I watch Dex as his biceps twitch, straining the fabric of his shirt, his jaw is tightly clenched, and every so often, his pupils dilate – a dead giveaway he’s riding the edge between anger and rage. However, this man has more self-control than anyone I’ve ever met. It’s rare for Dex to lose his temper, but when he does, it’s explosive, to say the least. And if there was ever a time where that was a risk, it’s now.
“Your dad might have been a terrible gambler, losing more than he ever won, but what most people didn’t know was that Jimmy was an even worse bookie. He worked for a man called, Tyronne who came to the trailer a few times to pick up what Jimmy owed him, and was creepier than Jimmy if that can be believed,” I tell Dex, as a cold shiver races over my skin at his name. “One of these visits, Tyronne and Jimmy got into a yelling match outside about the books not adding up. Something about them being short fifteen grand and Jimmy having a week to get him the cash, or he couldn’t pay, he knew his options. I didn’t think anything of it; Jimmy was an idiot so I wasn’t surprised he’d gotten himself into hot water skimming off the top.”
Taking a shuddering breath in, I allow myself to become immersed in the memories of what Tyronne’s statement brought about. My life before may not have been all sunshine, roses, and fucking unicorns, but it was nothing like the hell I lived after meeting Jimmy and Tyronne. But at the crux of it, there was one person responsible for it all. My mother.
“Besides the fact Jimmy didn’t have that kind of money laying around and wouldn’t be able to get it in time, he and my mother wouldn’t have used it to pay a debt. Their coke habit was more important than anything he could possibly have owed Tyronne, even if that meant it would cost Jimmy his life,” I sneer, shaking my head in disgust.
Their addiction was in complete control by then. They were so deep into the world of chasing their next high, that anything and everything paled in comparison to the hour or so of euphoria they got from their current hit.
“Knowing that he wouldn’t have the money, Nancy told me it was time to earn my keep. I was young, Dex. So young, and so goddamn stupid,” my hands shake as I grip them tightly in my lap. “Even though she was a horrible mother, and in general, a bitter, spiteful, resentful bitch, I never imagined she was capable of selling her own daughter to the highest bidder.”
“What the fuck?” Dex explodes violently, launching himself off the bed.
Ignoring his outburst because there’s no way I’ll make it to the end if I don’t, I forge ahead.
“Jimmy and Nancy sat me down after school one afternoon and told me I had a visitor coming over at eight; it was a friend of theirs, and I was supposed to be nice to him. Really nice, according to my mother. He was different to them; clean, didn’t smell of stale alcohol and tobacco, wasn’t high, and he had a kind smile. I remember thinking why is he friends with them since it was evident he didn’t come from the same circles they did. He didn’t say much, just hello and his name, then he took my hand and led me to my room.”
“Don’t,” Dex rasps out on a ragged plea. “I can’t, Aislinn. Fuck, I, just…”
“It hurt. It hurt so bad, Dex,” I whisper brokenly, talking over the top of him. “I never expected it to hurt so much. I cried the whole time, praying it would be over quickly so that I could curl up into a ball and pretend like it was all just one big nightmare. That I’d wake up, and none of it would be real. It didn’t happen, though. Jimmy owed far more than my virginity was worth, so for seven months, three weeks, and four days, he sold the use of my body to whoever was willing to pay for it.”
In the blink of an eye, Dex’s fist jerks back, punching a hole straight through the drywall.
“Motherfucker,” he hisses venomously, for not wearing the blank mask he’s spent years perfecting, but one of fury with the promise of retribution.
I pull my legs up to my chest, wrapping my arms around them.
“It took me attacking one of the men to make it stop. I don’t know why I snapped that particular day, but I just couldn’t go through that again. He wasn’t the worst of them, and he wasn’t the nicest, it also wasn’t the first time he’d come to the trailer. That day, I made the decision he was going to be the last one to take something that wasn’t his to have. When I started hitting and slapping him, clawing at his face with my nails, and screaming for him to get off me, he looked at me like I’d lost my mind. And in some small part, I had. Months worth of feeling dirty, used, humiliated, and violated, had taken its toll. I fought him with everything I had, to the point Mrs. Collins, two trailers down heard me screaming and called the police. Apparently, this guy was someone important because it didn’t matter how many times I explained it to the officers who showed up, or down at the station, I was still charged with aggravated assault and sentenced to six months in juvenile hall.”
At that, Dex spins to face me, asking through gritted teeth,
“Are you fucking kidding me? That asshole tried to rape you, and you got time for defending yourself.”
I know how it sounds; ridiculous, unjust, unfair, impossible. But that’s where you’d be wrong. Money, power, and influence go a long way, and the man who had been raping me and paying for the privilege to do so had plenty of all three.
“Because I was sixteen, my record was sealed afterward, but it was too late for me. I’d already changed; I wasn’t the same person anymore. The girl you knew was gone, and in her place was a broken, cynical excuse for a human being. I got out, was sent back to live with Nancy since there was nowhere else for me to go, and finished school. As soon as I could, I applied to colleges but seeing as my grades had suffered, my options were limited. Regardless of wanting to get as far away from Nancy as possible, in-state colleges offered better financial aid, so I ended up at UCLA where I met, Meg,” I tell him, a small smile at the memory of our first meeting tipping my lips.
Dex resumes his pacing, stopping every so often to glance over his shoulder at me. I’m not sure if he’s doing it to reassure himself I’m still here or not, but he needn’t bother. I’m not going anywhere, not until I’m finished.
“You need to understand, I was different then, Dex. I withdrew from the world, barely ate, didn’t talk, didn’t leave our dorm unless it was to go to class or work, and couldn’t sleep to save myself,” I murmur. “I was exhausted and running on empty when I collapsed in class half way through my sophomore year and fell down the steps in the lecture hall. The paramedics and Meg were called, and at that point, I don’t know who I was more afraid of; her or myself. Meg told the doctors everything she knew and how bad it had gotten, so I was admitted under a seventy-two-hour hold to assess my mental health status. That when I met, Dr. Carlisle. I started seeing her regularly after she determined I wasn’t a risk to myself or others, and with time, I began getting back some semblance of the old me.”
Dr. Carlisle had been a miracle worker. She helped me to understand that I wasn’t a victim; I was a survivor. We don’t choose for bad things to happen to us, but we can choose how we cope with them. I had suffered through one of the worst kinds of abuse a woman can experience, and I refused to let what was out of my control take over my life and ruin what was left of it.
“You were there when I met Nicholas,” I remind, Dex. “He called like he said he would, and things progressed quickly from there. He was sweet at times, charming, talented, and seemed to be interested in me. Where I was in my life, how I saw myself, I didn’t view Nicholas as settling, I truly believed he was the best man I could hope for under the circumstances,” my voice wavers as I admit my biggest shame.
Because the truth is; Nicholas was my choice. I have long since accepted what was done to me was exactly that, done to me. Being with Nicholas was one hundred percent my choice, making him my biggest regret. Shame doesn’t begin to cover what I feel about my relationship with him, but it is one of the more prevalent. Hatred, anger, fear, pathetic, are some of the others.
I lay my head on my knees and continue.
“You would
think after everything that I would have been smarter, but I wasn’t. I was still just as naïve as I had been at fifteen because I didn’t recognize the signs that something was very wrong with Nicholas until it was too late. We got married the day he proposed, and I didn’t even question how that was possible. It takes time to get a marriage license and file paperwork, but Nicholas produced it when we got to the courthouse, and it didn’t occur to me to ask how or why. Our marriage was good for four weeks, Dex. Actually, I wouldn’t say good, more like it was comfortable.”
Scrubbing his hands over his face, Dex rumbles,
“Why did it change, baby? What went wrong?”
“Everything. Everything changed, Dex,” I reply quickly. “I quit my job at a magazine I was hired by straight after college. It wasn’t for me, and I hated it. Taking pictures of outdoor adventure sports wasn’t something I aspired to. Nicholas didn’t take the knowledge he had an out of work wife well. He slapped me and told me it was irresponsible to quit before I had something else lined up, and that I was to get another job or else.”
“Fucking hell,” he growls dangerously.
“Don’t feel angry or sad for me, Dex. I did that to myself. I stayed with Nicholas for years, letting him abuse me, never putting a stop to it. The first time he put me in the hospital should have been enough for me to leave him, but I stayed. That was my choice. It doesn’t matter why now, all that matters is that it’s done. I filed for divorce six months ago, and if it weren’t for the fact Nicholas is a stubborn, narcissistic, life-ruining bastard, he would be my ex-husband by now,” I complain bitterly.
“Was that really the only reason you left him?” Dex inquires. “I’m not saying it wasn’t enough of one, but I’ve got a feeling there’s more to it. Like I said, I know you, Aislinn. I’ve always been able to read you like a book, and your expression, the way you get that little crease between your eyes, tells me that’s only half the story,” he guesses correctly, stroking the space just above the bridge of my nose with his forefinger.
Sighing deeply, I shift uncomfortably having him this close. Not because I don’t love his touch, I do, but because I want to lean into it, to absorb the safety and security his body offers and never let go.
“You’re right; I didn’t leave for that reason alone. It was bad, the abuse, but it became second nature to switch off and detach my mind from my body after a while. It wasn’t until he forced himself on me after he’d beaten me so badly I needed to be admitted to the hospital for two weeks, that I told myself no more. I wouldn’t be used like that again; I couldn’t be.”
Putting my hand up to ward off the questions I know he’s going to ask, I rush out,
“And before you ask; no, I didn’t press charges. I’m not stupid, Dex. I know I should have, but this is my leverage over him, and I intend to use it to get what I want, which is to be free of him once and for all. My divorce lawyer says he’s stonewalling and trying to negotiate over every inconsequential detail, but she’s in the process of communicating the gravity of his situation if he doesn’t sign the papers within the next week.”
Jean called yesterday while I was helping to organize the furniture in the main room of the clubhouse to accommodate the sheer amount of people attending Diesel’s wake today. Nicholas still wasn’t playing ball, so she told me it was time to bring out the big guns to force his hand. There’s not a chance in hell Nicholas would risk what he did going public, but that’s what would happen. I wouldn’t hesitate to tell my story to every news network, gossip rag, and tabloid blogger if I had to.
“Just to make it clear. I’m not asking for anything, Dex. I don’t want the condo in Miami, townhouse in Boston, or penthouse in L.A. He can keep the cars, his stocks, the furniture, and his boat. All I want is what’s in my personal accounts, and his signature on the divorce decree,” I state.
“So what’s his fucking problem then?”
Chuckling humorlessly, I reply,
“He wants it all. Half of my accounts, a portion of my future income, and compensation for supporting me throughout our marriage. The funny thing is, if anyone was supporting anyone, it was me paying his way.”
“You know, I know some people who’d be only too happy to pay this motherfucker a visit, right? I could have it signed and lodged in less than twenty-four hours if that’s what you want,” Dex offers, giving me an evil grin.
As much as I appreciate the thought, that’s not what I want. That would give Nicholas the satisfaction of knowing I couldn’t handle this and him myself.
“No, but thank you for the generous offer. This is something I need to do for me.”
“Can I touch you now?” Dex asks, inching closer. At my nod, he scoops me up and places me in his lap. “I don’t know how you did it,” he mutters into the side of my throat.
“What?”
“How you were strong enough to survive everything that was done to you, and come out the other side the beautiful, intelligent, sexy, feisty woman you are today. I’m in awe of you, Aislinn. So fucking proud,” Dex rasps gruffly.
Not sure how to reply, I wrap my arms around him and let him hold me.
I don’t know what this means for us – if we can somehow rekindle the friendship we once had – but I do know this. I’m going to enjoy the comfort, peace, and safety Dex’s arms provide for as long as I can.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
~ Gage ~
“I’m going to hell in every religion.”
– Truth
Blown away doesn’t begin to describe how I feel about what Aislinn told me.
Of all the things I thought she’d say, being beaten and abused, so badly she required hospitalization and raped by her own fucking husband wasn’t one of them. But then again, Nancy and Jimmy pimping out a fifteen-year-old Aislinn wasn’t something I considered either.
I thought when I left she’d be okay. Her life was never going to be a fairy tale since she lived with Nancy, but I honestly believed she’d make it through to her high school graduation and get out of there relatively unscathed. If I’d had even the first clue shit would have turned out the way it did, I’d never have agreed to leave. Fucking never!
Knowing what I do now, that my girl was taken advantage of, mistreated, violated, her freedom of choice stolen from her, and that she’s spent time inside doesn’t change how I feel about her. If anything, I’m even more amazed by her than I was before she shared her story with me.
But I’m downright shocked when she whispers,
“I need something, Dex. I want to feel something besides numb.”
I’ll give her anything she wants – do anything for her – all she has to do is tell me.
“What do you need, baby? After what you’ve just said, I don’t want to make assumptions. I’ll give you whatever you want, you’ve got to be specific, though,” I groan, kissing my way up her neck.
“You,” she exhales on a moan. “Just you, Dex.”
Taking her earlobe between my teeth, sucking away the sting of my bite, I stroke my hands down her back.
“You’re gonna have to give me more to go on than that, sweetheart. If you need to me to make you feel, I can do that. I can make you feel so fucking good you’ll have to beg me to stop, but I won’t touch you until you tell me this is what you really want.”
I couldn’t handle it if Aislinn regretted being with me afterward. Being just another in a long line of mistakes. If we’re going to do this, I won’t be fucking her, I’ll be making love to her. I’ll be worshipping her beautiful body. I’ll take my time showing her what being with a real man – one who knows how to bring her pleasure, not pain – is like.
Aislinn shivers, her ass rubbing against the length of my cock. I’ve never been this turned on by a woman before, and she hasn’t even touched me yet. Usually, it takes a woman getting naked and using her hands and mouth on me to make my cock stand up and take notice, but all it takes with Aislinn is having her sit in my lap, my hands resting lightly on the soft globes of her a
ss to have me wanting to toss her on my bed, rip her clothes off and bury myself inside her.
“Touch me, Dex. I want you to touch me the way a man touches a woman he loves. Please, I want to feel you inside me,” she murmurs.
I squeeze her ass hard enough to get her attention before telling her,
“We do this, then we do it my way. This isn’t going to be a one-time deal, Aislinn, and you don’t get to shut yourself off from me afterward. You want me to touch every inch of your beautiful skin, taste you, make you come so many times you think you’re going to pass out before I sink my cock into you tight, wet pussy I will, but not until you promise you’re mine.”
With wide eyes watching me cautiously, she stammers,
“Wh-what do you mean by that? I don’t think I can…”
I cut her off mid-sentence.
“You can and you will,” I state firmly, pressing another kiss to the base of her throat. “I’m not one of those assholes who took advantage of you and hurt you, Aislinn. I’ll admit, I’m not a good man, I’ve done some seriously fucked up shit in my time, but I’d never intentionally hurt you. I love you, baby. That’s why I can’t do this with you if all you’re looking for is someone to try and take away your pain for an hour or two. You mean more to me than a quick fuck, so you’re going to have to make a choice.”
Vengeance MC Box Set - Volume 2: Gage ~ Cash ~ Knight (Vengeance MC series Book 8) Page 14