Confessions of a Demented Housewife

by Niamh Greene

  ‘You’ve lots of experience recruiting, haven’t you?’ I’d suddenly had a brainwave.

  ‘Well, yes, in the technology sector,’ she said.

  ‘You’d know how to spot a nutter, then?’ I asked.

  ‘I’m not sure about that.’ She giggled. ‘Sometimes it’s hard to tell who’s sane and who’s not – especially on a first meeting.’

  ‘Come on, Lou, help me out,’ I begged. ‘I really trust your judgement.’ (I threw that bit in for good measure although privately I felt it might not be that great – especially as the father of her child was still nowhere to be seen.)

  ‘Oh, OK then,’ she sighed, ‘but we’ll have to do it properly. I don’t do things by half-measures. First, you have to draw up a wish list of candidate characteristics, then come back to me.’

  Am so relieved I’ve persuaded her to help me choose the best, most reliable and least psychotic girl to take care of Katie and Jack in my absence. However, I’m a bit worried she insisted that fabricating on an official form is fraud and can result in five to ten years behind bars. Which can’t possibly be right. Celebs who are jailed for violating parole only ever get a few days in the slammer – and lots of lucrative TV deals afterwards.

  2 February

  Have made a comprehensive list of candidate qualities, as Louise advised.

  Qualities to look for in a childcare candidate

  Candidate must demonstrate firm handshake and maintain eye contact at all times (but not have creepy over-intense stare that makes you want to run away screaming).

  Candidate must be clean and presentable, but not tarty or too made-up. (Hint: nails bitten to the quick may indicate that the candidate is a nervy type who will not perform well when required to cook three different evening meals on a whim.)

  Candidate must not crack when faced with tricky questions. (Beads of sweat running down face may be an indicator that a candidate will have difficulty coping with stressful situations and may not take well to coaxing Jack off the table at least three times a day.)

  Candidate must provide evidence that she has carried out similar duties effectively in a previous role. NB Serving burgers in a fast-food emporium does not count as childcare.

  Candidate must demonstrate a sense of humour. Any experience as a stand-up comic, juggler, circus performer is a bonus.

  Tried to practise my interviewing technique on Katie, but she refused to co-operate and continued to do intricate dance moves in the living room while Jack spun round her doing his best to do the splits.

  3 February

  Louise arrived at nine thirty, clipboard in hand, Dargan strapped to her chest in his BabyBjörn.

  ‘I want to do a dry run for the morning,’ she said, looking serious and professional when I told her she was a day early. ‘Where are you conducting the interviews, Susie?’

  ‘Um, at the kitchen table?’ I wondered if I should have bought a pull-down screen to do a PowerPoint presentation.

  ‘Maybe we should try the living room,’ she said, narrowing her eyes. ‘I’m not sure the kitchen strikes the right tone.’

  ‘But this is where we spend most of our time,’ I said.

  ‘Yes, and it shows,’ she admonished. ‘We want to project the right image, and a pile of dirty dishes and half-baked drawings doesn’t really cut it, do you know what I mean?’

  She strode off to the living room, and I trailed in her wake, thankful I’d given it a quick tidy earlier and shoved the piles of useless gossip magazines behind the sofa.

  ‘This will have to do, I suppose,’ she announced, sitting down and pulling a manila envelope from her bag.

  ‘What’s that?’ I asked.

  ‘A dossier of the candidates,’ she replied. ‘I’ve Googled them to make sure they don’t have any criminal convictions.’

  ‘Criminal convictions?’ I spluttered.

  ‘Of course. They seem pretty clean, but we’ll make notes as we go along, follow up their references, then make an informed decision based on quantifiable statistics at the end.’

  PS Am worn out. Am also very worried. Had completely dismissed Mrs H’s notions of the possible seedy past of au pairs as one of her fanciful ideas that could be ignored. Turns out she had a point. I’ll have to be on my guard tomorrow.

  4 February

  Points to remember when conducting interviews in future

  Do not wear sunglasses in an attempt to look tough and menacing.

  Do not ask the candidate if she minds being frisked.

  Do not position a living-room lamp to shine directly into the eyes of a candidate and intimidate her.

  Do not turn up heating to make a candidate feel hot and sweaty and so confess that her qualifications are bogus.

  Do not grill a candidate about extra-marital affairs or ask her if she has ever engaged in inappropriately flirtatious behaviour with husbands (even if it would be helpful to know this).

  Do not force a candidate to make a snap decision between Ricki and Oprah (although this can reveal a lot about a person).

  Do not accuse a candidate of child-smuggling and/or engaging in slave-trade activities.

  In despair. I start work in less than a week and I still have no childcare arrangements in place. This is all Louise’s fault, or possibly Mrs H’s, for making me so paranoid. Or the government’s for not providing adequate childcare arrangements like they do in Sweden. Or is it the Netherlands? Some civilized European country where the powers-that-be provide free crèches until a child is practically a teenager. Anyway, I may now have to inform TV7 that I can no longer pursue international jet-setting career because I have to remain a downtrodden stay-at-home mother.

  Joe was too busy worrying about his cookery course to pay any attention to my crisis.

  ‘Danni may have to stop teaching,’ he said mournfully when he came home from class and emptied a batch of fresh bread on to the kitchen table.

  ‘Really?’ I said, not caring if Danni had to be deported back to wherever she came from but pretending to listen.

  ‘Yes, she’s struggling to pay her rent because her teaching gig’s only part-time. She needs a second job but she can’t find anything suitable so she may have to leave – everyone’s devastated.’

  Suddenly a lightbulb went on in my head. ‘Does she like kids?’ I asked.

  5 February

  I’m on cloud nine. Joe’s cookery teacher, Danni, has agreed to be our childminder. Turns out that as well as being a fully qualified chef, she loves kids and she has a first-aid qualification so if any of us happens to choke on a chicken nugget she’ll know just what to do.

  Was really impressed by her when she called over to chat.

  ‘I loooove kids,’ she said, as Katie and Jack eyed her from the living-room door. ‘And these bambini – they are sooo cute, yes?’

  ‘Um, yes,’ I said, wondering how much information Joe had given her. ‘Do you have any experience of working with children?’

  ‘Of course!’ she exclaimed, fishing piles of paper from her bag. ‘Here are some references for you.’ She gave me a dazzling smile. ‘I used to do the babysitting for lots of families at home. Of course I can do some cooking also.’

  She’s starting tomorrow on a trial basis – a girl who loves kids and can cook is hard to find. And her letters of reference look excellent, even if they are mostly in Italian and I can’t understand what they say. I’ll just have to overlook the fact that she looks like a supermodel and has the most enormous breasts I’ve ever seen in my life.

  PS Maybe I should start night classes in Italian – that would come in handy when I’m telling her what to make for dinner, and I could eavesdrop on her while she’s talking on her mobile phone.

  6 February

  Danni arrived as Joe was chasing Jack round the kitchen because he had fed the dog a full jar of Tesco Finest marmalade. The one without peel, which is his favourite. He quickly composed himself before he opened the door.

  ‘Good morning!’ she sang, her perfect s
kin gleaming, her glossy black hair swinging in a high ponytail, and her enormous breasts jiggling under her little yellow T-shirt.

  ‘Oh, hi, Danni,’ Joe said, smiling widely. ‘Please come in.’

  ‘OK,’ she said, politely ignoring the enormous pile of dirty clothes that had somehow found their way into the hall.

  ‘Hi, Danni,’ I called, wondering how I would be able to ignore that she was so incredibly beautiful.

  ‘Hi, Susie.’ She beamed. ‘Why don’t I make breakfast and get the bambini ready? Then you have nice long shower.’ She shooed me up the stairs, past the dog, who was being violently sick into another pile of dirty washing.

  Then she disappeared into the kitchen, Katie and Jack trailing admiringly in her wake.

  Came downstairs half an hour later to find a mound of ricotta pancakes and freshly sliced fruit waiting to be eaten, the children dressed and munching happily at the table for the first time in three years. They usually sit on the floor in front of Scooby Doo, whining that fruit is evil.

  ‘I take children to school, yes?’ Danni said, scooping some warm pancakes on to my plate and spooning fruit on top. ‘Then you can have morning to shop for new clothes for new job. Yes?’ She smiled, and a warm, fuzzy feeling enveloped me.

  ‘Um, yes,’ I said. ‘I suppose I should get some new things for work.’

  ‘Oh, yes. Lots of people will see you, no? You must shop – buy lots of new things.’ She winked at me, shook her ponytail and wiped Jack’s chin as he gazed at her adoringly. Then he popped another slice of fruit into his mouth as if it were the most natural thing in the world, and eating five portions a day was an ordinary occurrence.

  On my way out I caught sight of my reflection in the mirror and was shocked to the core. I looked at least ten years older than I am. All this worry about childcare had aged me terribly. Immediately decided I had to have luminous, dewy skin for my new TV career so I marched to Boots, where I informed the skincare specialist I needed a complete transformation ASAP.

  ‘Well, I’m a beautician, not a magician.’ She laughed, punching my arm playfully. She stopped when she saw the dismay on my haggard face.

  ‘OK. Let’s try some highlighter,’ she said, whipping out an impressive stick and applying it deftly on my cheekbones. She dabbed and swabbed for ages until eventually she shoved a magnifying mirror under my nose so I could examine my reflection in detail.

  Heard a scream gurgle in my throat before she whipped away the mirror and adjusted it. ‘Ooops, sorry!’ She chuckled. ‘Wrong side… Those mirrors can be a little over-realistic.’

  Was quite pleased with new, dewy, glowing self so proceeded to purchase €145 worth of skincare products. Felt a bit sick as the grinning assistant swiped my credit card, then spent ages reasoning with myself in the car park. Ridiculously overpriced makeup is an investment purchase that will guarantee viewers do not turn off their sets when I make it on-screen in a few weeks’ time. Also, if Eva Longoria, the little one from Desperate Housewives, is worth it, so am I.

  7 February

  Feel Danni may transform our lives. No wonder Angelica has gone through so many nannies – they’re so useful. Came home from shopping yesterday laden with glamorous purchases for my new job to find her making real, not from a packet, pasta with the children. And real, not from a jar, tomato sauce. And the children were not beating each other over the heads with the rolling-pin, but were happily taking turns to roll the pasta into tiny little sausage shapes and stir the bubbling pot of delicious-smelling sauce.

  Called Louise to tell her that Danni has fitted right in and I can no longer imagine my life without her.

  ‘She’s only been there a day,’ Louise said. ‘She’s still on her best behaviour. Wait until you find her stealing from your purse or making a move on Joe. Remember when that actor was caught on the pool table with the nanny?’ She laughed cynically.

  ‘Very funny,’ I said, a bit annoyed that she was raining on my parade. ‘Anyway, she’s brilliant with the children,’ I bragged, ‘and Joe’s right – she’s an amazing cook. Her pasta is to die for.’

  ‘She sounds great,’ Louise admitted. ‘Did all her references check out?’

  ‘Of course,’ I lied, not wanting to say that I still hadn’t got round to calling her previous employers. Anyway, am trusting my gut instinct – which is telling me Danni is perfect and must stay at all costs.

  PS Must remember not to let Mrs H near Danni. She could traumatize her in no time.

  PPS Keep thinking about the pool-table thing but am trying not to worry. Don’t think our Subbuteo toddler football table would be sturdy enough for any shenanigans.

  8 February

  Joe found the Boots receipt and was not happy. (Blast my hapless, disorganized ways. May have to purchase an accordion folder and start alphabetizing invoices and receipts in an anal manner – it might be worth it if it means Joe is none the wiser about my ad hoc beauty expenditure.)

  ‘You spent how much?’ he squeaked, when he spied the total.

  I informed him that I was now a marketable commodity and that I needed to invest in myself to reap success. (I didn’t bring up the working-behind-the-scenes thing obviously.) ‘I need to look good off duty as well as at work,’ I said. ‘I can’t go to the supermarket looking haggard any more. I have to be on all the time. People will be watching me. Maybe even taking pictures. Do you want your wife looking old and scruffy when she meets her public? Anyway, we can afford it now – remember?’ I threw in the last bit to fob him off.

  ‘You’re right,’ he said visibly relaxing. ‘I’m so used to being worried about money. Now that you’ll be earning as well we can afford these little luxuries. I’m sorry, Susie.’ He reached across and stroked my face happily.

  I tried to keep my expression composed and not let it show that I was experiencing a sick sinking feeling in my stomach. Think I pulled it off quite well. Anyway, I only have to lie for a little while – just another week or two at the very most. By then I’ll have impressed the producers so much that they’re bound to put me on-screen. In the meantime I have volunteered to look after all the pesky household bills. That way Joe won’t cotton on that anything’s amiss.

  PS Just thought – I might get my own personal stalker. At last I’ll have something in common with Hollywood celebs.

  PPS Lots of brilliant photos in the tabloids of Dee from Chat with Dee and Fran stumbling out of a nightclub, her left breast half falling out of her Roberto Cavalli mini-dress. Suspect she will not be pleased.

  9 February

  Came home from another shopping trip to find Mrs H sitting at the kitchen table watching Danni bake biscotti. ‘Ah, Susie,’ she called, as I struggled through the door under the weight of my many bags. ‘I’d like a word with you please. In P-R-I-V-A-T-E.’

  She raised her eyebrows and made a face at Danni’s back.

  ‘We go to other room,’ she shouted at Danni, in pidgin English. ‘You stay here, OK?’

  ‘Mrs H, you don’t have to shout at her. She’s not deaf,’ I said, dropping my purchases on the floor and wondering how long she had been on the premises without my knowledge – or consent, for that matter.

  ‘I wasn’t shouting, dear,’ she said, pushing me into the living room and closing the door. ‘I was speaking clearly. That’s what you’re supposed to do with these people – otherwise they won’t understand you. And that could lead to all sorts of trouble. Do you know what I mean?’ She stared hard at me. ‘What made you choose this particular girl, Susie?’ she asked.

  ‘She just seemed the best,’ I answered doubtfully, not wanting to tell her that Danni had been the only real option.

  ‘But, Susie,’ she said, shaking her head, ‘have you not noticed her, ahem, chest area?’

  ‘You mean her boobs?’ I replied.

  ‘Yes.’ She glared at me. ‘And she can cook.’

  ‘Meaning?’

  ‘It’s a dangerous combination. Very dangerous indeed.’

  ‘W
hat are you talking about, Mrs H?’ I said wearily.

  ‘I am talking about Joe, dear. Your husband. A figure like that on a girl who can make tiramisu from memory is a lethal cocktail. The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Which is why I never understood why Joe went for you.’ She patted my hand sympathetically. ‘I know you try, Susie dear, but you’re no great shakes in the kitchen, are you, pet?’

  I nodded mutely, knowing it was pointless to argue.

  ‘Anyway, try not to worry, dear. I’ll do my best to keep my eye on her while you’re at work. Make sure there are no shenanigans or funny business.’

  ‘But I thought you’d be too busy during the day,’ I said, remembering the excuses she had made not to look after Katie and Jack in the first place.

  ‘Well, that’s true,’ she seemed flustered, ‘but your marriage is of the utmost importance, Susie. I’m willing to sacrifice some of my social life to protect that holy bond. You can take yourself off to that little job at the TV station with a clear conscience. I’ll be here to keep guard.’

  She waddled off back into the kitchen to try some of Danni’s delicious biscotti.

  Had words with Joe when he came home. Told him he must inform his mother that she cannot drop in to check on Danni whenever she wants.

  ‘Ah, she’s probably a bit lonely,’ Joe said, snuggling into me. ‘Don’t stress out about it. And sure she can keep an eye on Danni – make sure she’s being good with the kids, that sort of thing.’

  Fell asleep wondering if I should get spy cameras fitted in Katie’s teddy bears – not to keep an eye on Danni but to make sure Mrs H isn’t snooping round the house all the time.

  10 February

  Called Angelica to see if she had any advice on my new role at TV7. The signal was really bad.