Paddington Complete Novels

by Michael Bond

  “Now look what you’ve made me do!” he barked. “I’ve dropped my list of presents… I sat up late last night making it out…”

  Paddington looked shocked. “You haven’t opened them already have you, Mr Curry?” he exclaimed. “Mrs Bird says that’s supposed to be very unlucky.”

  “I don’t have any to open yet, bear,” said Mr Curry. “That paper you made me drop contains a list of all the things I wouldn’t mind having.

  “I made it out in case anyone happens to be stuck for ideas,” he added casually.

  Paddington made haste to retrieve the paper. From a quick glance, it seemed to be rather long.

  “Don’t bother reading it now, bear,” said Mr Curry hastily. “You can keep it to browse over at your leisure. However, there isn’t much time left, so I suggest you don’t hang about. I wouldn’t want you to be disappointed.”

  “Thank you very much, Mr Curry,” said Paddington doubtfully. “Bears are good at browsing, so I don’t expect I shall keep it very long.”

  But the Browns’ neighbour had already disappeared. One moment he was there, the next moment, following what sounded remarkably like a chuckle, his kitchen door slammed shut.

  Paddington stood where he was for a moment or two, wondering what to do with the paper in his paw; then he slowly made his way back to the kitchen.

  Mrs Bird, the Browns’ housekeeper, was busy making marmalade, but she gave one of her snorts when he told her what had happened. “I’ll give that Mr Curry a birthday present,” she said.

  Withdrawing a wooden spoon from one of the saucepans, she licked it with evident relish. “One he won’t forget in a hurry.”

  Catching sight of an anxious look on Paddington’s face, she softened. “I daresay he can’t help being the way he is. He must have been born that way. It’s our bad luck we have the misfortune to live next door to him.

  “It isn’t like me to forget anyone’s birthday,” she continued, her mind clearly on other things. “Even Mr Curry’s. I thought it was much later in the year…

  “Could you read out some of the things he wants – I daren’t leave my saucepans for a moment in case they boil over.”

  Paddington was only too pleased to oblige.

  “A new ballcock for the cistern…” he announced, “…a mouse trap… breakfast cereal (see two packets for price of one offer at cut-price grocers)… a three-for-one offer on tubes of shaving cream from new stall in market…”

  “I take it all back,” said Mrs Bird, over another quick stir. “He must have turned over a new leaf. It doesn’t sound like him at all. It’s much too modest.”

  She thought for a moment. “It just so happens I have a fruit cake in the oven. It was meant for our tea, but it won’t take long to cover it with marzipan… he likes lots of candles and his name written in the icing…

  “It would happen today when I’m up to my eyes. It’s way past the marmalade-making season, but I’m experimenting with some Seville oranges I’ve been keeping in the freezer. I’m not too sure how they will turn out.”

  “Your 2009s were very good, Mrs Bird,” said Paddington knowledgeably. “I stuck three of the labels from the jars into my scrapbook to remind me. It was the best I’ve ever had.”

  “All gone, I’m afraid,” said Mrs Bird, hiding her pleasure as best she could over the saucepan. “And there’s not much left of the 2010s either. I don’t know what happens to marmalade in this house,” she added meaningly. “It just disappears.”

  Clearly in two minds about what to do next, she began sorting out her spoons.

  “Perhaps I could help, Mrs Bird?” said Paddington. “I wouldn’t want your experiment to go wrong.”

  “Would you mind, dear?” said Mrs Bird. “You could get him some of that shaving cream.” Reaching into her handbag she withdrew a five pound note. “That ought to take care of it.”

  Paddington needed no second bidding. The steam from the saucepan was making his whiskers droop, and with Mrs Brown at the hairdressers, and both Jonathan and Judy away at school, he was at a bit of a loose end, so he was on his way in no time at all.

  Over the years he had become a well-known figure in the Portobello market, and although he had gained a reputation for driving a hard bargain, the resident traders were always pleased to see him.

  That said, more often than not, outsiders with their barrows were a case of ‘here today and gone tomorrow’, so it was some while before Paddington came across the one he was looking for.

  Chalked on a large piece of slate were the words: TODAY’S BARGAIN, and underneath a smaller announcement that said: THREE ORDINARY SIZE TUBES OF SHAVING CREAM ALL IN ONE GIANT TUBE!

  “As used by some of the crowned ’eads of Europe in the old days,” called the stall keeper, rubbing his hands in anticipation of a sale as he saw Paddington eyeing his display. “It wasn’t my fault it fell off the back of a lorry a couple of days ago just as I ’appened to be setting up me barrow. I ran after it, but it was gone before I could say ’alf a mo.”

  He took a closer look at Paddington. “If you don’t mind my saying so,” he said. “You look as though you could do with a good shave…

  “I’m not asking two nicker. I’m not even asking three. Seeing as you’re the first customer of the day, you can ’ave one of them giant tubes for four pounds…”

  Paddington gave the man a hard stare. “Aren’t you going the wrong way?” he said, raising his hat politely.

  The stall keeper paused and his eyes narrowed. “I can see there are no flies on you, mate,” he said. “If you don’t fancy ’aving a good shave, how about a new titfer tat?” He reached out for a pile of hats. “Yours looks as if it’s seen better days.”

  “It belonged to my uncle in Darkest Peru,” said Paddington. “It was handed down. The shaving cream is a birthday present for our next door neighbour.”

  Wilting under Paddington’s gaze, the man hastily changed his tune. “Nothing like starting the day with a bit of friendly banter,” he said. “You can ’ave it for two pounds and seeing it’s a birthday present I’ll throw in some wrapping paper for luck.”

  “Thank you very much,” said Paddington. “I might come here to do some shopping again tomorrow.”

  “I might not be ’ere tomorrow,” said the man with feeling. “Especially if I get too many customers like you,” he added under his breath.

  But Paddington was already on his way.

  Even if the wrapping paper did look as though it had seen better days, he still thought it was the best morning’s shopping he had done for a long while, and he hurried back to number thirty-two Windsor Gardens as fast as his legs would carry him in order to break the news to Mrs Bird and give her the change from her five pound note.

  The Browns’ housekeeper could hardly believe her eyes when she saw what Paddington had bought. “I’ve never seen such a big tube,” she said. “I do hope you haven’t been taken for a ride. Even bears don’t get something for nothing these days.”

  “The man said it was the same as some of the crowned heads of Europe used in the old days,” said Paddington.

  “That’s as may be,” said Mrs Bird. “But as I recall, most of them had beards, so there can’t have been much demand for it.”

  “Perhaps that’s why they had a lot left over,” said Paddington.

  “Perhaps,” said Mrs Bird. It sounded like typical salesman’s patter to her, but she didn’t want to be a wet blanket.

  However, her words weighed heavily on Paddington’s mind as he made his way upstairs to his bedroom.

  Removing the tube from its box, he examined it carefully. There was no sign of a dent, but if it really had fallen off the back of a lorry it might well have become bent.

  To make doubly sure all was well, he fetched Mr Brown’s special shaving mirror on a stand from the bathroom. Although one side of the glass was just like an ordinary mirror – the other side made things seem much larger than they really were and that was the one he wanted.


  Placing the stand carefully in the centre of his bedside table, he laid his old leather suitcase flat on the floor in front of it and picked up Mr Curry’s present.

  Having climbed on top of the case, he carefully unscrewed the cap on the end of the tube and held the nozzle up to the mirror before giving the tube itself a gentle squeeze.

  A tiny white blob the size of a small pea appeared momentarily, then went back inside again.

  Paddington stared at the nozzle. Disappearing shaving cream wouldn’t be a good start to anyone’s day if they were in a hurry. In his mind’s eye he could already hear cries of, “Bear! Where are you, bear?” issuing from Mr Curry’s bathroom window.

  Knowing the Browns’ neighbour of old, he would be demanding his money back even though he hadn’t paid for it.

  Bracing himself, Paddington gritted his teeth and had another go. This time he used both paws and gave the tube a much harder squeeze.

  For a moment or two nothing happened and he was about to give up when he felt a minor explosion in his paw and a stream of white foamy liquid shot everywhere. It left Mr Brown’s mirror looking as though it had been buried by a major blizzard at the North Pole.

  Paddington was so taken by surprise he let go of the tube like a hot cake and hovered to and fro on top of his suitcase before finally losing his balance.

  Stepping backwards into space, it could only have been a split second or so before he landed on the floor, but the tube had beaten him to it.

  As he lay where he had fallen, his legs and arms waving helplessly in the air, he was aware of a further eruption, and through half-closed eyes he saw what remained of the tube’s contents flying in all directions.

  The largest lump of all hit the ceiling right above his head, and as it slowly detached itself, Paddington jumped to his feet.

  He gazed mournfully round the room. It was a long time since he had seen it in quite such a mess, and it had all come about in the twinkling of an eye; so fast, in fact, there was nothing he could possibly have done to stop it.

  Hastily returning Mr Brown’s mirror to the bathroom before anything else untoward happened, Paddington held it under the tap for a while before returning it to its rightful place.

  It took rather longer than he had bargained for, because the hot water made the cream turn into foam and he was soon enveloped in bubbles. That was another thing about messes; they tended to spread, and the more you tried to put things right the worse they became.

  It was while he was drying everything as best he could with the towels that his gaze alighted on a wall cabinet above the basin. He knew from past explorations that it was full of interesting things in bottles and packets, but apart from a small spoon and some nail files, he couldn’t remember there being any other likely tools. All the same, he took them back to his bedroom, just in case.

  Once there, he consulted the instructions on the side of the tube. There was a great deal on the subject of what a wonderful shaving experience lay in wait for the user, but there was nothing at all about how to get the cream back into the tube if too much had come out.

  Removing as much as he could from the walls and the furniture before getting down to work, Paddington soon discovered it wasn’t as easy as he had expected.

  Holding the tube with one paw and applying shaving cream to the nozzle with the spoon, he couldn’t help but grip the tube so tightly to stop it bending that in the end most of the cream landed on the floor.

  His friend, Mr Gruber, often said that what comes out doesn’t necessarily go back in again, and the wisdom of his words was soon confirmed.

  In fact, Paddington was concentrating so much on the task in hand he didn’t hear Mrs Bird until she was outside his room.

  “How are you getting on with wrapping Mr Curry’s present?” she called.

  “I haven’t even started on that, Mrs Bird,” said Paddington.

  Opening the door as little as possible, he peered through the gap.

  “Do you have to do it in your bedroom?” asked Mrs Bird.

  “I do now,” said Paddington sadly.

  “Well, let me know if you need a hand with the knots,” said Mrs Bird. “I shan’t be long. I’ve run out of candles for Mr Curry’s cake, and I don’t doubt he’ll be counting them. I’d better make sure I use enough or that’ll be wrong. On the other hand, I don’t want to use too many and risk him catching the house on fire.

  “I haven’t even started on the lettering yet. If anyone phones, tell them I shall be back in a quarter of an hour or so.”

  Mrs Bird sounded flustered, as well she might with all that was going on, but after a short pause, Paddington heard the sound of the front door closing and as it did, so it triggered off another of his ideas.

  Hurrying downstairs, he made his way to the kitchen and there, sure enough, lay the answer to his problem. Mr Curry’s freshly-iced cake was sitting in the middle of the table, and alongside it was exactly what he needed: a canvas bag on the end of which there was a tiny metal funnel. It must have been meant.

  “I think,” said Mr Brown, over tea in the garden the following week, “my handiwork with the fence must have paid off. I haven’t seen old Curry looking over it for ages.”

  “I’m afraid it’s a bit more complicated than that, Henry,” replied Mrs Brown. “It’s all to do with his birthday.”

  “If I hadn’t been in such a rush the morning after Paddington planted his seeds, I wouldn’t have stopped him in the middle of what Mr Curry said was a list of the presents he wanted,” agreed Mrs Bird.

  “When I had the chance to take a proper look it had things on it like a tin of peas…”

  “And half a cabbage!” added Paddington indignantly. “It was his shopping list, and we bought him a present too!”

  “Hold on a minute,” said Mr Brown. “What has all that got to do with the garden fence?”

  “He dropped the list over our side of the fence…” explained Mrs Brown.

  “Accidentally on purpose,” broke in Mrs Bird. “It happened to land at Paddington’s feet and Mr Curry said it was his birthday list.”

  “In that case he deserves all he got!” said Mr Brown, rising to Paddington’s defence. “Er… what did we give him in the end?”

  “A tube marked ‘shaving cream’, which was full of icing sugar,” said Mrs Bird, “and a cake with his name written across the top in shaving cream. I can’t think that either of them went down very well, but it serves him right for playing such a mean trick.”

  “I had an accident with the tube,” explained Paddington, “so I borrowed Mrs Bird’s cake-making outfit to get the shaving cream back inside it. Only the bag still had some icing sugar inside it so I put that into the tube by mistake.”

  “And when I came to use it,” said Mrs Bird, “I didn’t realise Paddington had filled it with shaving cream. I couldn’t think why it wouldn’t set.”

  “Which, as things turned out,” said Mrs Brown, “meant that for once Mr Curry couldn’t have his cake and eat it too. Perhaps it’s taught him a lesson. We haven’t had sight nor sound of him since. Let’s hope it lasts.”

  “Pigs might fly,” snorted Mrs Bird.

  “So that’s how I came to have traces of shaving cream over my bathroom mirror,” said Mr Brown. “I thought something must have been going on…

  “Hold on a moment,” he continued, as light suddenly dawned. “Did you say all this happened last Wednesday?”

  “I did,” said Mrs Brown. “Why do you ask, Henry?”

  “Because,” said Mr Brown, “last Wednesday was April the first. You can play any tricks you like before midday. If you ask me, not only was Mr Curry playing an April fool trick, but whoever sold Paddington the shaving cream was probably doing much the same thing.”

  “They didn’t bargain on the fact that there are some bears who happen to have been born under a lucky star,” said Mrs Brown. “Now we are enjoying some peace and quiet for a change, so all’s well that ends well.”

  And that wa
s something no one could argue with, especially when they saw that seemingly almost overnight Paddington’s seeds had begun to sprout. It was nice having things to look forward to.

  PADDINGTON’S BEST FRIEND, Mr Gruber, was most sympathetic when he heard about the goings on at number thirty-two Windsor Gardens.

  “It’s no wonder I didn’t see as much of you as usual last week, Mr Brown,” he said. “I must say my elevenses didn’t feel the same without our having cocoa and buns together.

  “Playing a simple jape on someone because it’s April Fools’ Day is one thing, but trying to get something for nothing is another matter entirely.

  “That Mr Curry deserves all he gets,” he added, echoing Mrs Bird’s words.

  “As for the man who sold you the shaving cream, words fail me.”

  “He wasn’t there this morning,” said Paddington. “I was hoping I might get Mrs Bird’s money back for her.”

  “Good riddance to bad rubbish,” said Mr Gruber, busying himself at the stove in the back of his shop. “That kind of person gives the market a bad name. The only good thing is they never stay in one place for very long. It’s like I always say, ‘here today and gone tomorrow’.”

  He handed Paddington a steaming mug of cocoa.

  “You must have been quite worn out by it all, Mr Brown. I dare say you didn’t get much sleep last night.”

  “I was still awake at nine o’clock,” said Paddington.

  “Well, there you are,” said Mr Gruber. He settled himself down alongside his friend on the old horsehair sofa at the back of the shop. “That kind of thing isn’t good for a young bear.”

  Paddington sipped his cocoa thoughtfully. There was something very comforting about Mr Gruber’s antique shop. Although it was full of old things, there was always something new to look at. In fact, it was an ever changing scene. As fast as one item disappeared, something else came along to take its place, so it was never entirely the same two days running.

  Today was a good example. An old wind-up gramophone that had enjoyed pride of place on a table in the centre of the shop for several weeks had disappeared. In its place there was a very strange-looking picture which appeared to have been made by someone glueing a mish-mash of different bits and pieces on to a board and then pouring paint all over it.