Volume 2 - The Sighs of Suzumiya Haruhi

by Tanigawa Nagaru

  Shamisen yawned endlessly and tidied his tail as he said, “There are many kinds of cats, aren’t humans the same?” I’d sure like to know what you mean by “many kinds.”

  “What can you do even if you knew? I don’t think you can ever replace cats, nor do I think you understand how cats think.”

  This is really frustrating, everything is.

  As I was about to go take a bath, my sister came in saying I have a visitor.

  I decided to go outside the house to talk to him under the night sky. I didn’t want to invite him in, or I would end up having to hear him go on endlessly with his long speeches.

  I went downstairs wondering who it was. I never thought it would be Koizumi. I decided to go outside the house to talk to him under the night sky. I didn’t want to invite him in, or I would end up having to hear him go on endlessly with his long speeches. Besides, I don’t want to listen to him and Shamisen simultaneously lecturing me with abstract philosophies that are difficult to understand.

  Just as I thought, Koizumi flooded me with his speeches, and in the end, he even said this, “For Suzumiya-san, the minor details and sub-plots aren’t important. I actually find this interesting, and that was enough as well. The story lacked any resolution or tight plotting, or any clues to a sequel, since she has after all come up with a plot in a very short time. She did not even consider an ending, who knows, the movie might simply end without one.” What’s wrong with that? So you’re saying if the movie ends in such an unresolved way, this reality would be permanently distorted and become the new reality? Haruhi must have an ending in mind, and it must be an ending that is in line with reality. This is a problem that we must consider, as Haruhi would never consider such stuff, and even if she does, it would only end in disaster. So it’s still better for us to do the thinking. But why must we think of such stuff? Isn’t there someone else that can carry this cursed burden for us? “If he even exists, then yes.”

  Koizumi shrugged his shoulders,

  “I believe he would have appeared before us long ago if he existed. So we must find a solution as soon as possible, especially you. I look forward to seeing you work harder.”

  Work harder on what? Please be specific.

  “Because once the fictional world becomes reality, our theories will be for naught. Maybe Asahina-san would be affected as well, because her faction seems to have their own set of theories. As for Nagato-san, I don’t know much about her, but I guess observers usually accept whatever outcome they obtain. Her faction would calmly accept any outcome, even if the Earth were to disappear; as long as Suzumiya-san still exists, that would be enough for them.”

  The street lamps shined on Koizumi’s expressionless face within the dark, “I can honestly tell you this, the ‘Organization’ and Asahina-san’s faction aren’t the only people whose philosophies revolve around Suzumiya-san. There are many more of them out there, so many that I’d want to tell you about the secret battles we have fought behind the scenes, allies that have betrayed us, and all the conspiracy and deceit, as well as the destruction and killings that have been going on as we speak. Each faction has poured all their resources to battle each other in order to survive.” Koizumi continued, carrying a worn-out, cynical smile, “Even I don’t find our theory to be absolutely correct; but for the current situation, there would be no place for me if I didn’t accept this theory for now. I was initially set up to be with one side, and I am not able to switch sides. It’s just like how a white chess piece cannot become a pawn for the black side.” Why can’t you use Othello and shogi as examples? “All this probably has nothing to do with you. It’s the same for Suzumiya-san, which is a good thing, especially for Suzumiya-san. I hope that she’ll never learn about this. I don’t want to leave a scar in her heart. By my standards, Suzumiya-san possesses traits that are likeable. Of course, you possess them as well.” “Why are you telling me all this?” “Just slipped out of my mouth, there’s no particular reason. Maybe I was joking, or maybe I was possessed by a strange thought, or maybe I’m just trying to win your sympathy. No matter, it’s all unimportant.” Indeed, it wasn’t funny at all.

  “I might as well tell you something else that’s not really important. Have you ever thought why Asahina Mikuru… I’m sorry, why Asahina-san would hang out with us? True, Asahina-san has the looks of an adorable pretty girl, and I can understand how people can be moved to give her a helping hand. You probably sympathize with what she’s doing, right?”

  “And what’s wrong with that?”

  Protecting the weak from the strong is what every person should aspire to.

  “Her mission is to get close to you, which is why Asahina-san has that appearance and personality, which happens to be your favorite type of girl – the weak and cute type. Since you are the only person who Suzumiya-san listens to, to a certain extent, it was imperative that she has your attention.”

  I fell as silent as a deep-sea fish, and recalled what Asahina-san told me half a year ago. Not the Asahina-san now, but the Asahina-san from a further future, the adult Asahina-san. Having called me out to meet her with a note, that Asahina-san told me, “Please don’t get too close with me.” Did she tell me that after considering her own position? Or is that really her genuine thought?

  Seeing as I remained speechless, Koizumi continued in a deep voice that sounded as old as the Jomon-sugi, “If Asahina-san is merely playing the role of an innocent cute girl, but is in fact up to something else, what are you going to do? She probably thinks it’s easier to get your sympathy this way. The way she looked innocent and helpless when having to put up with Suzumiya-san’s unreasonable demands, this was all part of her plan. She did all that so that she could catch your attention.” I think this guy’s totally nuts. Learning from Nagato, I replied without conveying any speck of emotion, “I’m sick and tired of hearing your stupid jokes.”

  Koizumi slowly smiled and stuck out his arms in an exaggerated manner, “Oh, I’m sorry. Looks like I still have a long way to go at making jokes. I made all that unreasonable stuff up just so I could fool you. Just trying to say something that would leave an impression in your mind. Have you actually taken it seriously? Well, you’ve actually given me some confidence in my acting. Now I can go into the play feeling relaxed.” He laughed deafeningly and continued,

  “Our class is going to hold a Shakespearean play, ‘Hamlet’ to be precise. I’ll be playing Guildenstern.” Never heard of him, I’m guessing it’s just a supporting character anyway.

  “He was supposed to be, but half-way through rehearsals we decided to use the Tom Stoppard version instead, so I have to appear in even more scenes now.”

  Well, keep up the good work. Though I had no idea there were other versions of Hamlet besides the Shakespearean version.

  “Because of Suzumiya-san’s movie and my class’s play, my schedule is very tight right now, so I’m feeling the pressure already. If I look tired, that’s probably the reason. I don’t think I can take it any more if a Sealed Dimension decides to appear now. That’s why I came to ask you for help. I have to ask you to think of a way to prevent Suzumiya-san’s movie from becoming the source for further paranormal events.”

  You mean a reasonable ending? Didn’t you say we could just declare it all to be a dream? “Just make Haruhi think that everything within her movie is just make believe… Right?” “She must clearly be aware of it as well. She’s a clever girl, as she knows that a movie is fictional after all. I just feel it’ll be best if things can go along that direction. I must let you understand that things can’t continue like this, and this has to be settled before filming ends.” I’m counting on you. Koizumi bowed to me, and then disappeared into the darkness. What the hell man? He came just so he could shove all the responsibility onto me? Since he’s already so busy, I have to take care of the rest, is that what he’s saying? If that’s the case, he’s found the wrong person. This isn’t a card game, and I’m not shirking responsibility either. Suzumiya Haruhi isn’t the f
ifty-third card. She’s neither the King, nor the Ace, and she’s not the Joker even.

  “But…”

  I mumbled to myself.

  Looks like I can’t leave this like that anymore. Leaving Nagato aside, Asahina-san and Koizumi seem to be at their limits already. The world was probably the same as well… It’s just that I haven’t noticed.

  “Damn it…”

  This is so annoying! Damn! I’m feeling frustrated as well! I thought very hard, how could I cancel out Haruhi’s wild imagination? The movie world and our reality are two different objects, they don’t interfere with each other – what should I do to make her completely understand that? What can I do to make her once again accept what was once taken for granted? A dream…? What else besides that? There wasn’t much time until the school festival begins.

  The next day, I made a suggestion to Haruhi. After debating for a while, she finally nodded and agreed to it.

  “We’re done!”

  Haruhi shouted loudly while slapping her loudspeaker,

  “Nice job guys! All the filming is complete now! I’d like to thank everyone for their hard work, especially myself! Hmm, sometimes I really amaze myself, great job!”

  Hearing her announcement, Asahina-san the waitress finally slumped on her knees, and felt like weeping tears of joy. In fact, she was indeed weeping, but Haruhi had interpreted it as Asahina-san being moved by her speech.

  “Mikuru-chan, it’s still too early to cry now, save your tears until we receive the Palme d’Or or the Oscar for Best Picture! We’ll reap the success together then!”

  There was only a day left till the school festival. We were gathered at the rooftop of the school complex, as the filming schedule was so tight that we had no time even to eat.

  The final battle between Mikuru and Yuki was put to an end by Koizumi Itsuki, who, after suddenly becoming aware of his powers, used his incredible power to blast Yuki out to the other side of the universe.

  “This is perfect! A superb movie! Just as I expected! We’ll attract lots of studios wanting to buy this movie if we take it to Hollywood! But first we’ll need to sign a contract with a smart agent!”

  Haruhi’s embrace of globalization was breathtaking. I don’t know who would watch this movie, the only selling point would be its female protagonist, the other cast and crew weren’t even worth mentioning. If possible, I’d like to go as Asahina-san’s agent. I’m sure I could make a little bit of commission from this. I might as well try and groom Haruhi as the next idol. Maybe I should start by sending their photos and resumes.

  “Is it finally over?”

  Koizumi smiled cheerfully at me and said.

  Now that pissed me off, though that free of charge smile of his suited him just well. I prefer him this way instead of him looking melancholic, and that makes me really uncomfortable.

  “When you look back, now that filming is over, it feels as though it had all happened in an instant. Some people say time passes by quickly when one is happy, I wonder who the happy one is?”

  Who knows?

  “Can I count on you to take care of the rest? Right now all I’m thinking of is the play rehearsals for my class. Unlike a movie, you can’t do retakes in a play.”

  Koizumi carried his usual smile, and patted me on the back of my shoulder as he whispered, “There’s one more thing I need to thank you for, on behalf of the group, as well as myself.” He then left the rooftop. Following Koizumi, Nagato quietly left as well without carrying any emotions.

  Asahina-san had her shoulders wrapped by Haruhi’s arm as they looked out towards the sea in the distance.

  “Our target is Hollywood and Broadway!” she was forced to shout out loudly. It’s a good thing to have a great ambition, but if you go along the direction you’re currently facing, you’ll end up in Australia instead.

  “Sigh.”

  I sighed and sat down, putting the camera by my side. For Koizumi, Nagato and Asahina-san, things may well be over; but for me, the problems have merely begun. There were still things to do.

  Someone needs to find a way to convert this massive footage, which is basically a pile of worthless junk data, into a “movie.” And who’s in charge of that? I didn’t even have to guess.

  On Friday evening, only Haruhi and I remained in the clubroom, while the other three went to work on their respective classes’ activities.

  While it was good that filming was complete, it had dragged on for too long, and there was little time left to deal with other matters. After uploading the footage onto the computer and repeatedly viewing it, I came to a conclusion – this was basically a cheap promo-video for Asahina Mikuru.

  To be frank, until the very end I still had no idea what sort of movie Haruhi had made. The waitress, the girl of death, and the young man grinning like an idiot all the time, just what was wrong with their heads? And there simply wasn’t enough time to work on the post-production, like visual effects, not to mention we don’t have the skills to do it. Looks like we’ll just have to release this raw footage without going through any editing.

  Haruhi began to pout,

  “How could you show something that isn’t even complete? Don’t you have a solution?” Are you talking to me?

  “Rushing me won’t help, the school festival’s tomorrow, and I’m already trying my best. It’s already a headache for me to splice together all the scenes that you thought up in an instant. I don’t feel like watching any movies right now.”

  But Haruhi was good at quashing other people’s opinions instantaneously, “Wouldn’t you be able to make it if you stayed up all night?” Who’s going to stay up? I didn’t ask that, because right now there was only me, and Haruhi looking straight at me with her black sandalwood-like eyes.

  “We could just stay here tonight,”

  Haruhi then said something that made me very surprised, “I’ll help you.”

  Judging from the result, Haruhi never helped much. For a while she stood mumbling behind me, but within an hour, she was already lying asleep on the table. Really, I felt like filming her in her sleep. I could place the image of her sleeping in the movie’s ending.

  I might as well tell you, it seems I too have fallen asleep after a while. Because by the time I opened my eyes, the sun had already risen, and the keyboard was imprinted onto half of my face.

  So, staying up last night had no meaning whatsoever, the movie was still incomplete. I tried all ways to edit here and there, trying to make out a thirty minute movie, but it still looked like a piece of pathetic trash. I guess this is what a movie would look like when made by an impulsive amateur. It could have been fine if it only showed Asahina-san doing the shopping street commercials in her bunny-girl costume, but as the whole thing was cut and pasted together sloppily, pulling together a story that was pretty much non-existent, the movie was just unbearable. In the end, the movie wasn’t edited, and visual effects weren’t even added, it was just a hilariously rubbish movie. I don’t think even Taniguchi would want to watch that.

  I wanted to throw the computer out of the window, but the sunlight shining in caused me to squint my eyes. As I spent the whole night sleeping in an unnatural pose, I now felt aches all over my body.

  It was six-thirty when I was awakened by Haruhi, who had gotten up before me. Now that I think about it, this was the first time I spent the night at school.

  “Hey, so how’d it go?”

  Haruhi looked at the screen over my shoulder, so I moved the mouse and clicked on the screen.

  “…Wow!”

  Haruhi exclaimed delightedly, while I widened my jaw in shock. Our movie title was revealed in an impressive CG background. “The Adventure of Asahina Mikuru-chan Episode 00” then began. Though the story was very inconsistent, the lines could barely be heard, the camera could be seen shaking, even the director yelling was shown in the footage, but it seems to have reached a certain level for a movie made by high school students. Not only were there lasers shooting from Asahina-san’s eyes
, even Nagato’s wands emitted beams with strange colors.

  “Heh heh.”

  Even Haruhi was impressed,

  “Not bad at all! It’s not perfect, but it shows you can still come up with something as long as you put your heart into it.”

  It wasn’t me. It was probably someone else who did this while I was sleeping, there was no way I could do this. The most likely suspect was Nagato, followed by Koizumi. Asahina-san was out of the question. Or it could be a mysterious person who has yet to appear? That has to be it.

  For some time, we quietly watched the movie that somehow managed to edit itself. If it weren’t for this small screen… I’m sure our impression would be even greater if we saw it on a larger screen.

  The movie on the screen now showed its final scene, Koizumi and Asahina-san walked hand-in-hand under the path with cherry blossom petals fluttering about. The camera then panned up and faced the clear blue sky, whereupon the ending theme then began to play as the credits started rolling out.

  Finally, there was Haruhi’s disclaimer.

  It was a disclaimer that I convinced Haruhi to do at all costs. I told her that she must include this crucial element at the end of the movie, and it had to be done by the director herself.

  It was a magical disclaimer that would eliminate all of the problems created: “The events depicted in this movie are fictitious. It has nothing to do with any person, organization, and any other known terms and phenomena. It’s all made up nonsense. Any resemblance to the above is purely coincidental. Oh, the commercials are different. Please give your support to Oomori Electronics and the Yamatsuchi Model Store! Huh? You want me to repeat it? The events depicted in this movie are fictitious. It has nothing to do with any person, organiza—Kyon, why do I have to say this? Isn’t it obvious?”