How to Convince a Boy to Kiss You

by Tara Eglington

  ‘Girls!’ Ms Collins shouted from the front of the room. ‘Please attempt to focus!’

  ‘Sorry!’ Cass sent an apologetic wave to Ms Collins. Thank god Cass was her favourite student. Ms Collins gave us a strict warning look nevertheless.

  ‘Open it now!’ Lindsay said in a whisper as we pretended to do work.

  Jelena snatched the box from me. ‘I told you, guys!’ she said triumphantly and sent Cass and Lindsay a look. ‘The little blue box is a realistic outcome! And you all poo-pooed the idea on Saturday. Here’s proof that I’m always spot on.’

  She opened up the box and her face fell when she saw it was empty.

  ‘Wait a minute.’ She looked at me accusingly. ‘This isn’t some symbolic thing, is it? You and Hayden are really odd with all that stuff.’

  ‘Well, it’s a little like the acorn in Peter Pan,’ I said, trying to hide a smile. It was kind of fun to tease Jelena. ‘You know how Peter called it a kiss?’

  ‘Hayden’s calling thin air a kiss now?’ Jelena stared at the box unbelievingly. ‘Are you sure he hasn’t recycled an old gift box from an ex-girlfriend?’

  Okay, now it was time to end the joke. ‘Guys —’ I started.

  ‘You don’t have to defend him, Aurora,’ Jelena said, putting the box down on the bench with disdain.

  ‘Hayden hasn’t had a girlfriend besides Aurora, has he?’ Sara asked. ‘That’s why every girl’s been sighing over him for four years with no luck.’

  ‘Maybe it’s his mum’s box?’ Cassie suggested.

  ‘No, he bought the box,’ I said, managing to get a word in.

  ‘So he went to Tiffany and asked them for an empty box without making an actual purchase?’ Jelena stared at me. ‘Can you even do that?’

  ‘Jelena, don’t be rude,’ Cassie said. ‘Tiffany is really expensive! Especially for teenage boys. That’s why I’ve been saying that you can’t go around pressuring Scott.’

  ‘I haven’t!’ Jelena protested.

  ‘You stuck one of the ads on my locker today.’ Cass folded her arms, looking put out. ‘Scott came over to say hello and saw it.’

  ‘The man should know that you’re worth the expense, Cassie,’ Jelena replied. ‘Same with Tyler. I’m doing you guys a favour in the long run. You have to set standards.’

  Lindsay laughed. ‘Good luck resetting Tyler’s standards. He once gave me a birthday card that read “To my favourite nephew” on the inside. He’d failed to open the card at the newsagent’s. It’s become an infamous moment.’

  ‘No way.’ Jelena’s lips were an ‘O’ of horror. ‘And you’ve kept that a secret? I should have put it in the montage to shame him.’

  ‘Anyways,’ Sara said, quickly changing the subject as Cass and Lindsay looked close to losing it with Jelena, ‘Hayden doesn’t seem the materialistic type. The gesture came from the purity of his heart.’

  ‘Symbolic or not, this box is, in real-world terms, empty.’ Jelena shook her head sadly.

  I finally got to have my say. ‘The box wasn’t empty. It had this inside.’ I touched the charm on my necklace.

  There was a mini stampede as all four of them lunged at my neck. Ms Collins looked up with a frown.

  Lindsay stared at the necklace. ‘No way.’

  ‘It’s a kiss,’ Cass sighed.

  Sara ran her finger over the x. ‘It’s just like when Jeremiah had a necklace made for Georgia-May from the nugget he found in the Klondike.’

  ‘What, did it have a golden squirrel pendant hanging off it?’ Jelena snorted.

  Sara glared at her, but couldn’t sustain it. She went back to looking at my necklace.

  ‘Aurora, that’s really special,’ Lindsay said seriously. ‘It took Tyler a lot longer to give me jewellery, even though he said “I love you” three months in.’

  ‘I know. It is special.’ I touched the necklace again; it felt warm against my skin, like the feeling in my heart. ‘I’m still in shock.’

  ‘You don’t think Hayden’s gearing up for the four-letter word, do you?’ Sara asked.

  ‘Don’t be stupid,’ Jelena said. ‘This isn’t a Mills & Boon romance. You can’t drop the L-bomb after a grand total of two kisses.’

  ‘You guys have really only kissed twice?’ Sara asked me. ‘If I was dating Hayden, I’d be lip-smacking it up non-stop.’

  ‘His stitches aren’t due to come out till Wednesday,’ I replied, trying not to blush. ‘Plus, his grounding goes through to Friday.’

  ‘Are you ready for Friday then?’ Lindsay asked.

  ‘I don’t know. I guess so. Or I hope so,’ I said. ‘I’ve read everything I can on the net about kissing.’

  ‘Ah, so you took my stellar advice.’ Jelena nodded approvingly.

  I sighed. ‘How come you guys never told me how insanely complicated kissing is? Everyone makes out it’s the most natural, most easy thing in the world and then I find out that a French kiss involves thirty-four facial muscles and one hundred and twelve postural muscles!’

  Lindsay laughed, smoothing the side of her sculpture. ‘You’re thinking of it like an anatomy class. Or a gym workout. It’s not like that.’

  ‘It’s instinctual,’ Jelena said. ‘The tongue is very creative.’

  ‘But the action’s centred on anatomy,’ I protested. I’d done some reading on the science of kissing before bed last night. ‘It’s all about mechanics.’

  Cassie looked curious. ‘Like how?’

  ‘Like, in terms of what’s involved in a kiss,’ I explained. ‘All emotions aside, the physiology is really complex. Did you know that the crux of the action is the orbicularis oris? That’s the muscle that allows you to pucker your lips. Kissing would be impossible without it. And a kiss, if you ask scientists, is pretty much chemicals communicating.’

  ‘Communicating what?’ Sara asked, looking confused.

  ‘Well, philematologists — scientists who study kissing — say that it has a very practical purpose: it passes vital messages to both partners about their biological compatibility. It’s like nature’s ultimate test. If the kiss doesn’t feel right, then it’s no-go for lifelong coupledom.’

  ‘So what’s involved in the test?’ Lindsay asked.

  ‘It’s all about saliva. Nine millilitres of the stuff gets exchanged in the average kiss. Along with roughly ten million to a billion bacteria.’

  ‘Ew!!’ The whole group let out a cry and Ms Collins glanced over disapprovingly.

  Jelena looked truly repulsed. She was a bit of a germaphobe — she was always breaking out the hand sanitiser. I was willing to bet that the standard shaking-hands-and-kissing-babies routine was not going to happen on her campaign trail.

  ‘Well, that certainly strips the romance from it all.’ Sara shook her head sadly.

  ‘I kind of never want to kiss again,’ Lindsay said, wrinkling her nose.

  ‘Gross as it is, saliva’s apparently key,’ I said. ‘The chemicals it contains send a cascade —’

  ‘No more watery adjectives, please,’ Jelena said. I’d never seen her look so unnerved.

  ‘The chemicals send tons of info to your brain for processing,’ I continued. ‘And the brain uses the chemicals as scientific samples to determine your compatibility with your kissing partner.’

  ‘So what sorts of things does it look at?’ Cass asked.

  ‘Lots of different things. Like, apparently on a cellular level, women prefer men who have a different genetic code in specific areas. There’s this region known as the major histocompatibility system. If your histocompatibility system is too similar to that of the guy you’re kissing, you’ll be totally put off him because your body needs different DNA to make sure your offspring has a stronger immune system. That’s why you usually know within seconds whether a kiss feels right or wrong.’

  ‘That kind of makes sense,’ Cassie said. ‘Remember Chris, that guy from my tennis lessons that I helped through his break-up?’

  ‘One of the millions you’ve counselled, only
to find yourself fending off their broken-hearted, desperate advances?’ Jelena said. ‘Oh, we remember.’

  ‘Chris was perfect on paper,’ Cassie went on. ‘Funny, great at sport, emotionally expressive. I was super attracted to him too.’

  ‘You never told me this,’ I said, staring at her. We knew just about all each other’s secrets when it came to love stuff.

  ‘I thought it was unprofessional to get involved with someone I was supposed to be counselling,’ Cass explained. ‘Anyways, one day we were sitting on the sideline eating those rainbow ice-blocks. The wind was blowing my hair into my face and the next minute Chris was pushing the hair out of my eyes and putting his rainbow-coloured lips to mine. My heart was drumming like crazy ’cause I’d been imagining kissing him for weeks.’

  ‘OMG, you totally had a secret crush and you never told me!’ I blurted out. ‘What happened?’

  ‘I didn’t feel anything when he kissed me,’ Cass said. ‘Despite the fact he had lovely lips, fresh breath and was an extremely proficient kisser. I remember willing myself to feel something, but all I noticed was that our lips were sticky from the ice-blocks.’

  ‘So that’s why you quit tennis!’ I said, putting the pieces together.

  ‘Chris kept pursuing me,’ Cass said. ‘He kept asking me why I didn’t like him and I had no explanation for it. Now it’s completely clear — he had a similar immune system!’

  ‘Totally great excuse,’ Sara said. ‘“It’s not you, it’s your immune system.” Takes the personal out of it.’

  Lindsay’s brow was furrowed. ‘Why wasn’t Chris deterred then? Wouldn’t his body sense the incompatibility too?’

  ‘Men aren’t as programmed as women are to think about long-term suitability,’ I said. ‘Women are generally the ones in the driver’s seat when it comes to whether the relationship goes to the next level.’

  ‘I like it,’ Sara said, smiling as she worked away at her mermaid. ‘Mother Nature knows her stuff.’

  ‘There are all sorts of other weird things going on beyond that,’ I continued. ‘Apparently there are a hundred billion nerve cells in the lips, like little messengers that trigger neurotransmitters, which race along to the brain to make it release hormones. That’s when all the dopamine — the feel-good hormone — spikes in the brain. Oxytocin, or the bonding hormone, is another chemical released during a good kiss. That’s why long-term couples who smooch it up a lot are closer and get on better than less demonstrative couples.’

  ‘See, you and Tyler aren’t doing each other any favours with all those chaste pecks you’ve been exchanging lately,’ Cass said to Lindsay. ‘Not to make you feel bad.’

  Lindsay sighed but didn’t respond. I felt bad that everyone was suddenly focusing on her lacklustre chemistry with Tyler, so I kept talking.

  ‘And you know the weirdest thing I read? You’ve heard how guys are meant to like sloppier kisses? Well, supposedly it’s biologically driven — their saliva contains trace amounts of testosterone, and through lots of tongue kissing it’s transferred to the woman, which increases the chances of her being in the mood for further make-outs.’

  ‘So men have an agenda with their brash brandishing of the tongue?’ Jelena said, making another icky face.

  ‘Totally true!’ Sara said, stabbing the air with her index finger to emphasise her agreement. ‘Like Rob from maths — when he kissed me at the spring dance it was exactly like a drive-through carwash.’ Sara’s body convulsed in a shudder. ‘Water was flying everywhere and his tongue lashed me from nose to chin. The bristles on his upper lip felt like the cleaning brushes rolling over the car. Horrendous. He should have been thrown out of the dance for harassment.’

  ‘I’m kind of having a slight problem with tongue horribilis,’ Cass said softly.

  We all turned our attention from Sara’s theatrics to her.

  ‘Um, repeat, please?’ Jelena said, looking completely shocked.

  ‘Currently?’ I whispered, looking over at Scott, who was thankfully entirely focused on his sculpture at the front of the room.

  ‘How can you not have said anything?’ Sara asked.

  I wondered the same thing. Maybe I’d been going on about my disastrous kiss so much, she hadn’t wanted to increase my kissing phobia.

  ‘I was embarrassed,’ Cass said, looking at the floor. ‘Plus, I was terrified that it’d somehow get back to him. We all know men have fragile egos.’

  ‘We won’t say anything, Cass. Absolute honour on that one, right, guys?’ I gave Sara and Jelena a look and checked no-one else was listening in.

  ‘Scott’s guilty of the carwash?’ Lindsay looked like she couldn’t believe it.

  ‘It’s not like a carwash,’ Cass whispered. ‘It’s kind of like … I don’t know, an overenthusiastic puppy.’

  ‘Aka he’s panting and slobbering,’ Jelena said matter-of-factly.

  ‘Jelena! Ew!’ we all cried.

  ‘How come Aurora can talk about saliva and I can’t say “slobbering”?’ Jelena asked.

  ‘It’s not over-the-top slobbering,’ Cass emphasised. ‘It’s just that his tongue is too pointy. Slightly stabby.’

  ‘OMG!’ Jelena looked like she was about to fall off her chair with mirth. ‘I’m so calling him that in secret! Señor Stabby!’

  ‘Jelena!’ Cass looked like she regretted saying a word.

  ‘I read in Cosmo that hot guys are often a total letdown kissing-wise,’ Sara said. ‘They think their Ryan Gosling-like attractiveness is enough for any girl, so they don’t bother putting in the same time and attentiveness that nerdy guys do when it comes to making out. Scott’s a perfect example.’

  ‘One thing wrong with that theory,’ Jelena said. ‘Kissing is about aesthetics. I don’t care what you say about nerdy guys — I don’t want to open my eyes and look at Frodo, miraculous kiss or not.’

  ‘I don’t think Scott’s kissing skills have come about due to an overinflated ego,’ Cass said. ‘He’s not like that — you guys can see that.’

  ‘Has he had a girlfriend before?’ I asked. ‘Maybe he doesn’t have much experience and thinks the stabbing is par for the course.’

  ‘He said he dated a girl for two months last year,’ Cass said. ‘Her family moved overseas.’

  ‘No wonder she changed time zones,’ Jelena said. ‘Two months of bad kissing. I’m sorry, Cass, puppies are cute, but they’ve got to be house-trained.’

  ‘How on earth have you put up with kissing him for hours on end?’ Sara asked.

  ‘I was kind of hoping he’d improve with extensive practice.’ Cass’s face was stressed. ‘I’ve tried from the start to give him subtle hints. You know, keeping my lips tightly pursed to make it clear that his tongue’s too enthusiastic. But he still keeps poking it against my closed mouth, like an enemy charging at a fortress gate.’

  I would never have guessed that Scott and Cass’s embraces were anything other than storybook perfection. I had to admire her patience and persistence.

  Sara shook her head. ‘Subtle never works. I ended up actually shoving Rob away from me when he didn’t get the picture. Hopefully he won’t unleash that carwash monster on anyone else.’

  ‘He’ll probably never attempt another French kiss again,’ I said, trying not to laugh as an image of Rob’s tongue rolling over a car popped into my mind.

  ‘Okay, well, with Scott I suggest you pinch a clothes peg from home and when he pokes his tongue out again, you clamp it,’ Jelena said, making a pinching gesture with her thumb and forefinger.

  We all burst out laughing. Ms Collins didn’t even react this time; perhaps she had given up on us.

  ‘I’m serious!’ Jelena cried. ‘He’ll never do it again. Or grab his tongue between your fingers.’

  ‘I think that might be a relationship deal-breaker,’ I said.

  ‘Don’t get me wrong,’ Cass said. ‘It’s amazing kissing — well, right up until the tongue comes into play. It’d be fine if the muscle was relaxed instead of pokey
.’

  Her face scrunched up again and we all laughed.

  ‘You see why I didn’t want to bring it up?’ Cass said to me.

  ‘Cass, it’s totally fine.’ I felt relieved that I wasn’t the only one floundering in the ocean of make-out mishaps. ‘We have to be able to talk about these things, otherwise we can’t help each other.’

  ‘Speaking of that, I’m going to do a Cass and let it all out,’ Lindsay said, her words coming in a rush. ‘I’ve gone dead to Tyler’s kisses. We do still kiss properly, in private, but something’s been off lately. I don’t understand it because his kisses are totally on target technique-wise. As you can imagine, we’ve perfected our kissing over three years.’

  ‘We don’t have to imagine,’ Jelena said. ‘We were witness to the training program in action, at every school dance, movie trip, recess break …’

  Lindsay ignored her. ‘I can’t feel anything any more when his lips touch mine. I’m not in the moment. The other day I zoned out mid-pash and imagined a whole showcase of my pieces on the Paris catwalks, shoes and all. I’m talking extensive detail. I only came to when Tyler accidentally pulled my hair while he was running his hands through it.’

  ‘Sounds like he’s totally lost in the moment,’ I replied. Hair stroking was one of the signs of a truly involved kisser.

  ‘I felt seriously guilty,’ Lindsay said. Her face was red with embarrassment.

  ‘I’m telling you, an upgrade’s in order,’ Jelena said in a singsong voice. ‘This whole notion of an enduring high-school romance is a myth.’

  ‘Hey!’ Cass, Lindsay and I all stared at her. She couldn’t be serious.

  ‘You’re the one backing the Find a Prince/Princess Program™!’ I blurted out. ‘You can’t be lacking in faith about lasting teen love.’

  ‘Okay, I should put that more succinctly,’ Jelena said. ‘What I mean is, a lasting romance that started before you were a mature high-school student is a myth. Lindsay and Tyler started dating at fourteen. Those three years are like a stratosphere when it comes to maturity levels. You think about what we were into at fourteen! You wouldn’t wear the same clothes you did then, so why are you going to date the same guy? Whereas now we’re approaching adulthood, it’s way more likely that our tastes might be the same into our twenties.’