A Penny's Worth

by Nancy DeRosa

  Her neighbor for the morning was Aunt Hazel. As Penny sat and tried to zero in on the priest’s sermon, her aunt whispered in her ear, “Any good news for me Penny?

  “I have a new job,” she whispered back.

  Aunt Hazel dismissed that with a wave of her hand. “I don’t mean that kind of news.”

  “Sorry, nothing else to report.”

  Shaking her head slowly, Aunt Hazel turned away.

  After the service Penny stood by the banister of the church stairs and watched everyone flow out. Steve and Theo hurried by with their two-year-old daughter Carrie in tow. Carrie was sniffling miserably. She rubbed her swollen red nose and cried out, “I want to go now.” She tugged down hard on her mother’s sleeve.

  “Don’t wrinkle my jacket,” Theo scolded, pulling her arm away. She struck quite a figure in her white Armani suit. Penny knew it was Armani because Theo had taken every opportunity to tell her, repeatedly, what she would be wearing. She did look beautiful though. Theo had black shiny hair, a slim figure with a tiny waist, and a great ass. Penny always envied her ass. It was perfectly round and always looked fabulous, especially in a pair of jeans.

  “Hey,” Steve said when he spotted Penny, “I see you bailed out of there fast too.” He laughed and playfully punched her shoulder.

  “I said I want to go,” Carrie shrieked. She leaned in close and yanked her father’s sleeve.

  “What’s your excuse for being late?” Steve asked with a wan smile. He looked down at his daughter. “I have mine.”

  Shrugging, she managed to smile back. The knot in her stomach twisted even tighter. She answered in a pinched voice, “The onslaught of family always fills me with acute anxiety.”

  He nodded, rubbing his wavy light brown hair. “I understand.”

  She wondered if he was thinking about their phone conversation of the other night. “You look handsome,” she said, meaning it. Steve was taller than the rest of their family, and the only one with green eyes. He had a lean athletic build that he kept in shape through regular jogs on a track near his house.

  She placed a hand on her brother’s shoulder. “I’m happy you won’t be giving me any more grief.”

  He laughed. “Never again, I learned my lesson.”

  “Aunt Penny, do you have candy?” Carrie asked hopefully.

  Looking down at her niece’s tear-streaked face; Penny felt a tug of compassion. The poor little thing, she’s only two she thought. If I’m miserable being here, imagine how she feels. She scooped her up in her arms. “I’ll look in my bag and see. Give me a big huge hug because I’ve missed you.”

  A look of relief spread across Theo’s face: Carrie was no longer hanging on the sleeve of her Armani suit. She took off in a flash to find Amber and Dolores.

  Out of the corner of her eye, Penny caught Dolores glaring at her. She bit her lower lip: her mother was furious.

  Steve whispered, “Don’t worry about Mom. She always has to have a problem with someone. Today it’s you, tomorrow it’ll be someone else. Don’t give her too much mindshare.”

  Managing to smile, she replied, “Yeah, but let’s face it, usually it’s me. You were late too and I don’t see her making ugly faces at you.”

  “We all know Mom has a knack of finding fault with you. Just ignore her, I think she sees too much of herself in you.”

  She glanced up at her brother in surprise. She could not believe how much her father and brother were revealing to her in such close proximity. She was beginning to receive the validation she needed, and a firmer resolve to be her own person and fight back. They had always pretended not see how her mother had tried to knock out every shred of gumption, desire, confidence, and moxie she ever possessed.

  She pulled her shoulders back as her mother approached.

  Dolores looked down at her watch. “You couldn’t have organized your time a little better? You were the last person in the church today. Do you know how bad that looks?” She was standing inches from Penny with hands on hips. “They’re your nephews after all. How would you feel if this was your children’s special day and Louis and Amber waltzed into your ceremony late? You even had the nerve to sit in the very last pew, not even the decency to sit with your family.”

  “I guess I’m just not a decent person Mom. Come on,” she laughed, “we’ve known that about me for ages.”

  Dolores shook her head slowly. “I’m very disappointed in you. Maybe you resent the fact that you don’t have a child of your own, but you should be bigger than that and show some respect for your brother and his family.”

  Penny felt as if she’d been slapped in the face; as if her mother’s tongue-lashing had sliced open her lungs and she could barely breathe. Her mother had laced into her so many times, she should be numb to the insults; but this time, the insults had cut deeper than ever. Perhaps because she had taken some space from Dolores, it was that much harder to go back into the lioness’ den.

  Finally managing to find her voice Penny snapped, “For you to think I’d be jealous of my brother means you have definitely hit a new plateau in your already low opinion of me.” Waving her hands in the air she added, “I love my nephews, being a few minutes late is not the worst sin one can commit.” She took a step closer and said with a voice filled with power, “I won’t let you stand here and berate me for nothing. I’m done.”

  “There is no excuse for your lateness Penny, none whatsoever, so don’t you dare tell me,” she jabbed a finger in Penny’s face, “you’re done. You only have to worry about taking care of yourself. Couples with children have a lot more to do and everyone else made it their business to come on time.” She finished with a Kansas tornado ripping across her purple face. “You should have too.”

  “Mom,” Steve broke in gently. “Take it easy, it’s not so bad. Theo and I were late as well.”

  Her brother’s newfound support bolstered Penny’s resolve to defend herself, but her building anger outpaced the feeling of strength. She was so furious that the words were out through her clenched teeth in an instant. “Dolores thinks that everything I do is wrong and everything I try to plan in my life is stupid.”

  Cousin Charlene was heading their way at a very fast pace. Gratefully Penny stepped back before she really lost her temper and said things she would regret.

  Her mother was still in her fight stance. “What are you—” she began, then noticed Charlene approaching. An uneasy, temporary truce stood between them like a straw house.

  Charlene performed a grand sweep up the stairs with open arms. As usual, she looked stunning. Her shiny hair was pulled up into an elegant twist at the nape of her neck and she wore a beautiful jade green dress with earrings to match. Penny managed to offer a weak smile when Charlene pulled her into a hug.

  “Penny, it’s been ages, look at you, you look wonderful.” She assessed her from head to toe. “Why, I think you’ve even lost weight.” She fell silent waiting for a reply.

  “Thanks Charlene, you look great yourself,” Penny answered carefully.

  “So? Tell me how much you’ve lost!”

  “To tell you the truth I don’t even know. I haven’t weighed myself in a while.”

  Charlene swept the group with raised eyebrows. “What woman doesn’t know how much weight she’s lost?” Tittering gaily, she leaned over and nudged Dolores. “Come on, is she for real? Look at your clothes, they’re like practically falling off you Penny. Maybe it’s time I take you under my wing and bring you shopping for new outfits.”

  Watching this exchange with her eyes and ears not missing a word or gesture, Dolores barked, “That’s Penny for you, she always walked to her own drummer. I doubt she even owns a scale, and I’ve never known her to be into fashion. Help her, Charlene.”

  “The word is marched, Mom,” Penny snapped. “You march to a different drummer, you don’t walk.” She turned to Charlene and said icily, “Thanks for the offer to go shopping, but I’ve been busy and I like to shop alone.”

  “You’
ve always had great taste, Sis,” Steve said with a wink.

  Dolores would not be usurped. “Whatever the saying is, march or walk, who cares? You get my drift Charlene.”

  Charlene pouted. “I was only trying to be nice. You could use some new clothes, Penny. From the look of you you’ve lost fifteen pounds, maybe more. That skirt is practically falling off you.”

  “Fifteen give or take a few,” Dolores added, studying her daughter with narrow eyes.

  “Wow,” Penny exclaimed, “All this focus on my weight. Don’t we have anything else to talk about?” The crowd was thinning as people headed to their cars. Penny desperately wanted to join them. “I think we better go or there won’t be anyone to greet the guests.” The little hub she was in had grown. A few of her aunts and uncles had joined them at the top of the stairs.

  Charlene appeared not to have heard her. She clacked her fingers. “I know why you’ve dropped a few sizes. You have a man in your life don’t you? Am I right? Who is he?”

  Feeling her stomach drop and her throat squeeze shut, she wondered if she was about to choke in front of everyone. At least twelve pairs of eyes were watching her, waiting for an answer. She blurted out, “I don’t think my new friend has anything to do with my weight loss.”

  Dolores’ eyebrows rose as if someone had just pumped in the Botox. “What friend?”

  She swept her hand helplessly. “Just someone who works at the hospital.”

  Hand on hip, Charlene asked wide-eyed, “It couldn’t possibly be a doctor now could it?”

  Penny felt the anger seethe in her once again. She knew Charlene was toying with her. Not for a second did Charlene think that she was dating a doctor. “As a matter of fact, he is a doctor, one of the top surgeons at Wayside Hospital.”

  “You’ve got to be kidding me.” Charlene looked around with a triumphant smirk. “So who is it?” “I know a lot of the doctors on staff there.”

  Feeling her throat constrict again, Penny spoke with a voice that sounded high and tinny to her ears. “It’s very early in the relationship, so I’d rather not say right now.”

  Charlene looked at her with amusement. Penny knew she’d been rumbled. Charlene offered lightly, “When the relationship feels safe to you, perhaps then you’ll introduce him to us. I’d love to do dinner with you and the mystery man.” Leaning in close, she whispered, “You know I will hold you to that.”

  She thought of Dr Bruck and said softly, “Yes, I know you will.”

  Dolores was staring as if Penny had been caught stealing cookies. “I can’t believe you didn’t even tell your family about this.” Turning to Charlene she exclaimed, “I told you she walks to her own drummer.”

  “I just told you Mom, the word is march. I march to a different drummer.”

  “Don’t you raise your voice to me. I’ve had it with your thoughtlessness today as it is.”

  The group stepped back as if making room for a catfight. Penny made a decision not to participate in the growing spectacle that was about to unfold. Exasperated, she whispered at her mother, “Not here and not now.” She turned around and simply walked away.

  She reached the safety of her battered blue Honda Civic. With a shaking hand she turned the ignition; the engine put-putted into life. She didn’t care if Louis and Amber never forgave her for not attending the luncheon. She’d finally learned that she must protect herself. Tears formed; she fought them back but they wouldn’t be denied. Before she knew it she was openly sobbing. The anguished sounds that came out of her sounded just like a wounded animal. She frantically opened both front windows to let the cold wind blast her into reality.

  Aunt Bess was suddenly by her open window. Looking at Penny with great sadness in her eyes, she began, “Penny, don’t—”

  Looking up at her Aunt with tearstained eyes, she put a hand up to stop her. “Why am I so distraught? I have to stop with all this crying already, it’s crazy. And now,” she said with a fresh sob, “I’m filling up the empty spaces of my life with lies. Pretty soon I’m going to have to start taking medication.”

  “I don’t think just yet Penny. You have a little ways to go.”

  She grabbed her aunt’s hand. “I can’t do this all by myself. I was wrong, I can’t do it. Why did I think I could change my life?”

  “I have great faith in you,” Aunt Bess said quietly.

  Stopping at a red light, Penny watched a family of four cross the street in front of her. The husband had taken his wife’s arm to steer her gently across. The woman was pushing a stroller which held a little girl with pigtails. She was drinking from a purple juice cup. Her little brother toddled beside her, one hand on the stroller, the other holding his father’s hand.

  She felt a pang of longing pierce her heart. I want that, she thought, knowing that she too sounded like a two-year-old. I want that and then some.

  Trying to maintain a firmer resolve to find what she was looking for, she drove home with the determination to become a shiny new Penny, a Penny that she could be proud of.

  Chapter 21

  “What did you do this weekend, Penny?”

  Twirling around, she found Alyssa Winkins looking at her inquisitively. Alyssa was also an RN nurse on the oncology ward and this was the first time she’d addressed her. Penny was speechless for a moment. She wasn’t used to anyone wanting to know what she did on the weekend, or any other time for that matter.

  “Oh, well,” she said, trying to appear nonchalant, “I went to my twin nephew’s Communion ceremony on Sunday.”

  Alyssa mulled this over. “That sounds like fun, I guess. Ha! Honestly, that sounds pretty boring. I hate family gatherings probably because I hate most of my family.” Moving in closer, she asked, “That’s kind of weird having a Communion in the fall. Aren’t they mostly done in the spring?”

  “I thought it was a little weird too, I don’t know much about my brother’s church. I guess, maybe, some churches do it differently,” she finished shyly.

  Alyssa laughed again. “Yeah, well, I guess we have no right questioning any church’s schedules. The planning of that calendar of events is kind of sacred don’t you think?”

  She shook her head in agreement. She thought Alyssa was rather becoming and she had an outgoing personality. Alyssa’s short blond hair was slightly wavy and fell to the nape of her neck in a most attractive manner. She had beautiful skin with white teeth that sparkled every time she smiled.

  Everyone seemed fond of Alyssa at the hospital. Penny would always find her chatting with someone, or laughing in the middle of a small group that invariably formed when she was around. Alyssa was fun and upbeat, and Penny would like nothing more than to know her better.

  She quickly tried to think of something else to say so Alyssa wouldn’t walk away. “I’m not so happy with my family either.”

  “Families can really blow, big time.”

  “Yeah, they can really blow a lot.”

  An uncomfortable silence followed. To break it, Penny followed up with, “So, how long have you worked here?”

  Alyssa laughed again. “Too long.” Looking at her watch she announced, “I better get going. You know Reins. She has that uncanny radar when she thinks someone is goofing off.”

  Penny felt her stomach drop: she felt as if she was being ditched. “Okay, well, see you around. Nice talking to you.”

  Waves and smiles all round, and they parted company. Suddenly Alyssa called out, “Let’s make a plan to have coffee this week.”

  A rush of surprise and pleasure coursed through her all at once. “Anytime this week works fine with me.”

  Halfway down the corridor, Alyssa yelled out, “Thursday at break, say one-thirty?”

  Everyone passing in the hallway must have heard Alyssa’s invitation, and they turned to look at Penny. She felt as if she were back in high school, and the sense of pride felt like the warmth of the sun’s light after a storm. Yeah, that’s right, the popular girl likes me so you should too, she thought. She knew her ov
er-the-top happy reaction was juvenile but she didn’t care. Invitations felt really good. She yelled back louder than necessary, “Sure, see you then Alyssa.”

  “Make friends on your own time Marins,” Reins remarked as she breezed past. “Mrs Somers in room 106 needs you to assist her into the shower.”

  “I’m on it,” she responded cheerfully. She wondered if she glimpsed the beginnings of a smile on nurse Reins face, but she couldn’t be sure.

  She halted midway into room 106. Her patient was sitting in bed, looking down the front of her nightgown at her breasts. She looked up to find Penny backing out of the room to give her some privacy. Mrs Somers snorted and waved her in.

  “Come on in, there’s nothing to be frightened of, I was just peering down at my boobs and I have to say, I am amazed at how they’re just about to touch my belly button.” She looked up with a surprised expression. “How the hell did this happen? When did my once beautiful breasts go down the damn tubes?”

  Tearing off the bed covers, Mrs Somers slowly maneuvered her legs off the side of the bed. The pain was etched clearly on her face as she attempted to complete this task. “I’m not complaining, but everything on my body is falling apart so quickly that I haven’t had time to get used to it all. And God, I’m only fifty-nine. Let’s face it honey, having cancer speeds up the ageing process, but thank God the doctors are giving me a good prognosis.”

  Walking purposely toward her patient, Penny said with conviction, “We’re our own worst enemy, and believe me no-one knows that better than me. We always see our own flaws inside and out, but it seems to me that no-one else notices what we fixate on.” Penny almost added ‘except my mother’ but restrained herself.

  She helped Mrs Somers up off the bed, and led her to the bathroom. Penny could see the agony she experienced with every step. She held her as gently as she could, well aware that the cancer had knocked the hell out of her.

  Helping Mrs Somers off with her nightgown, she spotted the look of shame before her patient quickly looked down at the tile floor. “I’m a mess,” she said quietly.