The Lewis Legacy Series Box Set: 4-in-1 Special Edition

by JoAnn Durgin

  “Okay, I . . .” He faltered for an extended moment.

  “You . . . what?”

  He shook his head, staring at his hands as an overwhelming sadness coursed through him. Drawing in a quick breath, he closed his eyes for a split-second. Just spit it out and get it over with. “Natalie, I had relationships with three other women before I met you.”

  She blinked, but didn’t look shocked. “Well, that’s not surprising. I may be mad as blazes at you, but you’re a very handsome man.” She stared down at her hands twisting in her lap. “That’s part of what makes this all so difficult for me. Having said all that, I’d be more surprised if you didn’t have girlfriends before you married me.”

  His eyes softened as he watched her. So intelligent and sophisticated, Natalie was also an innocent. Raised in a strong Christian home, she was naïve to the ways of the world. But that was a good thing, and he adored that quality in her. Tell her. Get up the nerve and say the words. Marc opened his mouth, finding it extremely difficult to tell his wife the sad truth. He couldn’t remember anything ever being this hard except that long ago morning when he found his mom at the kitchen table, slumped over the newspaper. He pushed the thought aside.

  “I’m talking about more than girlfriends.” Oh, Lord, this is so hard. “Physical relationships.” He didn’t want to look yet couldn’t keep his eyes away, needing to see her reaction. She strained forward, her expression impossible to read. Praying she wouldn’t ask him to repeat it, not sure he could. She didn’t cry, didn’t scream, didn’t do anything but stare into space. Maybe it would be better if she did let it out. Natalie trained her focus out the front window of the SUV, her jaw tight, her chin defiant.

  His heart told him what it was. Pure and simple, his wife was devastated. If she let down her guard, she’d crumple. Perhaps more than anything, it was her disappointment in him that broke his heart. He’d failed her. Not that she put him on a pedestal, but she’d admired him, and look what he’d done to shatter that trust, that faith, that admiration. Deeply ashamed, Marc couldn’t face the hurt and pain in those beautiful eyes. “I can tell you once, and then we never have to speak of it again.”

  The laugh she let out wasn’t one of mirth. It was brimming with sarcasm, barely-contained anger, and it cut him like a carving knife. “Why? So I can know who else will be carrying a part of my husband with them forever?” As she finally moved her gaze to him, meeting his eyes, she burst into tears. Hard, body-rocking, heartrending sobs. When he tried to pull her into his arms, Natalie turned aside, pushing away his hands, crying even harder. It was the most awful sound he’d ever heard other than that bloodcurdling scream the night of her fall, which now seemed so long ago. Her shoulders heaved, wracked with her anguish.

  His hands poised mid-air. What could he say or do to comfort her? Rejection was a horrible, miserable feeling, especially from his wife. The seed of doubt planted itself in his mind, insidiously threading its way through his subconscious. “Please, Natalie. I need to tell you.” His voice broke, ragged, and he tried to touch her, but she pulled away from him.

  “Don’t you touch me, Marcus Alan Thompson! This isn’t a confessional. Or is it?” She glared at him, and brushed falling tears away with the back of her hand. “Tell me one thing. Did you actually love any of those women?”

  “I thought I loved one of them, but what I felt for her is nothing compared to what we have, Natalie. Nothing. You must believe me.” It wasn’t love. It was nothing more than lust, but admitting that would only drive the stake deeper into her heart. The other two relationships lasted barely more than a few months, six at most. Most women were too clingy, unlike Natalie who made him work for everything he’d achieved in terms of their relationship. But he liked that. She was different from every other woman he’d known in all the best ways. The Lord changed his heart when he became a Christian, and as much as anything else, that decision made a huge impact on his relationship with her.

  “Please don’t tell me the one you thought you loved was Ashley what’s-her-name. A milk bottle has less plastic than that woman, Marc. For the record, that note I found was from her, right? Tell me, Marc, did the A in that note stand for ‘Ashley’ or ‘Adulterer’?”

  He hung his head. “Yes, if you must know, the note was from Ashley. It was from a time when I was young and incredibly stupid. She threw herself at me, and, at that point in my life, I couldn’t resist.” As soon as the words were out, he realized it was the wrong thing to say.

  “Oh, so it was all her fault, was it? Last time I checked, it takes two.” She hesitated. “Did I know all this before we were married?”

  That was the dreaded question, the one he prayed she wouldn’t ask. The one that could make—or break—them forever. Please, Lord. Let her forgive me so we can get past this.

  “I repeat, did I know this before we were married?” Her words were slow, purposeful, and her voice rose with barely-contained anger. Mixed with unbearable hurt.

  “No.” His pulse throbbed, pounding in his ears, pulling him down even further into the abyss of self-loathing and desperation.

  “You lied to me?” Unmistakable betrayal laced her words as Natalie dropped her eyes.

  In that moment, he hated himself all over again for doing this to her. “In my misguided thinking, I thought I was protecting you. I love you so much, Natalie, and I wanted you as my wife more than I needed my next breath. I know the Lord brought the two of us together for a reason, but I couldn’t risk losing you. There seemed no reason to tell you because those relationships were in my past, over long before we met. More than anything else, I couldn’t bear the thought of not claiming you as my wife.” His voice broke again as his shoulders slumped. “I couldn’t bear the failure.”

  “So we’ve been living a lie, and you’d rather stick it out with a woman who is—for all intents and purposes, your wife in name only right now—because Marc Thompson can’t face failure.” Shaking her head, Natalie turned away in disgust. “When are you going to get over yourself? You are not your father, and neither should you want to be.”

  Marc clenched and unclenched his fists a couple of times and counted to three under his breath before answering. At least she’d tacked right now onto the wife-in-name-only part. Small consolation. As if he needed any reminders. But he refused to drag his father, or his feelings about his dad, into this discussion. For a woman suffering amnesia, her mind possessed an amazing clarity all its own.

  “We haven’t been living a lie.” The stirrings of anger boiled beneath the surface. He wasn’t sure how she’d react, but neither did he expect to feel this way. Mad. “I freely admit that I was a coward. Trust me, we were gloriously happy for the two years we dated, during our engagement, and then for two beautiful months after we got married. I was faithful to you from the moment we met, and you are the woman I want beside me for the rest of my life.”

  Natalie snapped her head up, and the force of her stare bore straight through to his gut. “And when you made love to me, were you really making love to me, or to Ashley or someone else?”

  “Stop it, Natalie! Don’t even go there.” His voice was a low growl, his back teeth grinding as he fought to keep his temper in check. “I wasn’t raised in a Christian home with parents who shared a strong marriage like yours, with the same values, standards and morals. I know that doesn’t excuse my behavior, but it’s the way it was. And, as long as I’m getting it all out in the open, I passed up a lot of opportunities.” He knew it was wrong to throw that in her face, but couldn’t help himself. “Do you have any idea what it’s like to be in the public eye as a professional baseball player?”

  She snorted. “No, but I can just imagine.” Sarcasm oozed from her.

  “You have to give me some credit for restraint, and believe me, it didn’t stop the day we married.” He cringed. That last one was out-of-line, a low blow. Even the night he stormed out of the house when she told him her plans for moving out, a curvaceous blonde set her sights on him. His
fault for going to a hotel bar, but it was enough to send him running in the other direction. A few years ago, he would have made a completely different decision. The wrong one.

  Lord, a little help here, please.

  Natalie snorted. “Well, you are quite the catch, after all. With a head that big, I don’t see how you manage to fit it through the door. Why now, Marc? Did you wake up this morning with this sudden, overwhelming urge to confess your sinful past?”

  He counted to ten under his breath. “I don’t know what you want to hear. Surely you suspected I wasn’t a saint since I wasn’t a Christian until a year before we met. But since we’re basically starting over, I wanted you to know, I needed you to know. And now you’re punishing me. Maybe I was wrong, and this was all a big mistake, especially if you can’t find it in your heart to forgive me.”

  Not knowing what more he could say, he turned the key in the ignition and, after pausing to make sure she was buckled in, headed out onto the highway. With each silent, passing mile back to the ranch, his heart broke a little more, piece by agonizing piece. Walking her to the door of the women’s cabin, he stood and watched as she started inside. “Don’t push me away forever, Natalie. I’d give anything not to cause you pain.”

  She paused, her hand on the door, turning to the side.

  “I’ve only loved you—and thought of you—since the day we first met. Remember that and cling to that. Forgive me. I love you more than life itself.” Although he knew she’d heard him, Natalie bit her lip and escaped inside the women’s cabin.

  Turning, Marc stomped through the snow in the direction of the main house. Knocking once, he opened the door, knowing it was normally unlocked. Sam sat at the desk in the family room. Seeing him, he removed his glasses. “I’ll make the coffee.” Following him to the kitchen, Marc sighed. It promised to be a long night.

  Chapter 29

  Marc couldn’t keep his gaze from straying in Natalie’s direction during dinner two nights later. Keeping away from her this long was torture, and she was avoiding him like he carried some infectious disease. I came to Montana to win her back, not push her further away.

  He knew Sam watched closely, but he didn’t dare look him in the eye. Even though he could understand Natalie’s feelings—especially considering her background and strong faith—he’d done his part by confessing everything and asking for forgiveness.

  If they were going to get on with the process of restoring their relationship, she’d have to forgive him. Her blatant disregard was already wearing thin. He had only so much patience, and growing irritation was settling in fast. The ball was in her court, but it didn’t look like she was willing to volley. Kevin moved over, making room at the table for Sam.

  “Rule number one,” Sam said under his breath, putting his glass of water on the table and dropping down beside him.

  Marc’s fork poised above his plate as he released a heavy sigh. He wasn’t really hungry and didn’t taste the food. “Remind me. You confused me when you moved one of the rules to the top of the list.” He stopped, catching the look on Sam’s face. “I’m guessing it’s the one about never letting the sun go down on your anger.”

  “I believe I used the term ‘resolving differences,’ but same idea, yes. Do everything within your power to start on the path to resolution. It’s time.”

  Stealing a glance at Natalie, Marc found her eyes on him. She turned away first. “I’m afraid it’s a little late for that one, Sam. Natalie’s been angry with me for a while, you know. And, truth be told,” he said, blowing out a deep sigh, “I’m not exactly feeling like Mr. Congeniality.”

  “Do what you can each day.” Sam waited until he looked over at him, holding his gaze steady. “Forget about a timeline and focus on working through this thing together.” That deep voice lowered as he leaned closer. “If that means hashing it out—shouting, stomping, yelling, throwing things or whatever else you need to do—so be it. But be honest with each other and get to the bottom of your anger. Then you can work on getting past it.”

  “I’m not sure I’m up to it. Everything’s still fresh and raw.”

  The man didn’t flinch. “Sometimes that’s the best time.” A large hand clamped on his shoulder as Sam drained his glass and left the table. Marc watched as he moved among his TeamWork crew and the other ranch hands, smiling and talking. Every now and then, Sam caught his eye, and he also caught Lexa stealing glances his way, her eyes sympathetic. Natalie left the table, and he heard the ladies talking in the other room.

  Pushing his plate aside, Marc bowed his head, overcome with the sudden urge to pray. A short time later, he looked up to find Kevin, Eliot and Dean gathered around him, their heads also bowed. The others had all departed, giving them privacy. He needed to leave before he got all misty again. Standing, he nodded to each of the other men in turn as they raised their heads. “Thanks, guys.” What an understatement.

  At least now he knew what he needed to do. He needed to confront Natalie. Let her see his anger. Maybe even give her a choice, but make her fight to keep this marriage together.

  ~~**~~

  Waiting until after the evening devotions, Marc approached Natalie as she talked quietly with Amy and Winnie. Perhaps the women intended to keep her with them long enough for him to find her. What am I, in high school? Go and talk to your wife already. “Natalie?” The women stopped mid-conversation.

  “Do you need something, Marc?” Her eyes met his for a fleeting second before she looked away and crossed her arms.

  The physical ache for her pounded in his heart, throbbed in his veins. More than anything on earth in that moment, he wanted to hold her. Out of the corner of his eye, he caught Amy’s wince. I need you. “We need to talk.” He looked down at his feet for a moment before looking into her eyes, tilting his head to one side, gracing her with his best Elwood impression. She probably wanted to slap him silly, anyway, so he had nothing to lose.

  “All right,” she said with a resigned sigh, uncrossing her arms. The ladies walked away without another word, but not before Amy and Winnie both winked. When Amy gave him the thumbs-up sign behind Natalie’s back, Marc turned his head so as not to laugh out loud and sucked in his cheeks.

  At least she allowed him to assist her into her jacket, mumbling her thanks. He might be a louse, but he was a gentleman. Walking beside her in silence except for the crunching of snow under their boots, Marc shoved his hands deep inside his jacket pockets as he led the way toward one of the large, towering evergreen trees a short distance away from the buildings.

  Montana really was beautiful, but he’d been so bothered by their situation, he hadn’t had taken the opportunity to fully appreciate their gorgeous surroundings. He breathed in the crisp air, catching Natalie’s hint of a smile. Surely she felt it, too, and appreciated the beauty of God’s creation so evident here. His already churning stomach warned him their discussion might get heated. Still, their personal issues shouldn’t be fodder for everyone else’s conversation. That was probably a moot point, anyway. Nonetheless, he made certain they stood just far enough away from anyone else who might be within earshot.

  Arms crossed again—probably for warmth as much as anything—Natalie’s eyes avoided his. “What do you want to talk about?”

  “Do you really have to ask that question?” He was already on the defensive, and needed to cool the sarcasm. Not a good sign.

  “Oh, we’re playing a game now, I see.” She sounded equally testy.

  “The only one playing games here is you, Natalie.” His voice came out a low growl. When he glimpsed the fleeting look of hurt cross her face, it nipped at his conscience.

  “Go ahead. Get it out. Tell me what’s on your mind tonight. More confessions?”

  That was all the encouragement he needed. “Fine. You know what your problem is?” Marc tried to temper his rising anger, but Lord help him, it was difficult. He despised raising his voice to his wife, of all people, but she’d angered him. He’d reached the point where he
had to let loose and spill his emotions, once and for all. It might prove detrimental to their relationship, but it might also be soothing and somehow cathartic. The die was cast.

  Natalie stared, her mouth a firm line. “Why don’t you tell me, and then we’ll both know.”

  “You can’t accept the fact that you married an imperfect man.”

  “What does that mean?” The sight of her softened his resolve. She looked so vulnerable with her feet planted apart, as if prepared to do battle, those beautiful eyes blazing.

  The tiniest grin tugged at the corners of his mouth, but giving into it would be a huge mistake. “You can’t accept the fact that the man you married had a past before you.” The momentum was going again now. “God forbid I dared to love someone other than you before we were married.”

  “No,” she said, her voice rising. She took a small step forward. “The reason I’m mad is because you didn’t tell me about those relationships before we were married, Marc. Because you didn’t trust yourself, and more importantly, you didn’t trust me to be mature enough to handle it. By covering up your past, you lied to me, you lied to us, and you made our marriage a sham in the process.”

  “Oh . . . you . . . woman!” Marc yelled, not bothering to keep his voice low. Forget about calm. It was long gone. “Our marriage was . . . is not a sham, and you know it!” He took a step closer, and they stood toe-to-toe, their boots touching. “Even if you can’t remember how great we are together because of this horrible thing called amnesia, surely you can tell by the way I’ve treated you the last few months.” He leaned closer. “I. Love. You.” Inhaling a deep breath, he prayed for calm and lowered his voice. “Natalie, don’t you know you’re the only woman I’ve ever really wanted? The only woman I cared for enough to ask to marry me? Did you ever once stop to think that maybe, because I was a sinner, I gave into temptation? Maybe my past sins made me a better man, a better husband to you . . .”