The Dirty Dozen: Damsel Edition

by Kay Maree

  “You failed the first time. What makes you think you wouldn’t fail again?”

  His words felt like knives stabbing into her heart. Had he honestly believed it was her fault? Was it her fault? Had she stayed up too late? Eaten something she shouldn’t have? Perhaps it was that extra pill that she took in front of him before she knew for sure she was pregnant? Had she failed her baby? Failed her husband? Herself?

  “Clean up that fucking mess,” he snapped, pointing to the water and broken glass on the floor. “And make sure you get all the glass. I don’t want to go stepping on it tomorrow. I’m going to have a shower and go to bed.”

  “Do you want me to come?” she asked.

  “I don’t really care. You do what you want.”

  Crestfallen, she slumped back on the couch. What she wanted was her husband back. She wanted someone to love her, to tell her it was all going to be okay, even if it wasn’t. She needed reassurance that it hadn’t been all her fault. Karl wasn’t going to give her that, even if she begged.

  * * * *

  Months went by, they spoke, but the intimacy was gone. When Karl started coming home late from work again, Kiera wondered if there was another woman. He would never admit to it, and she wasn’t sure if she even cared. She missed the old him, the one who would hold her through the night and tell her how much he loved her. She wasn’t sure he did anymore.

  “You don’t have to stay,” her sister told her at one of her rare visits.

  “I have nowhere else to go, Hales,” she moaned. “Besides, I’m sure he’s just depressed. After we lost the baby, everything went downhill.”

  “I wish you’d called me. I would have been here for you,” Haley had tried.

  Kiera knew it wasn’t heartfelt. Haley had her own life. She was working for an airline, her dream job, flying all over the world. One day England, the next Paris or Rome. She had talked of little else growing up; while Kiera was reading Harry Potter, Haley was reading an atlas.

  “I keep hoping he will just get better. Or at least come and talk to me. I feel like I’ve let him down. I owe it to him to stick around and make everything okay. I’m the only family he’s ever had.”

  “He’s using you, Kiera. Can’t you see that?”

  “No, no, he’s not. He takes care of me. I don’t have to work. He gives me all I need.” She didn’t tell her sister she was desperately lonely, that she wanted to work, wanted to get out of the house, go somewhere, do something. Every day was the same. She felt lucky if someone passed the time of day with her at the library, being alone was one thing, but being lonely was another, and it hurt like hell.

  “It’s your loss, Kiera,” she sighed, looking down at her watch. “I’ve got to go. I have a date tonight.”

  “Well, thanks for coming by. Will you come again?”

  Haley stroked her sister's arm. “To be entirely honest, Kiera, I don’t think I can. It’s just . . . I hate seeing you like this. It’s too . . . depressing.”

  “Oh, okay. I understand,” Kiera nodded. “Well, bye then.”

  “Take care, sis,” were Haley’s parting words.

  She guessed that was that. Her husband didn’t want her. Her family didn’t want her. What was even the point?

  Making her way into the kitchen, she spotted a blue and white box sitting above the microwave; sleeping pills. Karl had complained he couldn’t sleep without them, citing his job was stressful and he couldn’t switch off. Kiera had never had trouble sleeping; if she couldn’t sleep, she would read for a while. If she felt tired during the day, she could always take a nap.

  Taking the box in her trembling hand, she counted out the tablets; six. She wondered how many it would take to make her go to sleep and not wake up. After all, what did she have to live for? A life of misery?

  Pouring a long drink of water, she popped the pills from their blister pack and felt the weight of them in her palm. Her gaze darted to the clock on the wall. Karl wouldn’t be home for hours, and by then, she would be dead. He could make the arrangements to bury her then move on with his life; she wouldn’t be a burden to him anymore. With one swift motion, she lifted her hand to her mouth and deposited all the tablets at the back of her tongue, then followed it with a long swig of water. A bitter aftertaste lingered in her mouth and throat, and she swallowed more water in an attempt to wash it away. She went to the bathroom, then sat on the side of the bed and waited. Nothing.

  Returning to the kitchen, she took down the now empty box and carried it with her back to her room. Why weren’t they working? She squinted to read the fine print on the side of the box. Take one to two tablets up to twenty minutes before going to bed. Perhaps she was being too hasty and just had to give the medication time to work. So, she lay back on her bed and closed her eyes, waiting for the darkness to come.

  Chapter Ten

  Slowly the light began to filter in. Kiera raised a hand to her throbbing forehead, blinked then closed her eyes again. Where was she? Why was she awake? She hadn’t wanted to wake up again, ever.

  “It’s about time you woke up,” Karl’s voice drifted into her consciousness. “What did you think you were doing?”

  She couldn’t make out if he was angry or concerned. His voice sounded different somehow. Opening one eye, she took in the brightness of the room. He must have come home early. He hadn’t given her enough time. She rolled to her side, and her stomach lurched. She was going to be sick.

  Thrusting her feet through the covers she hadn’t remembered putting on, she found the carpeted floor and stumbled to the open bathroom door. Falling against the wall, she allowed herself to slide down as the contents of her stomach expelled themselves uncontrollably towards the toilet bowl. Mostly missing. Yuck!

  A sheen of sweat covered her forehead, and she reached for some toilet paper to wipe her mouth and brow. This wasn’t the way things were meant to work out. Now Karl would be angry. She’d have to clean up the mess, but she could barely keep her eyes open.

  “Come on, let’s get you under the shower.”

  She looked up to see him looming in the doorway.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “I’m sure you are,” he nodded, walking toward her.

  Kiera cowered, anticipating his lash, but rather than hitting her, he placed a hand gently around her shoulders and helped her to her feet. Tenderly, he helped her out of her clothes and kept an arm around her waist to save her from slipping. He adjusted the water temperature in the shower before helping her to move under the warm spray.

  “Perfect,” she offered him a sad smile. “Just the way I like it.”

  “I know. It will help you wake up and make you feel better. Do you think you can stand on your own?”

  “I think so.”

  “Good, freshen yourself up. Call me if you need me.”

  Then she was alone again. Alone with her thoughts, feelings, and regrets. She’d been totally wrong. He did care about her. Otherwise, he would have left her to die, or at least lay in her own filth.

  Karl had been right. A shower made her feel a lot better. Her head no longer pounded, and she felt a little more awake and a lot more alive.

  “Want to tell me what that was all about?” he asked when she entered the living room, towelling her wet hair.

  Kiera shrugged. What could she tell him? She wanted to die because no one cared about her anymore? He had just shown her that he did. Obviously.

  “I was worried about you. I called in sick for work, and you know I never do that.”

  Her eyes flashed to the clock on the wall that read eleven; it had been around three in the afternoon when she’d taken the sleepers.

  “What do you mean? I’m confused.”

  “You slept all night, Kiera. If you were trying to kill yourself, you grossly underdid it. You need a lot more than six sleeping tablets for that.” He sniggered like he found it amusing. “You did, however, give yourself a big sleep and me a heart attack. How did you th
ink I would feel coming home to find you like that? You know I found my foster mother dead. Did you want me to go through all that again?”

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t think.”

  “No, you were only thinking about yourself, weren’t you?”

  “I’m sorry, Karl. I’ve been so depressed and lonely lately.” Tears sprang to her eyes and she didn’t bother trying to stop them. It was about time he knew how much pain she was in. How much his actions were hurting her. “Since we lost the baby, you’ve been so distant. You’ve worked late. You never want to have sex with me. You’re probably off with someone else. Someone who makes you happy.”

  “Someone that makes me happy?” he mused. “Is that what you think?”

  She wiped her cheek with the back of her hand and nodded her head.

  “Come here,” he said in a soft tone she hadn’t heard for months.

  When he clasped her arm and pulled her into him, she allowed herself to go. His arms wrapped around her shoulders, cradling her, and he dropped soft kisses into her hair. It had been the longest time since he held her like this. It felt odd, but at the same time, she felt safe, protected, wanted.

  “I love you, Kiera. I need you to know that. I’ve been trying to give you space because I thought that’s what you wanted. I know it upset you losing the baby, and I didn’t want to force myself on you. After everything that happened, y’know, down below, I figured you would want to be left alone. I know you don’t like having sex with me anyway.”

  Pushing herself away from him, she moved to a sitting position. “Since when?”

  “Since you tell me, ‘Not tonight, Karl’ or ‘I’ve got a headache.’”

  “Like that ever stopped you?”

  “See? You hate it. So, I thought I was doing you a favour.”

  “Are you sleeping with someone else?”

  He shrugged and smirked.

  “Oh, my . . . .” She leapt to her feet, the moment of tenderness now replaced with anger and repulsion. “How can you sit here and say you love me, but you’re having sex with someone else?”

  “I was doing you a favour, Kiera,” he yelled in response as his face reddened in anger.

  “Who is it?”

  “Does it matter?”

  “Yes!”

  “Mariah.”

  “Mariah?” she shrieked. “The woman from your work? That’s why you are always working late.”

  “It’s just sex, Kiera.”

  “Do you love her?”

  “No,” he shook his head and let out a humourless laugh. “I love you. I told you that.”

  “I can’t . . . ,” She paced the floor as she tried to process the things he was saying.

  “It was all for you, Kiera. I don’t care about that woman. She’s nothing to me.”

  “And what am I?”

  He rose to his feet and clasped her arms, stopping her in her tracks. His dark eyes staring down into hers, pleading.

  “You are everything to me, Kiera. You are the sunshine to my rain. The stars to my moon. You were sent to me because we needed to be together, Kiera. You and me. You belong to me, and I am yours. Always and forever.”

  “Except when someone else is?”

  “It was just sex, Kiera. A man needs sex, for fuck's sake. If it makes you feel better, I won’t do it anymore, yeah?”

  “You’ll still see her at work every day.”

  “So? What difference does that make?”

  “It makes all the difference,” she argued.

  “Not to me.” He shook his head. “Just so long as you give me what I want, then I won’t need to look for it anywhere else.”

  “So I have to do what you want? Or else?”

  “Come on, Kiera. Are you listening to yourself?” he asked, his voice calm. “You’re being very selfish right now.”

  “I’m being selfish?” she shrieked.

  “Yes! I took a day off to take care of you after you decided it might be fun to take all my sleeping tablets.” He scrubbed his hands through his hair as he did when he was getting frustrated with her. “I do everything for you, Kiera, and you still want more from me?”

  “Haley was right! You’re just using me.”

  “Haley? Your sister?” He shook his head. “Has she been here? Is that what set this whole thing off? What have I told you? She’s no good for you, Kiera. She doesn’t understand you. Not like I do. She doesn’t understand us . . . our relationship.”

  Kiera stared hard at him. She wasn’t sure she understood their relationship anymore, either. For all of these bad points, for all of her suspicions, she had always convinced herself she had been wrong. Karl wouldn’t cheat on her. They were married.

  “I’ve got to go,” she whispered, more to herself than him, as she marched toward their bedroom.

  Opening the first draw, Kiera took out a pile of neatly folded clothes and placed them on the bed, then another, and another. She knew she had a nap-sack somewhere, she would stack them all in there. She had no idea where she would go, but she knew she couldn’t stay.

  “What are you doing, Kiera?”

  She spun on her heel to see Karl standing in the doorway, his raised elbow resting on the doorframe beside his head.

  “I’m leaving you. You can go make happy homes with Mariah. I don’t care,” she lied. “I won’t be staying around, though.”

  “No, you’re not. You’re not going anywhere.”

  Angry at his statement, she barged her way toward the door. Her nap-sack wasn’t in her room, it must be in the pantry, down the hall. Karl stood firm, not allowing her to pass.

  “You can’t stop me.”

  “I can, actually,” he scoffed. “You have nowhere to go. No money. No car. No one who cares about you.”

  “And who’s fault is that?” she asked, thrusting a hand to her hip, challenging him.

  “You can’t blame me for all your craziness, Kiera. Look at you. You stay home all day. You are boring as all hell. No one wants to spend time with you because you have nothing to offer. Even your family doesn’t want you. You are nothing to them, Kiera.”

  Each word hit her, causing a dent in her armour. She knew Karl was right. She couldn’t hold a conversation; she had nothing to say. Nothing to discuss because she didn’t know about world events. She knew about books, but no one ever wanted to hear about them. She couldn’t even remember the last time she had spoken to her mum, and Haley, well . . . she thought she was just depressing. She had basically told her she didn’t want to see her again.

  “You have spent your whole life amounting to nothing, Kiera. You drove your own father away. You don’t appreciate me for anything I do for you. It’s a wonder you haven’t driven me away.”

  “Why are you still here, then?” she asked in a faltering voice.

  “Because I love you, Kiera. Because I am the only person in the whole world who cares for you.”

  “And you show that by cheating on me with that . . . that . . . whore?”

  Karl straightened to his full height. “Please don’t speak about Mariah like that, she doesn’t deserve to be called a whore. She is a nice lady.”

  “A nice lady who is sleeping with my husband?”

  “Come on now, you know why. How about I make you a nice cup of tea? I think you are still suffering the effects of all those drugs you took.”

  Was she? Was that why her head was spinning? Why her knees felt weak? Was she overreacting to Karl’s bombshell news?

  “Come on,” he said again, gently wrapping his arms around her shoulders and guiding her back to her bed. He could be so kind sometimes; after all, she had just yelled at him and threatened to leave. “I’m sorry you’re so upset. You’ll feel much better after a bit more sleep. Lay down here. I’ll get you some tea, and then we can have a bit of a cuddle. Doesn’t that sound nice?”

  Confusion rattled around in her head, and she nodded unconsciously. Perhaps he was right, maybe she
just needed some more rest.

  Chapter Eleven

  It was great having Karl at home. He’d rarely taken leave from work. He told her he was concerned for her mental health and stability, after her dismal, failed attempt at killing herself, followed by her outburst and threat to leave.

  They had spent several days clearing out the garage and making room to store the baby furniture they had bought. Kiera was amazed at the amount of junk they had collected over the years they had been together. It had been almost ten years since they had lived in that house. Hard to believe.

  When Karl disappeared into the house to use the bathroom, he left his phone on top of a pile of boxes he had been sorting through. At first, Kiera didn’t give it a thought, hadn’t even noticed until it starting pinging. Peering out of the garage, she checked to see if Karl was coming. He would kill her if he caught her checking his phone. With the coast clear, she chanced a peek at the screen.

  M; It’s done. 10 AM tomorrow

  M; I miss you xx

  Anger bubbled in her chest as she scrolled through message after message. Karl rarely responded with anything other than an “X.” An “X,” who was Karl sending kisses to? Who was M?

  Pulling her own phone from her pocket, she dialled the number. Her heart beat loudly in her chest as she waited for someone to answer.

  “Mariah speaking.”

  When the voice came down the line, she felt her stomach turn, thinking she might throw up. Karl told her he wouldn’t see her anymore. Told her it was over. Why was she still texting him? What was done, and what was at 10 AM?

  Hearing Karl’s heavy footsteps approaching, she hit the end button on her phone without saying a word and turned her back. Out of the corner of her eye, she watched on silently as Karl read his messages, sniffed and pushed his phone into his pocket.

  “What do you want to do with this Christmas tree?” he asked over his shoulder.

  “I don’t care,” she bit out.

  “Alright, I’ll toss it then.”