by Sara Marion
***
It was halfway through the day and Paxton was already exhausted. The first set of students just left. Ryan offered to cover for a bit with Madeline, their new receptionist/greeter. Paxton decided to pick up lunch for everyone. She went to her office and called an order in to the restaurant on the other side of the mall. It would be a short walk to get it but she needed to escape the gallery and the haunting memories the pictures invoked.
She enjoyed the sunshine as walked through the mall parking lot. Since she had called ahead, she wouldn’t have to wait on the food for too long. They told her it would be about fifteen minutes. She took her time soaking up every ray she could. It was days like these that she was glad she had a glass wall on the side of the gallery. She could enjoy the outdoors without really being outdoors. She wasn’t surrounded by concrete and obscure window views the hospital used to give her.
After paying and collecting the food, she took her time getting back. Her thoughts drifted towards Jack. They used to sit out on the porch or balcony of their room and just relax, soaking up the rays of sunshine. They could sit and talk for hours outside. She just enjoyed being outdoors. The walk back seemed more ominous as her thoughts turned to better days, not that she wasn’t in a good place now but she missed Jack, hell she missed Duke even though she saw him last night. Duke’s silence bothered her.
The short time she was gone, she felt her mood shift. She felt morose, which was the opposite feeling she wanted when she broke away from the gallery to get food. She wanted to feel better, energetic for the next round of kids, but it’s obvious it wouldn’t happen as she handed out meals and headed to her office for a quiet lunch with her thoughts.
It wasn’t long before she heard the squealing of bus brakes again. She just finished her lunch and booking flight and hotel rooms for New York. She threw away her trash and prepared herself to go back downstairs. Paxton just had to get through this then she could go soak in her tub and relax. She checked her reflection and went down to the main floor to greet her new guests.
She reached the main floor and froze in place. She spotted the chaperones and found one of Jack’s good friends when he worked at the high school. Drake Cordova stood in the middle of the kids but his eyes locked on Paxton. He gave a friendly smile and Paxton didn’t know how to react. She quickly recovered as she was supposed to be friendly with everyone no matter who they were and headed over to the group.
“Drake, what are you doing here?” She asked as he pulled her into a friendly hug.
“I was grabbed to chaperone when another dropped out. How’ve you been? I haven’t seen you since Jack left.”
Paxton gave her best smile. She didn’t want him reporting back to Jack that she wasn’t coping. “Doing as good as I can be right now. I am dealing with some things with my mother but other than that, just taking it one day at a time.”
“That’s good.”
Paxton felt a weird tension between them. She smiled as another chaperone came up to greet her. She put her business face on and let herself be distracted from Drake and Jack. She didn’t need to fill him in on things when they were there to see the gallery.
“Alright, if you all head this way,” she directed the group to follow her around the receptionist partition. She heard them all start to follow her but she was nervous. She felt like Drake was staring at her trying to figure out if she was really doing okay.
Once they reconvened on the other side of the partition. Paxton gave her normal speech going over rules of the gallery and how to play I Spy. Since they were older kids, the gallery was going to give three random students a $25 gift certificate to the mall. The students became excited and quickly headed off to complete their tasks.
Paxton watch them go off and quickly scatter around the gallery. She smiled and looked around. She heard some exclamations of pictures that were awesome and cool. She was so proud of the collection she built around Ella’s work. Starting next month they were bringing in a few other photographer collections. Ryan thought it would be a good idea to have Ella as a feature so that way they have her work last longer in the gallery.
“She was amazing,” Drake’s voice broke in. “Her photography skills were amazing. She captured the raw emotion of her subjects.”
“Yeah.” Paxton didn’t know what else to say. She missed her friend and she was looking directly at a picture of her and Jack. It was another stolen moment that Ella captured on film.
“How are you doing without Jack?” He suddenly asked. Paxton wasn’t prepared for him to bring up this subject again.
“Does it matter?”
“I think it does. You two were good for each other.”
“Were being the key word.”
“You still are. I believe you two belong to each other. Don’t give up on him Paxton. You shouldn’t.”
“Have you talked to him lately?” She couldn’t help but ask. Curiosity got the best of her and surely he would know if Jack was with Kenleigh.
“Yesterday.” She felt his hesitation on elaborating. He quickly changed the direction of their conversation as he looked back to the picture, “Think about it. You can’t recreate what Ella is showing us.”
Paxton stared at him. She didn’t know what to say or what Drake was trying to tell her. She stared over at the portrait they were talking about. She felt him give her a slight kiss on the cheek. Paxton watched him walk away and join the students.
Her gaze fell back on the picture and she studied it further. She saw the way she and Jack were looking at each other and it appeared like they only had eyes for each other while everything else around them disappeared. If you thought of a fairy tale love, this picture represented it. In the picture she saw herself curled against Jack. Her head on his shoulder looking up at him. He had a grin on his face as he looked down on her, one hand tucking her hair behind her ear giving a clear shot of her face. They were sitting stretched out in the back of Duke’s truck. They were out in a middle of a field but Paxton couldn’t remember why.
“Look at this one! They look so in love!” A girl squealed as they stopped at the very picture she was staring at.
“Yeah, it’s so romantic. I would love for Oliver to look at me that way,” the other girl commented.
“The owner is so lucky to have a sexy guy like that,” the other girl continued.
Paxton turned and walked away. She needed to get out of there. She made a mental note to take that picture down later. Paxton saw that picture everyday over the last week and a half but now she couldn’t bear to look at it. She avoided every picture on her way to the office. She brushed past Ryan. She walked as quickly as she could, trying not to draw any attention to her. It was like everything was closing in on her at the moment. She just needed to get away. She took the stairs as quick as she could. Her chest felt heavy and she felt the need to get to the safety of her office. Paxton struggled with the last few steps and quickly rushed to the corner where her office was. She felt the tears pool in her eyes and everything was becoming fuzzy.
She closed the door behind her and bent over. It was like someone was sucking all the oxygen out of her. She couldn’t catch her breath. Paxton stumbled over to her chair and leaned over grabbing the arms of it. Breathe, breathe. In, out. In, out, she repeated over and over in her head. She couldn’t hold herself up any longer, her legs began collapsing underneath her. She felt two arms wrap around her. They held her up and soon she was in a sitting position on her saving grace’s lap on the floor. His arms still wrapped tightly around her.
“Breathe, just breath with me,” she heard Ryan’s voice in her ear.
She felt his chest rise into her back and back down. She focused on that.
“That’s right. Just breathe with me,” he said softer. His grip loosened a bit.
Paxton felt her breathing start to slow as she tried to match Ryan’s breath movements. She felt the tears sliding down her cheeks as she still focused on her breathing. Ryan’s arms were wrapped around her. Her arm
s pressed against her chest. She felt secured and soon her breathing slowed.
“Good girl, that’s better.” Ryan released her and stood up. He grabbed her office chair from behind the desk and sat right in front of her. “Better?”
Paxton didn’t know what came over her. She just stared at Ryan wondering how he knew what she needed.
“I used to have those anxiety attacks all the time after my brother’s passing and Ella’s. They can be a bitch.” He gave a half-smile.
Paxton returned it and looked down at her hands, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what happened down there. This is so embarrassing.” She reached and grabbed for a few tissues.
“I don’t think anyone noticed. I just knew by your face when you rush by me, that you were upset. When I saw you come up here, I knew something was wrong.”
Paxton couldn’t look at him. Embarrassment flooded through her. She felt her cheeks flush. She needed to get back to the students. People would start wondering where they went. “Could you go back out there and make sure everything is fine. I am going to clean myself up a bit, I’m sure I ruined my make-up.”
She saw Ryan studied her to make sure she was alright. She tried to give him the best ‘I’m fine’ smile but she knew it was faulty. He sighed and stared a few moments longer. “If you aren’t down in five minutes, I’m coming back up here.” Ryan stood and walked out.
Paxton was thankful for Ryan. He was like her big brother. She never thought Ella’s uncle would become such an important figure in her life. He looked out for her and she was grateful. She stood and pushed her chair behind the desk. She reached into her drawer and pulled a mirror out to put herself back together. She wiped the stray tears and then pulled out her make-up bag to freshen up.
Now that she was presentable, she stepped out of her office. She was startled by Drake who was coming out of one of the rooms that showcased various landscape pictures and sculptures. She caught his eye and he stared over at her. He then excused himself from the group. Paxton felt her heart rate speed up. She didn’t want a repeat of earlier and she didn’t want Ryan to find her in pieces again.
“You okay?” He grabbed her arms gently to secure her in front so she couldn’t run away.
Paxton twisted out of his grip trying not to make a scene, “Fine, just had to check on something,” she said putting on a fake smile.
“Liar,” his voice was low and stern. The look on his face said he wasn’t happy that she was lying point blank to his face.
“I am not.” She tried to side-step him but he grabbed her arm before she could get past him.
“You were upset about something. I could see it in your face. I hope it wasn’t what I said earlier.”
“I’m fine. I need to get back to my job.” Paxton jerked her arm out of his hand and walked around him. She started heading down the stairs, she looked up and saw Ryan look up from the bottom with a scowl on his face. He must have seen the interaction with Drake.
“You okay? Do I need to throw that guy out?” Ryan asked as Paxton reached the bottom of the stairs.
“No, he’s just a good friend of Jack’s. I’m fine.”
“Is he why you got upset earlier?” Paxton heard the big brother tone in Ryan’s voice.
“No, I’m fine really. Let’s get back to work.”
“I’m keeping my eye on him.”
Paxton smiled and patted him on the shoulder. She then turned her attention back to the students. She started interacting with them and seeing what they thought of everything. She wanted to focus on anything other than Jack.
SIX
Jack sat in the library. He had pulled down a book he had no interest in but he needed to pass time. Kenleigh was off doing stuff for the charity event Oasis was sponsoring and Jack was trying to avoid her. They hadn’t talked about Duke’s visit and he could see that Kenleigh sensed something was off. She continued the routine of coming to his room, laying with him. She snuggled against his chest every night but she seemed distant from him. Kenleigh kept herself busy which only left Jack alone with his thoughts.
He pulled his old phone out earlier before he came into the library. Jack wanted to call Paxton but couldn’t bring himself to dial her number, so he decided to try to read a book to take his mind off of her. He looked back down at his book he grabbed. He chuckled, page three. He had been in there for an hour. His mind kept going back to what Duke said. He wasn’t sure where this left their friendship. He wanted his old friend back.
All he could manage was a ‘hey’ after debating on what to say. It had been a few days since Duke left and he could only assume that he went back to Kansas, back to Paxton telling her that he was now with Kenleigh. He wondered if Duke would use that to his advantage. He stared at his phone to see if Duke would answer. His phone chimed and Jack quickly grabbed it.
Duke: Hey
Jack: Did you mean it?
Duke: What are you talking about?
Jack: That you would really be there for me?
Jack waited for an answer but one didn’t come right away. He set the phone down and stared at it. It chimed again.
Duke: Yes…
Jack: Is she really waiting?
Duke: Are you coming back?
Jack didn’t know how to respond to the question. Could he really leave Kenleigh, his life in New York? Before he could respond his phone chimed again.
Duke: Don’t come unless you are going to stay.
Duke: You can’t leave her. It’ll kill her next time.
Jack stared at the last message. He knew that if he went back to Kansas there was no turning back. If he left Kansas again, he wasn’t sure if Kenleigh would be here. Jack knew that in the end he may end up losing both of them. He set the phone down as he needed to really think about this. He didn’t know who he could stand losing more. His heart said he couldn’t live without Paxton, but his mind told him he could. Then there was the issue of Kenleigh. Where would she fit into all of this? He grabbed his phone.
Jack: I don’t know what to do.
Duke: Neither do I. She knows about Kenleigh though.
Jack dropped his head. He knew Duke wouldn’t lie to Paxton.
Jack: and she wants me still?
Duke: Somehow yes
Jack: I’ll be in touch
Duke: I mean it don’t come back unless you are sure.
Duke: I will kill you if you break her again.
Jack: Noted
Jack set his phone down. He needed to get out of the house and really needed to think about things. He already said he was with Kenleigh, he would give her a chance but how long would Paxton wait if he decided to go back to her? He went up to his room and changed into running shorts and tennis shoes. He threw on a tank top and hoodie, then headed out the door. He didn’t know exactly where he was running but he knew it would help clear his mind. He headed down the long drive as he put in his ear buds. He let the music lead him and he just lost himself in running.
It was a bit chillier than he thought. He wondered if he should have thrown on some dri-fit pants under his shorts. He kept running hoping to warm himself up. He needed to put space between the house and himself. He needed to run until he figured out what he was going to do, who he could live without.
Paxton was the love of his life. He was infatuated with her since the moment they met. He couldn’t wait until he could see her again. He remembered being as anxious as his students were for the last day of summer school. He was ready to fly back to Kansas with the hopes of running into her. He talked to Duke every week that summer, always asking about her. The fall semester was just as tortuous. He remembered how happy he was when he finally moved to Kansas. Jack knew he was a fool following his heart but he was so glad he did. They spent every chance they could together. He remembered craving her touch. He was obsessed with her. He never felt that way about any other woman in his life.
Then there was Kenleigh. Jack thought about his relationship with her and it’s been quite a rollercoaster but she w
as always there when he needed her. Kenleigh was so much more than his best friend. She was now his lover, filling needs he didn’t even think about anymore. The thought of her not in his life hurt. He couldn’t imagine not having his very best friend not beside him. She knew him in ways no one else did. She understood him, his family.
Jack quickened his pace. He needed to outrun the impossible decision. He found himself running along the sidewalks of the town. He knew he was about two miles from the house. He kept pushing himself though. If he stopped he was afraid he would be swallowed up by his thoughts. He turned and headed towards the house, afraid of getting stranded if he pushed himself too hard. He just had to make it back to the house.
He tried to focus on his stride, knowing that he couldn’t make the decision quickly, it would be impossible. He would have to think long and hard about it as much as he didn’t want to. He wanted both of them in his life. Jack noticed that he was starting to sprint as his thoughts went from one thing to another. His feet were matching the pace of his thoughts. He slowed down and thought about the movement in his body. He did mental checks on each part of his body. Breathing was heavy but even, legs were slightly burning, feet, one in front of the other. He felt himself starting to slightly wear out. He kept pushing himself though. He no longer wanted to focus on his life, whose heart he was going to break, he just wanted to concentrate on continuing to put one foot in front of the other and staying vertical.