by Sara Marion
Paxton looked over at Dr. Keeler and she could tell that Dr. Keeler knew that she almost let her secret spill out. Paxton then glanced at her mother who had a confused look on her face.
“What did you just say?” Jenny asked. “Who else didn’t you save?”
Paxton frantically looked over at Dr. Keeler and back at her mother. “I couldn’t save Ella, my best friend?”
“I just thought you were about to say someone else as well. I’m sorry,” Jenny dropped it but Paxton could tell she was still questioning it.
“Jenny, how do you feel after hearing Paxton’s thoughts, what was running through her head?”
Paxton was thankful for Dr. Keeler changing the direction of Jenny’s thoughts. Paxton took a deep breath and looked over at her mother, waiting for her response.
“It brings me back to that day. I couldn’t get past the loss of my best friend’s daughter. I felt like I failed her because I couldn’t protect her daughter and I didn’t keep her safe. I lashed out at my own flesh and blood not thinking about what she was going through. It breaks my heart to think that Paxton was feeling that broken and I made it worse. I couldn’t imagine how I would feel if I were in her shoes.”
Paxton felt her mother’s hand wrap around hers. Paxton looked up and saw understanding in her mother’s eyes but there was something else bothering her. “I just don’t understand why you went back to your patients. Why it seemed like we were just another family and that you had other patients that you needed to tend to. You were cold and distant in a matter of seconds.”
Paxton let tears fall that she didn’t even know where there. “She wasn’t just another patient, I wanted to be there with you all. I felt like you guys were silently blaming me because I couldn’t save her. I felt suffocated in the room. I needed to get out. I thought focusing on other things would make it not real, that it was a dream and I would wake up and be checking on my patients, Ella would be happy with Duke and you and Jack wouldn’t look at me with disgust.”
“Jack would never look at you like that. I know that it must have seemed like that with me because I lashed out but I wish I could take that back.”
“Jack pulled away from me, mother. He pulled away and I checked out. I tried drinking the memories away. That let me to pouring my heart out to strangers. That led me to go home with men I didn’t know, because I felt like they cared more than my family. I can’t count the number of times I tried to turn to Jack but he was too busy. Where was he when I needed him? Where were you? Why didn’t you talk sense into me?!” Paxton felt herself get upset. This wasn’t going to be a smooth session.
“I was grieving. I didn’t want to see you. I blamed you at first. I didn’t know you were sleeping with those men.” Paxton saw her mother’s eyes change. “If I knew, I would have said something. Believe me I would have given you a big piece of my mind. I just thought you were going on benders.”
“So why didn’t you intervene? I’m your daughter! You should have seen me begin to deteriorate and stepped in to help me but you didn’t!” Paxton raised her voice. Her mother didn’t say anything back.
“Paxton, let’s take a breath and calm down a little bit. We need to talk through this and try to understand the other person,” Dr. Keeler interjected. Paxton looked over at her and saw that she was trying to control the situation before it escalated. “Jenny, what do you think about what Paxton has said?”
Paxton watched her mother. She could tell that her mother was carefully formulating her answer.
“She didn’t care about me, only the loss of Ella,” Paxton bit out.
“That’s not true!” Jenny interjected before Dr. Keeler said anything. “Yes, I blamed you. I let that get in the way of me being your mother and watching out for you. I’m sorry Paxton, I should’ve been there. Jack should’ve been there. We failed you, not the other way around.”
No one said anything for a few minutes. Paxton stared out the wall of glass. She stared at the people passing by.
“What’s going through your mind right now Paxton?” Dr. Keeler asked.
“I don’t know how to respond to that. I am my mother’s own flesh and blood but I feel like I let her down as much as she did. All I can think about from that time is that Duke was the only one that I could turn too. The only one who did check on me. He tried to stop me from going to the bars, even though he was grieving for his wife. My family should have been there to help me, to help Duke. Now I am torn between two men that want me, Jack and Duke. Fuck both of them right now.” Paxton wasn’t sure where the anger came from. How can she say that about Duke? Duke was there but she was so confused. She didn’t want to hurt Duke, but Jack still consumed her and it killed her.
Her mother’s voice brought her back to the session, “Jack was your husband, he was there for you at the funeral, how could you turn to Duke or say Jack wasn’t there?”
“Jack wasn’t there! He disappeared and stayed at his office for long hours. He stopped comforting me weeks after the funeral. He isn’t as perfect as you make him out to be. He has his faults in this. How am I supposed lean on him when he wasn’t there, how am I supposed to lean on family when they disappeared on me?”
“We were grieving. We-”
“And I wasn’t?!”
“Ok, let’s take a break and collect ourselves,” Dr. Keeler interrupted. “We need to talk about this calmly and not blame each other.”
Paxton got up and went to get a bottle of water from the mini-fridge that Dr. Keeler had in her office. She took a drink and stood away from them, her back turned to them. Her heart ached for Jack but her mind was playing images of him leaving. She just wanted to be with him even though her mind was trying to reason why they shouldn’t be together. She turned to come back when the timer went off.
She looked over at Dr. Keeler who sighed. “We will pick this up next time. I think we have several talking points.”
She saw Dr. Keeler and her mother stand. They shook hands and Paxton smiled over to Dr. Keeler. They confirmed their next appointment and walked to the car in silence.
The silence continued until they got to her mother’s house and Paxton was on edge now. She put car in park and her mother turned to her. Paxton looked over at her.
“It’s been a long day. I think I just need to relax. Can we reschedule dinner to another night?” Jenny asked.
“Sure, that’s fine.” Paxton felt a pang of disappointment. Maybe what she said earlier was too much for her mother and they really couldn’t repair their relationship.
She watched her mother get out of the car and head towards the door. She didn’t even turn and wave. Paxton waited until she at least got inside before heading back to her own house.
She pulled in and saw Duke’s truck was sitting in the driveway. She wasn’t sure she could handle seeing him right now. She put the car in the garage and grabbed her purse. Duke opened her door for her.
“Hey beautiful.”
“Duke it’s not a good time,” she rushed passed him into the house.
“What happened at your session?”
“When did you get back from your conference?” Paxton wanted to change the subject. She didn’t want to talk about the session with Duke, she didn’t even want to see him right now. He only made things harder.
“I touched down a few hours ago. I just got back in town and decided to swing by and see you. I figured you would be home right about now. I thought maybe we could do dinner or something.”
“I can’t tonight.”
“Not even if I have a surprise for you?”
Paxton looked at him over her shoulder as she walked into the house, it was obvious she wasn’t going to get the alone time she needed. She dropped her bag on the counter and turned, “What surprise?”
“Wait here.”
Paxton watch Duke run outside. A few moments later he appeared in front of her with an envelope in hand.
“What is this?” Paxton tucked a piece of hair behind her ear as she took the
envelope.
“Open it. I think you will like it.”
Paxton looked at him skeptically then opened the envelope. She unfolded the paper and it was an invitation for the E. Avery Gallery to come to an art charity event in New York, New York, more specifically, The Pierre. She knew it was a five-star hotel and over the top beautiful. She had seen pictures of it before and seen it once from the outside when she was in New York with Jack.
“When I went to New York for my conference, we were told about this charity function at the end of the month right before New Year’s. I told some of the sponsors about the gallery and they said they heard about the gallery before and you all were on the list. I am letting them auction off some of Ella’s landscapes that I own. I showed them some of her work and they loved it.”
“I don’t know what to say.” Paxton couldn’t believe the charity event wanted their gallery to attend, the day’s events were forgotten as she felt giddy about the event. “Thank you! I will have to see if Ryan can go.”
“You’re welcome. I thought getting out of here for a while would be good for you.”
Paxton stared at the invitation. This could be great exposure for the gallery. Duke just turned her day around. “Want to go out and celebrate? I can see if Ryan can join us.”
“How about just you and me?” Duke slid closer to her. Paxton turned and put the invitation on the refrigerator.
“It’s not a good idea,” Paxton turned back to Duke.
“Pax, Jack is not coming back. You haven’t heard from him since the art gallery opening. He’s moving on and so should you.”
“I told him I needed a little bit more time. Maybe that’s what he is giving me right now.”
“He’s not!” Paxton was taken aback. Duke hadn’t raised his voice like that in such a long time. She stared at him and there was a look of pity on his face.
“How do you know?” Paxton waited for a response but he said nothing as he looked away. Paxton knew he was hiding something. “How do you know that we aren’t going to be together?” No response. “Duke, tell me. What do you know?”
“He’s with Kenleigh. I saw him when I was at my conference.”
Paxton gasped. She shook her head. She thought back to the night of the gallery opening. She wondered if Jack misinterpreted her when she said she needed more time. Did he think she didn’t love him anymore? Was he really with Kenleigh now?
“I’m sorry. I didn’t want to tell you but I don’t want you wasting any more time on him.”
“You’re lying. I think I would have seen something by now if it were true.” Paxton knew it wasn’t true because she looked him up every once in a while. No picture of him and Kenleigh ever appeared. There were a few of him and his parents but nothing with Kenleigh. Duke didn’t know she kept tabs on Jack. She wanted to avoid fights like these.
“I’m not. I went to see him.”
She pulled her phone out of her purse. She dialed Jack’s number. She stared directly at Duke. She would prove him wrong. It rang and went to voicemail. She hung up and tried again. She stared at him and the emotion flickering across his face made Paxton believe he wished he was lying to her. She waited as it kept ringing, voicemail picked up again. He was ignoring her calls. Her heart broke a little more. Duke was right. Jack would have never ignored her if she called twice in a row. She stared at her phone as if it were a foreign object. Paxton didn’t understand what was happening. She felt Duke pull her into a hug. She pulled away.
“Please leave.” Her voice was quiet and she didn’t want to break down in front of Duke. He would only try to stay and smother her. Part of her wanted him to stay but she needed time to digest the fact that she waited too long to forgive Jack.
She heard the door close. A few moments later, she heard the rumble of Duke’s truck starting up. She was letting the only person who truly cared for her drive away because she was stuck on her ex-husband. She hoped this didn’t damage their relationship but she had to finish dealing with her warring heart and mind. She needed to get her head and heart straightened out with the news of Jack.
FIVE
Paxton woke up feeling drained. Duke never called her last night after he left and she didn’t get any sleep. She walked into the gallery and went to the second floor where her office was. She peeked into Ryan’s office, which was next to hers, and saw that he wasn’t there yet. He had been having problems with his car lately and sometimes he got a ride in. She went and sat in her office. The gallery would be open in about a half hour and she wanted to start making plans for the art charity event. She would look for two of everything because she was sure Ryan would want to go. After all, the gallery was his idea to remember his niece by.
She fired up her computer. While waiting for it to boot up, she looked at the pictures on her desk. There was one every one important in her life. She had a picture of her and Jack. She picked it up and stared at it. It was one that Ella took of them in the middle of her residency. She had on her scrubs and he was in slacks. They met after work at a local diner. Paxton remembered she was on call that week. She had to be ready to go at a moment’s notice. When she left the hospital, she was starving and called Jack and Ella to see if they wanted to meet up. They all made plans on their 3-way call to meet up at the diner. They looked like quite a trio as Ella herself was wearing overalls with paint splotches. She was apparently out and about taking landscape photos that day and didn’t want to dirty up any other outfit.
“Knock, knock!”
Paxton glanced up and saw Ryan peeking his head into the door. “Hey!” She smiled and silently thanked him for the distraction down memory lane.
“I brought coffee!” He opened the door and brought the drink carrier with two large coffees.
“Thanks, I may need it. I didn’t sleep well at all last night.”
“Your nightmares come back?”
Paxton heard the concern in his voice. He knew that Paxton sometimes had nightmares about Ella’s death. Even though she worked through her feelings, every once in a while the nightmares popped up. “No, not the nightmares, just Jack.”
“Did he call you again?” He sat in the chair in front of the desk.
“No. Duke saw him when he went to his conference in New York. He drove up to Bridge Heights. He said that Jack is seeing Kenleigh.”
“Ouch. You doing okay?”
“I’ll be fine. I knew that he wouldn’t wait forever. I just took too long to forgive him.” She gave a tiny smile knowing she was lying to the outside world saying she was fine when she was really torn up inside.
“Well, I’m here if you need me.”
“Thanks, how did it go here at the gallery yesterday?” She needed to change the subject away from Jack otherwise she wouldn’t be able to hold the breakdown away.
“Good, we were busy actually. Today we’ve got two field trips scheduled,” Ryan said looking at his calendar on the phone.
“Yeah, I saw that. Should keep us busy, the kids love the ‘I Spy’ game with Ella’s pictures. That was a great idea.”
“It was wasn’t it?” Ryan laughed. “They go nuts when they find the objects.”
Paxton laughed. She remembered the first time they introduced the game. It was a week after they opened when a teacher wanted to bring her kids in. In each room they had to find something in the collection and put what picture/painting they saw it in.
“Oh, Duke also got us invited into art charity event. It’s on the 28th this month. They are going to auction a few pieces that Duke is donating to them. The invitation is for two people. Duke said that we should go. It could be good publicity for us.”
“I have no plans after Christmas. When were you thinking of flying out?”
“I’m looking at flights now. Trying to find some good prices but with the holidays everything is so expensive.”
“Let me know what you find and I will give you my half for it.”
“Ok.”
“Well, I have a few things I want to do
before the doors open as well,” Ryan stood up. “See you in a bit.”
Paxton nodded and smiled as Ryan left her office. She looked at her computer and began her search for flights. She only had about twenty minutes before the gallery opened, about an hour before the kids would start arriving.