The Goodbye Gift

by Amanda Brooke

  ‘What’s going on?’

  Two innocent faces looked back at her. ‘We were just passing and thought we’d invite you to lunch. I hear the hospital food here is delicious,’ Julia said.

  ‘Scrummy even,’ Phoebe added.

  Having a lunch hour was a luxury the department could ill afford and the refusal was already forming on Helen’s lips when another nurse patted her shoulder.

  ‘You need a break, Helen. We’ll manage.’

  ‘Can she go now?’

  Her colleague was already taking the patient notes Helen was holding. ‘Of course she can. She’s not indispensable even if she’d like to think she is.’

  The three friends made their way through the maze of corridors to a small café. Helen hadn’t eaten much during the last few days but along with her coffee, she picked up a packet of crisps she knew she wouldn’t be able to finish. She found a table while Julia and Phoebe made their own selections before proceeding to argue over the bill.

  ‘Who do I owe money to?’ Helen asked when her friends had joined her.

  ‘Put that away,’ Julia said, glaring at Helen’s purse. ‘This is our treat.’

  ‘Your treat,’ Phoebe corrected.

  Pulling apart the packet of crisps, Helen felt a now familiar wave of nausea begin to build. It wasn’t the smell of cheese and onion, but a certain sick feeling that arrived every time she thought about Milly. Her stomach was guaranteed to do a somersault the moment some well-meaning friend made her talk about it.

  ‘Phoebe told me what’s going on,’ Julia started. ‘Why didn’t you tell me, Helen?’

  ‘I was hoping it would blow over.’

  ‘And has it?’

  Helen shook her head. ‘I spoke to John again last night.’

  ‘And?’

  ‘No one’s rushing into anything. We both know what Milly’s like.’

  ‘Exactly! Look at the way she was with the baby,’ Julia said. ‘One minute she was determined to have nothing more to do with John and his new family, and the next …’

  Helen knew exactly what Milly was like and there was a grain of comfort in Julia’s words. Anything could happen, and she had to keep believing that. ‘We’ve agreed not to do anything until half term. She was going to stay with John then anyway, and if she doesn’t want to come home afterwards, well … She won’t.’

  ‘And is Milly OK with leaving it until then?’ Phoebe asked.

  ‘Despite appearances,’ Helen said, ‘Milly does not rule the roost.’

  ‘She’ll come home again,’ Julia added firmly. ‘She has to.’

  The agony Julia was trying so hard to hide was deep enough to be a mother’s pain and Helen was finding it excruciating to watch. ‘I hope so, Julia. Oh, God, I hope so. I have one month to convince her that I’m the best mum in the world, and that spending time with me is far better than living with a screaming baby. Just you wait until the first time Ollie pukes up all over her favourite trainers. You can bet there’ll be hell to pay.’

  Julia’s lip trembled and it was impossible to tell if it was at the thought of losing unlimited access to Milly, or simply the picture Helen had been painting, which would be pure bliss to her friend. Helen wasn’t strong enough to offer assurances of her own and felt a sense of relief when a waitress arrived with three piping hot paninis to distract them.

  ‘I didn’t want anything,’ Helen said.

  ‘Mother Julia insisted,’ offered Phoebe. ‘You look like you’re about to waste away.’

  Julia pushed the food a little closer to Helen. ‘And we’re not leaving until you’ve cleared your plate.’

  With little chance of winning the argument, Helen tore an inch off the end of the roll, pulling at strings of cheese and ham as she went. Rather than endure having her friends watch her every mouthful, she diverted attention to Phoebe. ‘You look like you’ve skipped a meal or two.’

  ‘New Year, new diet.’

  ‘And you’re growing your hair out too,’ Julia noted. ‘Are you going for a complete makeover?’

  Phoebe shrugged and wouldn’t meet her friends’ gaze. ‘Come next week, everything’s going to change.’

  ‘I hope that means your nan’s still going,’ said Helen.

  ‘Next Monday. Her bags are packed and there’s no talking her out of it.’

  Helen couldn’t remember the last time she had seen Phoebe’s grandmother and was in no rush to do so. The drugs Theresa was prescribed to combat Alzheimer’s meant she was even more cantankerous and obstinate than ever, and that was saying something. Helen had never liked visiting the Dodd household at the best of times. When they were children, Phoebe’s mum could be fun when she wasn’t hiding away in her room, but the grandmother had always terrified her and still did. ‘You never could argue with her once her mind was settled.’

  ‘I still feel guilty though.’

  ‘Don’t,’ Julia insisted. ‘If I know your nan, she’s doing this as much for herself as you. If she felt capable of staying put so she could carry on dictating your life, then she would. She’s only going now because she can’t face having the tables turned.’ When Phoebe could only shrug in response, she added, ‘You’ve got exciting times ahead, Phoebe, and I think we should go out and celebrate.’

  ‘Not me,’ Helen said. ‘I’m a stay-at-home mum until further notice.’

  Julia and Phoebe looked at her, not quite believing what they were hearing.

  ‘What?’ Helen asked, looking at Julia in particular because she would be the hardest to convince.

  ‘And exactly how long is this saintly attitude going to last?’

  ‘Forever, Julia,’ Helen said in a tone that she had heard Milly use so often.

  ‘But you can still go out when Milly’s at her dad’s,’ Phoebe said. ‘How about this weekend? Milly need never know.’

  Julia pulled a face. ‘Sorry, I can’t. Paul and I are going away for a theatre break.’

  ‘That’s news to me!’

  Julia and Helen both gave Phoebe a quizzical look but it was Julia who replied. ‘I didn’t know I had to run all our trips past you first?’

  ‘Sorry, it’s just that I was counting on Paul being able to give me a driving lesson. It’s been ages, Julia, and I really do need to keep up with the lessons.’

  ‘Isn’t there someone else you can ask? I know it was my idea,’ Julia said, ‘but I hadn’t realized how much I liked having my husband to myself at the weekend.’

  ‘Maybe it’s time to start proper lessons,’ Helen said.

  ‘I’m saving up for our holiday, and speaking of which, I think it’s time we booked.’

  ‘I can’t help wondering if it was really meant to be,’ Julia said with a note of finality. ‘You can’t afford it, Helen won’t want to leave Milly, and I go back to see the consultant at the end of the month. I don’t know how the results are going to go and I don’t want to leave Paul.’

  ‘You mean you do know how the results will go and you want to hang around to console him,’ Helen corrected.

  ‘You can’t prejudge the results,’ Phoebe told her.

  ‘Although some people seem to be giving it a good try,’ Julia said, looking at Phoebe rather than Helen who had come closest to voicing a prediction.

  The atmosphere had turned decidedly tense and it was left to Helen to raise their spirits. ‘Hey, I thought we were going to celebrate our one-hundredth year in style. Julia, I know we’re all facing major change in our lives but we won’t hit these milestones again and we need to seize the moment.’

  She looked from one friend to the other and for a split second she thought she glimpsed a hairline crack in their friendship. It was a crack that had been papered over once already and she needed Julia and Phoebe to concentrate on the feelings they shared for each other, and not for someone else. ‘OK, so I hate the thought of leaving Milly right now but she’ll be spending that week with John irrespective of what she decides to do long term. And if she does choose to abandon me, then I’m relyin
g on some damn good memories of our trip to keep me warm at night.’

  Phoebe had bowed her head and was playing with her fingernails. ‘I still want to go,’ she said.

  ‘Julia?’ Helen asked.

  With an imperceptible shrug, Julia said, ‘Whatever the results from the consultant, it’s going to take time to digest the information and decide our next plan of action. Maybe it would be good to have some time apart to collect our thoughts.’

  Helen leaned back in her chair and sighed. ‘Well, now that we’re all raring to go,’ she said in a monotone voice, ‘I can’t wait. This trip is going to be unforgettable.’

  ‘Oh, for goodness’ sake, yes, of course I want to go,’ Julia said before stuffing the remainder of her panini in her mouth.

  It was only when they were all ready to leave and Phoebe had nipped into the ladies, that Helen had a chance to speak to Julia alone. ‘You really don’t want Paul giving Phoebe lessons, do you?’

  ‘Is it that obvious?’

  ‘Well …’

  Julia busied herself slipping on her gloves and arranging the scarf around her neck.

  ‘Julia?’

  ‘I swear this baby thing has turned me into a neurotic wife.’

  ‘What do you mean?’ Helen asked, even though she could guess the answer.

  ‘Things between me and Paul are OK at the moment, but it’s taking a lot of effort from both of us to make it work and I don’t know, Helen … Sometimes I wonder if the past is catching up with us. I never expected Paul to be so eager to give Phoebe lessons, and I know it was probably only because he found it easier being anywhere except with me for a while, but even so …’ She took a breath and then said, ‘It really pissed me off that he was actually enjoying being with her and I was jealous. There, I’ve admitted it and I’m not proud, which is why you can’t say anything to Phoebe. I know it’s not being fair to her. I’m being irrational and that’s why I’m trying to tackle things subtly by making Paul too busy with me to have any time for anyone else. Is that really bad of me?’

  ‘No, of course not, it sounds exactly the right thing to do.’

  ‘But I am awful for even thinking there’s something to worry about, aren’t I?’

  ‘No,’ Helen said while thinking she must be equally as bad. But the problem wasn’t in the present, it was in the past and what had been done couldn’t be undone.

  It had been awkward for everyone when Julia had started dating Paul, especially when it turned out that he was a pretty good catch after all rather than the creep Helen had assumed him to be. But it wasn’t as if Phoebe and Paul had been involved in some passionate affair, and once it had become clear that Paul was as much in love with Julia as she was with him, Phoebe had been as relieved as Helen that she had found ‘the one’ to mend her broken heart. There had never been the slightest suggestion that she had still been nurturing feelings for Paul. Phoebe was their friend.

  ‘It’s my own fault,’ Julia said. ‘I’ve been so convinced that it was my age stopping us getting pregnant and convincing myself I would be able to set Paul free to be a father with someone else if I had to, that I never seriously considered what would happen if it was him. We still don’t know but it could be and what happens then? Would he feel obliged to set me free?’

  ‘Seriously, Julia – and I don’t say this very often but I’m going to enjoy it – you’re being childish! Neither of you would ever give up on each other, and I think you know that. Isn’t that why you’re being paranoid? You’re jealous and I think it’s quite nice that you should be so possessive of your man. You and Paul were made for each other and whatever happens, you can’t lose sight of that.’

  ‘I lost sight of everything except having a baby for a while,’ Julia admitted. ‘But Paul was right all along. Taking a break from trying has taken some of the pressure off. I won’t deny it’s still there in the back of my mind every time we have sex, and when I came on again last week I was as heartbroken as always, but the rest of the time, it’s good, or at least it’s getting better.’

  When Phoebe reappeared, she was oblivious to the conversation that had just taken place and gave them both a determined smile. ‘I was thinking I might take a trip to the travel agent’s next week and see what’s on offer.’

  ‘Do you think you’ll be able to book something?’ Helen asked.

  ‘I’d rather just pick up some ideas first, like the best places to stay. I know we need to watch our pennies but I have a feeling you two will kill me if we end up in a fleapit.’

  ‘We wouldn’t. I trust you implicitly,’ Julia promised her.

  ‘Me too,’ Helen said and let the relief wash over her. Everything was as it should be and if they had been musketeers they would have lifted their swords and made some exclamation about being all for one. Instead they hugged each other tightly.

  ‘I’m really glad you came,’ Helen said. ‘I don’t know what I’d do without you both.’

  Julia’s eyes were heavy as she sat in the back of the taxi, her head resting on Paul’s shoulder as they pulled away from the station in the direction of home. It had been a hectic weekend and the train journey back from London had seemed to take twice as long as the one going out. She wanted to be home in her bed, even if her sheets weren’t going to be as starched or as white as the ones in the hotel they had stayed in the night before.

  Paul kissed the top of her head. ‘Are you falling asleep?’

  Julia closed her eyes. ‘No,’ she said with a soft groan and then fell silent.

  Before she could drift off, he whispered, ‘I love you.’

  ‘And I love you. So much, Paul.’

  ‘I enjoyed our little trip.’

  ‘Me too.’

  ‘We should do stuff like this every weekend.’

  Julia groaned again. The three-day trip had been a heady mix of shopping, fine dining and visits to the theatre, two museums and one art gallery, but it wasn’t something she would want to repeat again in a hurry.

  ‘OK, maybe not every week,’ he conceded when he noticed his wife’s head lolling.

  Julia tried to stay awake. ‘And not forever. Only until … things change,’ she said, leaving a pause because she was too sleepy to edit her words quickly enough.

  ‘Hmm,’ he said.

  The sound Paul made held too much uncertainty for Julia’s liking. ‘Don’t give up, Paul, not yet.’

  He kissed her head again by way of an answer and then lifted his arm so Julia could snuggle closer. She felt warm and contented until a cold, insidious doubt made her wonder if this was how the rest of their life was meant to play out. Would it be so bad to have so much free time and spare cash to spend on each other instead of the children they seemed destined not to have? No, it wouldn’t be so bad, it would be good, she told herself. The problem was that while she could learn to live with the emptiness, she couldn’t pretend it wasn’t there. Even the little girl who they borrowed now and again was slipping from their grasp.

  ‘Maybe we should invite Helen along on one of our trips,’ she said. ‘If Milly leaves, she’s going to have more time on her hands than she knows what to do with.’

  ‘Hmm,’ Paul said again. ‘You’ll be suggesting we invite Phoebe next. Don’t forget she’s going to be on her own too after tomorrow.’

  Julia hadn’t forgotten about Phoebe, she simply hadn’t had a good enough heart to include her. She wished she could ignore her paranoia, but it had gained strength simply by hearing Paul speak her name. ‘Would you really want to come away with all of us?’ she asked.

  She felt his body shake as he laughed softly. ‘No, I suppose not.’

  Letting her mind go off at a tangent without warning Paul, she asked, ‘Don’t you feel guilty?’

  The laughing stopped. ‘About what?’

  ‘About letting Phoebe down over the driving lessons.’

  With her ear pressed against his chest, she could hear his heart beating that little bit faster. ‘It’s been good taking time out to ind
ulge ourselves, Julia,’ he said. ‘We shouldn’t feel guilty about that.’

  Julia wanted to lift her head and look into her husband’s eyes when she asked the next question but she wasn’t that brave. ‘But you do feel guilty about something?’

  Paul took his time answering and there was a moment when Julia thought he wouldn’t, but then he said, ‘Isn’t it obvious?’

  She managed to raise herself up so she could face him as he made his confession. The irrational part of her which had been ruling her emotions told her to prepare for her worst nightmare, something worse than facing a life without children – facing a life without Paul. But as she caught the pained expression on his face, she didn’t just wake up, she came to her senses. Enough was enough. She had been letting her insecurities eat away at her belief in her husband and if anyone was feeling guilty now it was her. ‘You haven’t done anything wrong,’ she told him.

  ‘That’s a matter of medical opinion.’

  As confrontations went, this was a tame one, cowardly even, but it had at least brought her some resolution.

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ she said.

  ‘And what do you have to be sorry for?’ he asked.

  ‘Everything.’

  Helen began the following week in relatively high spirits thanks in part to her friends, but also her mum who had cosseted her over the weekend while Milly was at John’s. The cherry on the cake was when Milly had returned home and had actually looked happy to see her.

  That good feeling lasted all through her Monday shift and when she boarded the bus home, she happily returned the smile of a fellow passenger.

  ‘Hello,’ the lady said. ‘It’s …’

  ‘Helen,’ she offered when she had come alongside her.

  From the puzzled look on Helen’s face, the woman guessed she was at a loss and said, ‘I’m Beryl.’

  It was of no help but then Helen recalled fragments of a conversation on her commute home before Christmas. ‘Of course,’ she said with a wide grin. ‘And don’t worry, I’m not looking for a babysitter this evening.’