That Special Touch

by Anne Beaumont

  In her wiser moments Elisa wondered if they were both sulking, but she didn't have many wise moments. There was no wisdom—or logic, for that matter—in her love for Rafe and, besides, she didn't believe they could both be guilty of such childishness. They weren't teenagers, for heaven's sake!

  No, it was more credible that the moments of closeness they'd shared had been nothing more than a series of illusions, transitory, insubstantial—but deceiving utterly at the time because they'd seemed so real. That was what illusions were all about.

  Rafe had always been so wary and unpredictable that, as the days passed, it was difficult for Elisa to detect any actual changes. It was more a matter of the senses. In herself, the changes were more obvious. She had lost her resilience, and with it her ability to seize life with both hands and shake what she could from it.

  It was an increasing strain to play herself as she had been—bouncy, rolling with the punch and coming up laughing. If Penny hadn't been a child, she could never have fooled her. As for Rafe—well, when had she ever known what he was thinking?

  Having coaxed Penny out of her shell so successfully, she was now shrinking back into hers, which was weird, because she hadn't known she had one. She didn't take up Anne's invitation to visit, and rarely saw her own friends. She wearied of rushing around the island sightseeing, and more and more she took Penny to the secluded beach where Rafe had kissed her so passionately and selfishly. Penny loved the place, Spiro and Christina spoiled her, and Elisa could torture herself with memories.

  Sometimes Rafe would take a few hours off work and he would pick up Penny and drive off with her, just father and daughter with no nanny needed. It was part of the handing-over process so that Penny wouldn't miss Elisa too much when she left. It was sensible, but it hurt. Elisa had become soft and sentimental, and she wanted to be missed.

  It seemed as though every day became one more hill to climb, and always with a smiling face, so that life was blurring into one long endurance test. But there were moments that stood out that weren't illusions, they couldn't be because they were all too painfully real.

  One was when she did a very silly thing and went into Corfu Town and bought a silk frock, which was what that one-quarrel-too-many had been about in the first place. It was a flamboyant mixture of blues from smoke to indigo, artfully cut so it fell in a slender sheath from narrow shoulder straps until the skirt flared from a dropped waistline.

  Elisa tried it on and felt like a million dollars. She could have travelled for weeks, in her frugal way, on what it cost her, but she had to have it. She didn't know why. She had no intention of wearing it for Rafe. But it satisfied some craving within her, and she said to Penny, 'That's a present from me to me, how about a present from me to you?'

  'I'll have an ice-cream,' Penny said, bored. 'I've got enough frocks.'

  When they got home, Elisa hung the dress in her wardrobe, shut the door firmly on it and that was that— or so she thought until the following Sunday. Half-way through breakfast, Penny looked at Elisa and said, 'What are we going to do before we go to Aunty Anne's barbecue?'

  Elisa carefully avoided Rafe's eyes. She didn't know there was another barbecue, so it was obvious he didn't want her to go. She understood, of course, but that didn't stop the hurt that almost paralysed her throat. After a moment, she replied, 'Just you and Daddy will be going. I'm going to turn that sketch I did of Spiro's beach into a watercolour.'

  'Oh, no, Elisa! That's a rainy-day job, you said so yourself. Come with us. It won't be half so much fun without you.' She turned to Rafe. 'You tell her, Daddy, then she'll have to come.'

  Elisa's throat constricted again as Rafe replied, 'Elisa deserves some time to herself if she wants it.' There was the proof she wasn't wanted.

  'But Elisa wants to come,' Penny protested. 'She's bought a new frock. It's blue and pretty and cost thousands and thousands of drachmas. That's 'cos it's silk.'

  Elisa wanted to die. Rafe must be thinking she was ready to grovel. She could feel the full force of his eyes on her and valiantly fought their magnetism. She must not look at him. She really would die if he guessed how she was smarting.

  'Did you buy the frock for the barbecue?' he asked intently.

  She had all her defensive forces mustered now, and she managed a laugh. 'Heavens, no! Your and my idea of what's right for a barbecue are poles apart. "Nothing that will spoil" you advised me last week, remember? As far as I'm concerned, silk spoils easily.'

  'I see.'

  No, you don't, you brute, Elisa thought. You don't want me with you, and I'm trying to make it easy for you. If you understood that, you'd drop it.

  'What did you buy it for?' he persisted.

  'Rich's farewell party,' she lied wildly, not being able to say it had been her soul craving for something lovely. 'Penny and I called at the cafe for tea this week, and he told us he's flying to Israel to work in a kibbutz. He's finished the Corfu research on his thesis.' That part was true enough, although she'd intended to go in jeans like everybody else.

  'When is this party?'

  'Next Tuesday week.'

  'I don't care about then, what about now? I want you to come with us,' Penny wailed, and burst into tears. They looked at her in consternation. Penny never cried, but then there'd been a time when she'd never laughed, either.

  Rafe and Elisa exchanged their first genuine look since their quarrel. 'Tears can be healthy,' she breathed, and then they were both mopping her up and soothing her. Elisa told her hastily, 'It's all right, darling, of course I'll come. I didn't really want to paint, anyway.'

  'Th-then why did you s-say you wouldn't come?' Penny hiccuped.

  'I'm a girl.' Elisa improvised. 'Sometimes I like to be persuaded.'

  'You'll be very welcome,' Rafe said belatedly, but with a stiffness that struck her as insincere. Back to square one, Elisa thought, but she went to the barbecue... in the same cottons. It was an act of defiance, but she needed something to bolster her ego. It was hard to remember she'd once been so bitter about his rough treatment of her. His laboured courtesy seemed so much more of an insult now.

  The only difference with Anne's barbecue to the previous week was that the twins were missing. Angelique had left them in Athens with their uncle. She had a full week of business commitments on Corfu, she explained, and she didn't want the boys to miss their schooling.

  Elisa guessed the business would be mixed with the pleasure of Rafe's company.

  Without Gwen to give a hand with the children, Elisa was busy. She didn't mind that. It was better than watching Angelique and Rafe together all day. She had enough of that when the dancing started after dusk. Elisa danced with whoever asked her, giving an excellent performance of a sought-after girl enjoying herself. When she could, she slipped away to get herself a cool drink and sat on the patio wall to rest her feet. She'd been running around all day.

  When she saw Rafe coming towards her she stood up. It was time to go. Unbelievably, his arm went around her waist and he drew her back in among the dancers. They neither spoke nor looked at each other, but their bodies were making love—there was no other way to describe the natural way they moulded together, Elisa thought, trembling between panic and pleasure. It was the pleasure that triumphed and she gave herself up to the bliss of the moment. Her eyes closed, her head rested on his shoulder, and if she only imagined his lips kissing her hair, then so be it. An illusion could be very, very precious.

  The music stopped and Rafe put her away from him, deliberately but gently. 'Do you want to finish your drink before we go?'

  She shook her head. Funny how, in all the important moments of her life, a chatterbox like herself couldn't speak a word. She couldn't think of much to say on the way home, either. It didn't matter. Penny was awake and talkative. Elisa listened, and wondered why Rafe had asked her to dance. Courtesy, she decided eventually, and wondered if anybody had ever died of kindness.

  It couldn't be more than that, because the barrier was still there. Otherwise
they'd have plenty to say to each other instead of absolutely nothing at all.

  A few days later the fine weather was punctuated by intermittent torrential downpours. The morning had been fine enough, but by midday Elisa and Penny fled from Spiro's beach back to the villa. They changed into their 'heavy duty' clothes—jeans and jumpers—and Elisa lit the fire in the sitting-room. They had toasted bacon sandwiches and fruit for lunch, then they sprawled on the thick-pile rug in front of the fire and played Ludo, snakes and ladders, and any other game Penny fancied.

  She wasn't a difficult child to entertain, and the afternoon passed pleasantly enough. There were sunny spells between the rain, but they weren't bored enough to go out of doors. A couple of hours before Rafe was due home they were both stretched out on the floor on their tummies, their fair heads close together as they studied the same book.

  The rain was lashing down again and Elisa said, 'Next time it stops we'll jump into the car and dash down to Rich's for dinner. We'll play safe and eat in the hotel, not the beach cafe. That thatched roof looks pretty, but it leaks.'

  'Um,' Penny replied absently, writing with painstaking care on a pad. 'Where's "D"?'

  Elisa studied the book and pointed. 'There.' Penny wrote on and Elisa looked out of the french windows. The rain was drumming down with such force, it was hitting the patio and bouncing up again.

  Penny pushed the pad towards Elisa and asked, 'Have I got it right?'

  Elisa compared the lettering with the book. 'Yes.' She dropped a kiss on the curly head. 'Clever you.' She didn't know what made her look round then, it just seemed instinct. Rafe stood there studying them, how long he'd been there, she didn't know. 'Hello,' she said. 'We didn't hear you come in. The rain must have drowned the sound of the car.' And she thought sadly, When I speak to you now it's only to say stupid things. Where did the laughter go, and the quarrels? Anything is better than this.

  Penny had jumped up and launched herself at her father. He picked her up, carried her to the armchair by the fire and sat with her on his knee. 'What were you two so engrossed with when I came in?'

  Penny wiggled her fingers excitedly at Elisa, who gave her the pad. She held it for her father to see. 'Hello, Daddy,' he read.

  'We got it right!' Penny exclaimed, and explained in a rush, 'Elisa and I are learning the Greek alphabet.'

  'Yes, and she's learning quicker than I am. It's humiliating,' Elisa said ruefully, beginning to tidy up the clutter on the floor, 'and very slovenly we've been about it, by the looks of things.'

  Penny went rigid on Rafe's knee. 'Not slovenly,' she whispered, 'that's a very bad thing to be. It means lazy and careless and untidy.'

  Thank you, Janet Tilson, Elisa thought, because she hadn't seen that stricken look on Penny's face for a long time. 'Slovenly is only bad if you're like it all the time. Lazy and untidy some of the time just means you're relaxed, and that's good.'

  'Oh,' Penny said dubiously.

  Rafe fished in his pocket and brought out a set of photographs. 'Look, Penny, what do you think of these?'

  Penny exclaimed and laughed over them, and passed them on to Elisa one by one. They were from that magical Saturday when she'd thought she and Rafe were forging links that couldn't easily be broken. How wrong she'd been! There were shots of her and Penny, Rafe and Penny, and one of herself Rafe must have taken without her knowing. How happy she looked.

  The last photograph almost stopped her heart. It was of her and Rafe, and Penny had made a good job of it. Rafe had his arm around her shoulder, she was leaning against him, and Penny must have closed the shutter a second before they were ready, because they were smiling at each other and not the camera.

  She tried not to look at the photograph too long, and as she gave the set back to Rafe, she asked, 'May I borrow the negatives? I'd like to get some copies.'

  'That's your set. I ordered two.'

  'Thank you.' She stretched across to put some of the tidied boxes of games beside the photographs he'd put on a side table, and began gathering the rest of the clutter.

  'I came home early because I have some work to clear up,' he went on. 'I'm flying to London first thing in the morning. Angelique has a business meeting there, and she's going by private charter. There's a spare seat and I thought I'd grab it to --'

  That was as far as he got before Penny clutched his shirt and cried, 'Are you taking me with you?'

  'No, you'll be staying with Elisa. I'll --'

  Penny jumped off his knee and hurled herself at Elisa, beating at her with little hands curled into fists. 'It's all your fault!' she stormed, as Elisa, kneeling on the floor and taken by surprise, reeled back under the onslaught. 'You made me untidy. You said it didn't matter. But it did, it did! Daddy's leaving me and it's all your fault.'

  'Penny!' Rafe snatched Penny away from Elisa, and the little girl collapsed into hysterical tears. He sat down with her, cradled her in his arms and soothed, 'Ssh, darling, you didn't give me chance to explain...'

  Elisa picked herself up from the floor and sat in the opposite armchair. Rafe's eyes met hers and he asked, 'Are you all right?'

  She was shaken, but she nodded. 'Let her cry it all out of her. Her fears have been pent up too long.'

  Penny cried for a long time, but when her sobs began to subside Rafe told her softly, 'I'm only going for one day. I'm flying out at dawn and I'm coming back in the evening. You might be in bed by then, but I'll be here when you wake up the next morning. I don't want to go, but I have to see Miss Tilson. There are some things I have to settle up with her. You see, she won't be looking after you any more.'

  Penny lifted her tear-stained face from his shoulder and said tremulously, 'B-but she helps me stay quiet and clean and tidy so you won't get fed up with me and go away and leave me as Mummy always did.'

  Rafe looked away from Penny for a moment, and Elisa knew it was to master his rage. He succeeded, because his voice was soft when he looked back and asked, 'Did Miss Tilson tell you that?'

  When Penny nodded, he told her, 'She was wrong. You're my little girl and I love you. It doesn't matter if you're clean, dirty, noisy or quiet, I'd still love you. All I care about is that you're happy, comfortable—and yourself. That's what's important, Penny Sinclair just as she is.'

  He kissed her cheek and received a fervent hug in return, and she mumbled into his neck, 'You won't go away for ever and ever, no matter what I do?'

  'You've got it,' he said, ruffling her hair. 'Any trips I make will be business trips, and they'll be short. You'll know exactly why I'm away, and I'll phone you every day until I get back. All right?'

  'All right.' Penny nodded with the beginnings of a smile.

  Elisa relaxed. It was going to be all right. She crept away and came back with a flannel and a towel. She knelt beside the armchair to wash Penny's face, and told her, 'You listen to Daddy, and I'll go and make some tea.'

  Penny disentangled her arms from Rafe's neck and hugged Elisa. 'I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I was just so frightened.'

  'I know. If I was a little girl, I dare say I'd have done the same thing. Are you hungry?'

  Penny said she was and Elisa said to Rafe, 'We were just going out to eat when you came home, but I think it would be better if we stayed in this evening. I could throw together a glorified mixed grill, if that's all right?'

  'Please,' they both said together.

  Elisa smiled, cleared the things off the side table and a few minutes later she put a tea tray beside them. She drank her tea in the kitchen while she prepared the meal. She didn't hurry. Penny's fears were out in the open now, and Rafe had proved he could deal with them. Father and daughter were talking as they never had before, and she allowed them all the time they needed.

  When the meal was nearly ready, she went into the sitting-room and asked, 'What say we eat our meal hippy style, on our laps in front of the fire?'

  Penny looked anxiously at her father for his approval, making Elisa realise it would be a long time before she overca
me all of her anxiety, saw his smile and replied, 'Please! It'll be as much fun as going out for breakfast.'

  The novelty of eating in front of the fire cheered up Penny. Her emotional outburst had taken its toll, though, and she was so weary when they'd finished that Elisa prepared her for bed. Rafe had taken over reading the bedtime story, so while he was upstairs Elisa cleared away the dishes.

  She was curled up in the fireside chair when he came down again. He said as he sat opposite her, 'She's fast asleep. I know that outburst was what she needed, but I'm sorry you bore the brunt of it. You seem to bear the brunt of everything, including my bad temper. You must be sick of the Sinclairs.'

  'I can be pretty fiery myself,' Elisa reminded him. 'Was it Janet who discouraged Penny from playing with other children?'

  'Yes, on the grounds it would make her noisy and untidy, and I'd be angry. I won't rest until I've had it out with Janet. She must be sick in the head. She damned nearly destroyed my child.'

  'How old is Janet?'

  'Thirty-five.'

  'She might be more selfish than sick. Penny's rapidly outgrowing the need for a nanny, and I suppose she didn't fancy starting all over again with a new family. While she could keep Penny alienated from you and dependent on her, she could be sure of keeping her job. You offer a life-style that's hard to beat, Rafe, and with a child frightened into docility she had hardly anything to do.'

  'Janet knew Penny was already stricken by Sheena's indifference and spite, so she had easy material to work on, hadn't she? My God, I could murder the woman!'

  His expression frightened Elisa, and she said hastily, 'Losing your temper won't do any good.'

  'It will make me feel better,' snarled Rafe.

  'Just get rid of her. You've been saying for a while that you have your daughter back—well, now it's really true. Penny went into a flat panic when she thought you were leaving her, but it didn't affect her priorities. It wasn't you she turned on, it was me. She was protecting what was most precious to her, just as she's been trying to all along. She was never frightened of you, but of losing you. She made it pretty clear I'm the expendable one, which is as it should be.'