Without Consequence

by Victoria L. James

  Silence lingered for a while before anyone spoke, but I didn’t miss the tightening of both Ayda’s fingers around my waist and Jedd’s upon my shoulders.

  “You fired at them?” he asked me, neither in disbelief or astonishment. It was nothing more or nothing less than a fact-finding question.

  “No.”

  “No?”

  “I didn’t just fire at them,” I answered. “I killed them.”

  “Fuck, Drew.”

  “Three of them. Maybe four. I only drove away when I was certain bodies were falling hard.”

  “It was four, I think,” Ayda whispered, her weight growing as she leaned more of herself against me. “There was one at all four sides, before some asshole crawled under the house and cut the gas line.”

  I didn’t look away from Jedd as she spoke, instead just nodding sideways to her in acknowledgement before answering him again. “Ayda says four. It was four.” There wasn’t anything I wanted to think about less than those fucking assholes that had tried to hurt her. Four didn’t seem enough. It would never be enough, no matter how safe she was now or how safe I kept her in the future. Not enough men died tonight to sate my thirst for more blood. Jedd could see the look that was growing on my face as I glared at him. I was projecting my anger out. My jaw was tight as shit and no matter how much I clamped my teeth together, I couldn’t work those muscles hard enough. I couldn’t count them in and work them into a rhythm that matched my breaths as they grew heavier.

  “I know that look, Drew,” he whispered, pulling back and standing up straight as his hands dropped from me to his side. “We can’t go there.”

  “Go there?” I huffed out. My eyes widened as I looked up at him. “Go there? You have no idea where I’m at in my head, Thomas. If you think that I’m going to walk away from this and hope I don’t get caught for killing those men, you’re wrong. You couldn’t be more wrong if you tried.”

  The sound of leather creaking filled the room and I knew my brothers’ stances were shifting. I could imagine the widening of their feet, the crossing of their arms and the raising of their chins as they all cut through the bullshit and decided to finally pay attention.

  “You could end up back inside,” he muttered down on me.

  “They tried to kill Ayda.” I glared at him, and it was mother fucking hard not to take my frustrations out on everyone in that room as I held her in my arms and tried to block out the memories of the van swerving all over the road in front of me.

  “That’s not in dispute, Drew. They didn’t just try to hurt Ayda and Tate, they tried to kill two of our men. This has to do with Hernandez. They have to know.”

  “Hernandez?” Deeks spoke up behind him. Jedd stepped out of the way quietly, falling in line beside me and allowing me to look out at the others properly for the first time, with no obstructions.

  So many eyes sought mine. So many faces were looking at me and waiting for some answers. I knew as soon as the name Hernandez had been mentioned that frowns would fall upon their faces. The only people that knew were Harry, Slater and Jedd. As if on cue, I glanced at each one in the know, looking for some kind of go ahead to tell everyone what had happened, mainly because I was so lost inside my own head these days, I didn’t know what was right and what was fucking wrong anymore. When I saw them all giving me their silent approval, I took another step forward, almost so we were in the middle of a circle, surrounded by the most comforting form of black that ever existed.

  “I have something to tell y’all,” I started, dropping my chin to my chest for just a single moment before glancing back up and clearing my throat. “As you know, Chester Cortez came to our yard looking for his man, Hernandez. He’d gone missing and we made out as though we had no clue where he was.” Pausing, I stared every man in the eye, spinning my head around enough to catch them all before going on. “I lied to every one of you by remaining silent. Hernandez is dead because of me. I killed him. I killed him with my own bare hands.”

  Slater took a small step forward, pushing himself out of the circle with his arms across his chest as he began to shake his head slowly. “You didn’t kill him alone, Drew.”

  A half smile tugged up on one side of my mouth. I loved him in that moment for a lot of things, but mainly because he was still doing then what he’d done since I was in kindergarten. He was taking a bullet for me – or trying to, at least. “Yes I did, Slater.”

  “I was there. I could have stopped you.”

  “Not even God himself could have stopped me and you know it. Take a step back, this isn’t your fight.”

  His mouth opened to argue before he saw the look on my face that told him I wasn’t about to be weakened on this. I wasn’t about to let anyone take the fall for anything that was my doing. I’d never done that in my life. That wasn’t changing now. Stepping back again, he inhaled sharply, dropping his chin to his chest and keeping it there when I spoke up again.

  Shifting my hand further down Ayda’s arm, I tried to get a good enough grip on her, but nothing felt enough. “All I’ve ever brought this club is trouble. I know what I am and I know what I do. But I assure you, none of it is done with intention. I love you as my family, I love y’all as my brothers and I love every single one of you as my pack. Five years ago, I did you wrong in too many ways. I took us underground. I got us into illegal boxing. I got us into debt. I made us try to pay off that debt by tapping into things we’d never believed in before. Drug running, hit man territory. I made all the good men of this club dig into their deepest, darkest corners and pull fucking rabbits out of their helmets.”

  “Tucker, stop.”

  “Don’t, Harry. Don’t.” I turned to him, shaking my head, my face falling flat as I looked into his eyes. I wasn’t sad. I wasn’t angry. I wasn’t anything other than certain. “I know what I did and I know who I became. It’s why I took the fall and it’s why I made that deal when the cops came circling. Pete died because of me. Our brother died because he put his life in my hands and I was careless with it. That’s not something that can be argued; it’s a fact. It’s why I’m the way I am today and it’s why Ayda, Tate, Deeks and K-boy almost died tonight.”

  Ayda’s voice was almost lost in the shuffle of leather as they moved from one foot to another. It was only on her second try I actually heard her. “You can’t accept responsibility for the choices of others. You didn’t send those men to set fire to my house.”

  It was typical of her to look for the best in me. I was slowly coming to realize that that was who she was, and what she just told me in the kitchen was only a fraction of the love she was capable of giving. All I could hope was that one day, I’d be enough of a man to earn the rest. Until I felt like I deserved it, I wasn’t willing to take anymore from her. Pulling my free hand up to the back of her head, I drew her further to me, burying her face closer and breathing her in before looking back up at my men.

  “I spent so many nights alone in my cell. I thought so many thoughts. Each one of you appeared in them, except this woman right here. For some reason, she believes in me and us more than anyone, and I’m not about to let her down. I’m not about to let any of you down again. But I’m also not willing to walk away from this.”

  Jedd sniffed up beside me, his head falling into one hand as it rubbed at his temple. The rest of the men muttered their approval of my last words under their breath. There were quiet cries that sounded like the troops were ready for battle and not a single moan of protestation from any one of them. I was telling them I’d fucked up, and all they could do was ignore me and await their next instruction. Only I wasn’t in charge right then. There was one more thing I needed to do before I asked them for anything.

  Glancing up at the man who had covered my role and taken my seat while I’d been away, I angled my head his way and whispered.

  “Jedd…”

  “Take it,” he said quickly and quietly, half turning to face me. “Take it.”

  “I didn’t plan on this.”

&n
bsp; “Look at the way your men are looking at you, Tucker.” Our eyes turned to them all in synchronicity as we both began to scan the pack in front of us before we fell back into place. “I was only ever keeping your chair warm. This is your club.”

  “I need you at my side,” I hit back, swallowing quietly as my blood seemed to roar through my body like it was finally coming back to life again. “I need you by my fucking side.”

  “There isn’t anywhere else I would rather be,” he muttered before he straightened himself back up, slapping me on the shoulder once then crossing his arms and waiting as he looked out.

  My heart was hammering in my chest like crazy when I finally raised my own chin. The heat from Ayda’s body was keeping me upright. There was something about her that made me feel stronger just from having her nearby. I didn’t need her words to stroke my ego. The fact that a woman like her was within a mile of me was enough.

  But the looks of all those expectant men staring back at me was what made me feel like a warrior again, and in that moment, it felt good to have both.

  Turning to drop a kiss to her head, I let my hands fall to the back of her hair before I looked up to make my final plea.

  “No one disrespects The Hounds of Babylon, boys. No one. Especially not the club responsible for killing the man who was the heart of this pack. They took one light out back then. They dimmed mine while I was away. I’m not willing to see anymore darkness on this side of the fight.” I turned with Ayda in my arms, the sound of my boots hitting the wooden floor being the only noise around us, as I made sure I looked at every member of our club before speaking again. “I fought back for Pete on a whim. For that I apologize. What I’m asking you now is to stand with me and bring those fuckers down the way we should have done from the start. This is it. No going back. The only option we have left now is to destroy them, and I will do my best to keep you all safe. But I’m not going to lie to you, what we’re about to enter is going to be dangerous. It’s gonna try and tear us apart. It’s gonna try and break us and it’s gonna try and kill us. That’s what happens when you go to war. And I’m about ready to declare war on the Emps. All I need to know now is, who’s with me?”

  CHAPTER FORTY-NINE

  Ayda

  I like to think of myself as an eternal optimist, and to a large extent, I tend to live up to that. I look at all angles and possibilities of a situation before assessing them, and I generally seek out the good rather than the bad. Stood in that circle of men, I didn’t have to look for anything other than what was in front of me. I didn’t have to look for the good in one of the worst situations I’d ever been, because the good stood as a six foot wall of leather all around me, my brother and this guy that I suddenly couldn’t imagine not loving.

  I didn’t know when it clicked for me. Whether it was all the times I’d stayed at the hut and I just hadn’t paid attention, or if it was something I discovered in the chaos of that night, but standing pressed against Drew’s side, I realized Tate and I had gained a family. One made up of more loyal and trustworthy people than I could have chosen for myself. It was a baptism of fire, but looking into the face of each of those men, I knew I had nothing to fear. Not here, not in this circle.

  The respect they each had for Drew, as a person and a leader, was almost overwhelming, and the way he came to life in front of them was something I could never put into words without them sounding corny and cliché. Together, they were unstoppable. Formidable. Brothers in both arms and souls.

  The war cry as Drew asked them for their loyalty was deafening. The hammering of feet on the floor and their movement made the place vibrate like a tornado was approaching. As the circle closed in around us, the first of the howls went up, and Drew’s grip tightened on me. He wasn’t going to let me slip away. Not now. Not when this shift of power was going on and a deeper sense of brotherhood and family seemed to circle us.

  They were showing Drew their allegiance and giving Tate and I our benediction.

  Tate was swept up into the sea of bodies, and for a moment it felt like a mosh pit. My body was pressed against Drew’s, my hand grappling for Tate’s to keep him close. It didn’t last long. Tate was swept up into crowd of men. Pats on his back, squeezes on his shoulder and rough shakes of encouragement brought a smile to his face I honestly hadn’t seen in years. His dimples came out in full force as he ducked his head, and he finally looked like the fifteen-year-old he was, rather than the man he’d been forced to be.

  I just watched, my cheek pressed against Drew’s arm and a smile on my lips, as he was welcomed with open arms. It was that very focus that had left me open for attack. Deeks was the first to approach, his arms sweeping around me and pulling me against him, his grip careful enough to allow me permanent contact with Drew, but room enough to brush my cheek with his lips.

  He didn’t speak directly to me though. He stepped back, held me at arms length and gave me a wink before averting his eyes to Drew. “About fucking time, kid. I always said you needed a girl with a good head on her shoulders.”

  Drew’s body still tensed whenever anyone approached him, and I could already see the switch from the man of this morning to the man of tonight. He was assessing the whole room, even when he didn’t realize he was doing it himself. Exhaling quietly, he gave Deeks his usual nod before reaching up to slap his arm. “Is that what you said? I must have just heard girl and head. The rest faded away. Good job I got there in the end.” He laughed roughly.

  It was such a guy thing to say, but it seemed to be the answer Deeks was expecting. The roll of his eyes for my benefit was eclipsed by the glint of humor as he punched Drew on the shoulder and moved headlong into a group of men with coolers and beer.

  Deeks wasn’t the only one to include me like that. Most of the guys were very respectful, a kiss on the cheek before whispering something to Drew, a squeeze of my hand, even a kiss on the forehead from some of them. It was acceptance. They were accepting me into their lives the same way I’d accepted them.

  Drew never let me wander far from his touch. Whether it was just our bodies pushed together, our hands gripped or him pulling me tight against his chest, we were always in contact. I wasn’t sure if it was for his benefit or mine, but either way it was what I needed. The reassurance of having him close and within reach helped with the surreal transition that seemed to be occurring.

  It was only when they passed out the beers and started to talk strategy that I slipped away with Tate. Someone had thought to bring food, and I was going to throw something together before the party really got started for the night. First though, I had to get some order going on in the place. The mess was even more substantial without Drew there to distract me.

  “It looks like a hurricane rolled through here,” Tate said quietly, picking up a few pots and pans and looking around in confusion. He wasn’t wrong. The place had literally been gutted. There was even a cabinet hanging at a weird angle, which was quite a feat considering how sturdy it looked.

  “It kinda did, kid. Pass me the skillet, I’m gonna use that.”

  Tate handed me the cast iron skillet and continued to move around, his thoughts filtering through as he worked. “Travis said he and Moose rode past the house on the way over here.”

  I’d only just got the fire on the stove lit when he said it. The pan was still in my hands. Closing my eyes, I tried not to think about what we’d lost and focus on what we’d gained. There were so many memories in that house, so many personal things of our parents’ scattered in the spare room. All of it was gone, except the insurance forms and wills. I’d bought a fireproof safe as our lawyer had advised and put it in my closet. It was probably the only smart thing I’d ever really done.

  “Oh, yeah?” I finally said, opening my eyes and realizing the pan was trembling along with my hands.

  “Chief Sutton was out there. So was Sloane. They said the house wasn’t even really there no more. Just foundation and scattered firewood still burning.” He dropped something, and I turned
my head to look at him over my shoulder. “Our house blew up, Ayda. Blew. Up!”

  He made a motion with his hands, all of the breath collecting in his cheeks before he blew it out and dropped his hands and the pan lids back to his sides. I tried to keep my face neutral.

  “It’s just a house, T.”

  “Come on, Ayda.”

  I took a deep breath and looked back at the wall, setting the pan on the flame and turning it low before heading toward my kid brother who was looking lost. Finding an unbroken chair in the breakfast nook, I sat it upright and pushed him into it so I at least had a chance of being at eye level with him. It was still so easy to forget how young he was, and though losing the house was just as devastating to me, I was burying it as deep as I could until I had to think about it.

  “Listen to me, Tate,” I said, resting my hands on his shoulders with my forehead against his. “You and me, we’re survivors. We’ve had to be. The house is just a house. It’s a thing. I hate that it’s gone, too, but we have our memories, and no one can take those away from us.”

  I took a breath and kissed his forehead as I stood up. His young eyes were showing me every emotion he was feeling.

  “Out there is a room full of survivors, too. They’ve offered to protect us. They’ve accepted us into their family.” I closed my eyes slowly and sucked in a breath. I knew what I had to do, but for the first time since our parents had died, my selfishness was taking over and making it hard to form the question. It was a simple one, very few words, not many syllables, and yet I choked on them. I knew that I would always do what was best for Tate, no matter what that meant for me. I knew that I would move mountains if he asked me to, but I was terrified I would resent him for this one if his response was the opposite of my own desires. “Is this what you want, T?”

  “What do you mean?”

  I backed away and planted my hands on my hips, pacing a few times before meeting his gaze again. “The Hounds. The hut. Drew and I?”