Confessions of a Demented Housewife

by Niamh Greene

  Have decided to stop calling round to see Louise for a while. She doesn’t deserve my unconditional support. Plus she has annoyed me by buying into the size-zero obsession. It cannot be healthy to have lost so much weight and look so good only a few months after giving birth. Have also decided not to tell her anything about Danni’s secret past. She might blow it out of all proportion.

  4 April

  Couldn’t sleep last night. Just lay there wondering how would I explain to Katie and Jack that we were no longer able to afford life’s necessities – like the new Bratz DVD or Spiderman underwear. Feel very resentful towards Joe that his selfishness will result in the children missing out on the material goods they patently need to compete with their peers. Katie will be a laughing-stock if she doesn’t get heelie trainers soon – and they cost a hundred euro. Which means selling a lot of tarte Tatins.

  PS Jack wedged his red Power Ranger in the toilet again tonight. It overflowed all over the landing but Joe refused to look because he’d hit a critical moment in crème brûlée making. Not sure how much more of this I can take.

  5 April: Easter Sunday

  Have a head cold. Spent the day lying in bed, eating Easter eggs and pondering the twists and turns of my life. Decided I have enough material to make a for-TV movie or, at the very least, a true-life-story mini-series. Wonder if Reese Witherspoon would consider playing me. Spent the afternoon catching up on the Sunday papers and read that Trinny and Susannah are now doing on-line makeovers. Decided to write to them to applaud their efforts to help the ordinary woman on the street.

  Dear Trinny and Susannah,

  I am writing to express my delight that you are now doing on-line consultations for no-hopers with zero fashion sense. It is really commendable that you are getting back to your roots and trying to transform harassed and dowdy women. That recent show was not your best idea. Putting naked couples behind a screen and asking them to review each other’s best bits was always asking for disaster. If my husband told me I had lovely elbows because he couldn’t think of any other body part he found remotely attractive I would whack him across the head. Telling someone their elbows are attractive is patently a nice way of saying that their arse is the size of a bus. Also, I did feel for you when that guy got a massive erection behind the screen and you had to avert your eyes. Some men have no sense of occasion. Anyway, congratulations again on the new venture.

  Yours,

  Susie Hunt

  PS Please feel free to send vouchers as a token of your appreciation.

  6 April: Easter Monday

  Mrs H called round with extra Easter eggs for Katie and Jack. She was delighted to find me snuffling into my unironed sheets. ‘Susie, I’m glad you’re here,’ she said. ‘I’ve something to tell you.’ She smoothed the duvet cover and perched on the edge of the bed.

  ‘Have you?’ I said, not really caring.

  ‘Yes, and you mustn’t be shocked. Brace yourself, dear.’ She paused dramatically. ‘I’ve decided to join a support group for the parents of homosexuals.’

  ‘OK,’ I said, wondering if I could convince her to do a bit of ironing now she was here.

  ‘Yes. Apparently David’s sexuality doesn’t reflect on me or my parenting skills. It’s just one of those things and should be embraced, not mocked or feared.’

  ‘That’s nice,’ I croaked.

  ‘You’re not disappointed?’

  ‘Why would I be?’

  ‘Well, I know you felt you could turn David straight, dear, but apparently that’s a very old-fashioned idea. And you haven’t made very much progress, have you, pet?’ She patted my hand, as if I was a child and she was trying to explain the facts of life as delicately as she could. ‘Anyway, I’ve decided I’m not the type of woman to let life trample her underfoot so I’m going to take charge and try to understand David’s lifestyle choices. Rumour has it that Nuala Connor’s young fella is bisexual – so my David’s no news at all, really.’

  ‘Great,’ I said, wondering how I could get her to leave if she wasn’t going to make herself useful.

  ‘Would you not change the sheets, Susie dear?’ she asked suddenly, wrinkling her nose. ‘How can you expect Joe to be turned on by you when everything’s such a mess? It’s not gay he is, it’s repulsed.’

  7 April

  Mum and Dad have announced they’re coming home for a week’s flying visit. ‘We haven’t seen the children in so long, darling,’ Mum said, when she called. ‘Dad booked the flights on the Internet last night. Isn’t it fabulous? We can all spend a cosy few days together.’

  Am dreading it. Have not yet confided in Mum that Joe has had a funny turn and is no longer supporting us. Hope I can carry off impression of happy home so they don’t suspect anything. They’re bound to notice all the home baking now readily available in the house – and they know cooking isn’t my strong point.

  PS Smell on the landing from toilet overflowing is unbearable. Spent ages on my hands and knees trying to dry the wet patches with the travel hairdryer. Absolutely pointless. Not talking to Joe. He starts his ridiculous full-time cookery course tomorrow but I’m determined to ignore the entire stupid charade.

  8 April

  Joe set off this morning, looking happier than I’ve seen him in years. Have to admit that the chef’s hat is very cute and the way his hair flops out underneath is adorable. Didn’t say that to him obviously. He must be discouraged from pursuing this ridiculous dream at all costs. Didn’t wave him off at the door either, but could hear Danni saying encouraging things in broken English as he left.

  Day got even worse when Louise called me at work to say she had won some utterly pointless poll: Yummiest Corporate Mummy of the Year.

  ‘Who nominated you?’ I asked, feeling too sick to finish my second sausage roll at my desk.

  ‘I nominated myself, of course,’ she crowed. ‘It’s a brilliant advertising ploy for my new business. They’ll be doing a full-page spread on Dargan and me in the Gazette in a couple of days. It’s the perfect launch-pad.’

  Cannot help but wonder if Louise and I have one of those toxic relationships that Oprah’s always talking about. She seems to feed off my insecurities, while I’m nothing but supportive of her goals and ambitions. And she seems to want to do better than me all the time. It can’t be a coincidence that I’m finally succeeding at a career I enjoy (sort of) and she suddenly has this great idea for a new business. It’s a bit too convenient for my liking.

  PS Joe came home delighted with himself. He was also wearing a striped apron with ‘Born to Cook’ emblazoned across the front. Completely ignored him.

  PPS Have worked out that my monthly salary is enough to pay for approximately one-fifth of our outgoings. Am hoping I’ve made some serious mathematical error – Joe’s all-singing all-dancing monster calculator is very complicated to use.

  9 April

  Danni is urging Joe on in his outlandish endeavours to be a top-rate chef. ‘This pain au chocolat ees wonderful, Joe!’ she enthused, when he brought home his latest offering from cookery school. ‘Try some, Susie.’ She offered the buttery (and fairly delicious-looking) pain to me.

  ‘No, thanks,’ I snarled, frowning to make her understand that Joe must be stopped.

  ‘But, Susie, Joe has the gift!’ She threw up her hands and waved them about passionately. ‘He ees a maestro, a talent!’

  Then Joe blushed and I felt wretched for my deceit. If he wasn’t so distracted by the cooking, he’d have been on to me weeks ago. This is the first time in years that he hasn’t balanced the cheque book on a weekly basis. As it is, he has no idea how dangerously low our bank balance is.

  The only consolation is that I got two numbers in the midweek lotto. Must be sure to invest heavily in tickets in case my lucky streak is round the corner.

  10 April

  Louise and Dargan are splashed all over the Lifestyle section of the Gazette. Suspect she practised her photo pose beforehand – she looks just like Paris Hilton in her teeny
top and Seven jeans, Dargan dangling off her hip with a grin on his face. The by-line read – ‘Yummiest Corporate Mummy of the Year’ and the article explained how Louise is set to transform maternity and breastfeeding clothes in the greater Western world. ‘Women shouldn’t have to look and feel unattractive because they’re pregnant or breastfeeding,’ she simpered, in the text. ‘My new range will be stylish and affordable so now everyone can be a yummy mummy and do the best for their baby as well!’

  Then she called to tell me that the Gazette is going to pay her extortionate amounts of money to write a yummy-mummy column for them. Tried a few deep, cleansing breaths to quell the strange jealousy that bubbled up within me, but they were useless. Maybe, like Oprah, you have to be a multi-millionaire with your own private jet for them to be effective. Ate a full packet of Jaffa Cakes after I’d hung up. Suspect my sugar levels may have dropped due to my mystery illness. Or else I’m clinically depressed about VBF’s new stardom.

  PS Lots of bills arrived in the post today. Threw them behind the bread bin until I can figure out how we’re going to pay for electricity or to have the rubbish collected. Am regretting not getting a compost bin now. It would have come in handy to destroy all the evidence in an ecologically friendly way.

  11 April

  Mrs H has morphed into someone unrecognizable. She arrived today wearing a T-shirt that said ‘Proud Gay Momma’. She has also started carrying bottles of spring water everywhere and is wearing a fanny-belt stuffed with Gay Pride literature.

  ‘Why are you wearing that T-shirt, Granny?’ Katie asked, fingering it in awe.

  ‘It’s important to stand up for your rights, dear, remember that,’ Mrs H said.

  ‘OK,’ Katie said doubtfully. ‘But can you get me a T-shirt too?’

  David called. ‘I think Mum’s gone a bit mad,’ he said.

  ‘Why’s that?’ I asked, wondering if the time was right to ask if Joe and I could take a little mini-break to London soon.

  ‘She keeps calling to pledge support,’ he said. ‘If I have to listen to one more rant about the Church and its hypocrisy, I’ll go ex-directory.’

  ‘She’s only trying to be supportive,’ I told him. ‘She feels really guilty about the way she acted at Christmas.’

  ‘Well, I nearly prefer that to this,’ he grumbled. ‘All this support’s freaking me out. I can handle her better when she’s being difficult and judgemental. At least then I know what to expect.’

  12 April

  Louise’s first column ran in the Gazette today. Her picture was nearly half the page and the by-line read, ‘Is this the Yummiest Mummy in Ireland?’ The article went on to explain how to look glamorous and well-groomed, even with a newborn.

  She’d want to be careful – looking lean and sexy like she does so soon after Dargan’s birth might impact negatively on her commercial success. May mention that to her next time we speak.

  PS Wonder if we could get solar panels installed – they’d probably cut our energy bills, which, worryingly, seem to be arriving every five minutes.

  13 April

  Spent day coaching the kids about what to say to Mum and Dad when they’re here to stay. Under no circumstances are they to find out about our current position of instability and discord. I made a grand list of topics to be avoided at all costs and pinned it to the noticeboard. (Would probably have been more effective if Katie and Jack could read, but I think they got the general idea.)

  Topics To Be Avoided At All Costs

  Joe’s current obsession with rolling handmade tagliatelle

  Joe’s endless attempts to make the perfect crème brûlée

  Joe’s creepy obsession with celebrity chef Heston Blumenthal

  In fact, anything to do with Joe’s ridiculous idea to abandon a high-flying career on a whim to follow his dreams in a stupid attempt to find meaning in his life.

  Am not sure it will work. Joe is refusing to co-operate. ‘I think we should tell them, Susie,’ he said. ‘I have nothing to be ashamed of – cooking is a noble profession.’

  Didn’t tell him that it may be a noble profession if you’re a cultural phenomenon and doing ads for Sainsbury’s, but it’s a stupid profession if you’re an amateur in a Dublin suburb who has thrown away a perfectly acceptable job because of a mid-life crisis.

  PS Hid the new kitchen utensils in the garage. Mum and Dad will never believe they belong to me.

  PPS Am also hoping they won’t notice the boxes of home-baked goodies lying about the place. To distract them, have decided to encourage them to undergo an intensive detox programme while they’re here. If they insist on eating, we’ll go to McDonald’s. Am sure this will be a treat for them – they must be sick of fresh fish by now.

  14 April

  Collected Mum and Dad from the airport. Almost didn’t recognize them now they’re the colour of mahogany. Also, Dad was wearing a ridiculously oversized pair of sunglasses and an inappropriate pair of ultra-short shorts. They spent the entire journey to the house marvelling at the motorway and pointing out new high-rise developments.

  ‘Honestly,’ I snapped, ‘you’re acting like you haven’t been here in years. Things can’t have changed that much in a few months.’

  ‘You’re very edgy, darling,’ Mum said, eyeing me in the rear-view mirror. ‘Is everything OK?’

  ‘Of course it is,’ I said, raging that I’d let the happy mask slip so soon. ‘Did you see the new thirty-storey high-rise over there?’

  ‘She’s cross because Daddy cooks too much,’ Katie piped up.

  ‘Joe’s cooking?’ Mum asked, raising an eyebrow. ‘Since when?’

  ‘He never stops,’ Katie said, as I gripped the steering-wheel and tried to look unconcerned. ‘Mummy says she’ll put him in the oven soon.’

  NB Must remember to curb my little witticisms when Katie’s in earshot.

  15 April

  Mum is watching me like a hawk and keeps making me mugs of herbal tea for my nerves. Even worse, she’s determined to find out if Lone Father has tried to contact me recently and renew our passionate flirtation of last year.

  ‘I’m fine, Mum,’ I complained, when she plonked another mug in front of me as I tried to watch Desperate Housewives in peace. ‘And I haven’t heard from Paul in months, honestly.’

  ‘I’m not too sure about that, Susie,’ she said, in a low voice. ‘I’ve seen you like this before – when you took that funny turn last year. You’re very pale. Do you want to practise some deep breathing with me?’

  ‘Not really,’ I said, wondering if I could nip outside to sneak a packet of cheese and onion. ‘Things are fine. I’m just busy with work, that’s all.’

  ‘Ah, yes.’ She nodded wisely. ‘Trying to have it all can backfire in mysterious ways. No one is Superwoman, Susie.’

  At least Dad’s keeping off my case – he seems to be enjoying spending time with the children. Apparently he took them to the park today with Danni when I was at work.

  PS Fear I may be secretly heartbroken that Lone Father wiped me out of his life without a backward glance. Quite like the idea of him pining in a lovesick way for me.

  16 April

  Dad has taken an unlikely shine to Danni. Came home to find them sharing a bottle of Chianti at the kitchen table while Mum practised chanting in the front room with the children.

  ‘What’s going on, Mum?’ I asked, dumping my bag on the ground and hoping someone had cooked something decent for dinner.

  ‘Your dad’s bonding with Danni,’ she answered. ‘He thinks she’s got a very wise old soul and may have been here before.’

  ‘Really?’ I said, craning my head round the door and watching Danni flick her hair about as Dad refilled her glass. ‘How old can it be? She’s only twenty-three.’

  ‘Old souls can live in the youngest of bodies,’ Mum said.

  Couldn’t be certain but am not sure Mum sounded too thrilled by this.

  PS Joe is still smiling incessantly. Tried to instigate depressing conversat
ion about global warming this evening but he wouldn’t take the bait. Nothing and no one can bring him down.

  17 April

  Work was a complete nightmare today. Viewers’ letters are coming thick and fast. Am not sure why ordinary people become so involved in celebs’ lives – it really is quite sad. There are so many that I don’t know where to begin.

  Elaine is still refusing to help. ‘All those crazies give me the willies,’ she said, filing her nails when I asked her opinion. ‘Anyway, you need to be on their level to be able to sympathize.’ She glared at me pointedly.

  Dragged myself home to discover that Danni and Dad are now bosom buddies. Found them in the living room discussing old Italian movies. They were so engrossed that neither had noticed Jack had lassoed Katie and was leading her around on all fours.

  Found Mum in the kitchen, preparing vegetables to dip in hummus. Asked her if she didn’t mind that Dad seemed so taken with Danni.

  ‘Don’t be silly, darling,’ she said, in an odd voice. ‘Of course I don’t mind. I’m not possessive or jealous. It’s nice for your dad to have a new friend.’

  Then she continued to chop carrots aggressively, slicing them right down the middle.

  18 April

  Mum is refusing to come out of her room. Dad says he isn’t talking to her until she apologizes for telling Danni that losing some weight would do wonders for her cholesterol levels. Luckily, Danni doesn’t seem to mind the drama. In fact, she has perked up considerably – probably her Italian upbringing: she has obviously found things dull till now and would probably love it if we started flinging some crockery around passionately.