by Avery Ford
“And it’s bothering you?” Dmitri rolled over, and Arthur adjusted his position. They spooned, Arthur tucked against Dmitri’s body. “You can tell Rachel that you don’t want to do it. I know that it’s hard to tell her no, but if it’s bothering you like that, it’s not worth it.”
“No, it’s not that.” Arthur sighed. “It’s been nice, actually. I really, really like what she’s been doing, and I feel like all of a sudden, I’m making an actual difference.”
“As opposed to what?”
Arthur’s fingers found Dmitri’s arm. They traced small patterns on Dmitri’s skin, and Dmitri closed his eyes and focused on the way Arthur’s touch made him feel.
“I feel like I’ve been helping on a shallow level by volunteering at the shelter,” Arthur said. “Taking care of the dogs and helping with cleaning is good, but it’s not what the shelter really needs, you know? What Locust Hill needs more than anything else is money, dog food, cat food, support… and all I’m able to offer is a little bit of my time that doesn’t make any kind of difference the next day. I mean, how many times have I scrubbed the same floors since I started? How many loads of laundry have I done that have to be redone in a few days’ time?”
“Helping on that level is just as valid as being in a place where you can donate,” Dmitri said. He wasn’t sure he truly understood what Arthur was getting at.
“But it’s more than that,” Arthur said. “It’s about being able to make a tangible difference. When I’m helping with what Rachel has planned, I feel like I’m really able to get out there and make a difference.”
“And that’s distressing you why?” Dmitri kissed the back of Arthur’s head. “Something’s keeping you up. If there’s something bothering you, I want to help you make it better.”
“It’s not that the volunteering is stressing me out…” Arthur hesitated. “It’s just that now that I’ve found something I’m really passionate about, it’s making me feel uncertain about my future, and where I stand.”
“Still not following.” Dmitri planted another kiss, breathing in the fragrance of Arthur’s shampoo. “Where you stand about what?”
“I… well.” Arthur sucked in a breath. “I applied for grad school. I was accepted to the school I wanted to go to, but now I don’t know.”
“Grad school?” Dmitri asked. He remembered, vaguely, Arthur or one of the Halifaxes mentioning grad school at some point, but it had completely slipped his mind until that moment.
“In Florida,” Arthur admitted. “I only have one more week to get my reply back to them before they automatically reject my application. They want me to go, but I… I’m not sure anymore.”
Dmitri’s heart sank. Florida was one hell of a drive from Vermont.
“When I started my undergraduate in biology, it was because I wanted to get my PhD and become a doctor specializing in genetics. It’s what my father did. It’s how I met Dr. Halifax. But… it’s never been what I wanted to do. Not really. Before now, I didn’t have anything in my life to prove it to me otherwise, but I… I really like what I’m doing with Rachel.”
Dmitri was still hung up over the mention of grad school in Florida. It was such a painfully far way away.
When he’d met Arthur, he’d told himself that kids from Corcavia weren’t invested in anything — that their lives were in such a state of flux that they could never settle down for long. The happiness he’d found in Arthur had temporarily blinded him to the truth, but Dmitri now saw clearly what he’d so willfully ignored before.
Arthur was still young. His way forward wasn’t set in stone. Going to school in Rollins was only a temporary milestone on his quest for success, and Dmitri was only a memory of his young adulthood that he’d look back on fondly.
But to Dmitri, Arthur was so much more than that.
His arms tightened around Arthur. Dmitri buried his nose in Arthur’s hair and breathed him in, doing his best to slough off the sorrow now sticking to his bones.
To him, Arthur was a partner. A lover. Someone whose position in Dmitri’s life was permanent — someone who he wanted more from.
It hurt to know that they weren’t on the same page.
“So I don’t know if I want to go anymore,” Arthur murmured. The darkness ate his words. “I don’t know what the best choice is for me.”
What Arthur said was that he didn’t know if he wanted to go to graduate school. What Dmitri’s heart heard was that he wasn’t sure if Dmitri was important enough to get him to stay. Dmitri winced, glad that Arthur’s back was to him so he couldn’t see the pained expression on his face.
“Whatever you end up choosing, do it for you,” Dmitri murmured. Whatever drowsiness he’d been feeling before was gone. The emotional turmoil over Arthur’s indecision worked better to wake him up than coffee ever could. “In the end, whatever you choose will be right. I’m sure of it.”
“Thank you,” Arthur whispered. He turned around so they were face to face and led Dmitri through a slow, but passionate kiss. “You always know how to make me feel better.”
“I try my best.”
Dmitri just wished he could do the same for himself.
31
Dmitri
The next morning, after Dmitri dropped Arthur off at Rachel’s, he headed back to his kennels. With nothing to do at Locust Hill, he had the day to take care of the dogs — and himself.
The same itching loneliness he’d felt the night after Annie’s AKC rally addled him, and after Dmitri parked, he sat back in his seat and regarded the kennel with a blank expression. His relationship with Arthur had been brief, but it had rocked him to his core. Arthur, sweet and shy and sometimes frustrating, had ripped his heart wide open and left him exposed. If he left now, he’d leave Dmitri in pieces.
Dmitri closed his eyes and focused on the rhythm of his breathing. In and out. In and out. He knew that he was getting worked up over a possibility, but the fact remained that if Arthur was thinking of leaving, he wasn’t nearly as committed to the concept of ‘them’ as Dmitri was.
It stung.
At last, Dmitri opened his eyes and exited the vehicle. He closed the door and headed for the kennel. The dogs were glad to see him, each of them lifting their heads as he entered. Annie lay curled around her puppies, and while she lifted her head, she settled back down quickly. She’d taken to motherhood incredibly well.
Dmitri let the dogs out one by one from their kennels. They nudged at his thighs and hovered closer to him than they usually did. Dmitri had no doubt they were picking up on his sorrow.
“You guys want out for a while?” Dmitri asked. Before obedience training, he wanted them worn out. “Tire yourselves out and then we’ll get down to business.”
Poindexter galloped toward the back door and started to pace. Dmitri followed him, the rest of the dogs in tow. He opened the door and all four of them ran for the enclosure. Dmitri left the door open and went to Annie’s kennel. As he opened the door, she lifted her head, then laid it back down. She’d never treated him as a threat to her babies before. She had such a gentle nature that he knew she never would.
Dmitri settled down beside Annie and the puppies. They were young and tiny, but already he was starting to detect personalities and witness traits appear. He smoothed his hands over Annie’s flank, showing her that it was all right, then selected one of the seven puppies from her side and held him up.
His small, pink stomach was still rounded with baby fat. He squirmed and made small noises, but Dmitri knew he was just being dramatic. Annie seemed to know it, too. She didn’t give Dmitri a second glance.
Dmitri set the puppy down in his lap and stroked his downy soft fur. The puppy curled up and went to sleep almost immediately. He was gentle, maybe not the boldest or the most confident, but he was a good boy. He was big enough that Dmitri knew he’d mature into a fine dog, and with Annie and Chance’s genes, he was destined for greatness.
He was the kind of dog that Dmitri would take to AKC rallies and h
ave pull rank. He was the kind of dog that Dmitri would raise with care, train until he was at the top of his game, and then sell to a loving owner or reputable breeder for thousands of dollars.
But that puppy? Dmitri stroked his fur and let himself think it through. That puppy was the one he wanted to give to Arthur. There would likely never be a dog so fine, but Arthur only deserved the best.
If they were to part ways, Dmitri wanted to give him something to remember their time together by. A dog like that would keep Arthur company through the loneliest days and protect him should he find himself alone and frightened. He’d be steadfast and loyal. He’d never leave Arthur’s side.
If Arthur would have him, the puppy would be his.
Dmitri reintroduced the puppy to Annie, and he squirmed into place between his siblings to look for a nipple to nurse from. Annie’s dark eyes stayed on Dmitri, watching him. He stroked her chest.
“How would you like it if one of your puppies went to Arthur?” Dmitri asked. “Not until he’s older, of course, but seven is a lot to take care of. Maybe we should trust him with one of your babies.”
Annie’s tail thumped.
“The rest will be staying here, and we’ll raise them just like I always have,” Dmitri told her. “They’ll grow into fine young dogs, and they’ll learn how to listen just as well as you do. And then, one day when they’re grown, they’ll be given to families worthy of them.”
Dmitri swallowed. The more he spoke, the worse he felt. For dogs, it was easy — their lives were entrusted to others, and they depended on and loved those who cared for them. It wasn’t so simple for people. People came and went. People loved, and then didn’t love. People lost.
Dmitri brushed a few frustrated tears from the corners of his eyes, then rose. He knew that he’d survive — he always had. After all, he’d always been a solitary creature. Even without Arthur, even without Locust Hill, he’d be fine. He’d get by on his own.
All he needed to do was remember how it felt to be on his own and steel himself against the loneliness he now felt more acutely than ever.
But for now, while he still had the chance, he intended to savor every last second he had with Arthur. He’d enjoy the best thing that had ever happened to him until it was gone. After that, he’d seal his heart for good.
It was better that way than to hurt like he did.
It was better to be alone than to risk losing someone he loved so dearly.
32
Arthur
Two days. Forty-eight hours.
It wasn’t enough.
Arthur turned the letter from Blackburn University in his hands, still not brave enough to open it up and read the message. It was an acceptance, he knew, but in addition to the acceptance was return paperwork he needed to send and fill out.
The deadline was in two days.
Two short days.
Arthur placed the envelope back in his bag and made the call he’d been dreading to make. The phone rang in his ear.
At last, it connected. “Hello?”
“Hello, Dr. Halifax,” Arthur said softly. “I was wondering if you’d be available to meet me for coffee. There’s something I want to talk about.”
Arthur eyed his lactose-free matcha latte, unwilling to lift his gaze. In his peripheral vision, he saw Dr. Halifax approach, then sit across from him. He had a mug of coffee.
“Hello, Arthur,” Dr. Halifax said. “I’m assuming since you didn’t call me Harry over the phone that this meeting is academic in nature?”
“You’re right.” Arthur let his eyes wander up the side of Dr. Halifax’s mug. It was strange to him that they’d gone from family friends, to teacher and student, to close friends, and back again. It left Arthur feeling even more uncertain about where they stood. “I’m… I’m having a hard time right now.”
“Why don’t we talk about it?”
“I’m not sure I know where to start.” Arthur drew his spoon through his drink, watching the swirls on top of his latte turn from white to green. “It feels like if I don’t tell you enough, it’s going to feel hollow and you won’t understand.”
“Try me,” Dr. Halifax challenged. “Believe it or not, I was once in the same position you were in. Granted, it was a long, long time ago, but I know what it feels like to be faced with so many choices.”
“It’s just…” Arthur fidgeted with his spoon. “I got accepted into the graduate program in biology at Blackburn University.”
“Congratulations.” Dr. Halifax crossed his arms and leaned upon the table. “That’s a prestigious program. You should be proud of yourself.”
“I am proud of myself,” Arthur admitted. “I worked really hard to get in. I busted my ass even when my world was crumbling. I wrote stellar introduction letters, and made sure all my references were in order, and I did it all without even thinking about it. I did it because I had to.”
Dr. Halifax said nothing.
“I mean, it’s what my father wanted, you know?” Arthur lifted his spoon, then let it sink back into the latte. “He always wanted for me to follow in his footsteps, and all I wanted in the world was to win his favor and impress him. But now that I’m finally at the point where I’m realizing that dream, it’s become clear to me that it was never my dream — it was always his.”
“Ah.” Dr. Halifax sipped at his coffee. “So studying genetics isn’t something you’re passionate about?”
“No.” Arthur laughed. All of it felt so futile. “No, I really couldn’t care less about genetics, or science, really. I mean, it’s really neat to learn, and I’m glad that I had this chance to figure it all out, but it’s like… it’s not what I want from life, and I feel like I’m learning that too late. I’ve already been accepted. It would be stupid of me not to go. I could make so much money if I stick it out.”
Dr. Halifax looked thoughtful. “But you don’t enjoy it?”
“No.” Arthur thinned his lips.
“Then why are you putting yourself through so much pressure?” Dr. Halifax sat back in his chair. “You know, if you don’t do something that speaks to you, every day you get up to go to work is going to feel like a chore. You’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery.”
“But wouldn’t I be setting myself up for misery if I left all that money on the table?” Arthur asked. He was scrambling for understanding, riddled with doubt. “If I stay here and do what really makes me happy, what kind of a life am I setting myself up for?”
Dr. Halifax threaded his fingers together. “I think I see what the problem is. To you, success means financial success, doesn’t it?”
Arthur hadn’t considered it before, but when it came down to it, he realized that Dr. Halifax was right.
“I guess so,” Arthur agreed.
“Arthur.” Dr. Halifax met his eye, and as much as Arthur felt like lowering his gaze, he returned the look. “There are more ways to be happy than to be rich. I acknowledge that the draw is very attractive to some, but it’s not the way forward for everyone.”
In that moment, the doctor bled away, leaving Harry in his place. Arthur sat across from a friend rather than an academic associate.
“If your heart isn’t telling you to pursue Blackburn, then shelve it for now. Decline their offer politely.” Harry’s hands met the coffee mug. He looked down into the liquid, and Arthur watched the thoughts flicker through his eyes. “There’s nothing wrong with waiting a year or two before applying again. I know that I’ll be happy to write you another glowing letter of recommendation. I’m sure many of the other professors at Corcavia feel the same.”
Arthur hesitated. Of all the possibilities he’d considered, he’d never thought of taking a break. A year or two wasn’t long, but it would be long enough to get his priorities straight and figure out what he wanted to do.
Working with Rachel had inspired him. The joy he got from working with the dogs at the shelter renewed him. Biology had never done that for him, and Arthur had a feeling that any job he secured w
ithin that field would bring him the same creeping sense of dread that an exam he was poorly prepared for did.
“You think they’ll accept me again in two years?” Arthur asked. “I mean, it’s Blackburn. They’re so exclusive…”
“If they wanted you once, there’s a reason for it,” Harry reasoned. “I’m sure if you politely decline, then apply again, they’ll look upon your application favorably.” He shrugged. “And if it turns out not to go so well, I could always talk to Jason Suwell, head of Blackburn’s biology program. He and I go way back. It’s not just your father I have connections with, you know.”
A smile broke out across Arthur’s face. The clouds parted. What had started as doubt and heartbreak was quickly shaping into something far more promising.
He’d found hope.
“Thank you for talking me through that,” Arthur said. “It was really eating at me.”
“I could tell.” Harry sipped at his coffee. “So, it’s been a while since we last spoke. Tell me, is Dmitri treating you well?”
Arthur choked on his own saliva. He pounded on his chest and sputtered as Harry laughed at him.
“Th-That’s not why I want to stay here so badly,” Arthur clarified. “I mean, it’s part of the reason, but…”
“No need to explain.” Harry’s mischievous grin persisted. “I remember what that was like, too.”
Arthur was sure he was red from head to foot.
“If he ever treats you with anything less than total respect, you need to let me know,” Harry said. “I’ll have Rachel chew his ear off.”
This time it was Arthur’s turn to laugh.
No matter what choices he made and no matter where life took him, it was good to know that he had friends to fall back on.
Blackburn University bound or not, he’d make it through. All he had to do was remember that no one was in charge of his future but himself.
33