Without Consequence

by Victoria L. James

  “One of these days, your smart mouth is going to get you in the kind of trouble you can’t run away from, Hanagan.”

  The threat in his voice made my eyes slide closed. I knew he meant it, and I could understand his frustration with me. I was the one thing he seemed to put pressure on that refused to bend. I was trying very hard to be respectful, and had from the moment he demanded penance, but there was only so much I could take before I broke. Refusing to go was, at this point, exponentially safer than going and insulting him or one of the others.

  “I think I’ve more than repaid my debt, Drew. You won. I’m terrified of you. Congratulations.”

  “Not terrified enough to show up and finish what you started.”

  Pressing my lips together, I let my head fall back on my shoulders and stared at the sky above me. “Or maybe, too terrified? So terrified, I can’t sleep or think straight. So confused– Forget it.”

  Drew swiveled in one half spin, his hands still in place and his body never moving as he looked up at me through hooded eyes and glared. “If you think I’m just going to let you walk away, you’re an idiot.”

  “Why?” I asked, rolling my head so I could see him properly. “Why can’t you just leave me alone, and please don’t say because of the debt I owe you, because we both know that’s not the case. That was worked off the first eight hours I spent in the hut.”

  “Not all debts are about money.”

  “So what, you still need the blood, sweat and tears? You want me to keep stroking that ego of yours? Maybe use the crosshairs you had put on me for target practice?” I was whispering but with intent, and the last word was hissed out with such an emotional sound, the people in front of us turned around.

  “All of the above.”

  I couldn’t take anymore. I couldn’t have this conversation here. Standing up, I pushed past him on shaky legs and started to jog down the stairs, my cheeks flaring with heat as every eye in our section turned to watch. The dread had replaced any heat his presence had brought with him, and now I was just cold – cold and on the brink of tears. I hated crying. I hated showing anyone they had the power to get under my skin like that.

  With my arms folded, I marched across the little area where the food trucks were, dumping the last of my hotdog before I slipped behind one of the brick buildings that stored the football equipment. I didn’t know why I isolated myself that way, but as my fingers traced my name carved into the brick, I fought to find some oxygen.

  I ignored the arrival of Drew behind me, until the piercing stare was too much to disregard. The weight of his gaze carried too many questions and orders.

  “I can’t… I can’t do this, Drew. I don’t like who I am when I’m around all of this shit.”

  “Around all this shit or around me?”

  “Does it matter?”

  “Yes.”

  “Why?” I asked, kicking the wall in front of me. “Why does it matter so much? Admit it, Drew, I could say anything right now and it would be the wrong answer. You keep pushing for my honesty and throw it back in my face. Why would I trust you with a truth that has the ability to cripple me?”

  His hands were in his pockets when he took a step closer. “Because it would be the brave thing for you to do for once in your life.”

  I retreated away from him, his one step propelling me back two. I had been more honest than I’d ever intended to be up to this point, and he was still pushing. There was no tit for tat with him. He took, but never gave. If I gave any more of myself, I wasn’t sure I would be able to recover.

  “No, Drew. It would be a stupid thing to do.”

  His foot moved again and I feared that if he came any closer, I’d be trapped there with no way out whatsoever.

  “Then all I’m left with is assumptions,” Drew whispered, his head dropping down to try and catch my line of sight. “And right now, with the way things are, I can only assume that everything you do is done with the sole intention of pissing me off – to defy me at every turn. That’s all this is about for you.”

  My head shook from side to side, the emotional avalanche making me more confused than I was before. “Why does everything have to come back to you exerting your control? I’ve conceded to you over and over again, and for one tiny moment in time, you even had my trust. I don’t want to defy you, Drew. That’s never been the point, and if I bend anymore, I’m going to break. If that’s what you want, just do it and get it over with because this psychological warfare isn’t fair.”

  I should have expected some kind of physical contact as payback from my outburst before I even finished talking, but when Drew took the final steps to close the gap between us and his hand flew up to my face, all I could do was stare up into his eyes and wait. “You have no idea what I want,” he whispered down at me before dropping his lips to mine and kissing me more gently than I could ever have thought he was capable of.

  For a moment, I was stunned. I stood with my hands at my sides as my brain raced to catch up with the rest of me. My stomach had tightened so violently that I gasped into his mouth, spurring my lips to move against his, my hands fisting the shirt under the leather to pull him closer.

  His mouth was warm against mine, and before I sank completely into its compelling touch, my brain screamed that this was just going to lead to more pain. Only, I couldn’t find it in myself to care. As with everything else Drew Tucker did, he took control, his lips coaxing mine apart before sweeping his tongue inside hungrily.

  I was on my toes, pressing myself against him, and I felt the heat of his body seep into mine. He smelled like leather and engines, whiskey and man, and my whole body yawned and stretched into life, making sure conscious thought was no longer an option as he encompassed and compelled me. In that moment, all I was aware of was him, and the way our mouths moved together in perfect synchronicity.

  Then he was gone, his breath washing over my cheeks until my eyes flickered open and met his.

  I wasn’t sure if it was my imagination and I was just seeing what I’d hoped to see, but for a passing second, I thought he looked as stunned and surprised as I felt with every fiber of my being. Drew’s eyes scanned mine as he continued to hold me in place, but just as quickly as he stopped the kiss, he also started to back away and retreat.

  His hand rose to the stubble across his chin before he started rubbing it slowly, leading the tips of his fingers to his mouth while I just stood there, breathless and confused.

  “You’re not the only one who’s terrified, Ayda.”

  I shoved my hands in my back pockets to stop myself reaching out for him. I could already feel the backlash from this building in my chest. It was going to be another sleepless night, another morning of sore eyes and a heavy heart.

  “Then stay.”

  “That’s not who I am.”

  “Drew, please don’t walk away now.”

  His head began to shake slowly in defeat. His body was showing one thing and his face another thing entirely. He wanted this; I could tell he did. At least, that’s what I hoped. “Be at the hut on Sunday,” he said quietly, clearing his throat as he began to turn away from me.

  “Stay. Talk to me.”

  “Talk? We can’t talk. There are only two extremes with us. Fight or…” Drew didn’t finish, and even though I was desperate for him to stay where he was and to hold onto this moment, when he dropped his chin to his chest, I knew it was over before it had ever really begun. “I can’t do that. Not with you.”

  He didn't wait for my rebuttal, or a reaction of any kind. He just turned and walked away; his hands plunged into his pockets and his shoulders relaxed as though nothing at all had happened. I watched his confident swagger until he was swept up in the crowd of people rushing to find their seats.

  My back came against the wall and knocked the air out of me, my body sliding down until my ass rested against my heels. He was gone, and with him, he'd taken the last thing I had to give.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX

  Drewr />
  “You look like shit,” Slater said flatly when I pushed open the door and walked into the old training room.

  “I feel like shit,” I muttered under my breath.

  “You didn’t sleep well?”

  My eyes shot up to him as I drew closer. At that moment, it seemed like the dumbest fucking question he could have asked me, but I guess even people who have been friends for the majority of their lives need conversation starters now and again. I tugged on my jeans around one knee, pulling them further up so I could crouch down in front of the chair, keeping my eyes up on Slater and shaking my head.

  “No. No sleep at all.”

  “None?” he asked, both brows rising in surprise as he wrapped a fresh white bandage around his right hand.

  “Lot of shit going on upstairs,” I said quietly, dropping my head back down to the floor just for somewhere else to look.

  “This just about what happened on Thursday night, or does this have something to do with the girl as well?”

  My jaw rolled back and forth slowly as I kept on staring down. Since leaving Ayda last night, I had not just Deeks tailing her, but Kenny, too. The fact that she was refusing to come into the hut anymore only made me ten times tenser and her a thousand times more vulnerable. I couldn’t leave her out there in the wild to fend for herself, especially not after what had gone down at the Emperors’ place the other night. Sniffing up, I rested my arm across my raised knee and sighed quietly. In a mere matter of days, I’d managed to fuck life up, not just for me, but the rest of the club and Ayda. I’d come out of prison a worse man than I’d gone in, and there was no one else to blame for all these fuck ups but myself.

  Nobody in the MC was stupid. They all knew better than I did that me putting two of our most important members on Ayda duty meant that there was deeper shit going on than me just wanting to keep her safe. They didn’t have to say it and neither did I. I couldn’t. I couldn’t even say it to myself. I just knew that for every morning I woke up without her, I had to make sure she lived through another day, even if it meant her being surrounded by people that she’d grown to hate because of me.

  The lack of response to Slater’s question told him enough. I could hear his sigh of resignation blowing over me and I could feel the shake of his head like it was throwing the whole fucking room off balance. “I guess that answers that,” he blew out.

  “I guess it does,” I nodded, blinking down at the floor a few more times before I heard Slater’s boots move forward so he really was towering over me.

  “So what’s the plan with this one then?” he asked, like it was the most normal thing for us to be doing on a Saturday morning.

  It was my turn to blow out all the air in my lungs then. My head rose slowly, starting off at the ankles of the man who was tied to the chair in front of me as I glanced up at all the blood splattered across his dirty black jeans, rising up to his filthy t-shirt and eventually, his face. The guy’s hands were still tied behind his back and the gag that we’d wrapped across his cheeks to keep him quiet was soaked to the core.

  I had an Emperor.

  A man of no more than twenty-five years of age who I’d never seen in my life up until he found me climbing out of their bike hut, just two nights ago. A man who probably didn’t even know my name as I launched myself back out of that window to jump on him and send us both crashing to the floor, in the hopes that I would get there in time before he managed to pull his gun out of the inside of his cut. A man who, by all rights, could have made one cry for help and had an army of his men there to save him, but who instead chose to stand and fight me, an intruder with a temper, an asshole who made the wrong decision, an idiot who knew that as soon as he had this rival gang member in his grip, he could never let him go again without there being catastrophic consequences.

  In that moment, as I looked up into his half shut eyes and examined all the blood he wore because of my hands, I hated myself more than ever before.

  I’d had to pat the Emp down, steal his phone and call Slater for back up with the van to get him back to our hut. Since then, apart from that moment with Ayda last night where I’d found myself needing to see her, even if it was for all the wrong reasons, I’d kept this man here as my hostage.

  Harry and Jedd hadn't spoken to me since. The flashes of disgust as Slater and I had pulled him out of the van and shoved him into the warehouse had been enough. I'd started a war again without even trying.

  I’d been selfish. I’d been delusional, and I was risking the lives of my brothers once more.

  They were better off without me.

  Slater’s voice woke me from my thoughts, his foot tapping me on the shin. “Drew?”

  I shook my head, blinking quickly to look back up at my friend. “Sorry. What?”

  “What’s the plan with this guy?”

  “I don’t know,” I mumbled quietly, turning my attention back to him as my hands reached out for the ropes around his ankles. “We need to let him rotate his legs. His circulation will be fucked if we don’t.” My fingers worked swiftly to release his left ankle. The man’s eyes fluttered open a little further as he looked down on me with both confusion and gratitude.

  “You beat the shit out of him on Thursday night and now you’re worried about his blood flow?” Slater whispered.

  Lifting his leg, I grabbed his foot and moved it around in a slow circle, keeping my eyes on my rival’s bloody face the whole time. “I guess I am.”

  “Where's your head at?”

  “I don't know how to answer that.”

  “You’re losing it.”

  “Can’t lose what you never had,” I muttered back.

  “Harry and Jedd have any ideas on what we should do here?”

  Dropping his ankle down, I grabbed hold of the rope again, pushing his leg back into place before I made sure to bind him a little higher up than the same spot he’d previously been anchored. “They’re not speaking to me.”

  “No shit. This is the biggest mess we’ve been in since…”

  “Since I went inside. I know. You don’t have to say it, Slater. I know what a fuck up I’ve made, okay? Nobody knows it more than me.”

  “You’re not fucking kidding, bro. This could ruin us all. Pour into the mix the fact that you’ve allocated two of our strongest men to Ayda and her brother and we’re weaker than piss right now.”

  My head snapped up to him at the mention of her name while my hands moved to the guy’s other leg and got to work blindly. “Weak or not, that's non-negotiable. She’s in this mess because of me.”

  “We all are.”

  It took everything I had to not go to town on him and snap back. My defensive side was always the first thing to come out when someone started laying blame at my door this way, only today, I had very little in me that would let me go head first into another fight. In a matter of days, I’d managed to ruin a lot of people’s lives without fully realizing what the hell I was doing along the way.

  “I know,” I whispered back, lifting the Emperor’s other leg up in the air and holding his foot up next to my shoulder as I rotated it around.

  “This could kill us all.”

  “I know.”

  “It could get her killed, too.”

  I swallowed harshly, my eyes closing temporarily as I tried to block everything out and find some kind of magic plan on the back of my eyelids that would save the whole fucking lot of us. Everything in my body seemed to turn to shit at the words he’d just spoken out loud. My stomach dropped, my mouth went dry and the dread fed its way through my body like it was slowly trying to poison me with nothing but nightmares of what could happen to her because of my actions.

  As I parted my lips to try and reply, the words ‘I know’ seemed to get lodged in my throat, and then everything happened all at once. One minute, I had the guy’s foot in my hand and I was in control, the next, he’d taken full advantage of my moment of weakness, regained some power in his thighs and swung his leg out to the side before
smashing it straight across my face.

  I went down like a sack of fucking kittens. The ringing in my head was so loud, it made my hands rise up to grip both sides as I tried to regain some kind of control. My face was scrunching up in pure, absolute, undiluted agony.

  Somewhere in the distance, I could hear the scraping of a chair on the floor, the sound of Slater pouring his fists upon that man’s face like he was nothing more than a training punch bag while he cursed and spat at him.

  “You piece of shit.” Smack.

  In the back of my mind, as I curled up in a ball, grit my teeth together and grunted through every passing second of pain, I thought of Ayda and I saw her face.

  I thought of that kiss we shared last night when I acted like a dick and pushed her close to the point of breaking, before I even had the chance to tell her what I really thought of her.

  I thought of that look she wore as she asked me to stay and I walked away.

  I thought of every moment we’d spent together, every smile that had graced her lips, every flash of blue as her eyes stared back into mine, and all the calm she held in them that I found myself craving more and more of.

  I thought of what the guy had just done to me.

  I thought of another guy doing the same to her.

  And suddenly, I was really fucking angry again. The white noise faded and my vision became clearer, and as I looked up at Slater going to town on this asshole’s face and body, I knew I had to do worse.

  Whether it meant killing the whole of his MC, I didn’t care anymore. I had to keep my brothers alive and safe. More importantly, I had to keep living in a world where someone as pure as Ayda still existed. And nobody was going to stand in my way.

  Within seconds, I was crawling to my feet and causing damage again, and for once, I was grateful that Slater let me take over without asking a single fucking question, because right there and then, the only talking I was capable of doing came from the power in my fists. The rest of me was numb.

  The rest of me was still with her, on the edge of a football field, wondering how either of us could come out of this alive.