Ruined

by Jackie Ashenden

  She’d told me that morning after the club party that I’d ruined her. Well, she’d ruined me back.

  Before, I buried my craving for her in other women, because I knew she’d never want me the way I wanted her. And I’d been okay with that. I’d handled it the only way I could.

  But now I had her. Now I knew how she tasted when I kissed her mouth, when I pushed my tongue into her pussy. Now I knew how it felt to be balls-deep inside her, to have her legs wound around my waist and screaming my name in my ear.

  Now I knew how good it was to have her curl up in my arms and put her head on my chest and fall asleep, as if she was safe, as if she trusted me completely...

  Yeah, she’d ruined me.

  There would be no one else for me.

  That morning we’d had an argument about me handling her bills, paying her rent for the month, and then I’d made the mistake of mentioning that maybe we should find a new place to live. She’d been pissy, reminding me that this arrangement wasn’t supposed to be permanent and that she wasn’t going anywhere until the threat to Annie from Justin had been sorted out.

  Except the ‘arrangement’ was permanent for me. This was real and it always had been.

  I wanted to tell her there and then what I was planning—I’d been waiting because I wanted to give her some time to get used to having me around—but she’d cut me off because she had to go to work, telling me we’d talk about it tonight.

  She was still scared. I could see it in her eyes. She was still doubting me—doubting us. So I decided to pay extra to get the ring I’d had made for her finished that day. It would be proof of my commitment to her—my promise that I’d never leave her. That she was stuck with me for good.

  What if she doesn’t want to be stuck with you?

  I revved the Harley, the thought making me growl like the bike.

  Too bad. She was mine, and I wasn’t letting her go.

  Picking up the ring from the jeweller didn’t take long, and then I was on my way back to Cat’s apartment. She was already home. I could hear her in the kitchen on the phone as I walked in, talking to the sitter who looked after Annie after school on the days I wasn’t able to.

  My pulse started doing crazy shit. The ring was burning a hole in the pocket of my jeans, what-ifs were spinning in my head, and I found myself pacing around the room trying to calm myself the fuck down.

  The territorial biker in me was never going to let her go, regardless of what she wanted, but there was another part of me—the friend—that wanted her to want that, too. That wanted her to put on my ring and tell me that she’d stay with me forever.

  ‘Hey.’

  I looked up at the sound of her voice to find her standing in the doorway, wearing that little black pencil skirt and the green blouse, black heels on her feet. My favourite outfit. Her gaze was wary—clearly she still remembered our argument from that morning.

  Raising a hand, she pulled the hair tie from her ponytail, releasing her silky black hair down around her shoulders.

  My fingers itched to bury themselves in it, to take it in my fist and pull her head back, kiss her throat, bite her. Leave a mark on her smooth skin. I fucking loved having my marks on her, showing the civilian world that she was taken, that she was mine.

  But first things first.

  I stopped pacing, thrust my hands in my pockets, curling my fingers around the ring box.

  ‘Hey,’ I said.

  She sighed and came over to me, sliding her arms around my neck, rising up on her toes to kiss me. Christ, the way she did that, coming to me without hesitation... It gave me a thrill every time.

  My heartbeat was revving like the engine on my bike by the time she pulled away, and when a crease settled between her black brows I knew she’d sensed my unsettled mood.

  ‘What’s up?’ she asked softly. ‘Is it about this morning?’

  My mouth had gone dry and my pulse was out of control—which was insane. There was no reason to be such a pussy about this.

  ‘There’s something I need to say to you.’ The words came out rougher than I wanted them to.

  Cat blinked, then lowered her lashes—but not before I caught the spark of fear in her eyes.

  ‘That sounds serious.’ She took a step back and folded her arms.

  Shit. She was doing what she always did when she was afraid. Retreating from me. Protecting herself. Which was so not happening.

  I took my hands out of my pockets and pulled her back into my arms, keeping her little soft, warm body pressed to mine.

  Her gaze widened. ‘What’s going on?’

  Keeping one arm around her waist, I reached into my pocket and grabbed the ring box, then held it out. ‘This is for you.’

  She glanced at the box, then back up at me, shock rippling over her features. ‘Smoke, I—’

  ‘Let me say something first. You told me this morning that you didn’t want to think about getting a new place because this isn’t supposed to be permanent.’ I looked deep into those beautiful green eyes. ‘Cat, this is permanent for me. When Justin finally gets what’s coming to him, I’m not walking away from either you or Annie—get me? When I said I’d never leave you I meant it.’

  She stared at me, not saying a word.

  Not exactly the response I’d hoped for, but I made myself be patient. I’d had years to think about what I truly wanted from her, while all this—being with me—was still very new for her.

  ‘We’re not going back to the way it was before, kitten,’ I went on, making sure she was absolutely clear on where I stood. ‘Because I don’t want to be your friend. I want to be more than that. I want to be your everything.’

  Colour flooded her face, and I could feel her stiffen.

  I didn’t let her pull away, keeping my arm around her waist. ‘Open the box.’

  She hesitated, her reluctance obvious. I tried not to let it get to me. This would be a big step for her—especially given the shit she’d had to put up with in her last relationship. But I wasn’t Justin and I’d told her that already. Surely she knew that?

  She picked up the box from my palm and opened it. The ring I’d bought her gleamed on black velvet. It was silver; a delicate, stylised cat face, with pointed ears projecting out from the band and two genuine emeralds where the eyes should be. It had cost shitloads but I didn’t care. She was worth every cent.

  At least her reaction was what I wanted. Her mouth opened, and a surprised sound escaped from her. I could see that she didn’t want to take the ring from its box and yet her hand reached for it anyway, as if she couldn’t help herself.

  I grabbed the ring before she could, though, because this was something I wanted to do. Gently I took her left hand and slid it onto her finger.

  The fit was perfect, like I’d known it would be, and the emeralds glittered in the fading light coming through the windows.

  ‘Smoke...’

  Her voice was hoarse and she didn’t look at me, her attention all on her hand.

  ‘I don’t understand. What does this mean?’

  ‘What do you think?’ I gripped her chin, turning her face towards mine. ‘You’re already my old lady, but the civilian world needs more than that. I want to make you and me legal. And I want to adopt Annie, be her dad for real.’

  Emotions flickered across her face, too fast for me to read. But I got at least one loud and clear: fear.

  She tried to pull away, but I wasn’t having it. I’d told her she wasn’t going to get any distance from me and I’d meant it.

  ‘What are you afraid of?’ I demanded, searching her expressive face. ‘I thought you trusted me.’

  Her hand pushed at me. ‘Let me go.’

  ‘No.’ I gripped onto her jaw so she couldn’t pull away, trying to ignore the hollow feeling in my gut. ‘You’ve been happy being mine for the past two weeks�
��I know you have. So why is making this permanent a problem?’

  ‘Smoke.’ She pushed again.

  I didn’t move. ‘You think I don’t know you’re scared? You think I can’t see it in your eyes?’

  Her hand pressed harder against my chest.

  ‘You don’t understand. Two weeks ago you were just my friend, and now suddenly you’re putting a ring on my finger and telling me you want to make it legal. You’re in my bed and in my life, and... Jesus, it’s all happening so fast. Too fast. I can’t...think.’ Her eyes darkened. ‘I need some time. I need some space, okay?’

  A part of me understood that for her all this was fast. But that didn’t stop the gut punch of disappointment.

  I wanted to argue that over twenty years of friendship didn’t make this ‘fast’, then crush her mouth beneath mine, take away her fear, give her pleasure instead. Make her see that all she needed was me.

  Instead I let her go, taking a step back, giving her the space she wanted.

  She sucked in a breath, straightening her back and lifting her chin. Then she slid the ring off her finger and put it back in the box, closing the lid and setting it on the coffee table.

  The hollowness in my gut got wider, deeper. It felt like she’d reached inside my chest, put her fingers around my heart and squeezed it tight.

  ‘You don’t like it?’ I couldn’t keep the demand out of my voice, disappointment making it sound harsh.

  Cat had folded her arms again, as if she was protecting herself against me, and her gaze was full of a hurt I didn’t understand.

  ‘I don’t like it,’ she said thickly. ‘I love it. The ring is beautiful and that’s the problem. This is everything I ever wanted, and yes, that’s...scary. Because I’ve wanted stuff before and it all went horribly wrong.’

  The pressure around my heart eased. Okay, so she did want this after all. She wanted me.

  ‘The past doesn’t mean shit.’ I tried to resist the urge to grab her again. ‘And nothing’s going to go wrong—not if I have anything to do with it.’

  She glanced away, running a hand through her hair. ‘You don’t know that. Every single relationship I’ve ever had has gone bad. Every single one. And every time that happens, I lose.’

  Her gaze came back to mine and this time she didn’t hide her fear. It was there in her eyes.

  ‘I’m tired of losing, Smoke. I’m tired of being left with nothing. My friendship with you is the only thing I have that hasn’t gone wrong.’

  I wanted to go to her and take her hand in mine, be the caring friend I used to be. But disappointment and frustration were eating away at me like battery acid. It felt like everything I’d always dreamed of was just within reach, and yet she kept pulling it away.

  ‘I won’t stop being your friend just because we’re sleeping together.’ I couldn’t keep the harsh note out of my words. ‘It won’t change what we have now.’

  She didn’t look away this time. ‘It’s not change I’m scared of. I’m scared of getting in too deep. I need to have something left if this doesn’t work out.’

  ‘Why the fuck do you think this won’t work out?’

  My temper began to slip out of my grip, no matter how hard to I tried to keep hold of it, and frustration was gouging a ragged hole inside me.

  ‘I’ve been your friend for over twenty goddamn years, Cat, and I’m still your friend now. That’s never going to change. I don’t know how many times I have to say it. I don’t know what else to give you. I don’t know what you want from me.’

  Her mouth tightened, her green eyes dark. ‘I don’t know either.’

  I couldn’t stand still any more—couldn’t have this distance between us. A distance that felt like it was getting wider with every passing second.

  She put up her hand again as I moved but I ignored it, grabbing her hips and pulling her hard against me, pressing my rapidly hardening dick to the heat between her thighs.

  ‘So fucking think about it, then. What do you need? Do you need to hear the I love you shit? Is that what you want?’

  A green flame leapt in her gaze and her temper answered mine. ‘So I love you is shit? Is that what you’re saying?’ She shoved at me. ‘Fuck you.’

  I knew I was making things worse, but I couldn’t seem to stop. All I could feel was that distance opening up and I didn’t know how to close it.

  ‘But is that what you want?’

  I slid my hands over the curve of her butt, digging my fingers into her softness through her skirt, flexing my hips so my cock pressed harder against her groin.

  ‘You want me to tell you I love you?’

  Her mouth compressed, as if she didn’t want to say it. But I knew anyway. That was exactly what she wanted.

  Love. What the fuck did it even mean? Not a goddamn thing. Love was a woman dying in a hospital bed from the injuries her husband had given her. Love was a backhand across the face and a cigarette ground out against bare skin. It was years of pain, years of abuse.

  ‘Love is shit, Cat,’ I went on roughly. ‘And you of all people should know that. But this...?’ I flexed my hips again, grinding against her, making her gasp. ‘This is fucking real. This means something. Everything I give you, everything I do for you, means something. But, Christ, if you want the words so you can feel safe, I’ll give them to you. And if you want to walk up the aisle in a fucking white dress, with bridesmaids and all that other crap, then you can. And if you want to stay in this shitty apartment then, sure, we’ll stay in this shitty apartment. Anything and everything, kitten. Just say the word.’

  The flush in her cheeks deepened, the flame in her eyes getting hotter. Her fingers had curled in the cotton of my T-shirt and the tension had gone from her muscles. She was moving with me now, her body softening against mine, because even if her mind was having problems accepting me that greedy pussy of hers had no such issues.

  ‘What if I want to go back to being friends?’ Her voice had got husky. ‘What about that?’

  ‘No.’ I pulled her up on her toes, the length of my aching dick pushing against her clit, making her inhale sharply. ‘No fucking way.’

  Her gaze had gone even darker, the way it did when she wanted me badly.

  ‘Then...you h-have to give me time.’

  Jesus. Even when she was turned on and ready to fuck she wouldn’t give one goddamn inch. I loved that about her, but it was driving me crazy right now. All I wanted was for her to say yes. To be mine, to choose me. Was that really too much to ask?

  I knew how to convince her, though. Use our chemistry. Pull up her skirt and play with her pussy until she was sobbing and ready to give me anything I wanted. But I’d been hoping she’d say yes without that.

  The battery-acid feeling was fire in my gut, with anger and disappointment and frustration all joining the party. Making me want to punch something. Or preferably fuck something.

  Fine, if this was the way she wanted to play it, I’d play.

  And I’d fucking win.

  I was already hauling her skirt up, my hands sliding over the silky skin at the backs of her thighs, when my phone started buzzing in my back pocket. I knew the ringtone. It was Keep—which meant I couldn’t ignore it.

  Cursing, I let Cat go, but kept my gazed locked with hers as I dragged my phone out and answered it. I wanted her to know that this shit wasn’t done—not by any stretch.

  ‘What?’

  I made no effort to be polite, because what was happening between me and Cat was important, and I’d already had one meeting with Keep today.

  ‘I need you to come to the clubhouse for a chat,’ Keep said shortly. ‘Got a complaint from the cops about you.’

  I scowled. That didn’t make any sense. I stayed out of the cops’ way and they stayed out of mine.

  ‘What the fuck? I don’t know what—’

  ‘Just
get here, Smoke,’ Keep interrupted and disconnected the call.

  Anger and thwarted lust simmered inside me. I could still feel Cat’s heat against me, and the last thing I wanted to do was go back to the clubhouse and have a ‘chat’ with my president. But ignoring an order from Keep wasn’t a good move, so I stuffed my phone back in my pocket.

  ‘I got to go.’

  Cat was already smoothing her skirt down, her hands shaking as she did so. It made a part of me savagely glad that even after two weeks of being in her bed I still had the power to affect her like that.

  ‘Oh?’ she said huskily. ‘What’s happening?’

  ‘Club shit.’

  I took a step towards her, hooked an arm around her neck and brought her in for a deep, hard kiss.

  I lifted my head. ‘This isn’t over, kitten.’

  Then I left.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  Cat

  AFTER SMOKE HAD GONE, I sat down on the couch, my legs too shaky to hold me up. My heart rate was going through the roof and the heat of Smoke’s hands lingered on my thighs. I could still feel the pressure of his cock against my throbbing clit and see the searing intensity in his dark eyes...

  I took a breath, glancing at the little box on the table. The ring was perfect. Beautiful. I loved it. No one had ever got me anything so special and so completely me before. I wanted to put it on my finger and never take it off.

  But I couldn’t.

  The past two weeks with Smoke had been amazing. He’d always been such a huge part of my life that I’d expected nothing to change. Yet somehow everything had changed.

  He helped with Annie, talked with me, laughed with me, supported me the same as he always did.

  But when night fell he didn’t leave.

  Instead he took me to bed. Made me scream into my pillow as he systematically explored and then destroyed every single one of my inhibitions—until there was no part of me that remained untouched by his mouth, his fingers, his cock. There was nothing I wouldn’t let him do. He overloaded me with pleasure until I forgot why I’d ever been afraid in the first place.