Pretty Dark Nothing

by Heather L. Reid

  “It’s time for you to sober up.” Aaron wanted his dad to choose sobriety on his own, but how much longer could he and Josh wait? He was sick of waiting, sick of putting everyone else first. What about what he wanted, what he needed? Aaron needed a father now, needed his advice, his love, his support, and he aimed to get it, even if it meant forcing his father into reality. He grabbed his father and pulled him close, catapulting deep inside his mind. His dad tried to pull away, but Aaron tightened his grip and probed deeper, pushing away his resistance, overpowering him, giving him a virtual shake, a psychic wake-up call.

  He radiated the need both he and Josh had for a parent, pushed visions of Josh struggling in school and hanging out with the wrong crowd, held a virtual mirror up to show his father what it was like for his boys to see him as a drunk. He showed him Katy, his mother, disapproving and angry. He took his father to the abyss and dangled him there, let him contemplate and face the damage. Then, he pulled him back, reminded him of love and honor. He opened himself fully and radiated forgiveness to wash away the guilt and grief. And then he let his father go.

  His dad blinked, and the alcohol fog faded from his eyes.

  “Where’s Josh?”

  “I’m not sure.” His dad wrinkled his forehead. “Has he been in trouble lately?”

  Aaron nodded.

  “What should I do?”

  “Stop drinking.” Aaron slammed cabinets as he searched for alcohol.

  “I hid the bottles in the potted plant.” His dad crossed his arms and motioned to the tall fern by the window.

  Aaron stomped over to the base and pushed away the green fronds, taking a bottle in each hand. He poured the clear liquid into the sink, watching it swirl down the drain.

  “Any more?”

  His dad stared at the empty bottles on the counter and shook his head.

  “I am so sick of trying to be a dad to Josh. You should be the one questioning where he is, who he’s with. You should be the one worried that he’s in trouble. You should be protecting us both.” Aaron swiped his hand across the counter, and the bottles went flying. Glass exploded on the floor. “We lost them, too, you know!”

  His dad didn’t flinch. He rubbed the back of his neck and looked away.

  Aaron got in his dad’s face. “Don’t do that. Don’t look away. I need you to see me. I almost died while you drowned yourself in grief. You’ve wrapped your pain around you so tight that you can’t see anything else. We’ve been patient. We’ve given you time, but now you have to stop being selfish.” Red-faced and breathing ragged, he poked his dad in the chest. “We’re hurting too. We need you. Josh needs you.”

  “You’re better off without me.” His dad scuffed a piece of worn linoleum with his foot.”

  “No. We’re not. We need each other, now more than ever. Why can’t you see that?” Aaron pleaded.

  “I’m a stranger in my own house, some old man who keeps a roof over your heads and food on the table. Without your mama, I’m nothing.” His dad hung his head and sighed. “She’s what kept this family together. I’ve done nothing but screw up since she died. I’ve never said that out loud. She’s dead Aaron, and I’m just so tired of hurting.”

  “I know, Dad.” Anger drained from him like the alcohol down the sink.

  “I failed her. I failed you. Now, Josh.”

  “Her death was an accident.” Aaron reached for his father’s strong, calloused hand and transmitted strength and forgiveness to fortify him. “It wasn’t your fault, it wasn’t mine, and it wasn’t Josh’s. We can start being a family again, the three of us, together. It won’t be easy, but we need you, Dad.”

  His dad nodded. “Okay. How do we start?”

  “With a sandwich? I’m hungry.” Aaron went to the fridge and pulled out some ham and cheese.

  “Let me do that.” His dad grabbed the bread and pulled out four slices, then paused and looked at his son. “Aaron.” His adam’s apple bobbed. “Can I hug you?”

  Aaron opened his arms and his dad pulled him into a bear hug, their tears mingling on each other’s cheek. “Thank you. I promise I’ll do better. I do love you.”

  “Sorry I missed the love fest.” Josh smirked in the open doorway.

  “Sit down. I want to talk to you.” Their dad pointed to an empty kitchen chair.

  “About what?” Josh kicked the front door closed with his foot.

  “I said. Sit. Down.” His dad’s serious tone outweighed any smartass remark that waited on the end of Josh’s tongue.

  “I’ve got some homework to do,” Aaron said and made his way up the stairs.

  Half an hour later, angry voices still rose from the first floor of the Collier house. Dad and Josh were hashing it out, all right. Aaron couldn’t make out words, just tones, through the closed bedroom door, but he hoped Josh would at least listen.

  He slammed his English book and stared at the phone on the nightstand. Had she really blown him off to meet Jeff? Seeing was believing, right? And boy had he seen it, Jeff practically doing Quinn on the kitchen counter. No denying that. She couldn’t explain or apologize herself out of that one, and frankly, Aaron didn’t want her to. He’d been a fool to ever open up to her in the first place. What a joke.

  Throwing the English book on the floor, he turned on his back, staring at the ceiling, but that reminded him too much of staring into the sky with Quinn. He got up and grabbed his guitar, absently strumming as he thought. Jeff’s sweaty handprints were all over their relationship, if they ever had one, and there was no way to change that. When he realized he’d been playing “Starlight Memory,” he paused and sank to the floor. Leaning his back against the bed, he banged his head against the mattress.

  Aaron stared at the phone as it rang. Was it Quinn? Let her stew; let her wonder if he would ever pick up. He imagined Quinn on the other end, desperate to apologize. And then he imagined the satisfaction he would feel when he slammed the phone down on her mid-sentence. Smirking, he picked it up on the fifth ring.

  “Hello?”

  “What’s up, man?”

  “Hey, Marcus.”

  “Don’t sound so disappointed.”

  “I thought maybe you were Quinn.”

  “Man, how could you ever get us confused? I know my voice is deeper than hers.”

  “Very funny.”

  “Look, man, I’m sorry. Teresa told me what happened. Busted. I knew that girl was no good. But she does have a nice booty.”

  “Marcus, can’t you be serious for once?”

  “Dude, for real, I’m feelin’ ya. Why would you want to talk to that witch anyway?”

  “I don’t, but I thought maybe she would call to apologize, to explain or something, and then I could hang up on her. Don’t you think she owes me at least that?”

  “Chicks are confusing. I say let Jeff have her. She’s even more of a player than me.”

  “How could I have been so stupid?”

  “Because you weren’t thinking with your brain, you were thinking about what she looked like naked. It happens to the best of us.”

  “You still up at St. Angeles? Need me to come get you?”

  “No, Reese got me.”

  “What about homecoming? Don’t I need to un-ask her or something?” Aaron ran his hand through his hair.

  “I think she already did that for you.”

  “Right.”

  “I’ll hook you up.”

  “With who?”

  “Marie.”

  “Burned that bridge.”

  “Beth. I’ve still got her number. It’s a little wrinkled, but I can still read it.”

  “I don’t even know her.”

  “I’ll find you a hottie, don’t stress.”

  “I’m not stressing because I’m not going.”

  “Oh, you’re going.”

  “Hello? Don’t you listen? I said no. Last thing I want to do is see Quinn and Jeff together. If she’s not going with me, I’m not going at all.”

  “You are so go
ing. And if Quinn’s not your date, you need a backup. Jenna. Now that girl is fine.”

  “I said I’m not going.”

  “Fine, but I’ll make a few phone calls and send out some e-mails just in case you change your mind.”

  “I won’t.”

  “You will. Oh, Reese is calling. I’ve got to go. Later.”

  “Later. And I still won’t.” Aaron hung up the phone before Marcus could get in the last word.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  Quinn checked herself in the mirror, smoothing her hands over the bodice of her dress. Perfect hair, perfect makeup, and her homecoming gown fit to a tee. Perhaps she looked beautiful on the outside, but ugliness burned inside her like acid. Cowards don’t deserve to be happy. Her ever-present shadows hung about her like non-returnable accessories.

  “It’s better this way. You’ll see.” The demons had been calm all week, quiet, almost happy in a strange, twisted dark way. If she stayed with Jeff they would stay at bay the rest of the night, if not for the rest of her life.

  “Is it? I should have explained, apologized instead of avoiding him all week.”

  “He didn’t seek you out either, did he? If he really cared, he wouldn’t have let you go so easily.”

  “Like I let him go?” Maybe Aaron didn’t care. He’d been avoiding her as much as she avoided him. It was easier for both of them that way.

  “You never truly loved him. It’s time to forget about him and move forward. You have what you wanted.”

  Quinn swayed with their influencing whispers.

  I do, don’t I?

  A smile beamed back at her. She did look beautiful. The voices always knew exactly what to say. Why had she been so afraid, so distrustful of them? Aaron was the rebound guy, a crush that didn’t mean anything. Clearly they weren’t meant to be together. Jeff, it had always been Jeff.

  They’d been back together for five days, and life was finally getting back to normal. Even the rumors had stopped, and Kerstin’s attacks had become little more than dirty looks and snarky comments. Nothing but hot air. Then, at last night’s homecoming game, Westland had actually won, nothing short of a miracle. And if that could happen, Quinn could have grades up and her captain spot back before regionals. Things between her and Jeff were more than perfect, so why wasn’t she happy?

  “He’s here, Quinn.” Her mother’s excited voice floated up the stairs. “Hurry up. I want to get a few pictures of the two of you before I go back to work.”

  “I’ll be down in a second!” Olympic butterflies raced and twirled in her stomach. Shadows flickered, their voices soft and soothing, calming her nerves.

  “Oh, Q.T.! He’s brought flowers!” Her mother squealed as if it were her own first date. “Roses. If you don’t come down soon, I might just run off with him myself!”

  “Now or never.” With one last turn in the mirror, she finished her primping, grabbed the silver beaded handbag off her dresser, and walked to the head of the stairs to make her grand entrance.

  Jeff stood in the entryway, handsome as ever and groomed to perfection. She wanted to flee, run back to her room and hide under the bed, but she was too old for hiding, and he’d already seen her. She was committed. She put on her best smile, and he beamed at her in return.

  “Wow, you’ve never looked more beautiful.” Jeff held out his hand to help her navigate the last few steps in her long beaded gown.

  “Thanks, handsome.” She winked at him, trying her best to act normal.

  “You two look great together.” Her mother handed Quinn a white rose boutonniere to pin on the lapel of Jeff’s tux.

  Jeff tied a matching corsage around her slender wrist.

  “Looks like you’ve done this before.” Quinn hoped the little joke would dispel some of the awkwardness that lingered between them. Jeff chuckled.

  “Let me get a few pictures by the fireplace.” Her mother put one arm around Jeff and the other around Quinn, ushering them over to the stone mantle. She picked and fussed over every wrinkle and stray hair as she positioned them like mannequins. “Okay, Jeff, put your arm around her. That’s great. Quinn, for God’s sake, smile.” Her mother snapped the picture. “Okay, just one more.” She paused, looking the two of them up and down. “My little girl, all grown up.”

  Quinn thought she saw a tear, but before she could confirm it, the unusual mother/daughter moment morphed back into normalcy. “Well, I’ve got to get back to work.” Her mother kissed Quinn on the cheek. “Morgan’s expecting the final blueprints for the Expo building in the morning.”

  “There’s the mom I know and love.”

  Her mother traded the camera for her keys and laptop bag. “Have a good time, and have her home by one,” she added before rushing out the door.

  “Bye,” they responded in unison.

  “Since when do you have a curfew?”

  “Since when does she stay home and take pictures of me going to a dance?”

  Jeff ran his fingers down her bare arm. She shivered.

  “It’s our last homecoming. Maybe she just wanted to be a part of it,” he said.

  “Or maybe she was abducted by aliens. Either way, it’s weird.” Quinn picked at his lapel, brushing off imaginary lint and avoiding eye contact. “We should get going.”

  She started for the coat closet, but Jeff beat her there. He removed the long, black dress coat with the cream, faux-fur trim and helped her put it on like he had done for every homecoming, prom, spring formal, year after year.

  “Thanks.”

  “This feels right. Doesn’t it?” Jeff stared at her. This time, she didn’t look away. “I … ” he stammered. “I’ve made big mistakes, but I’m glad you said yes to homecoming. To a second chance.”

  Quinn peered deep into his eyes, those eyes she had gazed into hundreds of times before. She searched for the spark, the flame of hope. It felt awkward, this dance around the elephant in the room. The pretense of the date, the forced words, tentative gestures tangled with familiarity and comfort.

  “I love you.” Jeff stroked her hair and came in close, brushing his lips against hers. “I love you, Quinn. Only you.” His whisper seemed strained, almost desperate. His arms encircled her.

  She closed her eyes, trying to relax into his familiar embrace. But Aaron held her, not Jeff. His scarred arms wrapped around her, his hands ran through her hair, his lips on her neck—the memory of their electric kisses.

  Stop it! Her mind hissed, jolting her back to reality. You’ve been dreaming about Jeff for months. Now he’s here with you, and you want to run to Aaron? Who did you think of the first time you were in Aaron’s arms? Jeff. It’s always been Jeff. Don’t be stupid. Don’t ruin it now.

  “He’s what you want,” the demons whispered, adding their two cents to her thoughts.

  Jeff?

  “Yes.”

  Yes.

  She would make it work this time. The perfect couple. Together again, just like it should be.

  “We should go.” Jeff breathed in her ear, but his hands roamed down her back, pulling her closer. Leaning into him, she tilted her head, inviting a soft kiss. Flashes of Aaron crossed her memory—Aaron in her dreams, burning through her nightmares, punching the Eastwood guy, on his bike, kissing her, singing to her, loving her. He deserved better than her.

  Jeff kissed her back, long and soft at first, then harder and hungrier than ever. “I love you.” He pulled the coat off her shoulder and found the soft, peachy crease of her neck.

  “There’s only one way to get over Aaron, only one way to make sure you never lose Jeff again. You know what he wants.”

  Quinn trembled as he fumbled for the zipper of her gown, his breath quick, his voice husky. “Quinn, I’ve always wanted you, nobody else.”

  “You want it, too. We can feel the desire within you.”

  She’d always dreamed her first time would be with Jeff, her first love. Why had she waited? Would he have slept with Kerstin if she hadn’t? The zipper eased down anothe
r inch as his lips parted against hers, gentle, exploring.

  “That’s right. If you had slept with him, he would never have given Kerstin a second glance.”

  But he did sleep with her. Nothing could change that.

  As if answering her thoughts, he whispered, “I never loved her, Quinn. I swear.” Jeff pulled away and cupped her chin until they were eye to eye. “Do you want me to stop?”

  He wanted her, and she longed to be wanted—to be loved. He would stop if she asked him to. What would be the point of stopping now? She deserved to be happy. Jeff made her happy. Being with him made the world right.

  If I do this, things will go back to normal, to the way they were before.

  “If you’re with Jeff, everything will go back to normal,” the demons promised. “Seal the deal, and he’ll be yours.”

  And Aaron?

  “Don’t worry. He’s already over you. We’ve seen him with Jenna.”

  Quinn bit back tears. He could be happy with Jenna, like she was happy with Jeff. “No, The party can wait.” She kissed Jeff, her fingers working the buttons of his shirt as her dress slipped to the floor.

  And in that moment, she let herself go, surrendering to his embrace, to him, like she had never done before. She had nothing left to lose.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

  Quinn and Jeff found the party in full swing. The gym sparkled like a fairytale. The Student Council took the Winter Wonderland theme to the extreme, covering the floor with fake snow and painting the dance floor bluish white, like a giant ice rink. Fake Christmas trees stood with snow-laden limbs, creating a frosty forest that lined the walls. Even the stage at the far end of the gym had a snow-peaked mountain poking up from behind the band.

  Thousands of twinkle lights poked through black butcher paper, creating a canopy of stars. The astronomy club outdid themselves, making the lights look like real constellations, mimicking that very evening’s night sky. A pang of guilt hit Quinn as Orion stared down at her. Coward, that’s what she was. She’d let Aaron believe what he wanted to believe, didn’t even have the guts to tell him she was back with Jeff. The demons got what they wanted; Aaron was out of her life and Jeff was back in. Maybe they would leave her alone now. Fingering the string of pearls around her neck, Quinn watched them as they watched her from the shadows. If she had given them what they wanted, why were they still there? Hadn’t she done everything they asked? She rubbed her hands over the goose bumps rising on her flesh.