Fierce Pajamas: An Anthology of Humor Writing from The New Yorker

by Finder, Henry

  For other excellent recipes involving American canned goods, my 64-page leaflet is available upon request. But I am not trying to sell the leaflet, only to stress an appropriate respect and love for the American canned good, which is not, and never will be, Japanese.

  1987

  BRUCE MCCALL

  READ THIS FIRST

  CONGRATULATIONS, but WARNING: Driving your new car may cause car sickness. NOTE: While using this manual, make sure your reading area is well ventilated and free of Ebola viruses. To avoid eyestrain, use both eyes. CAUTION: Do not attempt to read the manual backward or underwater. If you are underwater, unlock all doors (A) and the glove box (B), using square-headed key (F).

  Open doors may cause aerodynamic drag. To close door, swing door (A) toward the car body (B), using the handle (C), until the latch (D) engages. Do NOT attempt to force beyond this point. This could tip the car over on its side and interfere with a smooth, safe journey.

  WARNING: You are a flammable substance. Always check before shifting out of P that you are not on fire. If your skin is blistering and you detect a barbecue-like aroma, you are on fire. A burning driver can cause serious damage to the car’s upholstery. Repairs should be made only by an authorized dealer, using genuine original replacement parts. Failure to do so can void your warranty.

  Your turn signal is a precision driving instrument. Do not attempt to use the left or right signal’s one-two beat as a metronome during in-car sing-alongs. This can induce hypnotic trances and loss of control, with possible damage to the car’s paint finish. WARNING: Locust plagues cause only superficial paint damage. Never attempt to erase blemishes with a rat-tail file. Use only recommended locust plague removers. See your authorized dealer’s wide selection.

  If you hear a steady humming noise during driving, do NOT attempt to dismantle your car while it is running. This can lead to loss of windshield-washer fluid. Check your radio or other occupants for humming sounds. If humming noise persists, drive until the fuel gauge reads “Empty,” at which point humming should stop. WARNING: When refilling fuel tank, uncap slowly, as shown in diagrams 1–2–3–4–5–6, on a well-ventilated prairie. Never uncap fuel filler port in close proximity to a Chinese New Year celebration.

  WARNING: The driver’s sun visor (A) can create visual “blind spots” that cause fatal head-on collisions. If you are about to have a fatal head-on collision, leave current registration and insurance documents in the glove box (B). SAFETY NOTE: Never leave valuables in an unlocked glove box. The same key (C) that unlocks your trunk (D) unlocks your glove box and the right-rear passenger door. The Valet Key (E) unlocks the driver’s-side door only when ALL other doors, the fuel filler port, and the trunk are locked. The ignition key (F) also unlocks all doors, the fuel filler port (G), and the trunk (H). Never give the ignition key to a stranger (I). If all keys are used simultaneously, the Gard-a-Larm (J) will sound until the Valet Key is inserted in the trunk lock (K) and turned counterclockwise, as in diagrams 9–10. Turn clockwise to rearm.

  WARNING: Your car’s “package” or “hat” shelf (A) is not a shelf. Packages and hats should NEVER be placed there. For package-shelf instructions, consult the Package Shelf or Emergency sections of this manual or make an appointment with the service manager at your authorized dealer.

  WARNING: Attempting to drive your car with a pedestrian underneath can cause uneven tire wear, front-end misalignment, binding of the steering gear, and damage to the catalytic converter in your exhaust system, creating an environmental threat that may increase the danger of global warming. Never leave your car’s engine running in the Amazon rain forest. MAINTENANCE TIP: If Amazon damages seat upholstery, wipe clean with a sponge or cloth soaked in tepid water. WARNING: Use only genuine, factory-direct tepid water. See your authorized dealer.

  While your car has been carefully engineered for years of enjoyable motoring, high-speed driving maneuvers during a heart attack, stroke, or machine-gun fusillade should be attempted only by trained professionals on a specially prepared closed course. If you are about to be incapacitated by events beyond your control, keep both hands on the wheel, turn the radio, tape deck, or CD player to OFF, deactivate Cruise Control, reduce speed, activate your turn signal, drive onto a level area away from traffic, bring your car to a gradual stop, stow all beverages and return cup holders to the stored position, put the parking brake in the ON position, shift to P, turn the ignition to OFF, unlock all doors, switch your emergency flasher to ON, and consult the Emergency section of this manual. IMPORTANT: Do NOT unbuckle your seat belt. It is the most critical element of your car’s Supplemental Restraint System and has been shown to save lives in certain instances. Remember: Give your loved ones a good belt!

  1997

  NANCY FRANKLIN

  TAKE IT FROM ME

  WHILE the rest of you loudly and meaninglessly celebrate the New Year—I’m not judging, I’m just making an observation—I prefer to reflect quietly on the lessons I’ve learned or partially absorbed or once thought I heard someone talking about as I was going down the street trying to get to the hardware store before it closed. Though we all know that the words we shout into the wind are like footprints in the sand, that does not stop us from going to the beach, even during peak burning hours; and though our chances of making a lasting impression on the world are like the chances of finding enough snow to make a snowball on a hot day, that does not prevent us from sometimes feeling chilly even when we are wearing a sweater. In this spirit, whatever it is, I would like to share some of the accumulated wisdom of my years, which, like the result of the woolgatherer’s efforts, has become a big ball of wool. It may be too late for me—I’m not saying it is and I’m not saying it isn’t—but if I can help just one person, even if it’s someone I really don’t like or am not speaking to or have sued, then I will not have lived in vain. Now let’s move on—I have to be somewhere in a half hour.

  So what are we talking about here? Practical stuff. For example, don’t wait until you’re forty to have nude pictures taken of yourself. If you plan to be famous, or even if you don’t, make sure you get this out of the way while you’re in your late teens or, at the very latest, early twenties. They’ll keep! All you have to do is stay in touch with the photographer to make sure he has stored them properly and is ready to distribute them at a moment’s notice. One phone call a year—Hi. How ya doin’? Just wanted to make sure you still have the pictures. O.K. Great, yeah, I’ll do that. O.K., you too. Right. Buh-bye. How hard is that? I waited until my face had “character” to have my pictures done. What was I thinking? Answer: I wasn’t thinking.

  It’s an open secret that it is now fashionable to laugh at the idea of having fifteen minutes of fame. People! I, too, used to think, Oh, that doesn’t apply to me, I’ll be famous whenever I want to—the first two weeks of April, every August, after Mom moves into the home. I don’t have to watch the clock, let the clock watch me. Well, I was caught napping, literally, and I found out too late that my fifteen minutes had come during an intense REM cycle while I was dreaming about— No, forget it, it doesn’t matter what I was dreaming about. This isn’t about me.

  I’m not saying that I have all the answers—if I did I’d be laughing all the way to the bank instead of all the way in the opposite direction from the bank, until it becomes a tiny dot on the horizon and then disappears entirely. My whole point is: Do you want to miss your ice time, foul out before the game has begun, do an end run around yourself, be caught looking when the high heater comes over the fat part of the plate, just so you’ll have an “interesting” dream about going into a tunnel to tell your shrink the next day? Maybe you do. But I don’t think so. And, by the way, when they say fifteen minutes they mean fifteen minutes. It’s the old story: “Sorry, we can’t help you. If we made an exception for you, blah, blah, blah.”

  Look, I know this is all pretty obvious, and having to spell it out is almost as embarrassing for me as, in a completely unrelated way, it would be for you to tell
your boss that you hate his guts, that you could run the company better than he can, that he can’t fire you because you quit, and thanks for nothing, you jerk, you can go to hell. But you know you owe it to your boss to be honest with him, even if it’s a wee bit painful—that’s why he hired you. In the same way, I owe it to myself to be honest, at some point, with someone. It doesn’t matter who—you let me worry about that.

  What I have to say is simple. But that doesn’t make it any less true. If anything, it makes it more true. It’s simple—unless you make it complicated. If I’ve done my job here today, you will have achieved that heightened state of receptivity that lies midway between not paying much attention and not paying any attention. Or maybe you just think I’m a big phony. So be it. It’s O.K. to have that feeling. But, right or wrong—they boil down to the same thing at the end of the day, if not by lunchtime, although of course it depends when you turned the flame on—I would rather not “know” about it, so if you have any brains you won’t “tell” me about it. Not that brains are everything—you’ll also need a skull to put them in. And, much as I’d like to help you out with that, I can’t live your life for you. That much I do know. But that’s neither here nor there.

  1997

  STEVE MARTIN

  CHANGES IN THE MEMORY AFTER FIFTY

  BORED? Here’s a way the over-fifty set can easily kill a good half hour:

  1. Place your car keys in your right hand.

  2. With your left hand, call a friend and confirm a lunch or dinner date.

  3. Hang up the phone.

  4. Now look for your car keys.

  (For answer, turn page upside down.)*7

  The lapses of memory that occur after fifty are normal and in some ways beneficial. There are certain things it’s better to forget, like the time Daddy once failed to praise you, and now, forty years later, you have to count the tiles in the bathroom—first in multiples of three, then in multiples of five, and so on, until they come out even—or else you can’t get out of the shower. The memory is selective, and sometimes it will select 1956 and 1963 and that’s all. Such memory lapses don’t necessarily indicate a more serious health problem. The rule is that if you think you have a pathological memory problem you probably don’t. In fact, the most serious indicator is when you’re convinced you’re fine and yet people often ask you, “Why are you here in your pajamas at the Kennedy Center Honors?”

  Let’s say you’ve just called your best friend, Joe, and invited him to an upcoming anniversary party, and then, minutes later, you call Joe back to invite him to the same party again. This does not mean that you are “losing it” or are “not playing with a full deck” or are “not all there” or that you’re “eating with the dirigibles” or “shellacking the waxed egg” or “looking inside your own mind and finding nothing there,” or any of the other demeaning epithets that are said about people who are peeling an empty banana. It does mean, however, that perhaps Joe is no longer on the list of things that you’re going to remember. This is Joe’s fault. He should be more memorable. He should have a name like El Elegante.

  Sometimes it’s fun to sit in your garden and try to remember your dog’s name. Here’s how: simply watch the dog’s ears while calling out pet names at random. This is a great summer activity, especially in combination with “Name That Wife” and “Who Am I?” These games actually strengthen the memory, and make it possible to solve more complicated problems, such as “Is this the sixth time I’ve urinated this hour or the seventh?” This, of course, is easily answered by tiny pencil marks applied during the day.

  Note to Self: Remember to write article about waxy buildup.

  If you have a doctor who is over fifty, it’s wise to pay attention to his changing memory profile. There is nothing more disconcerting than a patient and a healer staring at each other across an examining table wondering why they’re there. Watch out for the stethoscope being placed on the forehead or the briefcase. Watch out for greetings such as “Hello . . . you.” Be concerned if while looking for your file he keeps referring to you as “one bad boy.” Men should be wary if the doctor, while examining their prostate, suddenly says, “I’m sorry, but do I know you?”

  There are several theories to explain the memory problems of advancing age. One is that the brain is full: it simply has too much data to compute. This is easy to understand if we realize that the name of your third-grade teacher is still occupying space, not to mention the lyrics to “Volare.” One solution for older men is to take all the superfluous data swirling around in the brain and download it into the newly large stomach, where there is plenty of room. This frees the brain to house more relevant information, like the particularly troublesome “days of the week.” Another solution is to take regular doses of Ginkgo biloba, an extract from a tree in Asia whose memory is so indelible that one day it will hunt down and kill all the humans who have been eating it. It is strongly advised that those taking Ginkgo biloba label the bottle “Memory Pills.” There is nothing more embarrassing than looking at a bottle of Ginkgo biloba and thinking it’s a reliquary for a Spanish explorer.

  SO, in summary, waxy buildup is a problem all of us face. Only a good, strong cleanser, used once or twice a month, will save us the humiliation of that petrified yellow crust on our furniture. Again, I recommend an alcohol-free, polymer-based cleanser, applied with a damp cloth. Good luck!

  1998

  STEVE MARTIN

  THE HUNDRED GREATEST BOOKS THAT I’VE READ

  1. The A-Bomb and Your School Desk

  2. Little Lulu, No. 24, January, 1954

  3. Weekly Reader humor column

  4. Women Love It If You’re Funny! (ad)

  5. Robert Orben’s Patter for Magicians

  6. The book that starts, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.”

  7. Silas Marner (first and last page only)

  8. The Catcher in the Rye

  9. Sex for Teenagers (pamphlet)

  10. The Nude (serious art photos)

  11. Lolita (movie only)

  12. Owner’s Manual, 1966 Mustang

  13. Showmanship for Magicians, by Dariel Fitzkee

  14. Republic, by Plato

  15. Steal This Book, by Abbie Hoffman

  16. Fasting with Incense, by “Free”

  17. Being and Nothingness, by J. P. Sartre

  18. Being and Nothingness, Cliffs Notes

  19. Complete Works of e. e. cummings

  20. Complete Works of Shelley

  21. How for Two Years to Never Once Speak to the Girl of Your Dreams, Even Though You Sit Across From Her Every Day in the College Library, by D. James

  22. How to Seduce Women by Being Withdrawn, Falsely Poetic, and Moody (same author)

  23. Hamlet (screenplay)

  24. The Banjo and Marijuana: Delusions of Grandeur, by Snuffy Grubbs

  25. Howl, by Allen Ginsberg

  26. Why It’s Not Important to Get a Fancy Table at a Restaurant, by D. Jones

  27. Journey to Ixtlan, by C. Castaneda

  28. Who to Call When You’re Busted for Peyote, by Officer P. R. Gainsly

  29. What to Read on Your Summer Vacation (pamphlet)

  30. Tess of the D’Urbervilles

  31. The Idiot

  32. “The Playboy Advisor” (letters about stereo equipment only)

  33. What Night-Club Audiences Are Like in Utah, by Tippy Tibbs

  34. 50 Great Spots for Self-Immolation in Bryce Canyon, by Tippy Tibbs (deceased)

  35. Great Laundromats of the Southwest, General Services Administration

  36. Using Hypnotism to Eliminate the Word “Like” from Your Vocabulary

  37. “The Hollywood Hot 100” (article)

  38. How to Not Let Anyone Know You’re Having a Panic Attack, by E.K.G.

  39. “The Hollywood Hot 100” (rechecking)

  40. “Whatever Happened To . . . ?” (article)

  41. If You’re Not Happy When Everything Good Is Happening to You, You
Must Be Insane, by Loopy d’Lulu

  42. The Nouveau Riche and Its Attraction to Silver Bathroom Wallpaper, by Paige Rense

  43–49. How to Bid at Sotheby’s (seven volumes)

  50. Thinking You’re a Genius in the Art Market Until 1989, by Gregor Ito

  51. Beating the Experts at Chinese Ceramics, by Taiwan Tony

  52. Selling Your Fake Chinese Ceramics, by Taiwan Tony

  53. Windows for Dummies

  54. Windows for Idiots

  55. Windows for the Subhuman

  56. Fifty Annoying Sinus Infections You Can Legally Give Bill Gates

  57. Romeo and Juliet

  58. Great Love Poems

  59. Martha Stewart’s Marriage Book

  60. Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, by John Gray (gift)

  61. How Come You Don’ Listen to Me No Mo’?, by Dr. Grady Ulose (gift)

  62. Ten Lousy Things Men Do to Be Rotten, by Dr. Laura Sleshslinger (gift)

  63. Crummy Men Who Can’t Think and Don’ Do Nothin’, by J. Delius (gift)

  64. Prenup Loopholes, by Anon., Esq.

  65. How to Survive a Broken Heart

  66. Be a Man, Get Over It!

  67. Diagnostic Manual of Mental Disorders, American Psychiatric Association

  68. Get Ready to Live!, by H. Camper

  69. Omelette-Olga: Mnemonic Devices for Remembering Waitresses’ Names

  70. Victoria’s Secret fall catalogue

  71. Your Stomach, and Why It’s So Fat

  72. Inappropriate Dating and Your Hair, by Spraon Brown

  73. Male Menopause, by Jed Diamond

  74. The Male Within, by Dr. Ken Justin

  75. It’s a Guy Thing, by “Jesse” (convicted felon)

  76. What Breasts Can Make You Do

  77. Owner’s Manual for the Harley-Davidson Sportster 883