As I Am

by AnnaLisa Grant

  The sketches are of me.

  And Miller is standing at the end of the room.

  “I told you it wasn’t a good idea to go to Georgia.” Addy raises her eyebrows with her smile and leaves the room, closing the door behind her.

  I swallow hard and look at Miller standing nervously across the room. He’s wearing jeans and a baseball shirt with black sleeves, and Chucks. My heart races. I can’t decide if I’m going to yell at him or if I’m going to run and crush my lips against his.

  My bag drops out of my hand and lands with a soft thud.

  “Hello,” he says nervously.

  “Hello,” I answer with equal trepidation.

  “What’s with the bag?” he asks. Miller closes the gap between us, separating us by only a few feet.

  “Funny enough, I was about to get on a plane to come find you.”

  “That is a coincidence, isn’t it?” Miller smiles and I resist the urge to kiss him.

  “I wouldn’t have had to do that if you hadn’t disappeared on me.” I cross my arms in front of me, making sure Miller knows I’m serious.

  “I’m sorry, Kinley. I was in bad place and I just needed to clear my head.”

  “You could have done that with me. I wasn’t so messed up that I couldn’t have helped you the way you helped me,” I say defensively. “What? Did you think that because I was dealing with my own crap there was no way that I could have been there for you?”

  “No, I didn’t think that at all. I was pissed. I was pissed at Cal … and you. I left feeling like you had defended him and I didn’t know what to do with that. I understand your position that night now, but I was really upset then,” he explains.

  “So talking to me about it was out of the question?” I ask, letting sarcasm roll off my tongue.

  “Is this what you were going to do when you came to Savannah? You were going to yell at me?” he challenges, taking a step closer.

  “Yes! No! A little! I was going to tell you that it wasn’t fair that you left the way you did without talking to me. And that I didn’t appreciate your note. It wasn’t even a full letter! It was a sad, short note!” Getting worked up, I shove the sleeves of my sweater up to my elbows. “You, with your back story and fatherly advice and meaningful tattoos about savoring moments in time and not being defined by your past … You abandoned that to go nurse your wounds and‒‒”

  “Holy crap! Did you get ink?” Miller grabs my left arm and turns it over to see the letters spelled out across my wrist.

  “I’m not done yelling at you,” I bark at him. I don’t take my arm from him because his touch feels good.

  “Yes, you are. I get it. I screwed up. Why do you think I’m here?” He keeps my arm in his grasp as he steps even closer to me. With our hands at one side, Miller reaches up and cups his other hand behind my neck. “I walked all the way to the front gate of the camp. Do you want to know when I knew it was huge mistake to leave? The moment I stepped off the porch of The Lodge. I knew my letter to you was a joke. I had been telling how you deserved so much better and then I spat all over that with a pathetic excuse that I couldn’t even give you in person.” Miller presses our foreheads together and we both close our eyes, relishing in the moment of being close again after so long. “I have spent the last three months not knowing if I would ever be able to fix this. I’m so sorry. Is this fixable? Are we fixable?”

  I sigh, letting all the anger and frustration I had built up just melt away. Miller’s words flow into my heart and soul like a peaceful melody. I pull away from him and lift the arm he’s still holding. “This is the other thing, the main reason why I was going to Savannah.”

  “When did you have this done?” Miller stares at the tattoo on my wrist that reads a word I knew only Margaret would be able to give me.

  “Yesterday, so it’s still a little tender,” I say with a breathy laugh.

  “What does it mean?” he asks.

  “Eudaimonia. It means human flourishing. A contented state of being happy and healthy. I wanted you to know that, regardless of how you left, or if you had moved on … even though I missed you like crazy and lost count of how many times I dreamt about the first time you kissed me … No matter how things ended up with us, I’m happy. Happy with myself and who I am. Happy with where I’m going in life. Happy to make mistakes … to have victories and defeats. Happy to have known you, because you changed my life.”

  “That … is … I have no words. Maybe I should call Margaret!” Miller laughs. “I’m really happy for you, Kinley and I missed you, too. If it weren’t for Addison, I wouldn’t be here. I thought I had ruined everything but she called me a few days ago and told me if I didn’t come and make this right with you, I’d have her to deal with.”

  “She’s been a busy bee,” I chuckle. “So, yeah … we’re fixable because I’m not as broken as I used to be. And the parts of me that are still cracked … I’m good with them because I don’t want to be perfect. I just want to exist peacefully in my imperfection.”

  “That’s just about the most perfect thing I’ve ever heard.”

  I smile and look at the sketches hanging across the wall. “So, can I ask now what all this is?” I gesture to the line-up of my likenesses.

  “This is my Interpretive Art class,” Miller answers. “And why I’m here.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “Um ... I’d like to read you something. At first I was going to read what I wrote at camp, but this one seemed like it would explain things a little better. Is that okay?”

  I nod, biting my lip, unsure of how I’m going to respond. I want to keep it cool. I’m a new person now, filled with strength and bravery. But when the guy you’re crazy about is about to read poetry to you, all of that seems to take a back seat.

  Miller picks up his journal from the table next to him and takes a deep breath as he opens it. Looking at me square in the eyes, he begins. “This is called, She.”

  I think I might faint.

  Draw, he said

  Draw the day, draw the moon

  Draw your heart when it swoons

  Draw your worst, your best

  Your first, your last

  Draw what drives you crazy

  Draw what makes you lazy

  Draw the things that make you dark

  Draw the deepest parts of your heart

  But when he said to draw the sunrise

  My world stopped ‘cause all I saw was your face,

  Your lips

  Your eyes

  And when he asked who this beauty was, I told him

  She is my day, my moon

  What makes my heart swoon

  She is my worst, my best

  My first, my last

  She drives me crazy and oh

  How all I want to do is be lazy

  With her

  All day

  Forever

  She has made me dark

  And reached the deepest parts of my heart

  But more than anything

  She is my sunrise and all I want is to see her face

  Kiss her lips

  And dive into her eyes

  I cover my mouth with my hand, doing my best to hold back the tears from spilling out of my eyes. No one has ever said these things about me. And even though I had an understanding of how Miller felt about me, I sorely underestimated him.

  “I didn’t move on, Kinley. I couldn’t. For three months all I’ve thought about is how I ruined an amazing opportunity with you. I got back to my therapist and it was over a month before I even told him what I found out about Kara. I spent six weeks talking about how I had let the best thing that ever happened to me slip through my fingers because I acted hastily.” Miller takes my hand and puts it over his heart where I know his kairos tattoo is. “I used to say that Kara was the only person who ever looked at me and truly saw me. Then you looked at me and gave a whole new meaning to being seen.

  “My heart hurts when I’m not with you. I don’t k
now what’s going to happen or even how to make a long-distance relationship work, but … just say you’ll be with me. You’ll be with me and I’ll be with you and together we’ll take advantage of kairos moments and have eternal edamame, or however you pronounce it. Either way, we’ll be happy.”

  My heart pounds with excitement inside my chest and I giggle. A smile so big I just know my face can’t contain it, erupts without control. “Yeah. You’ll be with me, and I’ll be with you.” Miller kisses me and three months’ worth of emotions come roaring through me like a flash flood. The joy and sorrow, the excitement and disappointment, the feeling that only comes when you begin to see yourself for the very first time. I’m thrilled by Miller’s ability to see me as I am, but I’m even more overwhelmed by my own ability to see myself.

  “So, uh … you owe me a plane ticket,” I say, fixing Miller’s shirt after I balled it in my hand while he kissed me.

  “I don’t owe you a plane ticket. You did that all on your own,” he laughs.

  “If you hadn’t left me alone, I wouldn’t have had to buy the ticket to come down there!”

  “Alright, alright! Can I pay you in art and poetry?” he asks.

  “Can I sell the art and poetry for cash?” I joke.

  “Whoa!” Miller grabs me around my waist and I don’t flinch for a second as he pulls me to him.

  “Okay! Okay!” I laugh as I kiss Miller quickly. “You’re lucky we got everything straightened out. Pete said he would take your place if you didn’t come back, and both Pete and Cal said they would kick your ass for breaking my heart.”

  “Well then I’m glad I’m back. The idea of you being with someone else really sucks.” Miller caresses my cheek with his thumb as he holds my face in his hand. “Wait. They said they were going to kick my ass?”

  “Yep. But don’t worry. I’m strong and brave enough to fight them off for you,” I tell him.

  “I know you are, Kinley. I know you are.”

  The End

  Acknowledgements

  Thank you to the incredible team of people who consistently work hard to make me look good. Rick Miles and the team at Red Coat PR, I’m the luckiest girl in the world to get to work with you. Thank you for your vision and all you do to help my dreams come true. I’m so happy to be a member of the RCPR family, but even happier to call you and Amy my dear friends.

  Kristina, thank you for the editing expertise you bring to my work through Red Road Editing. You fix my ramblings and make sure I dictate the voices I hear in my head clearly.

  Thank you, thank you, thank you to Kari with Cover to Cover designs for making the cover of As I Am come alive exactly as I hoped it would. And to Kelsey with K Keeton Designs for working the photographic magic you’re so known for and creating a shot where Nathan Weller and Katie Bowen were able to become Miller and Kinley. You both made my dream for this cover become a reality!

  To my ever faithful Lisa B. who reads every word I write and challenges me to be better. Thank you for pretending to be dense and asking the hard questions! You are invaluable.

  I’d be remiss if I didn’t give a shout of thanks to the amazing writing community I’m fortunate to be a part of. You are mentors and friends and partners in this adventure. Thanks for getting past my fangirling over you and become some of the greatest friends I’ve ever had.

  Finally, and as always, to my personal Miller: my husband, Donavan. Thank you for seeing my heart and soul and taking me as I am for the past sixteen years. My heart swells knowing that you really and truly see me.

  Also by AnnaLisa Grant

  The Lake Trilogy: The Lake, Troubled Waters, Safe Harbor

  Next to Me