A State of Jane

by Schorr, Meredith

  Marissa frowned, her naturally full lips protruding in a pout which could rival Lisa Rinna. “Way to be supportive, Jane. Just because you had bad luck doesn't mean they're all flakes. You never even went on a date with anyone from online!”

  Noting the defensive tone in her voice, I bent down next to her and said, “Sorry, Marissa. Don't mean to be negative. You know me — Miss Positive. Just keep your expectations in check”

  “That's funny coming from you!” Marissa said.

  Holding the cashmere sweater against my chest, I cocked my head to the side. “What do you mean?”

  “You were so positive you'd find another boyfriend immediately. I told you to proceed with caution and you laughed.” Pointing at the pile of clothes on my floor, she said, “And here you are. Still single and picking out outfits for first dates. Just like me. I told you it was hard.”

  I rubbed my chin, contemplating. “Yes, you did. But then again, I had a really good boyfriend who placed the bar very high. You had crappy Dovid who didn't.”

  Jerking her head back, Marissa said, “I'm not sure what that has to do with anything, Jane. I deserve to fall in love just as much as you do!”

  “Of course you do! I just meant that Dovid wasn't exactly a shining example of how a girl should be treated, and Bob was. I was not expecting to meet one jerk after another when my only experience before him was so great.”

  Marissa looked at me with her forehead scrunched, but didn't say anything.

  “I didn't mean that to come out bad, Marissa. Really! Now are you sure this outfit is good for tomorrow?”

  Marissa finally smiled. “I'm sure. Good luck and I can't wait to hear all about it on Friday.”

  After Marissa left, I tried to come up with reasons Andrew might not like me. She was right. Over-confidence was dangerous. It would be really embarrassing if he said he thought of me like a sister. Since he had coined the phrase, “nail ‘em and leave ‘em,” maybe he'd say he wasn't looking for anything serious. Although I concluded that it was entirely possible the night wouldn't go as planned, I decided I had to try — nothing ventured, nothing gained. Even after imagining the worst-case scenario, I felt strongly that this time the following night, Andrew and I would be more than friends. And I'd never have to swim in the online dating pool again.

  CHAPTER 33

  The next morning, I dropped my jacket and pocketbook in my office and, like every other morning, went to the pantry to get a cup of coffee.

  Standing in the hallway outside of the pantry were Andrew and one of the associates. My heart skipped a beat, but I said, “Hi” as nonchalantly as possible.

  The associate nodded his hello and Andrew said, “We're having drinks tonight, right?”

  I smiled and said, “Yup!”

  Andrew said, “Cool” and turned back towards the associate.

  Excited that we were going out as planned and relieved that he raised the subject before me, I made my coffee. As I walked out of the pantry, I glanced at Andrew and the associate. They were deep in conversation and didn't notice me. Since I knew I'd have his undivided attention later, I walked back to our office alone.

  * * *

  I tried to cite check cases but kept losing track of what side the cases were supposed to support. So I gave up and organized some documents in chronological order. It was a good time sucker. I was painfully aware of Andrew's every move, from his hands shuffling through papers to his occasional cough to the sounds of him chuckling on the phone. Finally, I couldn't take it any longer. Speaking over the beat of my heart slamming against my chest, I said, “So, where should we go tonight?” My eyes remained focused on my computer monitor so Andrew wouldn't think I cared all that much. I'd confess my feelings soon enough. For now, I wanted to play it cool.

  “How ‘bout a glass of wine at Hillstone?”

  I was certain he'd suggest someplace fun and laid-back like Redemption or Opal or maybe something more intimate like Vero. The generic Hillstone right around the corner never even crossed my mind. And I hoped he wasn't being literal when he said “a glass” of wine. As in one. That didn't sound like the Andrew I knew. “OK. Sounds good.”

  “Six-thirty?”

  “OK.” I glanced at the time on my phone. Only six hours to go.

  At 5:45, I officially gave up working and went to the bathroom to pretty myself up. I decided early preparation would be less obvious than waiting until right before we were leaving and returning to the office with more volume in my hair and my make-up a little brighter. Especially since I'd never put much effort into looking good in Andrew's presence before.

  Our office was empty when I got back and so, while I waited for 6:30 to arrive, I checked my Gmail account. Among the email from eHarmony offering me a free communication weekend and a reminder from Meetup about a singles wine tasting event, was an annoying chain letter from Marissa containing a Japanese proverb and instructions to forward along to at least five people to ensure good luck in my future. Normally, I would have rolled my eyes and immediately deleted the email, but instead I sent it along to Claire, Lainie, Kevin and my parents, adding in the text, “Sorry to be annoying, but I need all the luck I can get tonight!”

  I hoped my good luck would start immediately and after my night with Andrew, I would never have to read emails from online dating sites again. As I contemplated what to do with the remaining fifteen minutes, Andrew returned to the office, stood in front of my desk, and said, “Any chance you can get out of here now?”

  I said, “Absolutely” while simultaneously closing out all of the windows on my computer.

  As soon as I stood up, my work phone rang. Since we had caller I. D. at work, I knew it was Claire. I cursed her bad timing and debated letting it go into voicemail before picking it up. “Hey. I was just on my way out. Can we talk tomorrow?”

  Excitedly, she said, “I just thought you might want to know the sex of the first person who will ever call you ‘Aunt Jane.’”

  I raised my hand to alert Andrew that I'd just be a minute. “Oh My God. What is it? Girl, right? No, boy? Girl? What?”

  Laughing, Claire said, “You're going to have a nephew!”

  “A nephew.” I said it slowly, letting the words sink in. My sister was going to have a son and I was going to be his aunt. He wasn't even born yet and didn't have a name, but I already loved him. “I'm gonna have a nephew. Yay! Congrats big sis!”

  “Thanks, little sister. Want to come over and discuss names?”

  I looked over at Andrew sitting at his desk talking on his cell phone. “I wish I could, Claire, but I made plans already. Can I have a rain check?” I hoped she wouldn't mind. If she ever wanted to be an aunt herself, her sister needed to find a husband first. My date with Andrew was a step in the right direction.

  “That's OK. Disappointed, but we'll do it another time.”

  “I promise. Until then, don't decide on a name!”

  “I make no assurances. By the way, I have something of yours we need to discuss.”

  “OK. I'll call you tomorrow. Love you!”

  “Love you too.”

  After we hung up, I said to Andrew, “Ready when you are!”

  Andrew grabbed his black messenger bag and walked to the door. He stepped to the side, waved his hand in the direction of the hallway, and said, “Ladies first.”

  I took a few steps out the door, stopped, and turned around to let him catch up. Smiling, I said, “And they say chivalry is dead.”

  Andrew winked and said, “Not when I'm around, it's not.”

  On our way to the elevator, Andrew said, “So you're gonna have a nephew?”

  “You heard, huh?”

  “Sure did. Congrats, Aunt Jane.”

  Andrew stopped walking so I stopped walking too. “What?”

  “If you'd rather hang out with the mom-to-be, we can get a drink another time.”

  My heart beat rapidly. Was he trying to blow me off? “That's OK. I'm sure she's busy making calls to everyone and sh
aring the good news.”

  Andrew nodded. “OK. Just didn't want to get in the way of sisterly bonding.”

  “Not a chance!”

  A few minutes later, we walked through the revolving doors of Hillstone and Andrew pointed toward the couches in the back. Walking ahead of me to an empty one, he said, “No room at the bar, but this works, right?”

  I sunk my body into the black leather seat cushion and said, “Perfect.”

  Motioning to the bar, he said, “What are you drinking?”

  “Reisling if they have it. Otherwise, Pinot Grigio.” I started to get up. “But I'll go. It's on me, remember?”

  Andrew shook his head. “I got it.”

  Feeling like we were on a real date, I nodded and gave him a soft smile. “Thanks, Andrew.”

  I watched him walk to the crowded circular bar and patiently wait to get the pretty blonde bartender's attention. At one point, he turned around and shrugged. I shrugged back and mouthed, “No worries.” Jittery, I fought my practiced habit of placing strands of hair behind my right ear, removing the hair a second later and repeating the process.

  At last, Andrew returned to our spot and placed our drinks on the table. He sat next to me on the couch and said, “Finally.”

  Sitting side by side that way made it impossible to talk to him comfortably unless I turned my head 45 degrees. So I angled my body so my knees were level with his thighs. I raised my glass. “Thanks, Andrew.”

  Clinking his glass of red lightly against my glass of white, he said, “Cheers, Jane.”

  “What kind of wine is that?”

  Andrew swirled his glass and brought it to his nose. “Argentine Malbec. Nice blackberry finish.”

  “Wow, you're a wine connoisseur, huh?”

  Andrew took a hearty swig from his glass. “Nope. I'm full of shit. Just trying to impress you.” He winked.

  I blushed. “Mission accomplished.”

  “So how are your cases? I haven't noticed you working crazy hours lately.”

  “I know. I'm torn between enjoying the stress-free environment and missing the overtime pay. How about you?”

  “I billed almost 300 hours last month.” Andrew grinned. “So, not that busy by the firm's standards!”

  “Yikes.”

  “But let's not talk about work!”

  “You brought it up!” I took a sip of my drink and felt the sweet liquid slide down my throat and start to warm my insides. I slid slightly closer to Andrew so my knees were almost touching his thighs. “What should we talk about then?”

  Andrew appeared to contemplate. “How's your love life?”

  I giggled. “Seriously?”

  Andrew nodded.

  After another sip of wine, my hands shaking slightly, I returned the glass to the table. “Well, considering you just talked me out of joining a convent on Monday, I can say with absolute certainty that my love life is not very exciting. Currently.”

  Andrew, wearing a closed-mouth smile, nodded again but didn't say anything.

  I took another sip of wine and a deep inhale. I exhaled and with a controlled voice, asked, “What about you?”

  Andrew quickly replied, “Good, actually.”

  I felt my pulse quicken and my mouth go dry. “Cool.” I slid my butt a little further away from him and took a sip of my drink. “I had no idea.”

  “We just met actually. But I've seen her every night since Tuesday.”

  “This past Tuesday?”

  Beaming, Andrew nodded. “I know, but it hit us both like a boulder and got serious really fast.”

  Where had I heard that before? Glad for the crutch, I firmly held my glass and took another sip. “How did you meet her?”

  “She's the vendor for that new document retrieval company.”

  I put the glass back down. “The one you had the long lunch with on Tuesday?”

  “Yup.” Andrew paused and said, “And dinner. And breakfast, lunch, and dinner on Wednesday.”

  Still in a semi-state of shock, I forced out, “I'm happy for you.”

  “Thanks. Strange thing is, I wasn't looking for a girlfriend but I met her and said ‘yowza.’ I think you just know when it's right.”

  Feeling deflated, I said, “I guess” and looked down at my drink. I only had about a quarter left in the glass.

  “Your time will come too, Jane. You just have to stop putting so much pressure on yourself.”

  Trying not to look at him, I said, “Easier said than done.”

  “Timing is everything,” he said matter-of-factly.

  Although my gaze was downward, with my peripheral vision, I saw him looking at me. I faked a smile and said, “My timing sucks.” Evidently by a measly two days.

  “It will happen when it's supposed to happen.” Andrew took the last sip of his drink. “My advice?”

  “What?”

  “Let things come to you. Trying to control who, what, where just doesn't work.”

  “You're right.” I finished my drink and raised my empty glass. “Care to share more wisdom over a second glass? This round on me.” His relationship, if you could even call it that, was barely a fetus. Surely I could distract him for one night. Maybe he'd change his mind about his girlfriend of the week.

  Andrew stood up and stretched. “Thanks, but I should really get going.”

  “Really? We've only had one. Why? Is your girlfriend waiting for you at home?”

  When Andrew raised an eyebrow, I realized I sounded bitter. Grinning, I said, “‘Just kidding!” and pretended to adjust the back of my earring. I stood up, turned away from him and fidgeted with my coat until I was ready to face him again. Then I turned around and cheerily said, “OK! Ready when you are, my friend!”

  Andrew smiled and stepped aside to let me pass him. “After you.”

  Feeling nauseous, I walked past him and said, “Chivalry is still not dead.” But I wish I was.

  Standing outside of the restaurant, I felt like I was at the end of a really bad blind date. At a loss for more interesting parting words, I said, “How are getting home?” I prayed he wasn't taking the 6.

  Andrew yawned and raised his arms over his head. Stretching from side to side as if part of the cool-down in an exercise class, he said, “I'm actually gonna grab a cab and head downtown to Farah's place.”

  I didn't ask him to confirm that Farah was his newly discovered soul mate.

  “We're going to order in Chinese,” he said.

  “Sounds fun.” I took notice of the mass of people walking past us in opposite directions on Lexington Avenue and felt my vision slightly blur. “OK. I'm gonna jump on the subway. Thanks for the drink, Andrew.” The ground beneath my feet felt unstable so I said “Bye!” and ran down the subway stairs, praying I wouldn't fall and that a train would come quickly. I heard Andrew call out, “See you tomorrow” but didn't stop to turn around.

  As I walked towards the turnstile, I heard the recorded announcement, “The next stop is 68th Street,” and the sound of the subway doors close. I muttered, “Shit,” and tried to hold back my tears. The bench on the platform was dirty but since I was afraid my legs wouldn't hold out, I sat down and placed my head between my legs, willing another train to come soon. It did and moments later, I exited on 77th and Lexington and walked north toward my apartment.

  I stopped at The Food Emporium and picked up dough, cheese and fresh vegetables to make homemade pizza. I wasn't hungry, but if I had any intention of falling asleep that night, I needed to do something to calm my nerves.

  CHAPTER 34

  Thankful that Lainie was spending almost every night at Antoine's apartment, I dropped my grocery bags in the kitchen and began removing my clothes before I even got to my bedroom. I kicked my shoes into the closet, threw my sweater and pants in a ball on my floor, and tossed my bra across my desk chair. In just my Hanky Panky leopard print thong, I went to the bathroom and washed my face. Back in my room, I removed my brush and phone from my bag, placed the brush next to my vanity a
nd checked my phone for messages. I had one voicemail. I sat on my bed with my feet dangling over the edge and listened to the message. My dad. His voice made my heart ache. At least he loved me. I wiped tears away from the corners of my eyes. He wanted to wish me good luck on the LSAT on Saturday just in case forwarding the Japanese proverb wasn't enough. I laughed. I had forgotten about the LSAT.

  As my heart beat faster, I could feel the color drain from my face and a bead of sweat form under each of my armpits. I had forgotten about the LSAT!

  I had forgotten to sign up for the LSAT. The LSAT being held in two days. And the LSAT I had barely studied for since the one year anniversary of my break-up with Bob and my disastrous reentry into the dating world.

  My future as a partner in my father's law firm (or even an attorney for Legal Aid) was looking as bleak as my love life.

  Too exhausted to cry, but too distraught to sleep, I went into the kitchen and made pizza.

  I woke up the next morning at 7:36 despite not having set the alarm the night before. I pressed snooze twice before turning the alarm off and leaving a message with the head paralegal that I was not feeling well and calling out sick. I knew I had taken quite a few sick days in the past few months, but figured I had enough goodwill in the bank after a year of almost perfect attendance aside from vacation days. I went back to bed until 3:00 when my cell phone rang. Marissa. I let it go to voicemail, turned over on my stomach and fell back asleep until my phone rang again. Marissa again. I reluctantly grabbed the phone from my nightstand

  “Can we talk later, Ris? I'm really not up for a conversation right now.”

  “What's wrong? Are you OK? I tried you at work and the receptionist said you were out sick.”

  I buried my head under the pillow and mumbled into the phone, “Yes, sick. Sick and tired.”

  “What happened? Did you and Andrew get drunk last night?”

  “Ha!”

  “Huh?”

  “No, we didn't get drunk last night.” I sighed loudly and came out from under the pillow.

  “Well, you can tell me all about it tonight.”