As I Am

by AnnaLisa Grant

  Rounding the corner to the back side of the dining hall, I find those three wretched boys who messed with Margaret. They’re huddled together again and I actually feel a twinge of joy at what I’m hoping I’m about to do.

  “Hello again, boys,” I say to them in a sing-song voice.

  “Oh crap!” one of them says. I still only know Chad’s name because he’s Brandon’s little brother, but I haven’t bothered to remember the other boys’ names.

  “Hand it over.” They know exactly what I’m talking about, as my statement is a reminder that I said if I found them out with that book again, it would become mine.

  “You can’t take the book,” Chad says. Fear coats his tone and my intrigue about the book resurfaces. I had forgotten all about it amidst everything that went on with Addy, but now that it’s about to be in my hot little hands, I’m as curious as I had been before.

  “You can have it back in a few days when you leave. Or maybe I should just tell Brandon you got caught with it?” I threaten.

  “NO!” they all say at once.

  “Fine. But you can’t look in it. You’re not part of the, uh, club, so you can’t look in it.” Chad chokes out his directive.

  “Go. All of you. Go spend your free time this evening doing something productive.” I wave my hand and shoo them away. They scurry around the corner and I continue making my way to the embankment.

  I’m more than moderately interested in this secret book that these boys have been so enthralled with. What did Cal call their little club again? The … The … The League. That’s right. The League. It sounds so much more distinguished than Cal’s “boys learning how to get some and become men” explanation. I continue walking in the direction of the embankment while I mindlessly flip through the book, curious as to what nuggets of wisdom fill its pages.

  Journal of The League, Vol. VI. It’s a journal? And this is the sixth volume? Oh, wait. That’s right. I heard Brandon say that Cal’s entry was the hottest one in here. If fourteen-year-old boys have been keeping this journal, how hot could any of these entries be? I laugh to myself at the anticipation of the epic awkwardness I’m about to read.

  I stop flipping on a random page and read.

  Seth P.

  Sarah’s boobs were small, but that’s ok because at least she let me touch them, not like that other girl. Her boobs were really big. I wish I could have touched hers.

  Oh my gosh! Is that was this is about? Boob touching?

  Knowing how confident Cal is now, I flip through the journal trying to find his entry. I can only imagine how awkward he was at fourteen. There can’t be that many Cals, although it might be a popular name at a place like Westchester Academy. It takes me a minute to find it, but only because the book is pretty thick. I stop walking when I find his name so I can read his entry.

  Cal H.

  It was a really hot day so Kara was wearing a thin, cotton shirt with buttons, and short shorts that showed off her legs. She has nice legs. Her boobs aren’t too big, but they still felt good. At first she didn’t want to let me touch her, but after I unbuttoned her top she seemed ok. I kissed her and she fought back a little. I had her up against the tree and she couldn’t move. When I put my hand down her pants she told me to stop, but I know she really wanted it. Her body shook after I rubbed her so I know she liked it. She cried a little bit after, but sometimes girls do that because they get all emotional about stuff.

  I scan the rest of the entry and see words like “moist” and “slick.” I can’t even bring myself to read the context they’re in. What kind of perverted kid was he? I feel so bad for that girl.

  I suddenly feel the blood drain from my face. I do the calculation of how long ago Cal was here as a camper, and reality hits me like a Mac truck. Miller and Cal are the same age. Cal was only here one summer. Miller’s sister Kara was a year younger than him so … But Kara’s a popular name, right? I mean, it could be a different Kara. Oh my God! Please don’t let this be Miller’s sister, Kara. Please be a different Kara.

  I close the book and white-knuckle it in my hands. My heart races as the words that I read roll around in my head like one of those impossible labyrinth mazes looking for a way out. My eyes dart from tree to tree looking for some kind of rationale. How could he do that to her? And all in the name of building his ego?

  “Kinley.” I turn around when I hear Cal say my name. He’s standing there, his fists in balls at his side. He steps closer and I can see the vein on his neck pulsating quickly as he eyes the book clutched in my hands. The boys must have gone back and told Cal that I took the book from them. He was pretty adamant about no one seeing it when I overheard him with Brandon. “I need you to give me to journal.”

  He doesn’t even look like the same person to me anymore. His face is hard and pained, and desperation fills his eyes. I was slowly getting over my disgust with him, but now I’m completely repulsed by his presence. “You can have your book back, but I already know what you did. I read every gross word of it.”

  “Leave it alone, Kinley,” he warns.

  “I will not leave it alone. You raped that girl.” Disdain drips from my lips as visions of Kara’s fearful face permeate my mind.

  “I did not rape her,” he says defensively.

  “Technically, maybe not. But you violated her in ways that are just as damaging. It appears this is another decision you made without any regard for how it would affect the other person. Did you get off, too? Was there no room left on the page for you to detail your own selfish‒‒”

  “It’s not true!” he shouts, cutting me off.

  “I read the whole things, Cal. Every creepy word you wrote!”

  “It’s a lie,” he says, his voice quieter now.

  “So it didn’t happen?” I question him suspiciously.

  “No, it did. It just wasn’t me.”

  “You’re not making sense. Did it happen or not?” I think he’s just trying to confuse me so I’ll give up, but that’s not going to happen. “If it wasn’t you, why would you write this?”

  “Kinley, please. I’m not proud of what happened that night and I really just want you to let it go.” Cal’s shoulders are slumped now, and his face is growing pale.

  “Do you have any idea who that girl was?”

  “Her name was Kara,” he answers softly.

  “Her name was Kara Conrad. She was Miller’s sister,” I say, certain that the more I examine the scenario the more it will become clear that she was, in fact, Miller’s sister. The coincidence is too great. Cal looks at me, shocked by my statement. “And when she got home from camp, she killed herself. I can only assume it was her last attempt at numbing the pain of what you did to her.”

  Cal drops to his knees and shoves his face in his hands. “It’s my fault. I should have stopped him,” I hear Cal say through the muffling of his hands.

  “You should have stopped who?” I ask.

  “Kyle. My buddy Nick’s older brother,” he tells me.

  “Cal … what does Kyle have to do with this?” I’m watching Cal and can’t believe that this is all a performance just to escape blame. His body is hunched over and he’s looking at his shaking hands. “Cal …”

  “I liked her. Not just as part of the whole setup. I really liked her. She was smart and pretty. You remind me of her.” Cal catches my eyes as he recalls his feelings for Kara. “I told Kyle I didn’t want to do anything with her like that. He told me I had to or I would be out of The League and he’d make sure I was a laughingstock at Westchester.”

  “What happened, Cal?”

  “I … told her to meet me in the woods near the pavilion. We talked for a little bit and then I tried to kiss her. It was fine at first, but then I think she got nervous. She started to tear up and that’s when I stopped. I apologized and she said she it wasn’t that she didn’t like me, it was that she just wasn’t ready for that. So, we just hung out and talked for a while. Brandon and Nick were nearby watching things unfold. They must have g
otten Kyle because a few minutes later he was approaching and he looked pissed.” Cal’s voice begins to tremble. “I tried to hold him off, but … he told me he was going to show me how it was done.”

  “What?”

  “I didn’t want to, but he made me stay. He made me … watch. I wanted to run, but I couldn’t leave her there.” His face turns red as he works to hold back tears, but they’re streaming down his face. “She cried … and cried. She asked me to help her, but … I was a coward. I just stood there telling her I was sorry.”

  “You watched him rape her?”

  “NO! He didn’t … he didn’t do that. It was just as horrifying, though.” Cal’s face is back in his hands and his whole body is shaking as the tears he’s held back for all these years break free. “After, when Kyle left her there slumped against that tree, I went to her and she let me hold her while she cried.”

  “What about the journal entry?”

  “Kyle made me write it. He dictated it to me. I should never have gone along with any of it, but … my dad was a part of The League and I just wanted to be part of something. I wanted to tell my dad what The League was turning into. The way he always talked about it, it was a social club to teach wealthy boys how to be gentlemen. By the time I got in, it was nothing like what my father described. It became this twisted fraternity with pledging and hazing and …” Cal shakes his head and wrings his hands, disturbed by the reality of what was supposed to be a family tradition.

  “So why carry it on now? Why excuse the boys for what happened with Margaret?” If he’s so against what The League has become, he should have defended Margaret, not the boys.

  “Brandon told me what the boys were doing that night. It was way too reminiscent of what happened with me and I was afraid if I didn’t stop them that Brandon would go out there like Kyle did. I don’t think he’d do what Kyle did, but I couldn’t risk that. I was on my way out there to stop them but Miller beat me to it. Call it pride or being just being a jerk, but … I couldn’t back down in front of the boys after being challenged by Miller.” He sighs heavily. “You need to know that I felt really bad about that night, Kinley. I went back to The Lodge to tell Brandon it was time to chill things out …”

  “But you didn’t. I heard you that night. All you did was tell him that the boys needed to keep the journal hidden.” I finish his sentence, afraid he won’t be honest with me about what he really told Brandon.

  “I was a coward then, and I’m a coward now. I’m not proud of what happened that night, or many nights since then. But I’m working on being better. You know … one of the reasons I loved being friends with you this year was because all our communication was through email. I could tell you things that I couldn’t tell anybody. I could be real with you. Since that night I always felt like I was hiding, but with you … I never felt like I had to hide. I’m sorry that I screwed that up.”

  I want to yell and scream at him for allowing something to horrific to happen to Kara. He should have told someone. He should have told his father. He could have saved her life. But … he was just a little boy, and somewhere along the line The League started convincing them that they had to be men. At fourteen, no one is prepared to be a man or a woman. We’re completely ill prepared for the decisions and accountability that comes with adulthood. Hell, most people my age are ill prepared.

  I understand what it’s like to want to stand up for yourself, but feeling like you can’t; feeling too scared and weak to be brave. It’s a debilitating fear that you’ll lose the things that you think you love and need the most so you just don’t say anything at all. The chips fall where they may, but people get hurt in the process … you get hurt in the process.

  Instead of yelling and screaming, I find myself kneeling next to Cal with my arm draped over his back. “You were just a scared kid.”

  “I wish I could go back and change it all,” Cal whispers.

  “I wish you could, too,” Miller says from a few feet away.

  “Miller … what ….” I stand, surprised by Miller’s presence.

  “I came looking for you when you didn’t show up at the embankment,” he explains. Oh, no. I completely forgot. “I wanted to make sure you were okay. Imagine my surprise to find you here. I would have spoken up sooner but I wanted to hear if Cal was manipulating you into forgiving him before you’re ready.”

  “I’m so sorry, Miller. I lost track of time,” I apologize.

  “I can see that. I guess if I were listening to the confession of the guy responsible for my sister’s death I’d be a captive audience, too.” Rage fills Miller’s eyes. I step forward, creating a barrier between Miller and Cal.

  “He didn’t kill her. That was her choice. You said so yourself,” I remind him.

  “Get out of the way, Kinley,” he demands as he locks his eyes on Cal like a target.

  “Miller …”

  “Move before I move you.”

  “Just move, Kinley. Whatever he’s got for me, I’m ready to take it. I knew one day I’d have to pay for what I did.” Cal stands, already defeated and ready to take the punishment Miller is preparing.

  “He was just a kid. He was a scared kid, Miller.” I hold my palms flat against Miller’s chest as I move to meet him in some attempt at holding him back.

  Miller’s eyes leave their focus on Cal and move to me. “Are you defending what he did?”

  “I’m just saying that it was Kyle who violated Kara, not Cal. Should Cal have done something? Yes. But he was a scared, fourteen-year-old little boy who didn’t know what to do,” I plead.

  Miller’s nostrils flare and even in the darkening hues of the setting sun I can see his face is red. His eyes are wide and locked on mine. I’m doing everything I can to prevent a murder right now but I’m not sure how much longer I can hold Miller off. He breathes heavily, almost panting as he decides if he’s going to physically move me out of the way, or not.

  “You need to leave, Cal,” Miller growls.

  “We can have this out,” Cal replies.

  “I’ve been looking for a reason to kick your ass since we got here. Kinley has created enough of a diversion that you should take it. I may be smaller than you, but don’t underestimate the strength of a big brother avenging his little sister.”

  “Go, Cal, and take the journal with you. I’m trusting that your disdain for what The League has become will be enough for you to do the right thing. I’m sure it contains other evidence that will be helpful in taking the group down.” I don’t take my eyes off Miller, afraid if I do he’ll change his mind and lunge around me at Cal.

  Cal hesitates for a moment and then picks up the book. “I’m really sorry, Miller.”

  Miller closes his eyes and stretches his neck from side to side. He did this once before and I thought he was preparing to punch Cal then. Thankfully it turned out that he was calming himself down. I hope that’s still the case tonight. Once Cal has successfully passed Miller and walked a good distance away, I take Miller’s hand in mine. Only … Miller takes it back.

  “I don’t even know what to say to you right now,” he says through almost gritted teeth. “I can’t believe you don’t think he’s responsible for what happened to Kara.”

  “He’s not. Kyle is. It sucks what happened to Kara. It wasn’t right and it should never have happened. But how can you hold a fourteen-year-old boy responsible for what a twenty-one-year-old guy did? Think of yourself at fourteen. You were forced to make adult decisions because of your parents’ didn’t want to make them. Were you ready? Did you know the right answer to every predicament you found yourself in?” I watch Miller begin to slowly pace, rubbing his hands together so hard he could start a fire. He shakes his head, twists it and turns it like he’s having a conversation in his head. Minutes go by and I wonder if I should excuse myself and leave Miller to his contemplation.

  After several long minutes that seem to drag out, Miller turns and walks just past me. It’s darker now so he clicks on his flashlight an
d motions for me to join him. We walk in silence back to The Lodge, and I wonder with every step how long it will take him to speak. I stop when we reach the path just in front of the porch, but Miller continues to take the steps up.

  “Miller,” I say softly. “Are we going to talk about this?”

  “I can’t right now. I … have to go,” he says.

  “Okay.” If Miller needs time to think and sort through the horrific thing he learned tonight, then I can give him the space to do that. And I’m sure after a good night’s sleep, he’ll feel better. I breathe a small sigh of relief knowing that we’ll all feel better come sunrise.

  Chapter 14

  I didn’t sleep as well as I was hoping I would. Cal’s recounting of that terrible night echoed in my mind, and every time I closed my eyes I pictured Kara and fourteen-year-old Cal huddled against a tree as she weeps for the innocence that was taken from her.

  Miller probably didn’t sleep at all. I shudder at the thought of the images that tormented him, keeping him from rest. He already felt badly about not being there for her. Now he knew it wasn’t the cruelty of bullies that plagued her, but having something so special ripped away from her in the name of teaching someone “how it’s done.”

  And then there’s Cal. He must have felt so small and helpless that night. I’m so torn, though. He was a jerk that night with Margaret in some attempt to be a macho in front of Miller. But … I know Cal now and know that he’s genuinely remorseful for what happened with Kara. He could have defended himself to me and immediately blamed Kyle, but the first thing he said was that it was his fault. What happened to Kara was awful, but I believe Cal was really afraid and unsure of what to do. I think the best everyone can hope for now is that Cal and Miller can experience some healing now that Cal’s secret has been revealed, and Miller has answers to what happened to Kara.