D.B. Hayes, Detective

by Darlene Scalera; Dani Sinclair

  As soon as the gun appeared, the poor girls began to scream right along with Mr. Ball. He alternated between yells of pain and begging the man not to shoot his excited animals.

  And Mrs. Keene bustled onto the scene dressed in one of her filmy, overly bright multicolored caftans, wildly waving her arms and generally adding to the din. Privately I hoped no one had thought to capture the moment on video.

  I had visions of turning on the television one night and seeing myself on one of those television shows that buys outrageous moments.

  By the time the Lakewood police arrived we had drawn quite a crowd. I noticed my dad had gone inside and pulled the shades on all the windows. No doubt by now he was in the basement with the saw going, trying hard to pretend he didn’t know any of us. I have to admit I was sort of tempted to slink away and join him.

  It took a while to get it all sorted out. They needed an ambulance for Mr. Ball, who was too shaken to tell if he was seriously injured or not. But we finally ended up in Mrs. Keene’s living room eating from one of the boxes of Malley’s candies and politely ignoring the gingersnaps she’d made that afternoon.

  Her youthful stalker turned out to be a pimple-faced nineteen-year-old by the name of Jeremy Smith. He claimed his uncle was Kerwin Dogsmore. Judge Kerwin Dogsmore. Who just happened to be a fellow parishioner at Mrs. Keene’s church.

  “Uncle Kerwin’s got this, like, crush on Mrs. Keene. He thought it would be cool to pay me to deliver stuff for him on accounta Uncle Kerwin’s in a wheelchair since he got hurt in that motorcycle crash. He figured she might not pay attention to him in the chair since he couldn’t court her like he wanted. I thought it was sorta dopey, but he pays good. Only, then these two started chasing me and I was afraid Mrs. Keene was going to call the cops. Uncle Kerwin said he’d take care of any trouble, so I thought it’d be okay, but this dude’s sorta scary, you know? It is okay, isn’t it?”

  “Of course it is, dear boy,” Mrs. Keene gushed.

  The three officers looked at one another, then at Mrs. Keene. “You don’t want to press any charges?”

  “Absolutely not! You heard the dear boy.”

  “What about you?” the female officer asked the dear boy.

  “Me?” Jeremy’s voice rose an octave. “Heck no. I just want to get out of here. I’ve got a date tonight.”

  “How about you?” they asked Brandon. “Did the dog actually bite you?”

  “No. He just grabbed the pant leg. We’re fine. What about the old man?”

  “The paramedics took him in to get checked out. His blood pressure was up pretty high.”

  “What about the dogs?” I asked.

  “The little girls offered to take them home to his wife for him,” the male uniformed officer said.

  “So no one was hurt,” the female officer said, “and no one wants to press any charges, right?”

  “Right,” Brandon agreed.

  “Then I guess we’re out of here,” the male uniform said. “You want to write this one up?”

  “Not me. You’re primary,” the female officer stated. “I was backup and I’m pulling a double shift in the morning.”

  They were still arguing as they left with the plainclothes officer from Rocky River. I handed the wrapped package to Jeremy.

  “You dropped this. We’ll see you later, Mrs. Keene.”

  “Oh. You can stay, dear,” she said to me.

  “No. I really can’t. Thanks anyhow. It looks like you won’t be needing my help any longer.”

  “I guess not,” she burbled. “Can you imagine? Judge Dogsmore and me?”

  I was trying hard not to imagine, but a motorcycle-riding judge and colorful Mrs. Keene did sort of seem to have something in common.

  “Now, you send me the rest of your bill,” she admonished.

  “We’re fine, Mrs. Keene.”

  “We are most certainly not, but we’ll talk about it later. Sit down, Jeremy.”

  “But—”

  “Sit!”

  I almost felt sorry for the kid. Almost. Brandon and I made our escape.

  “Nothing like a little Saturday evening excitement to take your mind off your troubles,” he said.

  “Are you okay?”

  “Other than feeling foolish, I’m fine. Good thing I went with jeans instead of slacks. Little Peanut put a hole clean through these suckers. Or was he Brittle?”

  “Who knows? Even Mr. Ball can’t tell them apart. We have to go around to the back. Dad’s trying to pretend he doesn’t know us.”

  “Can’t say I blame him. You do have a knack.”

  “Hey! Are you trying to blame this on me?”

  “Mrs. Keene wasn’t my case.”

  “Maybe not, but I wasn’t the one who made the flying tackle, remember?”

  “I remember lots of things.”

  And he stopped me on the back porch, pushed me against the wall and proceeded to kiss me into a black hole of total oblivion right there in front of God and any of my dad’s nosy neighbors who happened to be outside still watching to see what other sort of mischief I might get into. We gave them quite an eyeful. That man could kiss!

  “Let’s move this inside,” he said when he came up for air.

  And have my father see me melt on his kitchen floor?

  “I have to get home. You need sleep.”

  “I’d sleep better with you.”

  “Not in my father’s house you wouldn’t.”

  His grin was rakish.

  “We could go to your place.”

  I liked that idea. I liked that idea a whole lot until I remembered Mama and her six kittens and the explanations that would have to accompany them. I laid my hand on his chest. I could feel his heart hammering beneath my palm. Or maybe that was my heart hammering. I couldn’t tell.

  “You need to rest. I need to rest. We’ll regroup in the morning.”

  “Is that a new term for it?”

  “Elevate your mind. We are not going to have sex.”

  “Ever?”

  He nibbled on my ear.

  “Stop that.”

  “I could change your mind.”

  No question about it.

  “I am going home. We have work to do. A murder to solve.”

  “And then?” he breathed against my neck, planting tiny kisses along the sensitive skin there.

  I shivered. I’m not sure where I got the strength, but I pushed myself clear, stepped inside, grabbed my purse from the counter and yelled good-night down to my dad. Brandon flattened me against the refrigerator and gave me one more kiss that involved tongues and heavy breathing before he let me go.

  I staggered outside with my eyes half closed and my knees so weak, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to drive. Somehow I pulled out onto the street and even managed a weak wave at the policeman still parked two doors down. As I headed home I wondered how much longer I was going to remain a virgin.

  That thought followed me down into sleep and woke with me in the morning. I told mama cat my concerns as I took a bit of extra care getting ready for work and played with her kittens. Then I remembered I didn’t have to hurry in to work. It was Sunday. Besides which, I’d told Trudy to call in Florence and I knew it was going to have to be a permanent arrangement.

  I didn’t want to think about that. Sooner or later I’d have to deal, but later was definitely preferable. What I did have to do today was go and retrieve the stupid loving cup for Susan Arrensky.

  I considered calling Brandon. His skill with locks would be a plus. On the other hand, he was in enough trouble. I didn’t think the cop following him around would take kindly to our breaking and entering a private residence.

  I didn’t either but I didn’t see much choice.

  Parking Binky several doors away on the street, I strolled up to the Arrensky house, ignoring the morning heat, and surveyed the sagging front porch. I wondered what the odds were that Lyle might have forgotten to lock the window with the ripped screen. It would be a simple matter to p
op the screen and slip inside if he hadn’t set the window latch. Of course, half the neighborhood seemed to be outside at the moment. Kids were running up and down playing while adults who were obviously coming from church were standing around talking to those who were tending their yards with garden hoses and sprinklers.

  The more I studied the house, the more I realized my timing couldn’t be worse. I should come back after dark. Three in the morning sounded about right. With luck Lyle would be passed out by then and probably wouldn’t even hear me if I had to break a window. Also on the plus side, his neighbors would all be in bed asleep. I liked that plan.

  I turned to head back to Binky when a voice hailed me from the front porch of the house next door.

  “Dee? Dee Hayes? Is that you?”

  A heavyset woman so pregnant, she looked like an over-inflated balloon, waved to me from her front porch swing. I stopped and stared, having no idea who she was.

  “It’s me. Penny! Penny Blumberger. Well, Nerwonski for the past three years. I thought that was you. You haven’t changed a bit.”

  What a shame. She certainly had. I didn’t recognize her even when she stood up and tottered to the edge of the front steps. Penny had never been exactly thin, but she was well past chunky now as she stood there in a pair of valiant shorts and a sleeveless top straining its utmost to cover the mound of her vast belly.

  “I haven’t seen you since high school graduation. What are you doing in Birdtown? I heard you moved to New York.”

  I cast an uneasy eye at the Arrensky house as I crossed to Penny’s sidewalk and moved to the bottom of her porch. Penny had a voice that carried halfway down the block. I was a little concerned Lyle might be home, even though there was no sign of life at the house next door. Letting him see me again did not seem like a smart idea. It was a safe bet he wasn’t at church this morning and an equally safe bet that he wasn’t at work. I wasn’t even sure he still had a job. His work ethic had been one of the bones of contention in their marriage.

  “How are you, Penny?”

  “Pregnant again, as you can see. Twins this time.”

  “Twins,” I said uneasily, eyeing the bulging stomach. “When are you due?”

  “Today. I’m just waiting for Earl to get home so we can head to the hospital.”

  I tried to swallow and failed. “You’re having the babies now?”

  “Oh, well, I’m not in labor or anything, though I do have one hellacious backache. But the doctor decided to take them out before they get any bigger.”

  “On a Sunday?”

  “Yeah. I wasn’t too happy about that either, but he’s leaving for a vacation this week and today was the only day he could fit me in.”

  “Uh, shouldn’t you be sitting down or something?”

  “Yeah. This heat is killing me,” she said, waddling back over and plopping back down on the defenseless glider. “Earl took the other two over to my mom’s this morning.”

  “You have two more kids?”

  “Yep. Human guppy, that’s me. I’m having the tubes tied this time, though. Enough is enough. Were you looking for Susan? She moved out, you know. Applying for a divorce. About time she dumped Lyle, the pig.”

  I couldn’t argue that one. “Uh, yeah. She, uh, asked me to stop by and pick up something she left behind. You wouldn’t happen to know if he’s home or not, would you?”

  “Oh, he’s home.”

  Thank God I hadn’t tried the window!

  “Still sleeping it off would be my guess. He doesn’t get up until noon or later. He got a job working nights at that new taco place on Detroit. I think he does night-shift cleanup or something.”

  “Remind me never to eat there.”

  “Ain’t it the truth? Hey, did Susan give you a key? ’Cause I’ve still got her spare out in the kitchen on the rack if you need one. You may as well take it and give it back to her for me. I don’t want it now that she doesn’t live there anymore.”

  Life couldn’t be this simple. It was never this simple. There had to be a catch somewhere.

  “I’d get it for you, but my back’s killing me.”

  “That’s fine. Stay put. I’ll get it.”

  “Thanks. Kitchen’s on the left. There’s a whole rack of spare keys, just bring me the rack and I’ll show you which one. I wish Earl would hurry up and get here.”

  So did I. “Thanks, Penny.”

  “Don’t fall over my suitcase on your way in. It’s right inside the door. And watch out for baby toys. I’m not much of a housekeeper.”

  Actually Penny had cleaning down to a science. If you don’t do it, things grow and multiply. Simple science. I found her kitchen. The refrigerator was too big to bury, though there was enough stuff tacked to the outside that she’d given it a valiant try. I found the rack holding keys and threaded my way back to the front door with it, only to find Penny scrunched on the swing, her face screwed in pain.

  “Call an ambulance!”

  “What?”

  “I’m in labor.”

  “You can’t be in labor. Earl’s on his way.”

  She panted, and I dropped the rack of keys beside her and pulled out my cell phone.

  “I need an ambulance and I need it fast,” I told the dispatcher, giving him the address in a voice three octaves higher than normal. “My friend’s having twins on her front porch as we speak.”

  “All right, ma’am. Stay calm. Our ambulance is on another call at the moment.”

  “Well, get it back! Or send a fire truck! Send a police car! Send someone who knows how to deliver a litter of babies! Blood does not come out of crepe, you know!”

  “Oh, God. My water broke,” Penny wailed as liquid spewed forth, soaking her shorts and forming a puddle on the swing and the gray painted floor underneath.

  “Her water just broke!”

  “Ma’am, calm down.”

  “I will not calm down! She is having her babies right here on the front porch. You are a male. You are an idiot!”

  “All males are idiots!” Penny agreed and then groaned.

  I disconnected, trying to stem my panic. “I’ll get some towels.”

  “And my suitcase! I’ll need my suitcase.”

  “And your suitcase,” I promised. “We’ll take Binky.”

  I ran back in the house, tripped over a stroller and nearly killed myself in my frantic search for a bathroom and some towels. It occurred to me she might want something larger than a bath towel, so I grabbed the sheet off her unmade bed, as well, and rushed back outside, grabbing the suitcase as an afterthought as I stumbled over it on my way out.

  Penny had her eyes closed. Her head was thrown back and she was moaning.

  “Okay. Hang on, Penny. I’ll go get Binky and drive you to the hospital. I can have you there in no time.”

  A siren came screaming up the street. I offered up a quick prayer of thanks because I had no clue how to go about delivering a baby, let alone a litter of them, and I really didn’t want to learn if other options were available.

  The police car pulled in front of the house. I recognized the officer as the female one from last night. Lucky her. She’d said she was going to pull a double shift.

  The lady across the street hurried over in her floppy sun hat and dirty gardening gloves, carrying a spade. Did she still think babies grew in cabbage patches? Was she planning to dig them out?

  Okay, I was feeling a trifle hysterical, but Penny was having babies. People all over the neighborhood had stopped to watch. The cop was not going to be pleased. It was last night all over again.

  In the distance I heard a second siren. A well-used green van pulled in the driveway with a thin, weedy-looking man behind the wheel.

  “Earl, you stupid jackal, where have you been?” Penny shouted as he climbed out.

  “I stopped to get gas. What’s going on?”

  “My water broke!”

  Earl just stood there with a stupid expression on his face. The police officer beat him to the porch.
She looked at me and did a double take.

  “Weren’t you—”

  “Uh-huh. Last night. Afraid so. Penny and I went to school together.”

  “She’s in labor?”

  I nodded. “Her water broke and she’s having twins. The hospital’s already expecting her. That’s her husband, Earl.”

  We looked at Earl, who was still standing there looking puzzled by all the commotion. An ambulance came screaming down the street. Penny let out a loud moan. I gathered up the keys and moved off the porch, out of the way.

  The crowd had grown. It continued to swell as the paramedics hurried over to us, finally spurring Earl into motion. The police officer joined me, requesting her neighbors move back.

  I looked toward the Arrensky house. Lyle Arrensky was standing on the front porch in a pair of faded red boxers sprinkled with pink doves that had probably once been white. He was scratching his hairy belly as he watched all the commotion. As if karmically drawn, our eyes met and held.

  “You!”

  He pointed straight at me. Feeling the cop’s eyes turn to me, as well, I looked over my shoulder as if searching for the person he was pointing at. He started down his front stairs. I moved closer to the cop.

  “He looks dangerous. Is he allowed to run around out here dressed like that in front of all these little kids?”

  She gave me a suspicious look and moved to intercept his lurching momentum. I eased back into the crowd. Penny was groaning in earnest now in between hollering at Earl and the two paramedics. Time to leave. I could return the rest of her keys at another time.

  Lyle started yelling at the cop. Penny was yelling at Earl. The neighbors were all talking. Somewhere a dog started barking. I climbed into Binky and drove down the street without a backward glance.

  I stopped at the doughnut shop on Madison and picked up a dozen assorted since I didn’t know what Brandon liked. Then I headed over to my dad’s place. As soon as I hit the kitchen I knew the house was empty. There was no note, nothing to tell me where they’d gone.