A Time for Peace

by Barbara Cameron

  Laughing, shaking her head, Phoebe grasped the kitten and wrapped it in a dishcloth she carried. She made shushing noises and finally the kitten settled down so that she could hand it to Annie.

  "Here, go take her out to her mother," she told the girl. "But if she gets like that again, let her go and do not chase her into the road. Promise me."

  "I won't," Annie said soberly. "I promise." She looked at her mother. "I do."

  "I'll go with her to make sure," Mary told them.

  "How can one tiny kitten create such chaos?" Jenny asked Phoebe. "And have such sharp claws?"

  "Let's take a look at those scratches. They can get infected."

  "I can do it," Jenny said as she started toward the stairs.

  "You cannot reach your back," Phoebe told her quietly. "Will you not let me take care of them for you?"

  Jenny stopped. She was right. And it was time to start bridging the gap that had grown between them.

  "Thank you," she said, nodding.

  "Kumm, I have what we need in my rooms."

  Following her, Jenny stepped into the dawdi haus, a place she hadn't entered since her grandmother had been ill.

  Phoebe drew the shades over the window and then turned to help Jenny draw down the top of her dress.

  "That looks painful," Phoebe said as she looked at the scratches.

  Turning, she took a first-aid box from a kitchen cabinet. "Sit down and we'll take care of it," she invited.

  As she did, Jenny found herself glancing around. A pot of herbs basked in the sunlight filtering into the kitchen window.An earthenware vase of bittersweet Annie had picked sat in the center of the table.

  But it was more than that. Some of Phoebe's things Jenny couldn't remember bringing from her house to this one were here: the teakettle a good friend had given Phoebe, some decorations and books and the quilt that lay across the back of the sofa.

  Little touches that showed that Phoebe had begun making a home here instead of next door, even though when they'd been so upset with each other she'd said that maybe she should go live with a friend because she was getting in the way.

  Jenny wanted to ask her grandmother about them but wasn't sure of this new way they were treating each other, a reaching out as tenuous as a strand of spider web.

  "This might sting a bit," Phoebe warned.

  The stuff she was using to clean the wounds smelled herbal, something naturopathic that Jenny knew people in the community favored over fancy, expensive Englisch medicine from pharmacies.

  "I remember my mother using iodine years ago and blowing on it to keep it from stinging," Jenny said. "It was so long ago."

  She fell silent for a long moment. "It's funny the way the smell of things brings people back. That face lotion, I think it's called Oil of Olay. Lemon muffins. And when I smell lilacs in the spring I remember the night we sneaked into the vacant property down the street from the house where we lived. They were going to cut the trees down the next day to build the new junior high school.

  "So Mom and I went and cut armloads of them and brought them home and stuck them into every vase and jar we could find. When I think of lilacs now I can smell them warm and soft in my arms."

  She glanced up at her grandmother. "And you. There's always this scent of lavender about you. And I never smell cinnamon buns without thinking of you. How you always baked them for me when I came here, even though it was summer and the house got warm early."

  Phoebe smiled slightly and set the cloth down that she'd used to clean the scratches.

  Jenny felt her grandmother's fingers dab on something cool and soothing and then she helped Jenny pull her dress back up over her shoulders.

  "Dad always wore this aftershave I bought him," Jenny continued."I don't know that he liked it but I'd given it to him for Father's Day when I was ten and he kept buying it after he used it up."

  She took a deep breath and then found herself blurting out, "I had a dream about him last week."

  Phoebe sat in the chair beside Jenny. "You did?"

  Jenny studied the vase of bittersweet. Life felt like that right now. "He and I argued about how I felt he was high-handed taking me away from here that last summer."

  "Jenny—"

  She held up a hand. "No, please, let me finish. I don't want to fight with you, too. I still think it should have been handled differently. I had a right to make my own decisions. People get married at that age all the time."

  "But he and your mother wanted you to have an education.You wouldn't have had that here."

  Jenny shrugged. "Maybe. Maybe not. And maybe I wouldn't have cared." She glanced around the room. "I was so lonely sometimes, Grossmudder. Especially when I went overseas."

  She fell silent, wondering if her grandmother would ever understand the pain she'd been through. It had been worse than when she'd sustained physical injuries from the bombing.

  "I loved Matthew so much. I know I seemed young then but I really did love him. And when he didn't answer my letters . . . and I heard later that he got married—well, it broke my heart.

  "And now . . ." she trailed off and when she looked at her grandmother, she couldn't help blinking away her tears. "I told Daddy it hurts so much that I missed out on having children, that I might never have them."

  "But—"

  "No, I know what you're going to say," she interrupted."Daddy said the same thing I think you're about to say—that I have children. And I don't even have to say he's right. I know he is."

  She wiped away a tear with her hand and her grandmother reached over for a box of tissues and handed them to her.

  "I love these children I have. I did from almost the minute I met them. They are my children now. And Joshua's accident . . . wow, what clarity you get from something like that."

  She broke down then and Phoebe gathered her into her arms.

  "Shh," Phoebe said, patting her back.

  "One minute I'm holding that little baby of David and Joy's and wanting one like her so badly it's like a pain here—" she sobbed, gesturing at her heart. "The next I'm hearing Mary scream and running out to find Joshua lying in the street. And when he started seizing—"

  "Ssh," Phoebe whispered. "Everything's allrecht now. He's coming home soon. Don't cry, dear one. You'll just make yourself sick again."

  Jenny wiped her eyes and pulled away from the comfort. "I know. David will be here any minute," she said, glancing at the clock. "I'm going to go wash my face."

  "Maybe I should call my friend and cancel our plans."

  "No, you go ahead. Like I said before, I imagine the pizza place will be kind of noisy and all with children. If you cook Joshua's favorite supper for him tomorrow and make a fuss, he'll be happy."

  "I'll do that, then."

  There was a knock on the door. "Mamm, David's here," Mary said.

  "Perfect timing," Jenny told her. "Tell him I'll be right there."

  "Here, use my bathroom," Phoebe said. "I'll go keep everyone occupied until you come out."

  Nodding, Jenny watched Phoebe stride toward the connecting door. "My bathroom," Phoebe had said. She was referring to this addition to the main house as hers.

  It was a step, she thought, to bridging the gap that had stretched between them. She hoped that somehow they'd find a way to close it.

  "I can get dressed myself. I'm not a boppli."

  "No, sohn, you're not. But it's hard with your wrist, isn't it?" Matthew responded reasonably.

  "Ya," Joshua admitted as he struggled with the buttons on his shirt and then gave up. "You can help. But just this one time. I'm so hungry for pizza."

  Matthew tried to hide his smile as he fastened the buttons."Just this one time," he agreed.

  The wrist wasn't going to heal in a day. Few things were accomplished in a day. Especially getting his and Jenny's relationship back on track even though they'd made some strides toward it while their son was injured.

  Jenny didn't understand how things were here, even though she'd seemed to
adapt so well. A young man had to listen to a young woman's father. He held the authority and he was to be respected. And while Matthew felt he'd have been a good husband to Jenny and provided for her well even at that young age, he'd been trained to give that respect even if he didn't want to.

  Somehow he had to make Jenny understand that.

  He handed his son the dark pants Jenny had brought him.Joshua held his arms as Matthew slipped them over his legs and after they were fastened, Matthew's eyes widened. The hems were two inches from his son's feet.

  "Well, look what we have here," he said. "Did you grow that much in the hospital in one day?"

  Joshua grinned. "I'll be taller than you soon."

  Matthew nodded as Joshua sat and he put socks on his feet and then shoes. He felt more than heard Joshua make a noise and looked up to see his son wince. "What is it?"

  "Nothing."

  He didn't think it was nothing. "Stand up," he said and when Joshua did, he knelt and pushed his thumb down on the toe box to see if there was any room, the way every parent did when he bought shoes for his kinner. He didn't need to see Joshua's face to find that the shoes were too small. "You've outgrown the shoes, too?"

  "They're fine."

  Matthew stood and laid a hand on his shoulder. "They're not. And I don't want you to tell me that when it isn't true. We don't want you walking around hurting because you've outgrown your shoes. Your mamm and I will take you shopping in a few days when you're feeling better."

  "But—"

  "And just think," he said, taking out a comb to gently unsnarl Joshua's fair hair above his bandage. "The way you're going, you might grow taller than me. But you're going to have bigger feet."

  Joshua laughed then and hugged him. They stood there for a long moment and Matthew silently thanked God for not taking this gawky boy home. Joshua squirmed when he must have thought that his father was holding him too long, too tightly. But he settled and simply held on, too.

  And then Annie was knocking impatiently at the door and sticking her head inside, wanting to know what was taking so long, and everything was back to normal.

  "Mamm, look! They have macaroni and cheese pizza!" Annie exclaimed.

  Jenny turned away from talking with Joy to study Annie's plate. "I see."

  "Can you ask for the recipe so we can make it at home sometime?"

  "I'll do that," Jenny promised with a smile.

  "It's a gourmet delight," Joy said with a grin when Annie ran off to show her dad what she'd found.

  "Imagine, it's the best possible pizza—two favorite foods on one pie!" Jenny shuddered at the thought. "Look at Joshua," she said. "That's his third serving."

  Joy patted her arm. "Kids bounce back so quickly. We forget that sometimes."

  "I know." She was silent for a time. "But I think I better tell him that's his last. It might be too much for him too quickly, you know?"

  "You worry too much." But Joy smiled. "We mothers do, huh?" She stroked Emily's cheek. "Look at this. At home we tiptoe around so she can sleep and she's out like a light in the middle of mayhem."

  Jenny walked over to Joshua sitting at a separate table with his sisters and Sam. The pizza place was a riot of light and noise from the many games and kids yelling and having fun with them. All the adults wore slightly pained expressions from the chaos.

  And Joshua did, too.

  "Hey, sweetheart, I think maybe that should be your last piece, don't you? I don't want you to have a tummy ache tonight."

  "Okay."

  "How about we get a pizza to go and put it in the refrigerator for later or for tomorrow?"

  "That'd be good. Phoebe might want a piece, too."

  Jenny didn't tell him she doubted that Phoebe would want pizza, not when it was too sweet that he remembered her. "Is your head hurting you?"

  "Not much," he said.

  But she could see the pain in his eyes. "Let's leave in a few minutes. Maybe we can come back sometime."

  He brightened. "My birthday?"

  She smiled. "Maybe."

  Before she returned to the table where she'd sat with Joy, Jenny went to order a pizza to go—one half pepperoni, one half macaroni and cheese. That would please the adults and the kids.

  She told Matthew what she did on her way back to sit with Joy. "This place can't be making any money off us tonight.They probably would have shut their doors if they knew the Bontrager kids were coming."

  "Hey, they didn't eat any more than the other kids here tonight."

  "I didn't see anyone else's kids go back for four servings."

  Matthew considered that. "You're right. Leave some money in the tip jar."

  David came to join them. "Had to stop playing Whack-AMole," he complained. "Your Annie says, 'it's mean to play a game where it's funny to hit a little animal.' "

  Annie walked up. "Mamm, Daed, will you tell those boys over there that they shouldn't play that mean game?"

  Jenny looked at Matthew. "Time to go."

  Matthew held Jenny's hand as they went from bedroom to bedroom checking on their children. It was his favorite time of the day, when they were about to have their alone time.

  Even though tension still stretched between them, he held onto the hope that tonight might be different.

  A quick peek into Annie's room showed that she slept with her doll under her arm. Mary had to be told just a few more pages and it was bedtime. And Joshua was already asleep, one foot hanging free of the covers like always.

  Jenny wanted to go tuck it back in. Matthew shook his head and pulled her along. "You know five minutes from now it'd be sticking out again. He's slept like that since he was a baby."

  He wished he'd watched his tongue the minute he said that.Baby. He felt her instant withdrawal.

  They undressed with their backs to each other. It was as if they had never been intimate as husband and wife. Jenny drew on a nightgown. Matthew pulled on pajamas. They climbed into bed, not touching, both staring at the ceiling lit by dim moonlight.

  The space between them seemed huge.

  He touched her hand lying on top of the covers and she stiffened so he withdrew it. Just when he decided to say something, Jenny turned on her side and he thought she was going to go to sleep. But he heard a slight noise and when he rolled over to face her back, he thought he saw it shaking.

  "Jenny? What is it? Are you crying?" He reached for her and made her turn toward him. Her cheeks were wet with tears.

  "I hate this distance between us," she whispered miserably.

  "It doesn't have to be there. I told you why I—"

  She shook her head. "If you loved me—"

  "I did! I do! Don't you see? It's because I loved you that I let you go. You don't understand me or the Amish if you don't understand that it's not about what we want. I had to respect your father's wishes."

  "And don't you understand that I had the right to know, the right to decide? I wasn't eight. I was eighteen."

  He watched her sit up, then swing her legs to get out of bed."Don't go. Please."

  She sat with her back to him and he waited. Then, just when he thought she'd get up, she turned.

  "How do we get past what happened?" she whispered."How?"

  "I can't undo it. Either you accept it and we move on or it'll end up destroying what we have now, Jenny. Do you want that?"

  "Of course not."

  "And there's something you're not considering, either. I don't believe that it was just your grandmother and your father and me, Jenny. I don't think we were supposed to be together then."

  "How can you say that?" she demanded, her voice rising."We loved each other!"

  He took her hand. "I don't think we were supposed to be together yet, Jenny. I don't know why, but I think we were supposed to come together later. No, think about it," he said when she opened her mouth to protest. "Because if we were, nothing could have stopped us."

  "So now I'm supposed to blame God?"

  "Not blame Him. We're supposed to beli
eve in His will, His time."

  She flopped back against her pillow and appeared to think about that. "I spent enough time not being happy with Him when I was hurt overseas," she said. "I think He heard enough about that. And lately . . ."

  He leaned over. "Lately what?"

  "Lately I've been talking to Him about how I want a baby."

  "I know you want one, Jenny." His eyes gleamed in the moonlight and his mouth curved into a smile. "I'm ready to do everything I can to make that happen."

  She punched his arm and grinned when he yelped in pain.It was worth it to see her smile. And when he draped his arm across her waist and she didn't stiffen, didn't move it, he felt hope rise inside him.

  She yawned. "Why is it we have some prayers answered and others not?" she asked him drowsily.

  "I don't know. Only He knows. We have to trust Him."

  "I know. I really do. It's just hard sometimes."

  He watched her eyelids drifting shut. "So tired," she whispered.

  "It's been a long day."

  "And a long one before it. So stressed."

  Her words were coming slower, softer. He wondered if she had fallen asleep.

  "Matthew?"

  "Yes, love."

  "Maybe we should adopt."

  Surprised, he stared at her. "Adopt?"

  She opened her eyes. "Yes. You and I talked about it last year and said we'd think about it. Well, I don't want to think about it. I don't want to wait any longer. I don't want to go on being unhappy every month when I'm not pregnant."

  She turned her head on the pillow. "I think we need to face the fact that I'm not going to get pregnant. I want us to have more children, Matthew. I want to adopt."

  "Adopt," he repeated.

  "Maybe that's what we're supposed to do. I keep thinking how Joy and David didn't need to. They'd had Sam and there wasn't any reason they couldn't conceive. But they gave a child who needed a home a chance. Maybe that's what we're supposed to do. Maybe that's what He wants."

  "Then that's what we'll do. We'll adopt."

  She lifted herself up on one elbow then and kissed him."Thank you."