The Goodbye Gift

by Amanda Brooke

  Helen was a little more difficult to get hold of so Phoebe was forced to leave a voicemail message and then followed it up with a text for good measure. She hoped the clinic wasn’t so busy that Helen would miss both. All she could do now was wait, and as she did she watched other customers book their holidays with relative ease compared to what had been a long and difficult journey for herself and her friends. It was only when she spotted a young girl coming into the travel agent’s that she realized it wasn’t necessarily plain sailing for everyone else either.

  The girl was small and slight with the body of a child but had the presence of someone who had already lived a lifetime. There were no more seats available and without hesitation Phoebe stood up and offered hers. A middle-aged man who had been sitting next to Phoebe jumped up at the same time and there was a brief argument before he got his way and the two ladies took their seats.

  ‘Thank you,’ the woman with blue-tinged lips said to them both when she could catch her breath.

  ‘I’m surprised it’s so busy,’ Phoebe said to her.

  ‘Have you seen the weather out there? I can’t wait to get away.’

  ‘Where are you off to?’

  The woman was looking straight ahead, staring at a poster of golden shores cooled by crystal blue waters. ‘Somewhere warm. Anywhere that isn’t here.’

  ‘You have a point,’ Phoebe agreed.

  ‘So what about you, then?’ the woman asked and when Phoebe gave her the edited highlights of her trip, her eyes opened wide in wonder.

  ‘I wish I could do something like that but my mum is already throwing a fit about this trip. She doesn’t think I’m well enough, but I’ve gone past the point of caring. Life’s too short to have regrets.’

  ‘Is your mum going with you?’

  ‘God, no. She’d have me panicking the whole time and thankfully she’s terrified of flying. I’m taking my sister Hayley and we only want to go away for a few days, not even a whole week. I’ve never been abroad before and I’d like to go just once. I’m hoping we can get away soon, just in case things change.’

  Phoebe could only imagine what challenges the young woman faced but she envied her attitude. ‘I wish I had your determination.’

  ‘You’re about to set off on the trip of a lifetime and you don’t think you’re determined?’

  ‘Ruthless maybe, but not determined,’ Phoebe said. The look on the woman’s face invited her to say more and Phoebe was about to shrug but then carried on talking. ‘I’ve lived with my nan for most of my life and it’s just been the two of us for a while now. Her health started to deteriorate, and then she was diagnosed with the early stages of Alzheimer’s – except maybe it isn’t early stages any more. I think we’ve both been fooling ourselves. She forgets who she is and who I am so I can terrify her simply by walking through the door.’

  ‘Is she going into a home?’

  ‘She’s already there, as of this morning. And here I am, jetting off on my travels. It feels unreal,’ Phoebe said and then, checking her feelings, corrected herself. ‘And it feels liberating. I know my nan spent her life looking after her family and I should be eternally grateful – I am grateful – but I gave up a lot too.’ Phoebe had already given a similar speech to the staff at the home, and there was no reason to explain herself to another stranger but she supposed if she justified her actions often enough, she might be convinced by them too. ‘If things had been different, I could have been jetting off regularly to Paris and New York, I could have been living in London.’ She released a deep sigh. ‘Actually, there’s a lot of things I could have done but didn’t. So why should I feel so guilty about one holiday?’

  ‘But you do,’ the woman said. ‘And you’re not the only one who feels guilty.’

  ‘About your mum?’

  ‘She’s worried I won’t make it home again, and it is a risk, but I’d rather die knowing I tried to live. Unfortunately, I don’t think that would give Mum much comfort.’

  ‘But it’s not going to stop you doing it,’ Phoebe concluded.

  ‘No, and I’d say we both need to stop feeling guilty …’ She paused, waiting for Phoebe to offer her name.

  ‘Phoebe.’

  ‘I’m Lucy,’ she said. ‘We should be living for the moment and to hell with the consequences if it means we can turn an ordinary day into one we’ll never forget.’

  ‘This is most definitely a day I’ll remember.’

  Lucy gave her a smile. ‘Me too.’

  That short conversation wasn’t quite enough to absolve Phoebe of her sins, but it gave her the impetus to book the holiday once Helen had phoned back and asked what on earth she was waiting for, of course she still wanted to go. Her friend’s excitement was contagious and on the way home, Phoebe started making a mental list of all the things they needed to do. There were practical considerations like travel insurance and visas and then there were the more complicated decisions about what to take. She would have to be selective if she was going to leave enough spare capacity in her suitcase for the spoils of their international shopping trip, but she had advised customers often enough on how to put together a capsule wardrobe for their holidays and was looking forward to applying those skills to herself for a change.

  Phoebe was so absorbed in this mental task that she didn’t think about her nan until she stepped into an eerily quiet house and felt a cold shock of fear, her body reacting to the memory of the week before when the silence had been the precursor to an attack.

  Standing in the hallway, the stillness was so heavy that it crushed her buoyant mood until all she felt was emptiness. Even the cat was nowhere to be seen and she couldn’t blame him for snubbing her. Leonard would be farmed out to a cattery, which meant there would be no one to welcome her home when she returned from her travels. Helen might be coming home to an empty nest too, of course, but at least she had an extended family who would have missed her and, by the sounds of it, an admirer too. Who did Phoebe have except an indifferent cat? Her nan might miss her now but in time her memory would fail and Phoebe would be erased from the old lady’s life. At that moment, it felt like her nan had already been expunged from hers.

  It was only when her mobile began to ring and she saw the name on the screen, that a smile was tempted from her lips.

  ‘Hi, Julia,’ she said as she stepped deeper into the house.

  ‘It’s only a quick call. I was just thinking how strange it’s going to be for you tonight. If you want to, you could always come over for dinner?’

  Phoebe’s smile broadened but there was pain in her eyes that Julia couldn’t see nor would she suspect. Now was not the time for Phoebe to observe the comfortable machinations of a married couple, especially one that involved Paul. ‘That’s really sweet of you, but I need to get used to being on my own, and besides, I promised the home I’d go back this evening to see how Nan’s settling in.’

  ‘OK, if you’re sure,’ Julia said. ‘But just so you know, this is an open offer. Any time you feel like you need some company, you only have to ask.’

  ‘Thank you, Julia. Maybe after we get back.’

  ‘Or before,’ Julia said with the kind of tone that suggested she already had plans that her friend wouldn’t be able to wriggle out of so easily. ‘Will you be home on Sunday morning?’

  ‘Erm, I suppose so.’

  ‘Well, make sure you are. Expect a visit at about ten.’

  ‘What? Why?’

  ‘Never you mind, just be ready.’

  Sunday was little more than a week before they were all due to set off and it came around faster than Phoebe would have liked. There was still so much to do. She had hauled an old suitcase out of the loft and had it open in the middle of the floor in the smallest of the three empty bedrooms. The room had been hers when she was a little girl, but its previous life of lavender walls and My Little Pony accessories had been erased with a coat of cream paint and a beige carpet that left it a blank canvas, much like Phoebe’s life.

  She
had already started packing the case with clothes including a simple yet daring bodycon dress which she had picked out merely because it was lightweight and then was pleasantly surprised when she had tried it on. With little to no appetite, her dieting was really showing results and when she held the taut turquoise material against her body now, she felt something stirring deep inside that she hadn’t felt for years. Could it be that she was getting her spark back?

  Folding the dress, she glanced out of the bedroom window and saw a red car pull up. She hoped there would be two occupants but to her surprise there was only one, and it wasn’t the one she had been expecting.

  ‘I thought Julia was coming?’ she asked, aware that her voice was trembling after rushing downstairs at breakneck speed and opening the door before her visitor had a chance to knock.

  Paul had stepped into the porch but seemed reluctant to go further. There was a look of confusion on his face. ‘Didn’t she tell you? I’m here to give you a driving lesson,’ he said, dangling his car keys in front of her.

  Phoebe stared at the keys. ‘But … I thought she didn’t …’

  ‘So did I.’

  Judging by the wry look he gave her, Phoebe quickly gathered that it hadn’t been his idea. ‘If you don’t want to do this, Paul, I don’t mind. I’m going to start proper lessons when I get back from holiday,’ she said and was pleased that she sounded quite genuine when the last thing her heart was telling her to do was send him away. She wanted him to see the new, improved Phoebe and the fine-knit dress she was wearing had been chosen specifically to show off her smoothed-out curves. Even though she would no longer be ruled by inappropriate feelings for her best friend’s husband, she still wanted him to want her – just a little, just once.

  ‘Well, I’m here now so come on, get your coat and let’s go,’ he said with a distinct lack of enthusiasm.

  Sitting behind the steering wheel, Phoebe felt the same awkwardness she had felt in those very first lessons, which had nothing to do with the prospect of driving and everything to do with the enforced intimacy of the lesson. The only difference was that this time Paul showed no signs of wanting to open up. He was brusque and businesslike, which made Phoebe increasingly tense.

  ‘Are you looking forward to ten days to yourself?’ she asked when they were travelling along a stretch of road that gave her a moment’s reprieve from the mechanics of driving.

  ‘Concentrate on what you’re doing, Phoebe. We’re coming up to a junction and I want you to turn right. You need to start moving into the outside lane.’

  ‘Looking forward to it that much, are you?’ Phoebe said before tapping on the indicator. An intermittent click sliced through the silence that Paul refused to fill.

  After a couple more failed attempts to start up a conversation, Phoebe got the message. He didn’t want to be there. He had barely looked at her twice and she wished she didn’t feel so hurt by his indifference. She had had her chance with Paul and she had thrown it away, along with the future they might have shared. He was undoubtedly hurting after being told he was infertile, she knew that, but what could she do? What could she say?

  Phoebe knew exactly what she could say, but for once she listened to the warning voice in her head. Ignoring Paul’s next instruction to take a turn that would lead them further away from home, Phoebe pulled over sharply to the kerb and said, ‘I want to go back.’

  ‘But we’ve only been out fifteen minutes.’

  ‘It’s obvious you don’t want to do this, Paul, so please, take me home.’ She had twisted in her seat and was pulling on the door handle when Paul reached over and grabbed her left hand tightly.

  ‘Ow!’ she cried as he crunched bruised fingers and pain shot up her arm.

  ‘Oh, God, Phoebe, I’m sorry. Are you all right?’

  Shaking her throbbing hand, Phoebe turned to him with tears stinging her eyes. ‘Please, Paul. I’m sorry I’ve wasted your time. Just take me home.’

  When she made a move to open the door again, he said, ‘Wait, Phoebe. It’s me who should be apologizing. It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have come over given the mood I’m in.’

  Phoebe reluctantly settled back in the driving seat but made no comment.

  ‘I suppose you know what happened with the consultant,’ he said. ‘It’s because of me that we can’t have kids and in a matter of days we’ve gone from comforting each other to Julia comforting me. No, actually that’s wrong. Not comforting – pitying me. I’m a complete and utter failure, Phoebe, and I see it in her eyes every time she looks at me. Take the other night when you all went out to the Elephant. Apparently I’m too fragile a soul to go out into the cold to pick you up any more. I had a go at her for it and now she’s trying to prove the opposite by coming up with ways for me to feel useful, like giving you lessons again.’ He laughed bitterly before continuing. ‘Only a month ago she was worried I might be enjoying your company a little too much and now she’s practically gift-wrapping me for you.’

  Inside Phoebe’s head, she was screaming at herself to get out of the car. She cared so much about Julia and she didn’t want to hurt her or see her hurt, but she couldn’t be expected to sit there and listen to Paul’s problems as if her feelings didn’t matter. Had he really managed to convince himself that what had gone on between the two of them had never happened, or did he just not care?

  ‘You and Julia aren’t the only ones with problems at the moment, Paul,’ she said, not resisting the surge of anger when it came. ‘I’m sorry you’re struggling to have a baby, but you still have each other. If you weren’t so self-absorbed and focused on what you don’t have, then maybe you could start appreciating what you do have. I’m sick and tired of looking after other people, of putting their feelings before my own. Years of not meaning anything to anyone!’ She was glaring at him, willing him to look at her, willing him to see her, but he had put his hand over his face. Her body was shaking but surprisingly not her voice when she added, ‘I can’t do this any more. Sort your own lives out, Paul, and leave me out of it.’

  She had jumped out of the car before Paul could stop her this time, only to find him blocking her path when she ran around the back of the car. ‘For fear of repeating myself, Phoebe, I’m sorry. I know I’m an idiot and I stick my head in the sand and don’t see what’s going on around me. But I’m not as self-absorbed as you think.’

  He was looking straight at her, only now she wished he wasn’t. She was looking at him too. ‘I shouldn’t have said all of that,’ she offered as she waited for the guilt from one or both of them to sever the connection between them that had no right to be there.

  He took a step closer. ‘I deserved it. I shouldn’t be burdening you with my problems, it’s not fair.’ With that, he took hold of her left hand gently in his and examined her injuries, which were still painfully apparent. ‘I felt awful when Julia told me what your nan did, I still do. I was nearly on the sharp end of that stick once, remember?’

  Phoebe’s skin prickled with goose bumps. It had been the last time Paul had taken her home, the last time they had been able to show their feelings for one another. Even their break-up had been via a third party.

  ‘You had a lucky escape,’ she said.

  ‘Did I?’

  Phoebe blinked and tried to remember what Helen had said about putting friendship before any man but it was Lucy’s words that came back to haunt her. Making mistakes was simply a way of proving she was still alive and up until that moment she hadn’t realized how dead she had been feeling inside. When Paul lifted her hand to his lips every nerve in her body began to sing and she didn’t pull away, in fact, she did the opposite. She moved closer until she could feel his jacket pressing against her chest. Paul let go of her hand so that he could cup her chin and lift her face towards his. Looking into his eyes, she could see he was fighting with his own emotions, but now that he was looking at her, really looking at her, he couldn’t turn away, not now.

  ‘We can’t,’ she said and with those words still
wet on her lips, he kissed her.

  The sound of traffic speeding past was drowned out by the frantic beating of her heart, which was sending all the blood to her head. She closed her eyes and concentrated on every detail of that kiss, the warmth, the taste, the sensation of his breath on her lips. She wanted Paul to pull her back into the car, to push her down on the back seat and let his hands slide up her dress. It didn’t take much imagination to picture how that might play out, it had happened once before and had ended badly for her, and it would again if only for entirely different reasons.

  Paul felt her tensing and he pulled away, forcing them both back to reality. He looked as horrified as Phoebe and even went so far as to wipe his mouth with the back of his hand as if that could erase the last few moments. ‘I don’t know why … I never meant to … Phoebe, I’m sorry. I love Julia.’

  Phoebe was shaking her head as she took a handful of steps back, completely unaware that she was heading towards oncoming traffic until Paul lunged at her and pulled her back. She shrugged him off. ‘Go away, Paul.’

  ‘I can’t. We can’t leave things like this.’

  A new wave of anger slammed into Phoebe and words that she never thought she would utter to a living soul poured from her mouth. ‘Of course you can! You found it easy enough first time around, didn’t you? And like you said, you love Julia and so do I. Don’t you worry about the mess you’re leaving behind,’ she said, spitting the words out with venom. ‘I suppose I should count myself lucky. At least this time I’m not pregnant!’

  ‘What?’

  ‘If I were you I’d ask those doctors to rerun their tests, Paul. You weren’t always firing blanks.’

  Phoebe went to walk away but he put a hand roughly on her shoulder. ‘No, Phoebe! You don’t just drop a bombshell like that and walk away. You … We had a baby?’

  She sneered when she said, ‘No, Paul. Like everything else about us, it was aborted before it had the chance to develop.’