me at risk, but also my kid.

  I thought Justin was one of the good guys. Clean-cut and earning good money—not some low-life asshole like my dad. I wasn’t going to be like my mother, attaching myself to some man because I was desperate for drugs or love or whatever other crap people get needy over.

  I was going to fall for a good man and we’d have a good life together. Have great kids and a nice place and a fulfilling career.

  Instead all I got were black eyes, a shitty apartment and a hand-to-mouth existence.

  There was only one good thing I’d got from Justin and that was Annie. Now she was under threat, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it. I hated being so helpless. It brought back all those crappy feelings I’d had when Justin first showed his true colours. Of powerlessness. Of worthlessness. Of weakness.

  I’d promised myself never again, and yet somehow he still had the power to hurt me.

  ‘Cat.’ Warm fingers wound around my arm and held on, bringing me up short. ‘Stop.’

  I halted, keeping my gaze on the bus stop ahead of me. ‘Thanks for making me lose my job, Smoke,’ I said. ‘I’m sure I really don’t need that money.’

  ‘It was a shitty job anyway.’ He sounded completely unrepentant. ‘And I have money if you need it.’

  Arrogant son of a bitch.

  I turned to look at him, his handsome face shadowed by the streetlight behind him. The intense look in his eyes hadn’t faded one iota, making me feel restless and shaky, wanting something I couldn’t put a name to.

  ‘The money isn’t the point,’ I said. ‘You made me lose my job, and I’m not feeling very happy about that right now.’

  ‘Sure, you’re pissed about the job, but tell it like it is, Cat. You don’t like my idea.’

  ‘About being your old lady? Of course I don’t like it. I think it’s stupid.’

  Something crossed his face—I didn’t know what it was. Maybe hurt or disappointment or a combination of both. And his mouth hardened. He didn’t often get pissed with me, but I knew when he was. Like now.

  ‘Yeah, well, maybe you should stop being so fucking one-eyed about the club.’ There was a dangerous edge to his voice. ‘Maybe you should stop thinking about your own issues for a change and start thinking about Annie’s.’

  Anger flared inside me, hot as a Fourth of July bonfire. I’d just lost my job because of him, and now he was telling me I wasn’t thinking of my kid?

  Everything I did was for her. Everything.

  ‘Don’t you dare tell me I’m not thinking of her just because you’re pissed that I didn’t like your idea.’ I jerked my arm out of his hold, too angry with him to think about what I was saying. ‘She’s my kid—not yours. You’re not her father. You don’t get a say!’

  CHAPTER SIX

  Smoke

  I FELT LIKE she’d kicked me straight in the balls. The pain was so bright, so raw. I acted on instinct, taking her by her forearms and spinning her around, pushing her up against the brick wall of the building next to us and holding her there.

  ‘You’d really say that to me?’ I couldn’t keep the pain out of my voice. ‘Fuck you, Cat. I knew that kid before she was born. I spent more time with her than Justin did. Hell, I’m more a father to her than he ever fucking was. So don’t you dare tell me I don’t get a say!’

  Her eyes had gone very wide, the green in them darkening as she stared at me in shock. Like she saw a stranger standing there instead of me.

  Like Justin maybe? Have you got more of your old man in you than you thought?

  I went cold. No way. No fucking way.

  Letting her go, I stepped back and turned away, trying to get a goddamn grip.

  I knew Cat was angry—and yeah, putting that asshole boss of hers in his place and getting her fired hadn’t been my best move. But Annie was a daughter to me in so many ways that it hurt to be told I had no right to help her.

  So Cat had issues with the club. After what her old man had put her and her mom through, I couldn’t blame her. But the Knights were different from the MC her dad had been in, and I sure as hell wasn’t him.

  You’re just pissed she didn’t fall gratefully into your arms when you told her your idea.

  Couldn’t deny it—there was a part of me that wanted that badly. That hoped she’d put her arms around me, tell me that being my old lady was what she’d been dreaming about all her life.

  Yeah, I was fucking toast for her, and the fact that she hadn’t done any of that only added to the pain.

  ‘Smoke?’

  Cat’s voice was behind me—not so angry this time, more uncertain.

  I didn’t reply, not trusting myself not to say something stupid and make things worse.

  There was a feather-light touch on my back, brief and over far too fast.

  ‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. You do get a say. I’m just... You know I don’t like the club and you know why. And this whole situation with Annie is scaring the shit out of me.’

  Typical Cat. She blew up like a volcano when she was scared.

  My normal thing would have been to turn around and give her a hug, tell her she didn’t need to be afraid, that all she needed to do was trust me. But she’d got me where it hurt and I was still pissed.

  You know what you want to do.

  Yeah, I totally did. I wanted her to get down on her knees and apologise the old-fashioned way. With my dick in her mouth.

  Another light pressure on my back and this time it was staying there.

  ‘Smoke? Please. I didn’t mean it. You know I didn’t.’

  But that was the thing. I didn’t know. Because she was right. Annie wasn’t my kid. Either Cat or that asshole Justin could take her away and the
re would be nothing I could do about it.

  The light pressure increased as her palm settled between my shoulder blades.

  ‘I wish you were her father. You’re a damn sight better dad than Justin ever was.’

  If I had been Annie’s father, we wouldn’t be standing here right now. I’d be at Cat’s place and Cat would be naked under me.

  Something hardened in me at the thought, and for once it wasn’t my damn dick.

  This was going to happen. Cat was going to be my old lady, and I didn’t care if she didn’t want to be or not. She was a grown woman and she could make her own decisions, sure, but Annie was still a kid and she needed protection. Which meant if Cat was going to let her own issues get in the way of helping her kid, I was going to call bullshit on them.

  I turned around, the warmth of her hand lingering between my shoulder blades, making me ache. But I kept my expression hard.

  She stared at me uncertainly, looking so fucking hot in the tight green Lucky’s T-shirt she always wore to work. The one that clung to her tits and made me want to gather them in my hands, feel the weight of them against my palms, stroke her nipples through the fabric and watch them get hard.

  Maybe you should do that. See what happens.

  Fuck, that voice in my head was playing devil’s advocate. I shouldn’t listen to it.

  ‘It’s going to happen, Cat,’ I said aloud. ‘I’m not standing by and letting that prick get his hands on you or Annie—not again. Understand me?’

  Her expression closed up, her pouty mouth flattening. ‘I don’t—’

  ‘What?’ I interrupted, folding my arms. ‘You got a better idea?’

  The look on her face became guarded, wary, and I knew why. She wasn’t seeing me as a friend right now. She was seeing me as a hard-ass biker putting pressure on her.

  Maybe that was for the best, though. Maybe she’d been seeing me as a friend for far too long.

  ‘No,’ she said quietly. ‘I don’t.’

  ‘Then it’s on. I’ll take you as my old lady and if Justin comes after Annie again, he’ll have the whole fucking club to deal with.’

  Her throat moved as she swallowed, and I watched it, wanting my hand on it. Wanting to feel her pulse beneath my palm. Wanting to feel it get faster as I leaned in to take her mouth.

  Christ, I was losing it. And there was a part of me that didn’t give a shit. As if it had been waiting for this opportunity all this time—this chance to take her like I’d always wanted to. But I couldn’t listen to that part of myself.

  Cat had been burned—and burned very badly—and getting physical with her just because my dick was getting impatient would be a mistake.

  She looked away, as if she knew exactly the kind of thoughts that had been sitting in my head, and there was a long silence.

  Then she said, ‘I’m not moving into that clubhouse with you and neither is Annie—okay?’

  I let out a slow, silent breath. She was going for it. She was fucking going for it. But I didn’t relax, holding her wary gaze with mine. I wanted to hear her say the word out loud.

  ‘Was that a yes, kitten?’

  Irritation flashed in her gaze. ‘Christ, Smoke, I’m not going to—’

  ‘Say it.’ I hadn’t meant it to sound like an order, but it came out as one all the same.

  I saw something spark in those big green eyes—a reaction I was positive she hadn’t meant me to see. A gleam of heat.

  ‘Fuck. Okay.’ Her voice was all irritation and impatience. ‘I’ll be your old lady. Satisfied?’

  No, I wasn’t satisfied. And I wouldn’t be until she was mine in every way that counted. I always thought she didn’t feel that way about me, but there had been a number of signs over the past couple of days that had made me wonder...

  A thrill shot down my spine. The kind of thrill I hadn’t felt for years.

  ‘It’ll do.’ I made sure to let none of that show in my voice, because frightening her off now would be a real bad move.

  ‘But it’s not for real,’ she insisted. ‘We’re just doing this to protect Annie. Once Justin gets the message and backs off everything goes back to normal.’

  Sure it would go back to normal.

  Like hell.

  Because I had a feeling that once I had Cat where I wanted her, wearing my property patch, I wasn’t going to be able to let her go.

  ‘It may not be for real to us.’ I held her gaze. ‘But it’ll have to look real to convince Keep and the others.’

  ‘Oh. But I thought...’ She trailed off, frowning.

  ‘He told me he wouldn’t protect you as things stand. So I asked him outright if he would if you were mine, and he said yes.’

  I paused, wanting to make sure she understood exactly what I was going to ask from her.

  ‘If Justin makes a move and the club has to respond, it’s going to put us at risk with the police. And Keep won’t want to do that if he thinks you’re faking it. In fact if he realises that, he’s going to be pissed.’

  He wouldn’t just be pissed; he’d be furious. And I’d seen him furious. If I hadn’t done my old man in, Keep would have, and it wasn’t anything I wanted directed at either me or Cat.

  Her frown deepened. ‘So we have to pretend it’s real? Is that what you’re saying?’

  ‘Yeah. He’ll remember the conversation I had with him and he’ll be suspicious, no question. We’ll have to convince him we’re the real deal.’

  Cat dropped her attention to the pavement, studying it like it was the most fascinating thing she’d ever seen. And...was she blushing?

  She’d done that a couple of nights earlier, avoiding my gaze, staring at anything other than me. Then there had been her weirdness about discussing that blow job and her furious denial that she’d been checking me out.

  The electric thrill intensified.

  I knew when a woman wanted me.

  I knew when a woman wanted me and didn’t want me to know.

  Cat definitely didn’t want me to know.

  Fucking finally. After all these years...

  Triumph surged like gas down a fuel line, lighting me right up.

  She wanted me. She really did.

  I couldn’t help myself. I reached out, took her chin in my hand and tipped her head back, forcing her gaze to mine. Her eyes were dark and shocked, the green lost in the night.

  ‘Is that going to be a problem?’ I asked roughly.

  She’d gone very still. Even in the dim light of the street I could see the fire in her cheeks and the quick beat of her pulse at the base of her throat.

  The space between us had got thick, like the air before a thunderstorm.

  I could hear my own heartbeat, loud and heavy in my head.

  ‘I don’t know...’ She stopped. ‘I mean, I don’t...’ She stopped again and cleared her throat. ‘What exactly are you saying, Smoke?’

  Her skin was soft under my fingers and I wanted to stroke her with my thumb, run it along the line of her lower lip, test how soft that felt, too.

  ‘What do you think? We have to act like a real couple—know what I’m saying?’

  She blinked, her attention dropping to my mouth. And staying there.

  Holy fucking shit.

  I was getting hard now, and my instinct was to push her against the brick wall and fuck us both into oblivion. But hard and fast up against a wall wasn’t the way I wanted to do it—not with her and not after so many years.

  No, I was going to take my time, make it last. Make her scream. Make her beg for me the way I would have begged for her if she’d only asked.

  Maybe she could see that in my eyes, because she jerked her chin out of my grip, giving an abrupt, nervous-sounding laugh.

  ‘That better not include sleeping with you, because you know that’s not going to happen.’ She was tr
ying to make it sound like a joke and failing miserably.

  For a second I debated asking her whether she was sure about that, but I kept my mouth shut. No point scaring her off before we’d even got started.

  Still. I wasn’t going to let this moment go—not yet.

  ‘No,’ I lied through my teeth. ‘You’re going to have to be comfortable with me touching you, though.’

  She shifted on her feet, her Converses making scraping sounds on the pavement. Yeah, she was nervous, all right.

  ‘Touching me how?’

  I should have stopped right then. I should have let her go, turned around and taken her home.

  But I didn’t.

  The devil had me in his grip and I wanted to keep pushing, to make her even more nervous. Because I’d been hanging out for her for years and now it was my turn to make her sweat.

  I kept my posture loose and easy. Nothing threatening. Nothing that would scare her. But I held that green gaze of hers and let the hunger show.

  ‘Come here and I’ll show you.’

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  Cat

  I STARED AT SMOKE, my heartbeat freakishly loud in my head.

  Something was happening between us and it scared the shit out of me.

  I knew as soon as I opened my big fat mouth and told him he didn’t get a say about Annie that I’d crossed a line. That I’d hurt him and hurt him deeply.

  I had no excuse except that I was frightened, and that when I got frightened I got angry.

  Had that been the thing that had changed the atmosphere between us?

  Or had it been the night I’d stormed into the clubhouse and seen Smoke getting head, with his hands in another woman’s hair?

  I didn’t know. But maybe it didn’t matter. Because right now it felt like I wasn’t looking into my friend’s eyes. It felt like I was looking into the eyes of a complete stranger.

  And that stranger...

  God, he was looking back at me like he wanted to eat me alive.

  Like he looked at that woman in the hallway.

  Shit.

  Smoke made no move towards me. He simply stood there and put his hands in the pockets of his jeans, a relaxed kind of posture. But his gaze was black and there was fire in it—a heat I’d never imagined—not to mention challenge, too. Like he was daring me to do it.