The Truth of Yesterday

by Josh Aterovis

  “You're right and I'm sorry. I have been sending out mixed signals. The truth is I am attracted to you. I can't deny that. I like you. If I wasn't already dating someone then I'd probably want to date you. But I am dating someone; someone I care about very much. I'm sorry if I confused you or hurt you, but I can't do anything to risk losing Micah. He means too much to me.”

  Noah slumped against the wall and slowly slid down to a crouching position on the ground, his back to the brick. “How much does he mean to you?” he asked.

  “Everything,” I answered simply.

  “What does that mean?”

  “It means…I want to be with him. It means I can't stand the thought of losing him. It means I really want to try and make it work. It means…it means I love him.” I sank down Indian style to the ground a few feet away facing him. “It's taken a lot to get us to the point we're at now. I don't know if this is a forever thing, but it feels like it could be, and that's all I know right now. Do you understand?”

  “Not really. I've wanted that for so long, but I've never experienced anything like it. It seems like most guys aren't looking for that. All they want is a quick screw, or maybe a fuck buddy. I want more. I hoped that maybe I could have that with you. Maybe I'll never have it. Maybe I'm not meant to have it.”

  “Don't say that. You'll find someone. You have to believe that. You're so young still, how can you give up?”

  “I never really knew any other gay people until I got to college. When I got here I got involved with Haven and suddenly I had friends who understood, who were like me. But we're all single most of the time. You're the only person I know in a serious relationship. The longest anyone in Haven has been in a relationship is a couple of months at the most.”

  “You're in college. How many straight couples do you know who are in serious relationships? And they have more of a selection to choose from! We're what? Ten percent at best? And how many of those are even out of the closet?”

  He shrugged. “I guess you're right. Intellectually, I know you're right. Emotionally, I'm just tired of being alone.”

  “Well, I can't be your boyfriend, but I would like us to be friends, if we can,” I said.

  He smiled a sad smile. “If I can keep from jumping you, you mean?”

  “No! That's not…”

  “I was trying to make a joke, Killian. I'd like us to be friend too, and I know I've said that before, but I mean it. Now I know where the boundaries are, and I know I don't have a chance with you as something more than friends. At least not while Micah is in the picture. Not that I'm wishing you would break up or anything,” he added quickly.

  I laughed. “At least not too much?”

  He smiled; a real smile this time. “I still have to meet this guy. He really must be something special to have won your heart so completely. I just hope I can keep from being too jealous.”

  Just then, the door opened and Kane came out, obviously looking for me, or perhaps I should say checking up on me.

  “Over here, Kane,” I called softly, so as not to disturb the other amorous couples. He turned and walked over, eying the distance between us with undisguised approval.

  “I hadn't seen you in awhile so I thought I'd look for you,” he said bluntly.

  “You know, I was supposed to be the one keeping an eye on you,” I told him.

  “Just goes to show that Father doesn't always know best,” Kane commented dryly.

  I grinned up at him, then turned my attention back to Noah. “You ready to go back in?” I asked.

  “Might as well, I'm pretty chilly.”

  “Maybe if you weren't naked…” Kane muttered under his breath, just loud enough for me to hear.

  I snorted, but turned it quickly into a cough. “You'll warm up quick enough inside,” I said.

  We stood up and the three of us walked back inside. It seemed like more people had arrived while we were outside.

  “It's a really good turnout,” I commented. “I have to admit I'm a little surprised this many people would come out for a dance put on by a gay/straight alliance.”

  “It's not just our school,” Noah explained while Kane scanned the crowd, for Lila I assumed. “We went in with the other three schools in this area and the other two large schools on the Shore. Plus, everyone knows gays throw the best parties so everyone shows up to these things. Probably less than half the people here even have gay tendencies.”

  I laughed. I noticed several guys who definitely had gay tendencies, judging by the way they were eying Noah hungrily. “Well, with this many people here, you shouldn't stay with me the whole night. Mr. Right might be out there while we speak.”

  “And if not Mr. Right, then at least maybe Mr. Right Now,” he said morosely.

  “Go have fun.” I gave him a little push and he gave me a crooked smile in return.

  “I'm sorry,” he said.

  “Don't apologize. It's over, forgotten.”

  “I hope it's not forgotten. I'd like to think I'm not that forgettable.”

  I winked and shooed his away. I moved off to one side and sat on the edge of a bench. Several guys and at least two girls approached to ask me to dance, but I wasn't really in a dancing mood any more. What I really wanted to do was see Micah, but I could see Kane dancing with Lila and it was obvious he wasn't ready to go.

  “Why the long face?” Val said, appearing beside me.

  “Just missing my man,” I said shifting over to let her sit down.

  “Did he have to work?”

  “Yeah. He's a reporter and he's working on a big story.”

  “He's not the one who broke the big scandal with the council is he?”

  “Actually, yeah. Micah Gerber.”

  “I saw him on TV. He's pretty hunky.”

  I giggled. “Yeah, he is.”

  We sat in silence for a minute, then she cleared her throat. “I know this is probably none of my business,” she began, “but I couldn't help but notice you seemed pretty, um, close to Noah tonight.”

  “It's not…”

  “Hey, like I said, it's none of my business. It's just that Noah is a good friend and I'd hate to see him get hurt, so if you're just playing around…”

  “Val, really, it's not like that. We talked earlier tonight and everything's fine. We're just friends. Things got a little confusing tonight, but we got it all worked out.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Good. I'm glad to hear that. So. You want to go see your boyfriend?”

  “Yeah, but Kane's having such a good time with your cousin that I don't want to ask him to leave.”

  “They do see to be hitting it off, don't they? You're brother seems like a nice kid.”

  “He is; he's a great kid. I can brag because he's not really my brother. His dad took me in when my dad kicked me out. I've lived with them for the last two years and for all intents and purposes, they're my family. Adam is just like my dad and Kane is like a brother.”

  “Wow, that's really great that he took you in like that.”

  “Yeah, Adam is a great guy. There aren't many like him.” I paused, then added to be polite, “I only met her for a second but Lila seems nice too.”

  “Lila…well, Lila's been through a lot,” Val said slowly.

  When she didn't elaborate, I asked, “Like what?”

  “Oh, I don't really want to go into right now. Family stuff, you know? It's just not been easy for her. She came to live with my family this summer. She doesn't really know many people yet and she's bi so I invited her to the dance. I'm glad she met Kane. Look, if you want to leave, why don't you go ahead. I'll keep an eye on the kids and I'll drive Kane home afterwards.”

  “I don't want you to go to all that trouble,” I protested.

  “No, really. It's no trouble. I'm going to be here anyway. I have to keep an eye on Lila and it's not like they've been more than a few feet apart all evening. It's no extra work.”

  “You really don't mind?” />
  “I really don't mind. Go. See your boyfriend.” She smiled and gave me a little push.

  “Thanks, Val. I really appreciate it.”

  She shrugged. “De nada.”

  I stood up, then bent to give her an impulsive hug that seemed to catch her by surprise. I interrupted Kane and Lila's slow dance long enough to let him know what the new arrangements were. Predictably, he was quite agreeable to the change in plans. I started to say good night to Noah but he seemed pretty busy with a tall redhead dressed like the Cat in the Hat so I left him alone and slipped out of the party.

  A short time later, I pulled into the parking lot of the newspaper Micah worked for. Micah's car was there, along with several others. I'd never been here at night before, and now that I was here, I had no idea how to get in. I was pretty sure the doors would be locked and there probably wasn't a receptionist at the desk at this time of night.

  I was standing next to my car trying to decide what to do when a side door opened and a black woman in her late thirties stepped out and lit up a cigarette. She hadn't noticed me, and she jumped as I approached. Her eyes grew wide when she took me in, complete in my Zephyr costume. It belatedly occurred to me that it might have been a good idea to change before going out in public. Oh well, it was too late now. I reached up and pulled off the mask in an attempt to reduce the damage.

  “Hi, is Micah working?” I asked in as normal a voice as I could manage, as if I always walked around in a skin tight bright red outfit with a Chinese symbol on my shoulder.

  “Uh, yeah,” she said without taking her eyes off of me. I was beginning to feel like a piece of meat, the way she was blatantly ogling my body.

  “Could you please tell him Killian is here to see him?”

  She blinked and looked at my face for the first time, her eyes widening even more if that was possible. “You're Killian? As in Micah's boyfriend?”

  It was my turn to be surprised. “He talks about me?” I hadn't even known Micah was out at work.

  “Not to everyone,” she said, taking me in again from head to toe as she sucked in on the cigarette and slowly blew out a stream of smoke. “Damn. Micah said you were cute but he never mentioned that you were Superman.”

  “It's Zephyr actually,” I said, fighting a blush and losing. She looked at me blankly. “The costume. It's Zephyr, not Superman. I just came from a costume party.”

  “You mean you don't dress like this all the time?” She grinned. “Too bad.” She took a final drag from her cigarette and flicked it away with a practiced gesture. “I'll go let him know you're here.”

  “Sorry for interrupting your smoke break,” I called.

  She paused in the door way and turned back, giving me one last once over, “Honey, you can interrupt me looking like that any day.” With that, she turned and went inside. A few minutes later, the door opened and Micah exited wearing a curious expression. When he saw me, his eyes widened and a grin quickly spread across his face.

  “When Tina said a superhero was waiting to talk to me in the parking lot I thought she'd lost her mind,” he chuckled. I laughed. “Hold still, I want to take this in.” He walked around me in a slow circle, looking at me from every angle. “Wow, you look...wow.”

  “Micah Gerber at a loss for words?” I joked. “I really must have super powers.”

  “Right now you're making me feel like Superman when he gets near kryptonite-weak in the knees.” He grabbed me and pulled me against him for a tight hug. “Do you have any idea how hot you look?”

  “And I don't even have my mask on,” I said, although it came out somewhat muffled since my face was mashed against his shoulder.

  “I'm serious,” he said, pushing me away and holding me at arms length. “I really wish I could have been there tonight.”

  “Me too,” I said sincerely.

  For the first time, it seemed to dawn on him that I was here and not at the dance. He glanced down at his watch and frowned. “What are you doing here? It can't be over already.”

  “No, things were really just getting going when I left. In fact, I left Kane there.”

  “Then why are you here?”

  “I just needed to see you,” I said with a shrug.

  He pulled me against him again for a much gentler hug this time.

  “I'm sorry I'm interrupting your work,” I said after a minute of just enjoying being held by him.

  “Oh please. I welcome any break, especially if it involves you. So, how about if you tell me why you're really here?”

  I pulled back, surprised. “What do you mean?” I asked defensively.

  “Easy. I'm not accusing you of anything. It's just that I can tell there's more to the story than you've told me. If you don't want to talk about it, that's cool.”

  “It's not that I don't...it's just...” I sighed. “You know that guy Noah from Haven?”

  “Yeah, the one who invited you to go?”

  “Yeah, him.” I took a deep breath. “He, um...he kissed me tonight.”

  Micah's expression didn't change. “Did you kiss him back?” he asked conversationally, as if he was asking how the weather was.

  “I don't know,” I said miserably. “Maybe for a second. And then I realized what I was doing and told him to stop; that I was dating you.”

  “And then what happened?”

  “We talked about it for a while. I told him that you meant too much to me to risk losing you.”

  “And that's it?”

  “Yeah.”

  He shrugged and smiled. “Ok.”

  “Ok?”

  “Yeah. Ok. Thanks for telling me.”

  “You're not mad?”

  “Why would I be mad? We've talked about this before. We're going to be attracted to other people-that's inevitable. What's important is how you react to that attraction. You decided that we were more important than your attraction to Noah. How could I be upset about that? I'm just really glad you trusted our relationship enough to tell me.”

  I rushed into his arms again and choked back a sob. “Damn it,” I sniffled. “You just keep getting more and more amazing. I don't know how much more I can take. How did I get so lucky?”

  “Hey, I'm the one holding a hot little superhero. Speaking of which, now that we've got that out of the way, how about if you put that mask on? Just for me?”

  I giggled as I stepped back and obliged. He let out a wolf-whistle that I was sure they had to hear in the next state.

  “Why do I have to go back to work?” he lamented.

  I frowned. “How late do you have to work?”

  “I don't know. I guess I could leave it for the night. Why? Do you have something else in mind?”

  I gave him a slow wink and my most suggestive smile. “I'm sure I could think of something.”

  He grinned and adjusted himself. “I think I'll just run in and let them know I'm leaving for the night. My place or yours?”

  “Yours, I think. Adam wouldn't be happy if I showed up without Kane. I'll deal with that tomorrow.”

  “Great, I'll be right out.”

  While I waited, I thought about how blessed I was to have a guy like Micah. That thought returned several more times that night and again when I woke up the next morning.

  * * *

  “Well, it's not that Zephyr costume, but you still look pretty damn hot,” Micah said from behind me. I contemplated my reflection in the full-length mirror in Micah's bedroom. I'd never worn a tuxedo before and I still wasn't sure if I really liked it or not.

  “I think I look like a penguin,” I complained.

  “Babe, penguins don't turn me on. You do. `Nuff said.”

  I laughed. “How come you look so much better in these things than I do?” I asked, turning to admire him. The tuxedos looked pretty much the same, I mean, how different can two all black suits be? The only difference I could really see was that Micah's lapels were satin and mine were embroidered with black silk thread. Somehow thought, he looked a lot better in his. I
felt like a little kid playing dress-up. To be honest, I hadn't felt this ridiculous in the superhero costume.

  “Oh stop,” he chided. “You look fantastic. Put your shoes on.”

  I did as he said and turned for one last doubtful look at my reflection. “I'm not wearing one of these at our wedding,” I mumbled as I followed him from the room. He stopped so suddenly I ran right into him.