Volume 2 - The Sighs of Suzumiya Haruhi

by Tanigawa Nagaru

  “What on earth is a TFEI?”

  “It’s just an abbreviation we use amongst ourselves, you don’t have to know what it stands for. I feel that Nagato-san is the most outstanding one among all of ‘them’. I’ve been wondering, what else is she responsible for besides being a simple communication interface?”

  What he meant was – What else does this silent girl that loves reading do besides observing Haruhi? Some people still find it a pity that Asakura Ryouko had disappeared, though personally I don’t feel sad at all.

  About thirty minutes later, the taxi carrying Haruhi had returned, also inside was Asahina-san wearing her waitress costume. Like yesterday, she still looked very gloomy. Haruhi asked the driver for a receipt, she probably wanted reimbursements for her expenses.

  Taniguchi and Kunikida looked at them and muttered,

  “One night when coming home from the convenience store, I came across a taxi,” “And?”

  “And instead of a ‘For Hire’ lamp on top, I saw that the taxi lamp read ‘Love Car’.” “You must’ve been surprised?”

  “Before I could confirm, the taxi had driven off. It was then that I realized, isn’t love what I’m lacking right now?”

  “Did that taxi really have a ‘Love Car’ lamp on it? That must’ve been some custom made taxi.” I can’t help but be amazed by the conversation made by these two idiots, and I had a feeling that the shortage of talent was becoming very serious. If Taniguchi and Kunikida were nickel alloys, then Tsuruya-san would be platinum. Their difference would be between that of a firework and the Apollo 11 spacecraft.

  “Ah, Mikuru has come by taxi! Eh? Who are you?”

  Tsuruya-san’s pitch was very high. Her slightly medium-high pitch voice was probably just a pitch lower than Haruhi’s abnormally high natural pitch. Though Tsuruya-san should be within the bounds of the normal world.

  “Wow! You’re so sexy! Where does Mikuru work at? Don’t you have to be at least eighteen? Huh? Aren’t you just seventeen? Oh, don’t worry, since we’re not customers anyway.”

  Asahina-san’s teary eyes now reveal their natural colors. It seems there’s a shortage of colored contact lens.

  Haruhi now dragged the tiny waitress out of the car.

  “What do you mean sick? I won’t let you use such an excuse! We’re going to continue filming! Next would be the exciting scenes of Mikuru-chan! This is all for the SOS Brigade! No matter what age they are, the audience will always be moved by acts of self-sacrifice!”

  Then go sacrifice yourself!

  “In this world, there’s only one female protagonist. To be honest, I’d like to be that person, but this time I’ve generously allowed you to play that role, at least until the school festival ends!”

  In this world, no one would acknowledge you as a female protagonist! Tsuruya-san clapped her hands against Asahina-san’s shoulders, causing her to cough frantically.

  “What’s this costume? A racing girl? What role are you playing? That’s it! You can wear that at the fried noodle shop during the school festival! I’m sure that it’ll attract lots of customers!”

  I really do understand Asahina-san’s wanting to become a hermit. When faced with continuously fierce attacks, no one is going to stand on the pitcher’s mound and be the pitcher.

  Asahina-san slowly lifted her head, then with the look of someone about to die for her religion, she looked at me as though begging for help, and then looked away. She slowly breathed a soft sigh, but she still managed to give a weak smile and walk in strides towards me.

  “Sorry I’m late.”

  I looked at the top of Asahina-san’s head, which was lowered down, and said, “It’s alright, I don’t really mind.”

  “I’ll treat you to lunch…”

  “There’s no need to, don’t worry about it.”

  “I’m so sorry about yesterday, it seems like I unexpectedly fired an optical weapon…” “It’s fine, I’m not hurt anyway…”

  I took a peek at my surroundings. Nagato stood while staring blankly and holding her staff with a star attached to its end. Asahina-san looked at me, lowered her already soft voice and said,

  “I was bitten.”

  She rubbed her left wrist.

  “Bitten by what?”

  “By Nagato-san. I heard it was for the injection of some nanomachines… But, my eyes don’t seem to be able to fire anything anymore, so I’m relieved.”

  Thanks to this, I don’t have to worry about being sliced into pieces… Right? Speaking of which, I find the sight of Nagato biting Asahina-san rather hard to visualize. What did she inject?

  “It was yesterday night, when she came with Koizumi-kun to my place…” Koizumi, who was in charge of looking after the equipment, was now talking to Haruhi. I would have wanted to go last night! He should have asked me to come along! Paying Asahina-san a visit was definitely more fun than being tricked into a Sealed Dimension.

  “What are you two chatting about?”

  Tsuruya-san wrapped her small soft arm around Asahina-san’s neck, “Mikuru, you’re so cute! How I want to keep you as a pet! Kyon-kun, do you two get along well?” Now really…

  The two bozos Taniguchi and Kunikida were now looking at Asahina-san with their mouths wide open. Hey, stop looking! What are you going to do if she loses a piece of her costume? As I was thinking this, Haruhi yelled,

  “The place has been decided!”

  What place?

  “For outdoor shooting!”

  Is that so? I keep forgetting that we’re making a movie. I don’t know why, I just wanted to forget about it. Also, for some reason, I can’t help but feel that this is the filming location for some low-cost pop-idol DVD.

  “There’s a huge pond near Koizumi-kun’s place, so let’s begin our filming there today!” In almost the blink of an eye, Haruhi quickly picked up a plastic flag that read “filming cast and crew” and led the way forward.

  I called over Taniguchi and Kunikida; who were still staring at Asahina-san with their dirty, staring eyes, and generously shared the bags and equipment that I carried with them.

  We walked for about thirty minutes before coming to the side of a pond. The location was somewhere in the middle of the hill, which was basically right at the center of the residential district. While it might be called a pond, it’s a pretty massive body of water. So big that migratory birds would probably come flocking over during winter. According to Koizumi, the ducks and swallows should be flying in anytime soon.

  The pond was surrounded by a metal fence, which pretty much tells people not to trespass. That’s common knowledge, isn’t it? Maybe it has to do with how a person is brought up. Lately, even elementary school kids won’t play around here, except for those who are mentally insane.

  “What’re you waiting for? Hurry up and climb over!”

  I’d forgotten that Haruhi is, in fact, a seriously insane person; as she placed her foot over the fence and waved her hand. Asahina-san placed her hands on her extremely short skirt and seemed to become very despairing. Tsuruya-san stood beside and giggled,

  “Huh? What did we come here for? Hey! Is Mikuru going to swim?” Asahina-san shook her head very quickly, sighed, and stared at the green pond surface as though she’d just seen blood.

  “Don’t you think this fence is a bit too tall for us to climb over?” Koizumi wasn’t talking to me, but to Nagato. You’re wasting your time trying to start a proper conversation with her. She’ll either give you a simple “yes” or “no” answer, or she’ll begin a string of incomprehensible jargon.

  “…”

  Though Nagato remained silent, she had a peculiar reaction. She placed her finger on the top of the fence and slowly pulled it outwards. For some reason, the metallic fence, which was supposed to be firmly stuck to the ground, now bent softly like toffee placed under the sun, and then it slowly coagulated in its bent form.

  She was as elegant as usual. I frantically turned and looked at the others’ reactions, perhaps I was w
orrying too much.

  “Huh? This fence looks quite old.”

  Kunikida said as though he knew everything.

  “Just what am I playing? She can’t have me play a kappa…” Taniguchi mumbled as he walked through the opening caused by the bent fence and on towards the pond.

  Tsuruya-san followed behind him, holding hands with Asahina-san, who was reluctantly led towards the pond where Haruhi was waiting.

  I’m so relieved that the extra trio didn’t have that much intelligence.

  Koizumi smiled at me and Nagato, then slid his body through the fence opening, while Nagato, the black mage, also walked past me like a phantom.

  Oh well, let’s hurry up and get this over with! Before anyone discovers that public property has been vandalized, that is.

  Asahina-san and Nagato stood facing each other again, looks like it’s yet another battle scene. I really wonder whether Haruhi had even seriously written the script. When is Koizumi going to come on? Still wearing his school uniform today, Koizumi stood behind me and continued his role as the reflector board holder.

  Haruhi placed the director’s chair on the dirt and scribbled what might be the dialogue in her sketchbook.

  “This scene will show Mikuru being forced into a desperate situation, with her blue eye beams having been nullified.”

  Haruhi stopped writing with her pen and smiled, looking satisfied.

  “Yes, this’ll do. You there, hold this and stand over there.” And so, Taniguchi was put in charge of holding up the dialogue placards. The two actresses began reading the placards held up by an obviously disgruntled Taniguchi: “I won’t be deterred by this set back! Y-you evil alien Yuki! H-h-hurry up and leave Earth at once…! Umm… Sorry…” Asahina-san couldn’t help but apologize for no reason after reading her lines, Nagato Yuki the evil alien magician then said, “…Is that so?”

  She nonchalantly nodded her head and read her lines following Haruhi’s instructions, “You should be the one to disappear from this time period. He is ours. That is how much he is worth to us. Though he has not discovered his powers yet, those are very precious powers. We will need those powers in order to invade Earth.” Moving in tandem with Haruhi waving her loudspeaker, Nagato waved her star-shaped wand and pointed it towards Asahina-san’s face.

  “I-I-I won’t let you have your way! Even if it means risking my life.” “If that is so, then prepare to die.”

  “Cut!” Haruhi yelled and stood up, she then ran between the two of them and said, “You girls need to create an atmosphere! Yes, the sort of atmosphere like now, but don’t stray from the script. And Mikuru-chan, come over here.” The director and female lead abandoned us and turned away. I put down my camera and scratched my neck. Just what were they discussing? Tsuruya-san could take it no more and began to laugh out loud, “What kind of movie is this? Can this even be called a movie? Nyahahaha! This is too funny!” Besides you, I guess only Haruhi would find this funny.

  Taniguchi and Kunikida stood aimlessly with a “What the hell were we called here for?” expression. Nagato stood by the side, as though she had nothing to do with it. While Koizumi stood naturally and looked at the edge of the pond. I took out the tape, which was nearly full, and replaced it with a new tape. I had the feeling that I was creating useless trash.

  Tsuruya-san looked at the equipment I was carrying with interest, “Hmm, is this what they use to make videos these days? It’s full of Mikuru’s funny images, right? Can I please have a look at them later? I think it’ll be pretty funny.” It’s nothing funny, really. Handing out flyers dressed as a bunny girl took only a day, though this ridiculously hilarious movie would last until the day before the school festival. We could go from skipping classes to skipping school altogether. This would be very bothersome for me, since I wouldn’t be able to drink any fine tea. Nagato’s tea would be tasteless, while Haruhi’s tea would be bitter due to the laws of physics. Leaving Koizumi’s tea aside, if I have to end up brewing tea for myself, then I’d rather drink tap water.

  “Sorry to keep you guys waiting!”

  Indeed, we have waited for quite some time. About time you returned, because I don’t want to ruin the nice natural scenery by the pond anymore.

  “The real climax is about to start, look carefully guys!”

  Haruhi pushed Asahina-san forward. Even if you didn’t ask, I would look at her every day with my eyes wide open anyway! See? As usual, Asahina-san looks just as cute, pretty and…

  “Huh?”

  The color of one of her eyes has changed, this time it’s the right eye. The silver-colored eye looked at me apologetically and moved between me and the ground below.

  “Now, Mikuru-chan, fire your amazing Mikuru Beam R and shoot out some incredible stuff or whatever, just attack!”

  There was no way I could stop this in time, and even if I could, I would have already been sliced into pieces. By the way, this happened all too suddenly, Haruhi giving her terrible command, Asahina-san blinking her eyes looking horrified, and…

  Nagato pushed Asahina-san down by the side of pond; the appearance of her black silhouette was just too sudden.

  Yesterday’s scene was repeated again today, it was like watching a tape recording all over. Nagato showed off her amazing instantaneous movement skills.

  In an instant, only her hat remained where she had once stood, and then slowly fluttered down towards the ground. The body which was wearing the hat had moved off yards away in just the blink of an eye (about 0.2 seconds), and climbed on top of Asahina-san, grabbing her on the forehead…

  “Na-Na-Nagato-sa… KYAA!!!”

  With a blank expression, Nagato ignored the pitiful screams of Asahina-san, her short hair waved back and forth as she sat on top of Asahina-san.

  “Wait a minute!” Haruhi quickly came to her senses.

  “Yuki! You’re a magician! You aren’t supposed to be good at close-quarter combat according to my script! Mud-wrestling in this place…”

  Haruhi said that, and then shut her mouth. She thought for about three seconds then said, “Ah, well, I guess this could do as well. It could be another selling point, right? Kyon! Record all of this! This is Yuki’s rare moment of glory!” I don’t think it’s any moment of glory at all. She’s just reacting out of instinct to counter the threat caused by the contact lens. Asahina-san probably understood as well, but she couldn’t help but scream and shake her legs nonstop as a result of shock. I’m such a sick person. Now’s not the time for me to stare at such scenery.

  At this moment, a thudding noise was heard. Besides the two actresses, the others all turned and looked behind.

  The sound came from the pond fence opening where Haruhi leapt over and where we walked through. The opening created by Nagato now revealed a large hole, the fence was cut into a V-shape and fell outwards towards the road, as though it had been hit by an invisible laser.

  I turned my eyes back to the scene of crime, and saw Nagato biting Asahina-san’s wrist like an anemic vampire.

  “I was careless,”

  Nagato surprisingly said, as though she had made a mistake, “I had originally allowed the laser to disperse without causing harm to humans, but this time the beam was composed of hyper-vibration particles…” She said all of this in one single breath. Koizumi handed her the hat he picked up on the ground and said, “Something like optic fiber? But this sort of particle blade is invisible and weightless, right?” Nagato received the hat and promptly placed it on her head and said, “I sensed a tiny amount of mass, about ten to the power of negative forty-one grams.” “Even smaller than neutrons?”

  Nagato said nothing and only looked at Asahina-san’s eye, the waitress’s right eye was still silver in color.

  “Umm…”

  Asahina-san rubbed her bitten wrist and asked in a frightened voice, “What did you just inject into my body…?”

  The tip of the pointed hat tilted five centimeters forward. For me, that’s a sign of Nagato looking troubled. Maybe she was th
inking of how to convey this properly. As expected, Nagato then said,

  “By alternating the dimensional vibration periods, a gravitational field can then be created on the surface of the object.”

  Looks like she’s trying very hard to explain this difficult to understand fact. While I can understand that she has probably nullified the invisible killer beams, what I can’t understand is how the other two seem to be able to get what she had just said. Koizumi said, “I see, so the tremors are caused by gravity?” He was asking questions that didn’t seem to be relevant at all. Nagato probably thought so as well, since she remained silent.

  Koizumi shrugged his shoulders as though it was his trademark gesture, “But we really were careless, I guess I should take partial responsibility as well. I always thought that eyes could only fire laser beams. Could it really fire anything as Suzumiya-san has described, as long as it’s out of this world? It sure is impossible to catch up with Suzumiya-san’s way of thinking, I’m amazed.” There’s no way we could catch up, she has run far ahead of the whole human race by three whole rounds. I could even feel her coming back behind me now, though when I look carefully, it’s as though she’s running in the same circle, giving one the illusion that she hasn’t run forward at all, which is exactly what she is good at. And that’s not all, only those of us who were forced to run on this circular track with her could understand this feeling.

  The reason why Haruhi runs so fast is that she doesn’t care whether the track is an S-shaped track or a crisscrossed three-dimensional track, she just would have charged forward without thinking. Not to mention, she’s fitted with a compressed engine, meaning that she could go on forever. She can quickly make up rules that are just impossible to follow, no matter how much one wants to, and she, herself, doesn’t realize that this isn’t a real race. She is just simply beyond control.

  “It’s not too bad,” Koizumi said, “We’ll let the local authorities take the blame for neglecting to maintain the quality of the fence, I’m sure people will buy this story. What’s important is that no one was hurt.”