Famous People

by Justin Kuritzkes

  And I was just like: Whoa, Oddvar. What the fuck?

  Patrick and Mo were not having it. They were just immediately like: No. They saw the taxi pull up at the gate on the security camera and they were like: What the fuck is this? What is he doing here? And they know Oddvar, you know, like, they like Oddvar, but the second they smell trouble or like, the second they get a whiff of something that’s a little out of the ordinary, they’re just like: Nope. This isn’t how you do this.

  Because you gotta understand, like: You can’t just show up at my house. I know that makes me seem like a dick or whatever, but like, I’m not just your buddy where you can roll up at my front door and surprise me and drop in on me unannounced. That’s kind of a loaded situation to put me in. You’ve gotta at least text me in advance or we have to have talked about it a little bit just so that I can let the guys know and nobody goes into crisis mode.

  But, you know, I heard the phone ring from the gate and I went and looked at the security camera and I saw that it was Oddvar, and I was like: What the fuck is HE doing here? So I talked to the guys, and I was like: Let me at least talk to him. Let me see what’s up.

  I asked him over the intercom like: What are you doing at my house, Oddvar? What’s going on? I thought I was seeing you in Europe?

  And Oddvar was just like: I know! I’m sorry, but I couldn’t wait! I quit working at the seed vault! I wanted to come see you!

  And I was like: You quit working at the seed vault?

  And Oddvar was like: Yes! It’s very exciting!

  And I was like: Why did you do that?

  And Oddvar was like: Let me come in! I’ll tell you all about it!

  And I looked at Patrick and Mo and they were shaking their heads like: No, man. No fucking way. But, you know, it’s Oddvar. I mean, he named a fucking seed after me. I wasn’t gonna leave him out on the street. I opened up the gate for him, and his taxi dropped him off at the front door, and we all went to go meet him in the entryway.

  And Oddvar comes in, and he looks fucking weird, you know? I mean, he’s not dressed weird or anything—actually, if anything, he was dressed super WELL. Like, he sort of looked crisp and clean in this very L.A. way, like he could’ve been any of those guys walking around Rodeo Drive—but something about him, something about his whole vibe was just off. I mean, he was wearing a pair of sunglasses, you know? Like, really nice sunglasses. And this is Oddvar we’re talking about. Usually, he just looks like a grad student.

  All the other times when I saw him, something I always really loved about Oddvar was that he was so chill, you know what I mean? Like, he sort of treated me like a scientist, or like, he always seemed to have this distance, this remove. But now that he was in my house, like, now that he was in my world, it was like ALL of that was gone. He was acting like a totally different person. Everything was fucking magical to him. He was moving through the house like I had touched every object with fairy stardust or like he was walking through an enchanted forest. And I offered him a sparkling water—like, just a normal fucking sparkling water—and he accepted it like: Wow, amazing. Wow. I mean, he really wasn’t doing himself any favors in terms of putting Patrick and Mo at ease.

  And after a while of giving him a tour of my place—I showed him the studio, which he totally lost his shit over, and the gym, and the pool, and he was drooling over everything, like, treating me like I was the president or something giving him a tour of the White House—I finally asked him, like: Yo, Oddvar, what do you mean you quit working at the seed vault?

  And Oddvar just gets this big smile on his face, and he goes, like, rapid fire: It was so stupid! LOL. What was I thinking! That place was never gonna work. You can’t save the world with a bunch of fucking SEEDS.

  And I was like: Oddvar, what are you talking about? The seed vault has been your whole life.

  And he was like: I know! So STUPID! But I’ve still got time to do something worthwhile! I’ve still got time to turn it around!

  And I was like: Is this all just because of the flood? I thought you said they were going to fix it?

  And Oddvar was like: Sure, yes, they “fixed it.” So what? How long until it floods again? How long until the next crisis? I’m done being an idiot. What kind of life is it to collect seeds in the middle of a mountain?

  And I was like: Oddvar, whoa, but come on, you can’t just give up like that.

  And Oddvar was like: I’m not giving up! Not in the least! I’m not giving up on the future. I’ve just realized that even at its best, the seed vault was always theoretical. Meanwhile, you’re right here! And I could’ve lost you! The whole world could’ve lost you!

  And I was like: Oddvar, I told you, it’s fine. I forgive you.

  And Oddvar was like: I know. I know. Your kindness and generosity astound me. But I’m done with that chapter of my life. There’s nothing you could do or say to convince me otherwise. When the flood happened, I was plunged into a deep depression. I couldn’t leave my room for days. I looked out my window at the ice and thought: Why not just walk out there and keep walking? Why not leave the vault with no clothes and no supplies and go meet Nature face-to-face to see how much she cares about my love for her? What will it be worth to her that I’ve spent my life in service of her preservation? What will it be worth to her that I’ve invested so much in the preservation of my species? I thought about all the seeds I had cataloged, all the days and nights I had spent printing out labels and sorting boxes, all the grant applications I’d filled out, all the phone calls I’d made, all the emails I’d sent back and forth with all the other seed vaults around the world, and I realized that it all amounted to nothing. It was all just a little club, a little game that a few sad idiots were playing to keep themselves occupied in the cold. It was a lie we had all told ourselves so that we could feel like we had some agency against the vast, uncaring power of the Universe. What could be more arrogant than to think you could bargain with Nature? Who could be so foolish? And then I remembered: This isn’t all I have. This isn’t the sum of who I am. I thought my work at the seed vault was my deepest connection with humanity, but in fact, it was my other life, what I had thought of before as my secondary life, where I had been harboring my REAL humanity. I’m a FAN. I’m your biggest fan. And, in a way, that makes me the biggest fan of humanity itself. I remembered the way I felt when I first heard “Don’t Look Back” all those years ago, and I realized that as long as I still had your voice, as long as humanity could still foster something as powerful and beautiful as your talent, there was still something meaningful that I could do. There was still some way that I could be useful to my fellow man. And so I resolved right then and there to begin my new life and move to Los Angeles.

  And I was like: You’re moving here?

  And he was like: Yes! Most of my things are still in Spitsbergen, but this is where I was meant to be! This is where I belong!

  And I was like: Oddvar, what are you even gonna DO here?

  And Oddvar was like: Well, actually, that’s what I wanted to come talk to you about …

  And then he just launched into this crazy monologue about how he wanted to come work for me. Like, he started rattling off all of these ideas he had for my career, and he pulled out his own tattoo map of my body—like, he KNEW we hired a graphic designer to draw one up. I talked to him about it a bunch of times—but for whatever reason, he spent all this time drawing up his own super-detailed diagram, and, like, it looked fine, I guess, but it was still like: Why did you waste all your time doing this, you know? What do you want ME to do with it?

  And the craziest part, I mean, the part that actually kind of pissed me off was that like, Oddvar started telling me all his ideas for my fourth album. He was just like: Listen, I’ve been thinking a lot about it, and I know you’ve been having trouble figuring out what the next album’s gonna be, so here are all my ideas, and he started listing people he thought I should work with and songs he thought I should sample and potential names for the album, and it was just
like: What the fuck is going on with you? I mean, obviously I haven’t told Oddvar that it’s a video game, but still, it’s like, Oddvar never just launches in with his two cents like that. It was really uncharacteristic.

  And so I was just like: Listen, Oddvar, this is all a little heavy. I wish you would’ve warned me about all this in an email or something before you made your decision.

  And Oddvar was like: Of course. Of course. Take your time. But just know that when you’re ready, I’ll be here. I am your faithful servant for life. You’re my guardian angel.

  And so we hung out for a bit more at the house—I didn’t really know what to say to him, so we mostly just like, sat there on the couch, and he would smile at me and then look around and go: Wow. Wow—and then later that night, I took him out on the town.

  I mean, honestly, I just wanted to chill while I was in L.A., you know? Like, I really could’ve used that time to decompress and relax and just be alone and think about the book—I have to submit a draft to the publishers soon, so I wasn’t really planning on going out and seeing people at all—but the vibe at home with Oddvar just hanging around on my couch, being a total fucking freak about everything and foaming at the mouth, was kind of freaking me out, and I figured if we at least got out of the house, maybe it’d get a little better. So I said to him, like: Yo, let’s get out of here. Let’s go eat some sushi and check out a club or two. And Oddvar was like: Wow, amazing! A truly authentic L.A. experience! And so I called up a few people to see if they wanted to meet up with us, and we ended up getting together with Z Bunny and a few people from his crew.

  And the whole time we were out, Oddvar was being super weird with everybody. It was like everything was the coolest thing he had ever seen. He was laughing WAY too hard at people’s jokes, and like, taking selfies with everybody the whole time, and asking Z about all of his tattoos, and asking all of Z’s crew like: And what do YOU do? And what do YOU do? And he was telling anyone who would listen about how fucking stupid the seed vault was and what an idiot he had been to devote his life to it and how L.A. was the only sane place on Earth, and I even had to tap him on the shoulder a few times and be like: Yo, man, chill. Calm down a little bit.

  And then in the club, he just got super-wasted. Like, he was paying for everybody’s drinks—I kept telling him he didn’t have to since he was my guest, but he was like: No, no, it’s all on me. I love this place! I love it!—and he was putting away like, five, six, maybe seven drinks within the first HOUR that we were there. I didn’t even know he LIKED drinking at all, you know, but here he was like, trying to shut the bar down.

  And at a certain point, like, the club started playing “Love Hug”—you know, that song I made with Z a few years ago—and Oddvar just lost his shit. Like, he was treating it like it was the biggest coincidence in the world, and it was just like: Dude, this shit happens all the time. It’s not that big of a deal. But Oddvar was singing along to it and trying to dance with me and get me to sing along with it, and like, he was rapping all the words to Z’s part, and people were looking at him like: WTF? Patrick and Mo were watching him like HAWKS, you know? They just wanted to get rid of him.

  And so when it came time for everyone to go home, me and Patrick and Mo had this little conference about what to do with Oddvar, and I mean, it wasn’t THAT late, but I think Z and his crew were kind of weirded out by the whole situation, and I was pretty tired, because we had just been grinding for so many weeks in a row, and so Patrick and Mo were like: Let’s go. Oddvar can find his own way home. And I looked over at Oddvar, and he was like, dancing by himself, like, wobbling all over the place, starting on his ninth or tenth drink, and I was just like: Guys, dude is WASTED. I don’t even know if he has a place to stay tonight. Let’s just put him up in the guesthouse.

  And Patrick got pissed. I mean, literally, I could see the veins popping out of his forehead. I’ve never seen him so angry at me before. He was just like: You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.

  And I was like: Dude, we can’t just LEAVE him here. He doesn’t know anybody in L.A.

  And Patrick was like: He’s a grown man. He can figure it out.

  And I was like: Come on, man. He hosted us on a fucking island in the middle of nowhere. The least we can do is make sure he doesn’t choke on his own vomit.

  And Patrick was like: The guy is bad vibes. We need to get rid of him. Now.

  And I was like: Patrick, it’s Oddvar.

  And Patrick was like: Does that look like fucking Oddvar to you?

  And we looked over at him, and he was like, drunkenly trying to do the Macarena or something in the middle of the dance floor, and we were both just sort of like: Fuck, man. What’s going ON here?

  And during the whole car ride home, Oddvar was just looking out the window at L.A. being like: This is the PLACE! This is the PLACE! Even when we were stopped at a red light in front of a gas station, Oddvar was just like: YES! I love it!

  And back home, like, I wanted to make sure he got back to his room okay, you know, since he was sort of tripping around all over the place, and so me and the guys put our arms around him and got him into the guesthouse, and like, we sat him down on the bed, and I was like: You okay, Oddvar? You need some water?

  And Oddvar was like: I’m amazing. Never been better. Thank you. Thank you.

  And I was like: All right, man. Good night. Get some rest.

  And Oddvar was like: Thank you for existing. Thank you for your life.

  And I was like: Sleep tight, man. Go to bed.

  And I started to leave, but Oddvar was like: Wait! Wait. I need to tell you something.

  And I was like: What’s up, Oddvar? What’s going on?

  And Oddvar was like: Just you. I just want to tell you.

  And I was like: Patrick and Mo can’t hear it?

  And Oddvar was like: No! No. Just you!

  And I looked at Patrick and Mo, and they both just looked at me like: No fucking way. We’re not moving an inch. And so I looked back at Oddvar, and I was like: Why don’t you just tell me tomorrow, okay?

  And Oddvar sort of slurred-shouted something.

  And I was like: Huh? I couldn’t hear you.

  And Oddvar was like: I love you.

  And I was like: I love you too, man. Good night.

  And Oddvar was like: I love you. I really love you.

  And I was, like: Okay, man, that’s dope. Go to bed.

  And Oddvar was like: Be my baby …

  And I was like: What?

  And Oddvar grabbed my arm, and he was like: Kiss me!

  And already the guys were rushing over to pull him off of me, but Oddvar was like, grabbing my shoulders and trying to bring me down to him on the bed—he was drunk as hell, but he had all this strength, you know? It was like he was possessed by something—and he was just like: Kiss me! Kiss me!

  And I was like: Oddvar! What the fuck? Let go of me!

  And his face looked so desperate, you know? Like, there was so much sadness in it, but there was also this sort of hunger. And he was just like: Kiss me. Kiss me.

  And Patrick and Mo started grabbing him really roughly to get him off of me, and I was immediately like: Guys! Take it easy! Don’t hurt him!

  And Oddvar was like: Kiss me! Please! Kiss me!

  And Patrick was ready to throw down—like, he had his fist cocked back and he was ready to smash Oddvar’s face in—but I was like: Patrick! Chill! It’s okay!

  And so Patrick just threw him down on the mattress, like, really hard, and immediately, Oddvar started throwing up all over the side of the bed.

  It got all over my shoes and Patrick’s shoes and Mo’s shirt, and we were all just like: Fuck, man! What the fuck?

  And right when he was done, like, right after the last little bits of it came out of his mouth, Oddvar just cocked his head back onto the pillow and fell asleep. He was just like: PLOP, and, instantly, he was out.

  And Patrick was like: I’m gonna wake this motherfucker up right now and throw him
out on the street. I mean, seriously, Patrick was pissed. He was about to do some military shit.

  But I was like: Patrick, it’s fine, man. Let him sleep. The housekeepers will clean this up in the morning.

  And so Patrick just kind of threw his hands up in the air and left the room. He didn’t even say good night to me or anything.

  And I looked at Oddvar for a second—he was lying there snoring and shit, and for the first time all night, he looked kind of peaceful, you know? Like, he almost kind of looked like his old self—but then he started humming “Love Hug” in his sleep, and so I left the room.

  And the next day when I woke up and went to go check on him, he was gone. No note, no apology, nothing. He had cleaned up all the vomit and like, made the bed, and gathered up all his shit, and he was out of there. It was like he was never there in the first place.

  And I sent him an email being like: What the fuck, man? Where’d you go?

  But I haven’t heard anything back from him.

  * * *

  #56—Left lower stomach. This is the face of that woman who tried to kill me in Australia. For the longest time, I kept thinking I was seeing her all over the place, you know? Like, I’d think she was gonna turn up on the street in L.A. or like, show up at a concert in Oklahoma, and so I just thought like, if I just put her on my body, at least she’ll always be there with me. There will be nothing left to fear. Sometimes, I just think about that woman’s life. For whatever reason, I imagine that it’s super-fucking-normal. Like, I bet she’s a school nurse or something. I bet her family doesn’t have any clue what she tried to do to me. I didn’t have a picture of her or anything, so I just described her face as best as I could remember it to Optimus, and he tatted it as I went along. It was like a police sketch or something, except it was in black ink and it was on my stomach. That’s where she almost cut me.