Confessions of a Demented Housewife
Page 28
we can employ a gardener and a live-in butler;
we can get a Jamie Oliver outdoor stove and matching BBQ set for impromptu al fresco dining;
we can buy a Range Rover Sport and become part of the horsy set.
Feel very smug that we are leaving city life behind. Soon I will be growing my own organic vegetables and strangling my own chickens for Sunday dinner. In fact, I will be just like Felicity Kendal in The Good Life – even if my bottom is nowhere near as perky.
One month later
Angelica has got her new Jerry Springer-type show. She says she owes it all to me – apparently her efforts to break up the Italian fight in our front garden clinched it for her.
Danni has gone back to Italy. Turns out the Mafia heir her father wanted her to marry is very cute, so she is reconsidering her options.
Mrs H has snagged a high-profile position with the Gay Alliance. She did a tell-all interview with Dee and Fran describing how David’s homosexuality had been the making of her. Apparently they wanted her to be their new roving lifestyle reporter but she turned them down. She prefers to keep her weekends free to visit Danni’s father in Italy.
Louise’s new business venture is going from strength to strength. She got even more publicity when Dargan won the Bonniest Baby in Dublin competition – although I strongly suspect it was rigged.
Elaine was fired after the libellous remarks she made about Dee and Fran on her Bebo page became an Internet sensation.
Eco-mother appeared in court on charges of shop-lifting Starburst sweets from Tesco. She claims a voice told her to slip them into her recycled backpack.
David and Max broke up. David says he can no longer tolerate Max mocking his West End obsession.
Lone Father’s book was pulled from the shelves and pulped. Lone Father is in hiding. His lover/muse Marita has received a six-figure advance to write a memoir of their rocky affair.
We are moving to the country next week and are set to live a blissful, carefree rural existence on a permanent basis. The bonus is that Joe can set up his business with the cheque for the tell-all interview that finally arrived so we don’t have to sell the Dublin house any more. All I have to do is convince Katie and Jack that the country isn’t a hell-hole for losers and life really will be perfect.
Acknowledgements
Thank you to:
My wonderful editor Patricia Deevy and everyone at Penguin Ireland – especially Michael McLoughlin, Cliona Lewis, Brian Walker and Patricia McVeigh – for all the handholding, brow-mopping and non-stop hard work that goes on behind the scenes. I feel truly lucky to have you all on my side!
Tom Weldon, Naomi Fidler, Ana-Maria Rivera, Tom Chicken, Keith Taylor and all the fantastic sales, marketing, publicity, editorial and creative teams at Penguin UK. Hazel Orme for her copyediting and words of wisdom.
My agent Simon Trewin and his right-hand woman Ariella Feiner – who know just when to send M&Ms and flowers!
All the booksellers who supported my first novel and gave me such a lovely welcome into the publishing world – it has been a real pleasure getting to meet so many of you.
My friends – strong, funny, and always there for me. You know who you are!
Mam and Dad, who give me so much help and encouragement every day. And Martina and Eoghan, my own personal PR SWAT teams!
Darling Caoimhe and Rory, who are so patient when I have to travel and don’t complain (much!) when I lock myself away to write – you mean everything to me. And most of all, Oliver: none of it would happen without you – you’re the best!
Finally, a huge thank you to all my readers. I hope you enjoy this book and that it makes you smile.